Backsliding.
I am feeling really bad right now, on a variety of levels. Maybe it was thinking that I heard YKW’s voice that threw me for a loop. I always used to hear his voice and feel, well, good. I liked knowing that he was near, even if I wasn’t in the conversation. Inevitably, it would lead to some amount of eye contact, at any rate, when he was in the area. Perhaps I thought of him as a kindred … I could always sense him when he was in the vicinity. And I didn’t have to be touching him to feel him.
Am IMing with Charolette right now … our conversation moved on to him and what he’s doing and wondering why we haven’t heard from him. Look, it just needs to be said that my life is no different without him … the friendship was wonderful and I hope it still exists. But I guess at this moment, I am just feeling so empty, so devoid of any purpose, and it had better not be because he has put such distance between us. I will feel better tomorrow, I know it. But I am hurting nonetheless.
“You’re my distance, destination of choice
I’d give anything just to hear your voice
I could have passed you on the street without saying a word
Most times, I miss the voice that goes unheard.
What if I missed you, you got caught in the sun
What if I did something, never to be undone?”
— Course of Nature, “Caught in the Sun” —
And as for my recent dating spree, I have to reel myself in, to ensure that I am really interested in the people themselves and not just because there is this massive void in my heart (and crotch) that must be filled. LOL … Look, I know I’m a better person than that, and I do appreciate these individuals for their strengths, their dreams, and their affection for me. I’m just trying not to imagine what life would have been like had YKW and I become something. I refuse to envision it. Refuse. Begone, vile images! Begone!
But the sadness remains, if nothing else.
At any rate, I hope I do not hurt those who care about me, because I’ve felt enough hurt for everyone in the world, and nobody deserves to feel this way. I just want to feel good … about myself, about someone else, about my place in this world.
Judd always said that the one who tamed me, would have my heart forever. Was he right? Will anyone tame the wild streak in me? And will I let him, when he tries?!?!