Caterwauling

Thanks to Lab Rat for the fabulous ’80s hair band quiz. Which one am I? The results will NOT shock you!!!

which 80s hair band are you?

this quiz was made by colleen

How appropriate!

Annoyance.

I just have to piss and moan for a sec about the workplace. I was thinking about the Leadership retreat I missed, and how pathetic the Pretentious Bitch really is, because she had to announce to my peers and immediate subordinates that she isn’t replacing me and that we cost all kind of money to the agency that we didn’t raise to compensate for it. Granted, this is shit she has no problem saying to my face, but when I stepped back to get perspective, I realize how abandoned she must feel, so much that she feels the need to publicly say, although not in so many words, “Fine! I didn’t need you anyway! Nyah Nyah!” Would it have killed her to acknowledge that I worked my hardest and that I’m moving on to a different opportunity? Instead she’s sticking her thumbs in her ears, waggling her fingers and blowing raspberries at me. Well, fuck you, too. 😀

The Puppeteer directed the TECD directrix to call me today, on her behalf, to quiz me on why Lori and I typed our grant applications a particular way. Puppeteer always told me to never list her as the contact person, so I have always been the contact on all of our proposals, because I’m at least in the office to get the calls. Well, with me leaving, Lori and I tried to figure out the most appropriate substitute, but we struggled because post-adoption services would fall under Program Directeur, but the people handling the program ultimately fall under the TECD directrix. Thus, we decided to list VB, who is over the adoption program, under the Directrix’s rule, and is a member of the executive team.

So of course I get a little talking-to about making the wrong decision, and I am informed that Lori will be addressed as well. I justified that we weren’t certain, so using VB was appropriate to us because of the aforementioned three reasons. Per Puppeteer, TECD directrix informed me to put the Puppeteer’s name from now on, and only list another director if we don’t use Puppeteer, and it has to be whomever Puppeteer designates.

Okay, first of all, LIKE I AM GOING TO BE HERE TO GO THROUGH THIS BULLSHIT AGAIN! This information and about $1.07 will get me a medium coffee at CoGo’s. lol And secondly, the decision to put VB’s name as the contact took about four minutes of my life, and thanks to the semantics of this agency, I had to spend 10 minutes on the phone, all but APOLOGIZING for the decision. Unreal.

Morons.

14 more workdays till I AM OUTTA HERE!!!!

Tremors.

Okay, so I can barely walk today. 😀

‘Twas beautiful … I didn’t have to do a damn thing (no baloney, Monkey Boy! I was completely the focus of attention). Quite a change from the usual. Feelin’ wonderful. Mmmm. Typically I’m in control, but I loved being overpowered.

Tired and happy. And anticipating a repeat performance soon. 🙂

Hoe-biscuit.

My friend Melissa never realized how absolutely accurate her little nickname for me was going to be! LOL I’m such a slut.

Meeting 42 Boy tonight … and looking forward to it. Here’s to hoping he’s not an axe murderer or anything like that … it would be just my luck if he were, though!

Had a lovely evening with Lab Rat, Charlotte and her spouse, and BB. I thought I’d had a lot to drink, but I’m so stressed out, I didn’t even get a buzz. How pathetic is that?!?!

I am wondering if I made the wrong decision with SE. He’s so sweet, and we did have a nice evening together on Thursday. But I’m thinking that things moved far too quickly, and now, I’ve gone into “safe mode,” i.e., I am needing some distance. Not permanent distance, but rather a few days to move away from the fire. I’m weird in that respect … with rare exception, I tend to prefer hooking up with someone and then going into hiding for awhile. It’s nothing against them, by any means. Perhaps it’s because I’ve had mostly male friends in my life, and I’ve copied the pattern from them.

It’s kinda bumming me out that I really can’t share this with Lab Rat and Charolette. I have so many things in my head to sort through, although SE says I worry too much. He was concerned when I was pretty much silent afterward — he kept asking what I was thinking, and I told him that I wasn’t thinking anything. At that time, my mind truly was blank, and I liked that feeling. 🙂 But now the thoughts are coming freely, and well, my head hurts from it. In this case, it would be great to be friends who fuck. And if something more is meant to happen down the line, well, good. But one thing I learned from my bizarre involvement with YKW is that I don’t want to fall for someone anytime soon.

On a good note, I am not thinking all that much about YKW. He’s moving on, and he’s doing it without me. God, I miss the friendship, the chats, the quips, the laughter. I miss the secret, knowing looks and the feeling that we knew something that the rest of the world didn’t. But again, I am doing it on an archival basis … I’m filing away the sweet memories into a place where I can retrieve them when I am lonely and sad and hurting. Luckily, the loneliness, sadness and aching seems to be releasing its death grip on me, and for that, I am thankful.

My quandry about SE is that I truly can’t figure him out, not that I ever expect to figure out any man’s psyche. I mean, he tells me he loves me and that he has since the day we met. But then we had two recent dates, and the subject of sex was an issue both times. I am certain he cares about me and wants me in his life, and I feel likewise. But a part of me truly wonders if all he wanted was a cheap, easy lay (and yes, he came to the right place for that!). I even asked him if that were the case, and he seemed offended. But when he’s in my place no longer than five minutes and expresses his desire for a BJ, I have to wonder what’s motivating him.

And may I mention that he STILL has a girlfriend? He’s been saying for the past year that he’s going to break up with her. I know she ain’t putting out … and I feel like regardless of his feelings for me, he’s a man and he needs some action in order to survive, and I was a likely candidate. I don’t want him to dump the girlfriend for me, because I would like to feel comfortable dating others right now. I’d like for him to be one of the people I date, yet I don’t think he would be very thrilled with the fact that I am intending on meeting and/or dating other men. Yet that would be hypocrisy on his part, because he’s still dating his girlfriend, but I don’t want to tell him I’m dating others and then have him request exclusivity. Again, it’s nothing against him, but I know he would take it so personally, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him.

Therein lies the conflict … how do I strike a balance between keeping this nice guy in my life but pushing him away just enough to allow me a little more breathing room? Look, I made the mistake with YKW by thinking that sex was going to lead to the love of a lifetime. Granted, I’m not dumb enough to normally link the two (as sex and love have been two very separate domains in my life and continue to be), but I really see now where YKW might have liked the sexual relationship and might possibly have wanted more, just not at the lightning-quick pace at which I wanted to move. And here, SE is taking my role, and I am taking YKW’s. Life kinda bites you in the ass that way, sometimes.

And then here’s 42 Boy, wooing me with promises of kisses and more kisses. Aaaahhh. A man after my heart, for sure. He’s quick and witty and has wonderful grammar/spelling. Yes, gentle readers, I know you’re laughing about the last trait, but after a year of working at Two Strikes, you learn the value of being with someone who does not butcher our precious language. Lab Rat and I joke that my ideal man is “tall, dark and effeminate,” and while I will always love that type, I would certainly settle for “well-read, well-spoken and well-hung”!!!!!

I’ll have to update you guys on that last part when I blog tomorrow!!! 😉