Caterwauling

OK, I’m trying to add a comments section. Let’s see how this works. …

Quandry.

I have so many things I want/need to say here, and I know that my thoughts are safe within the circle of friends who read/comment on my words. However, anyone who knows my Yahoo! address can easily find this page, and frankly, I don’t want all of them knowing the debate that I am having with myself. Even more importantly, I don’t want them to witness my opinions on their levels of involvement in my life, for all the world to see, up here on the ‘Net. But still, I must find a way to blog. Today’s entry will test my creativity, for sure.

Let me work backward. Today, SE used the “L” word on the phone with me. Scared the wits out of me, to say the least. Granted, my friends and I all say we love each other when we’re hanging up the phone, particularly when it’s a long-distance friendship. But this … it was unexpected and not the way to make me feel at ease. I’m certainly not upset … just unable to say it back, at least, for right now. It’s too new and moving way too quickly.

Reminds me of the humble beginnings of the Bermuda Love Triangle … I didn’t exactly use the word in question with YKW, but the sentiment was there. I know I moved too quickly with him — I guess with him, I was unable to separate sex from whatever the emotion was. And I’ve always been able to separate the two! Why was he so different?

And now the situation is reversed. Here I am, wanting things to slow down, to let me know if this is the right path for me to take, and also, to let me get over YKW in my own time.

Last night, SE took me out for a wonderful evening. Really enjoyed myself, sans a few tense moments re: a discussion about sex and how it was not going to happen that night. I gave my reasons, which essentially amounted to two crucial things: 1. I sleep with everyone on the first date, and it has set a bad pattern in my life that I would like to break, and 2. Without using names, I indicated that my heart and my head are a complete mess right now, and he doesn’t need the emotional baggage that I am toting.

Really, he has to know about YKW and the feelings I’ve been unable to resolve for him. I’ve never discussed it, because it’s my cross to bear right now, but I thought my two reasons stated above were decent ones. He wasn’t buying it, however, and that’s too bad, because it’s the truth.

I’ll be honest, I got all tingly and weird when he kissed me. It was unexpected and sweet and just the right mixture of shyness and boldness. That’s what I’ve missed out on all these years … affection. I tried to explain to him that sex is easy (hell, it’s not like I have “the road less traveled” between my legs! ha!), but caring and commitment are the challenges, and frankly, I’d like to meet those challenges. And also, he has to understand that when there is someone else’s shadow looming in the not-so-far distance, I am not in the best frame of mind to jump headfirst into something serious.

We talked about separating sex from love; rather, he asked about my take on it. I said it’s different everytime. With my most recent ex, it was definitely separate … sex with no love. And with the person before that (YKW), I hoped that sex would lead to love, so in that case, it was intermingled.

As an aside, I am IMing with CMU Boy right now. What is it gonna take to get to meet him in person before I leave?!!? Melissa Etheridge is coming to Pittsburgh on Sunday, Aug. 4, he said, and he doesn’t have anyone with whom to attend it. She’s our mutual favorite. I wonder if Shawn will let me come in late the next day, or have the day off, if we get tickets together. …

At any rate, I have always been afraid with SE that sex, or something like it, would lead to an attachment on his part. Not that it’s a bad thing, mind you, but going back to the ability to separate sex from love, I’ll bet he can’t do it. And I WANT sex with love. But when I’m about to move 250 miles away with hundreds of thousands of men I’ve never met (preferably the hetero ones, thank you!), I feel like I should at the very least keep my options open. Not saying that I will find anybody “better” — at this rate, I have never met a better man, as far as someone who cares so much for me. But the whole point of leaving town is to get a new start in ALL aspects of my life.

On a bittersweet note, SE said that he’s been in love with me from the first day we met. My heart broke … because I’d had the same feeling about YKW. I still find myself wondering what YKW is doing, where he is, and if I cross his mind in even the most infinitesimal way. But where is he? Did I even get a happy birthday call from him? Where is his heart? And did I ever have a piece of it?

I think the last few sentences are the best reasons why I can’t get overly involved with SE right now. I know that I have to get over YKW, and I will. I promise, I will. Just not today, or even in six months. But I am open to dating SE, but just dating. I know, in my heart of hearts, that letting him go would be a stupid, stupid move, so I don’t want to let him go. And I won’t. But he’s got to give me the time and space I need to figure out where my heart lies. Look, YKW is still a part of me, like it or not … and some of my friends are still rooting for him, hoping that he will reach for me before it’s too late. And CMU Boy, if and when he decides to want to meet me in person (after two years of emails/IMs), is a possibility as well … even if it ends up as friendship, which is what it is now. And there are others I’ve been considering as well. I am in no shape to be making any decisions right now. SE deserves more than to be my rebound person.

I don’t know. Guys, what do you think?!?!