Caterwauling

Got an email from CR today, complete with a link to a website with photos of his new baby, born 10 Nov. 01. Lewis Robert. Cute as a button. Looks just like his dad. Oh, the agony.

Between the twinges of guilt for what I did in June to the pangs of loneliness I feel without CR in my life, I feel like hell. Couple that with the loss of Brat that I am finally beginning to accept, add to it the frustration of CTL still actively pursuing me and multiply it by the general depression I experience as I enter yet another holiday season as a single person, and what do you get? Psychotic soup. A recipe for disaster.

And that’s to say nothing of the bullshit that Incoherent Twit keeps pulling at work. But she is of no consequence to me – just another cross I have to bear.

I was wondering when I would hear about this blessed little event (the baby). I figured it would come as it did, via email, like the announcement of the pregnancy did. I’m sure CR is excited about his newborn son, but I reflect upon Kristin’s certainty that this baby was probably conceived to save this marriage.

Oh well. I really hoped that someday, somewhere, we would be together. But now that child #2 is here, I know that will never happen. Not in this lifetime. Maybe as CR and I go into our seventh lives together (as the sixth life for both of us is nearly halfway over, with no signs of us gravitating back toward each other), we’ll get one step closer together. Who knows?

Outta my system. Over it.

Now to reach the same “over it” attitude with the feelings I developed for Brat. Not sure what he felt for me. Am sure it was something. But now, where did those feelings go? Do they still exist? Or are they transparent, almost nonexistent now? What do I have to do to get him back? And can I? And how?

And then there is CTL, who confessed to me twice this week that he still harbors feelings for me and wishes I would come around. Keeps asking for my number and reminded me of one time when he asked for it and I said I didn’t want him calling me. I feigned surprise and said that although that sounded like something I would say, I never said that. (heh heh – I’m such a bitch!) He asked me out for this past Wednesday, and I said no b/c I was meeting the family for dinner (honestly, I was). He said he could go with me. I said no. Then he asked me out for yesterday (Friday). Said I was seeing my mom for Light Up Night (which truly was the plan although it didn’t happen). So he said he’d be glad to come along, and maybe we could find a night that just the two of us could go out.

On Monday night, he walked me to my car and said that he knows I have feelings for Brat. I said I would neither confirm nor deny that statement. He said he could see it in my eyes.

My question to myself, then, is why does he keep pursuing me if he knows I have fallen so hard for Brat? Would I honestly work my way around the circle of friends, when my heart is with the other guy, whether that other guy wants it or not?!?!

Lori pointed out to me that CTL is still with his girlfriend, so if he’s willing to dump her for me, wouldn’t he dump me for the next good thing? I honestly never went that far in my mind, b/c I don’t see us dating.

Lori had posed the question to me that, had I never developed an interest in Brat, would I date CTL? I said yes – I think CTL is sweet and fun and that he would treat me phenomenally well. And if Brat truly doesn’t want anything to do with me, then why not consider CTL’s offers?

Honestly, if I would say yes to CTL, it would be purely to spite Brat, and I don’t want to play that game. I have played the games; I know them well. I am tired of all that shit – I told Brat that when Colin was trying to get laid. And I meant it. Been there, done that, over it.

I know Brat and CTL went out together on Thursday night. CTL gave me the details – that Brat had an extra ticket to an event, and that Brat asked him to go. (Could Brat have asked me to go?!?! Hmm. Ouch.) Blah. At any rate, at Dave & Buster’s on Thursday, Harvie was asking us to stay for happy hour later, and those two got to talking about their night ahead. Something was mentioned about them having a “double date” with two girls. I was not a happy Dawn, but I said nothing, hoping for more details. I didn’t get them, unfortunately. And CTL was gone all day yesterday. Brat sure as hell didn’t offer any tidbits, and I didn’t ask. Instead, I finally called CMU Boy, the professor with whom I’ve been playing email tag, who is single and up for meeting. Left him a message. Again, is it the spite issue? I guess not, ‘cuz Brat doesn’t know about it.

CMU Boy had a great voice on the machine, but his message was kind of odd. Something about the caller can leave a msg saying what they want. Of course, he could be direct like me, and that ain’t a bad thing. How bad of a person can he really be – after all, he loves Melissa Etheridge just as much as I do!!!

Mom says I always have an ace up my sleeve. Damn right I do. Can’t sit around all my life, waiting for men to figure out what they’re missing … I’d die an old maid!

“It’s been awhile

But I can still remember

Just the way you taste.”

– Staind, ‘It’s Been Awhile” –

I haven’t really had the inclination to record my life since the night Brat left me here alone. I did do some scribbling when we were in South Carolina, sure, because I was losing my mind and needed some kind of outlet. It was so hard being with him, having fun, going to dinner, meeting between seminars for smoke breaks, wandering around the city … and not being able to hold him, to kiss him, to tell him how lost I felt since that fateful night.

Two weeks before we left for Charleston, he invited me to a CYF happy hour that was being held in honor of his 25th birthday. I was hesitant to go because I left CYF on a bad note and I thought they would stone me on sight. But the people I knew seemed really happy to see me, and the new people I met were congenial and pleasant to drink with. Happy hour started at Roland’s in the Strip, and we made our way to North Versailles to go bowling. (Yes, I bowled! What kind of cosmic accident could cause such an occurrence?!?!)

On the ride to the bowling alley, I was toying with when to give him his b-day gift (a Dale Earnhardt Sr. watch – He has Earnhardt memorabilia in the bedroom where I stayed). When we parked, I gave him the gift, and he surprised the wits out of me by saying, “I love it!” and kissing me full on the lips.

Then he jumped out of the car, and I was slightly dazed, but I soon followed. Then, walking across the lot, I slipped my arm around his waist, and he placed his arm around my shoulders. Twice, I stopped to kiss him. Both times, he kissed back. It felt so right.

Alas, though, that was the end of the affection, as we were meeting people and as far as anyone was to know, we were merely colleagues. And besides, later a Two Strikes caseworker showed up (unexpectedly), so it was best to not be touching. She seemed surprised as hell to see me out and about; I guess people don’t think directors have lives – either that or she was just shocked to see me fraternizing with the masses. Whatever. I didn’t care.

Well, I am a horrible bowler, so I wasn’t too unhappy when we left at midnight when the place closed. As he changed back into his regular shoes, he looked straight at me for the longest time with those amazing eyes of his. I felt warm all over, and I couldn’t wait to be alone with him.

The ride home was silent. Period. He said nothing the whole way from North Versailles. As we turned onto McArdle, I finally commented on how quiet he was. “Just thinking,” he said.

When we pulled up in front of my apartment, we kissed a few times. I wanted him to come in, but I could tell he wasn’t budging from his seat. He smiled while we kissed – that turned me on incredibly. I invited him to come in for awhile, but he said no, that we were going to have a whole week together in South Carolina soon enough. So I asked him for a hug. He knew what I was up to, and he didn’t resist. Once I had him in my arms, I started kissing his neck and his ear (I gathered from our first time together that he really liked that). That did it – he said he would stay.

Once inside, I played with Maddie for a few minutes, and then I put her down and crawled over to where he was sitting on the floor. And then I basically ravaged him. 🙂 Maddie seems cool with him, so I told him my house rule was that if one pussy likes him, he gets the other one for free.

The foreplay and everything else was just fabulous. I had missed having him next to me. We kissed for the longest time … it was sweet and tender and sensual. He was wearing the sweater he had given me to wear at his house. He knew I remembered … later, when I pulled it off of him, I commented, “MY sweater!” He laughed and said he knew that was what I was going to say. (Between you and me, dear journal, it looks better on my floor than on either of us!!! I love having him naked in my arms.)

When we were kissing, I said, “I want you.” He asked why. (This was a repeat of our first time together, when he told me he wanted me and I asked why. This time, I said, “Because I do.” We kissed again. “Do you want me?” I asked. “Yes,” he breathed, as he pushed me onto my back and began grinding against me and kissing my neck (which he knows is my favorite place to be kissed).

If only I had known it would be the last time he would be in my arms. If only I would have known of the heartache I still face today.

Can’t write anymore tonight. Just can’t do it.

The silence remains unbroken.