Bipolar.
Typically I don’t begin the daily blog with an adjective, but I just couldn’t find the right noun to sum up today’s journey through this roller-coaster ride we call life.
Had a wonderful luncheon with F/OM today. Luckily, it ended up being the two of us. I know Twit has been bugging him that we should all go out together, but she dragged her kid to work today for the third day in a row, and when I mentioned that to him, he said the kid couldn’t go but the decision was mine whether to take Twit. I told him I absolutely did not want Twit to come along … she’s spent a year being a perfect snot to me, and suddenly she’s been nice during the past four weeks, and well, I see right through her. Further, I think she just wanted F/OM to pay for lunch, even though she’s been saying that she and I should have lunch together.
Diplomatically, I approached her to say that I’d love to have lunch with her tomorrow. She said that she was under the impression that F/OM was only free today. I said that, in fact, he was, but because we wouldn’t be able to take her bratty kid along (although the kid is usually good around me, but I am not feeling particularly charitable these days), it would make more sense for me to go out with F/OM today and then with her (and if necessary, the kid) tomorrow. She became even moodier than she already was, and Charlotte told me she sulked all day. I knew she was livid, but guess what? I don’t give a shit what she thinks because she has been nothing but a rude, insensitive little slob since the day we met, and frankly, it was my day. Back when Brat’s last day rolled around, and he invited the entire Operations team out to his lunch, I decided right then and there that I wanted my lunch to be with F/OM only. F/OM is a fabulous guy, and he doesn’t let his guard down with just anyone. I thought it would be really special to have a few hours alone with him, to have real conversation, to have the bonding time that I knew we needed and to have a few minutes of talking about ourselves and really, finally, getting to know each other.
That’s what I got, and I wasn’t disappointed.
Of course we talked about work, but it was solely about how it affects both of us. We had light, easy conversation, and even though no secrets of the world were revealed, I think we both walked away with a good feeling that, although this one-on-one time was long overdue, it was well-needed and maybe even a bit therapeutic as well as enlightening. I love it when he’s real with me. I know he’s caught up in working day and night, and I know he really can’t, and doesn’t want to, become very close with anyone at work because, well, it’s simply easier to keep one’s distance. (This is the same guy who advised me to not become too good of friends with Brat and CTL because other directors didn’t really think that was a good idea because I didn’t fraternize with them.) I know he plays his cards right, and I know I could have played my hand a bit better, but which one of us is happier right now? 😉
Anyway, I am satisfied. I really hope to keep contact with him. I will remember our talk for a long time to come, because I walked away feeling really good about myself, about him, and about a lot of things. I gave him my honest-to-goodness assessment of Twit and HRP, and I did it quite maturely. I said Twit resents me because I’m not much older and because I’m white, and I said I made a mistake by thinking she wouldn’t survive in Fiscal, when, in fact, she thrived and actually enjoyed it. I advised him to take her out of development, and he told me a funny story about a piece of garbage she gave him to read and that he thinks she probably just gave it to HRP to approve because he refused to read more than the first page and a half of it. 😀
So, the first half of my day totally rocked.
Came home, chilled out, and packed four boxes (only 50 more to go! lol). Checked my VM, which I tend to neglect for days at a time. Got an interesting message from Kristin, my dear friend with whom I haven’t had much contact in the past year or three. She helped me through my miserable ordeal last summer at this time, but our communication really plummeted afterward. I always felt that despite herself, she disapproved of my decision and resulting action, and I expected that she purposely distanced herself from me because my decision really went against her sense of morality. And if that were the case, I certainly didn’t blame her … but I missed her greatly.
Anywho, she left me a VM before last Friday’s happy hour to say she couldn’t make it because she had a dinner to attend instead, but that she wanted to get together anyway. I’ve gotten several messages like that from other friends, and well, the thing is that I’m so super-busy that I don’t have time to meet (that’s why I planned the happy hour … so that I could see as many people as possible in one shot). Hell, I don’t even have time to return the phone calls (yet I still find the time to Blog, although the argument can be made that I Blog either late at night or during the workday). At any rate, it wasn’t a slight that I didn’t return the call, and she did call and leave VMs a few more times, but again, I haven’t checked my messages since last Thursday. Her final message was curt and direct … that I’ve obviously demonstrated that I do not care to talk to her, and that she’s been busy and she’s sorry she’s been out of touch, but if I’m holding that against her, well, that’s on me. Said she knows I won’t call back, because I haven’t bothered to do so, up until now.
That hurt. Really, really stung.
I didn’t call back.
It’s not that I don’t intend to call her. But right now, all I can offer are excuses as to why I haven’t called (not checking VM, packing my life into boxes in a rush, scrambling to be done with work, worries about the car and why the brakes are shot after only six months, worries about family’s health and well-being, combination of excitement and panic and depression over uprooting my life, etc. etc.), and I hate giving excuses.
She gave me a list of all the things that have been keeping her away for so long. And I have always knownj that life has been difficult and crazy and even depressing for her, and I already knew all the reasons why. I’ve had my moments of “Whatever” when it comes to her and why I never heard from her for months on end. But there was never any animosity … I always hoped that she were simply okay, if not wonderful. I am always here for her if she needs me, but I know I can’t force myself down her throat when she isn’t reaching out to me. I’ve worried about her more than she will ever know and more than I will ever care to admit. Steve and 420 Boy know how much I think about her, and they both know that because of the load of problems and worries she carries, she is impenetrable sometimes. She doesn’t want sympathy or pity or even understanding … she seems to want distance. And I grant her that, because I am the queen of wanting to distance myself from people when the going becomes too rough for me to bear.
I guess her message left me sad. My heart is heavy right now, but instead of picking up the phone at 11 p.m., I’m blogging. And that probably makes me a terrible friend. She sounded calm and strong, but her voice wavered a bit. I know she feels as alone in this world as I do, and I know we can help each other. But I must guiltily admit that 420 Boy’s recent musing, that maybe sometimes the friendship/relationship was wonderful but we have to accept the fact that it might not always be forever, entered my mind. Not that I would ever, ever want to lose her … quite the contrary, actually. But I guess I can’t make her understand how frantic my life is when I don’t even take the time to give her a call to let her know that I appreciate hearing her voice, even if I’m not hearing it in real time.
The only thing I can even say in my defense is that I emailed my current cell phone # and future address to my whole mailing list today. Yeah, I know, it’s not personal contact, but when you’re seeing 35 other names on the list, you know it isn’t just you being neglected. Further, I gave out the cell # for a reason … it’s the only way to really reach me. Another excuse? Perhaps. But I’ve always been honest with everyone that I am pretty much accessible only by email, and now the cell is the second best way.
It goes back to yesterday’s entry … how I pretty much lost touch with everyone since this job started. But will I be in contact when I move 250 miles away, when I couldn’t even pick up a phone while I was in the city? Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know. I don’t know anything right now, other than the fact that I am really upset and wish I could make things better.
Crap.