Freedom.
The song by M People, “Movin’ on Up,” is playing in my head. Just finished my exit interview. Yay!!!
As a director, I used to receive copies of HR’s form. It was always bland and boring, to read why people left. Everyone always said shit that basically amounted to, “It’s not you, it’s me.” The legal equivalent of a breakup.
If only I could be a fly on the wall when MY form circulates the second floor of 204. WB, having been supervised by F/OM for three years, has inherited his style of writing all over a page, in corners, upside down, with arrows, etc., to fit everything onto the front and back of my exit form. I let it all out, but I was cautious and vague when mentioning HRP’s biting comments. I did, however, state that people on Leadership actually fear going there, not knowing whose turn it will be to be ripped apart during that particular month.
One thing that made WB grin uncontrollably, whether she will admit it or not, was when I said that they pay Incoherent Twit way too much for a job she can’t even do. She promptly recorded that statement verbatim, and she told me that she was writing it. I told her, that’s why I said it. I said that with me, per the Drucker article that appeared in a recent Harvard Business Review that we read at Leadership (appropriately), moving me from first-rate to excellent performance happened. But having to move Twit from her mediocre status to excellence just couldn’t happen … you just can’t move people “to the next level” if they don’t want to be there. I said that Twit will never realize the importance of her position (rather, how important it should be), and likewise, I don’t think I always appreciated how my own words and actions were truly scrutinized. But related to the last note, I said that not having an office made me want to implode, because I never had the privacy to blow off steam or to conduct myself in a professional manner on the phone, when callers would think the circus was performing 10 feet from me, with all the noise.
I said that we should give classes on manners and etiquette to a good number of staff members, before we bother teaching foster kids about it. I said that people can be so damn rude, like talking at you when you’re on the phone and just plain acting like they have no class. I bitched that the receptionists are always on personal calls, whether you hear their conversations clearly or whether they are hunched over, whispering into the phone — you know they’re a waste of the agency’s money. I said those of us who work hard, really work hard, and then there’s no group in the middle but we have the other side of the spectrum, which is a lot of dead weight. I said that the departments have strong leaders and then these deadbeats mixed in, so the pressure is on us not only to perform, but to make those assholes do something other than sit around and look stupid. I said that the move to the next level should mean moving them out the door, and while we say that’s what we should do, we aren’t doing it and it’s costing us more than money.
Overall, though, I said it’s been a positive experience. I said I learned so much and did so many things I’ve never done before, which is a good and a bad thing, because it took me a lot of time to learn those new things at the expense of not doing other things for which I was hired. However, all I ever heard was that I wasn’t accomplishing enough, when on average it takes 80 hours to write a good 10-page proposal, and sitting out in the open upped that to probably 120 hours, and mix in Twit and her incoherence, and that 80 hours per proposal suddenly jumps to probably 320 hours spent on that single piece of literature. She took all that info down; I apologized for giving her a crash course in development, but that I realize that nobody really knows what goes into my job because, well, it’s my job. And while I was at it, I said we need to go for operational support before we go creating all these brilliant new programs. While I am pleased to have learned, and become good at, program development, the fact of the matter is that no matter how much we need these new programs, the existing ones must be stabilized. Further, with new programs, you are required to provide a cash match when you get funded, whether 10 or 20 or 30 or even 50 percent. But with operations support, that’s money you get to spend wherever you need it, to free up money for other things. I mentioned that everything’s a priority, and that I never knew what to do first or next because it was always a guessing game.
My first comment was that I am leaving because of burnout, plain and simple. I love to work hard and I can’t imagine not working hard, but I can’t continue at the warp speed at which I’m working. In fact, I said that I did, in fact, show up on the job immediately, CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF!!! WB laughed and said she wouldn’t write down that comment. I told her she should. I said the generic things, that program people are put on a pedestal and that operations people kinda slide in the back door and just quietly do our jobs … that we need to front-load operations folks with trainings, especially trainings that would make us understand/appreciate program jobs more. I said that I felt like I was not included at the beginning, that I had to seek out too much info on my own that could have simply been handed to me from the get-go.
WB wasn’t able to comment on anything, but she was certainly happy to write whatever it was that I had to say. I even offered, if there were anything she wanted them to know, I’d be happy to say it myself so that she could feel free to write it! LOL.
Just talked with F/OM. I know he’s curious about what I said. I had left a joking VM for him that I told WB what a crappy supervisor he was, but I did say I was kidding and that I almost cried when I said how much I was going to miss him. He just did kind of a final check-in with me today. (Strangely, I have a major lump in my throat; I really will miss him.)
I told WB that I am sad that this didn’t work out. Mainly, I said Twit was the reason, and that I recognize my own failings as a supervisor as well, and that maybe it is possible to make Twit into a productive employee, but I guess I’m not the right person to make that happen, and I’m tired of trying.
At any rate, it’s a bittersweet moment. I don’t regret the time I’ve spent, but it’s been hard. There are just a few more things I need to wrap up (and I didn’t finish TECD’s stupid proposal, that’s due to be mailed today. HAH! Like AssTwit said, it’s not like anybody ever appreciated a single thing I did for them, so they’ll speak just as badly about me if I DON’T finish a project, particularly one that was given to me at the last minute).
On a final note, Incoherent Twit called off work today. Oh, well! Nobody bought me lunch, and I never did get out to get anything to eat. But it was a pleasant day without her! Woo Hoo!!!!!!