Caterwauling

Agitation.

Charolette says CTL handed in his resignation at Two Strikes today, and that it was tearful. The newest castaway from the Survivor game, indeed. My fear is that, after his 30 days’ notice is up, he may actually move to VA. Good grief, my mind can’t even go into that abyss right now.(:::shudder:::)

Not much news on the RK front. Not certain when we’ll meet again. We chatted today (online, natch) and it was fun. That’s what I need to do … just take it easy and enjoy what I can. And not wonder about the possibilities. …

Had a lovely “girls’ night in” last night with 420, his beloved and SM from work. Just what all of us needed, I’m certain. And we need more nights like that, just laughing and stuffing our faces with good food and good wine. Can’t wait till next time! Oh, god, does that mean I’ll actually have to COOK?!?! 😉

Displacement.

Walked around feeling just weird today. Work was busy, and I’ve been scrambling to meet deadlines that I’ve missed by a mile.

At any rate, the real issue is that I’ve been feeling unsettled about things with RK. I know, I know it’s new and strange and uncertain at this point, and I just have to live with it. But I was feeling kind of displaced after two IM convos yesterday, re: a very personal issue and about a trip to Pittsburgh I’m taking this weekend, on which I invited him along. Neither convo was necessarily terrible; I realize we don’t know each other all that well yet, and without it being a face-to-face set of discussions, it’ s not really fair to either of us to not have the benefit of live reactions.

I love IMing because it’s a real-time convo, but emoticons just don’t cut it when you really want to know what he’s thinking, and likewise, you want him to know exactly what pot of thoughts are brewing in your mind. Although people have said I am gifted with verbal ability, I opt to believe my verbal cues are what give me away. I was a P.R. person, and to a degree, I still am. It’s not that words are cheap with me, but for the love, I know how to be a spin doctor and I am not afraid to use those techniques when needed. That’s why I say little when I am experiencing true and powerful emotions. I don’t want to compromise those feelings by saying something just to say it. Or, for that matter, saying things that may be unpleasant by putting them in a pleasant light, a light that may blind the person in question as to the real hidden meanings. Ugh. Rambling again.

In the IMs, we had discussed two very big issues (and neither in the depth that they deserved), so I sent an email tonight really giving my two cents’ worth on the trip-to-Pgh issue (and ignoring the other issue, which also needs to be addressed, but in due time, if that time should ever come).

The former issue, well, I discussed with Lab Rat last nite during a session of girl-roomie bonding. Which was nice. I’m still getting used to the whole living-with-someone thing, not that it’s bad but it’s still kind of a culture shock (probably more so for Maddie than for me, at any rate), but one of the positives to having a roomie is the built-in bonding time. We were both in the dumps for inverse reasons: her for the lack of a promising job but with a great relationship, and me for having a promising (somewhat) job but with no certainty about a relationship. LOL. We ranted and chilled out and eventually wore ourselves out. And today is a new and a better day for us both, but last night, we didn’t feel so alone in the world.

We talked of the need for familiarity — that it might not be Pittsburgh itself that we miss but rather the fact that all we knew and loved is no longer within physical reach or sight anymore. It’s disconcerting, when you think about it. I mean, I took the wrong lane on Van Dorn Street tonight and ended up on the Beltway going to Maryland. Took two wrong exits before I finally saw a sign for Richmond and headed south till I saw signs that jogged my overworked brain. In Pgh, that never would have happened; you could have done a U-Turn and gotten into the correct line of traffic without losing more than two minutes of your time. I put an extra 13 miles on the car tonight, when I only had an extra mile to go before I would have gotten home, had I not fucked up the Van Dorn thing. And I would have been able to get into the *correct* lane (illegally, at best), but a cop had just finished pulling someone over and was merging into the lane that I needed. LOL … I wasn’t about to cross over a yellow line at that point!!! An extra half-hour out of my life was worth not risking the ticket! LOL.

But long story finally over, this feeling of being so infinitesimal in the grand scheme of things is getting old. I want to fit in somewhere, anywhere. And maybe that’s a small part of my attraction to RK … not that he’s a native of the area, but because he can become something familiar and consistent in my life. An anchor, if you will. Pinhead always said the one who tamed me would win me. Maybe it’s time to calm the fuck down and hold on tightly, if this one will let me. Soothing the savage beast. Hah. We’ll see, friends. We’ll see.

Indulgence.

After a crazy week at work, especially as we tried to put the magazine to bed today but Quark had other ideas, 420 and I indulged in, oh, his namesake before dropping the materials at the printer and heading to Springfield Mall for some serious retail therapy. We spent waaaayyy too much; 420 on furry pillows and me on skirts and scandalous knickers. Ah, joy.

Heard from SE/CTL (and I’m sure that by now, y’all know that they are one in the same person, as was YKW/Brat). Charolette told me that she told him flat-out that I’m dating someone, and that apparently perked his interest and he asked if it’s a good man. She said of course, because I would not settle for anything less. lol. BTW, tomorrow he’s taking his longtime girlfriend to Kennywood for the Two Strikes annual picnic.

Not knowing that Charolette and he had spoken of the guy whom I am wondering what he’s thinking right now, CTL said that F/OM had asked if we still communicate, and he admitted that he and I do exchange emails here and there. Apparently F/OM was surprised to learn that we haven’t talked in weeks. Here’s a story: CTL told me that he and Charolette were having a convo recently about him not calling me, and he commented that I’m probably mad about that. They talked about if I would yell and scream at him. He, self-admittedly, told me that he’d told Charolette that it would make him horny if I’d yell and scream at him. Ewww.

He asked if I had a place to sleep when I visit Pgh, because I can always stay with him. (yeah, who wants laid? — ha ha.) He was also disappointed that I’m only going to be in town one night, which means that I might not see him outside of Lori’s party on Saturday (for which Charolette is my date and no, RK has not said another word about the trip, so I’m drivin’ alone, guys!). He was fishing for a date with me for Saturday night; I could only promise to figure it out when I get there. (Damn, I was supposed to see 42 Boy … wonder if he remembers? lol … But I’m A-OK if he forgets … he scared me a bit with wanting to rape and choke me, to which I said I refused to participate in choking and frankly, you just can’t rape the willing.)

Ahem. TMI, once again!!!

Not sure when I’ll see RK again. He’s going to Boston next weekend, and I may just go back to Pgh if CMU Boy is still willing to have me as his guest for the Melissa Etheridge concert. And the weekend following, RK is supposed to have a party, but I was also invited on a Pub Club adventure to Pennsylvania to eat, drink, be merry and drool over all the hot young college freshmen starting at Bucknell. 🙂 420 says I should take the road trip with the work buddies, because I need friends down here. He says that if RK is worth anything, he’ll wait for me, but honestly, if RK actually has the party and wants me along, it will be a difficult decision. But will the day come? I hope so, but I’ll deal with it then, if at all. I’ve never dumped friends for a man, and I don’t intend to begin now. But I’m so damn tired of being without a relationship (that I want, let me clarify!) that I would like to spend time with him, if he’ll have me.

Speaking of RK, we’ve IMed a few times. No response to my Pgh email apology. Whatever. I flat-out asked him out for tomorrow night, but all he said was that he had plans. One wonders if it’s another date, and I can’t say a word because, well, I don’t know. Not that I am planning to be with CTL in any way, shape or form, because I’m not. Here’s a question: did CTL honestly expect me to be keeping to myself and not meeting people? Perhaps because he is not having sex right now, he figures I’m not, either. LOL … I’ve dated three guys since our last interlude, and things got hot and heavy with two of them. I just don’t want him asking about RK when I don’t know if there is anything to tell. Humph. Damn it, now I really wish RK could’ve come to Pgh. In a way it was a relief that he didn’t want to go, though, because I knew it would hurt CTL if I had a date other than Charolette. And I would never, ever want to flaunt a date in front of him anyway, but RK could have increased my own comfort level, knowing that I wouldn’t be fighting off any advances later in the evening!

Ah, the drama continues. But at least I’m not missing Brat the way I was … I have somebody new to occupy the crack he left in my heart. 🙂 For now, anyway. …

BTW …

As far as familiar places, the Pub Club (composed of 420, Ollie, Shannon, Andrew and me) went to King Street Blues the other night, which is totally Virginia’s answer to Buffalo Blues, a Two Strikes happy hour favorite. Aaah, nostalgia. … 🙂

Displacement.

Walked around feeling just weird today. Work was busy, and I’ve been scrambling to meet deadlines that I’ve missed by a mile.

At any rate, the real issue is that I’ve been feeling unsettled about things with RK. I know, I know it’s new and strange and uncertain at this point, and I just have to live with it. But I was feeling kind of displaced after two IM convos yesterday, re: a very personal issue and about a trip to Pittsburgh I’m taking this weekend, on which I invited him along. Neither convo was necessarily terrible; I realize we don’t know each other all that well yet, and without it being a face-to-face set of discussions, it’ s not really fair to either of us to not have the benefit of live reactions.

I love IMing because it’s a real-time convo, but emoticons just don’t cut it when you really want to know what he’s thinking, and likewise, you want him to know exactly what pot of thoughts are brewing in your mind. Although people have said I am gifted with verbal ability, I opt to believe my facial cues are what give me away. I was a P.R. person, and to a degree, I still am. It’s not that words are cheap with me, but for the love, I know how to be a spin doctor and I am not afraid to use those techniques when needed. That’s why I say little when I am experiencing true and powerful emotions. I don’t want to compromise those feelings by saying something just to say it. Or, for that matter, saying things that may be unpleasant by putting them in a pleasant light, a light that may blind the person in question as to the real hidden meanings. Ugh. Rambling again.

In the IMs, we had discussed two very big issues (and neither in the depth that they deserved), so I sent an email tonight really giving my two cents’ worth on the trip-to-Pgh issue (and ignoring the other issue, which also needs to be addressed, but in due time, if that time should ever come).

The former issue, well, I discussed with Lab Rat last nite during a session of girl-roomie bonding. Which was nice. I’m still getting used to the whole living-with-someone thing, not that it’s bad but it’s still kind of a culture shock (probably more so for Maddie than for me, at any rate), but one of the positives to having a roomie is the built-in bonding time. We were both in the dumps for inverse reasons: her for the lack of a promising job but with a great relationship, and me for having a promising (somewhat) job but with no certainty about a relationship. LOL. We ranted and chilled out and eventually wore ourselves out. And today is a new and a better day for us both, but last night, we didn’t feel so alone in the world.

We talked of the need for familiarity — that it might not be Pittsburgh itself that we miss but rather the fact that all we knew and loved is no longer within physical reach or sight anymore. It’s disconcerting, when you think about it. I mean, I took the wrong lane on Van Dorn Street tonight and ended up on the Beltway going to Maryland. Took two wrong exits before I finally saw a sign for Richmond and headed south till I saw signs that jogged my overworked brain. In Pgh, that never would have happened; you could have done a U-Turn and gotten into the correct line of traffic without losing more than two minutes of your time. I put an extra 13 miles on the car tonight, when I only had an extra mile to go before I would have gotten home, had I not fucked up the Van Dorn thing. And I would have been able to get into the *correct* lane (illegally, at best), but a cop had just finished pulling someone over and was merging into the lane that I needed. LOL … I wasn’t about to cross over a yellow line at that point!!! An extra half-hour out of my life was worth not risking the ticket! LOL.

But long story finally over, this feeling of being so infinitesimal in the grand scheme of things is getting old. I want to fit in somewhere, anywhere. And maybe that’s a small part of my attraction to RK … not that he’s a native of the area, but because he can become something familiar and consistent in my life. An anchor, if you will. Pinhead always said the one who tamed me would win me. Maybe it’s time to calm the fuck down and hold on tightly, if this one will let me. Soothing the savage beast. Hah. We’ll see, friends. We’ll see. Till then, who thinks I should give The Artist Guy a call?!?!

Oh, BTW, don’t think me cruel for the reference to The Artist Guy. I am perturbed to death because the singles site where RK found my profile also contains a profile for him, and the site shows that he logs in, it seems, every day. In fact, every day, I log in to glance at his photos and brush up a bit on his profile (likes/dislikes), and every day, it says that there has been activity (i.e., a login) during the past 24 hours. And yesterday, it said that the profile had been UPDATED!!! WTF?!?! I have the profile practically memorized, so I didn’t see any changes, but nonetheless, what’s he doing updating his profile when he’s met the perfect woman in me? Ha ha. Don’t think me an idiot … we’re not serious (right now) so dating others is fine with me. BUT … that brings up issues I don’t even want to touch here. Ugh. I am not going to go where my mind just attempted to visit, but you all know, it’s scary out there. That, and I really hoped he would fall for me, the sooner, the better, because I think I’m falling for him.

Hah.

Remember the asshole who stood me up on Tuesday? Here’s an email from him that I promptly deleted — like he did to a brilliant one from me, where I casually pointed out that his profile says he’s seeking a “male for casual or serious relationship” (I wasn’t lying … I know he’s into chicks, but the thing really was written incorrectly! Anyway, I listed that line in my email and said that HAD to be why he didn’t want to meet me!). LOL. At any rate, check out the subject line … whatta joke!!!

Subj:    Not a Total Jerk

From:   Misfit Thinker (::appropriate, eh? — Cavalier::)

” ‘Cavalier,’

I want to apologize for what happened earlier in the week.  I am not a total jerk–just mostly when I deal with women.  Actually, I realized this week that I am far from over my previous relationship, and am still in love with my ex-girlfriend.  Not that that excuses my behavior, but I wanted you to know it was not personal.

Jeff ”

Nah, he’s a total jerk. That, and the poster child for the benefits of abortion. 😉 Think of all the women’s lives who would not have been ruined by his existence. If only. … 😉

I wanted to email back that his choice of subject lines in emails to me are consistently off-target, but then again, responding to this dickhead makes it look like I care. Which I don’t. Chapter CLOSED!!!

He called. 😀

Awkwardness.

I know RK wanted to see me again this weekend, but I have work to do and I flat out just couldn’t do it. But I wanted to see him. I hope he knows that. I still have a lot of work ahead of me, so I’m gonna haul ass for the next few hours and hope for the best. Not sure why I’m not getting my stories done, other than the pressure of knowing this is my debut issue and it has to be good work, and relearning AP Style, journalistic writing and mental health issues in general. That, and my mind keeps wandering; before the date, I was dreaming about meeting him, and now, I’m dreaming about seeing him again.

But now I’m going through the typical awkward state after a date. This is typically the time that the guy decides to head for the hills, for whatever reason. I’ve gotten dozens of excuses over the years, from it’s the fact that I’m a cat person and they’re not, or I’m too dedicated to my work and/or friends and family, that “it’s not you, it’s me” — and, strangely, I’ve gotten weird lines that might have been true or might have just been excuses, like the fact that one said I was too attractive for him, another said my accomplishments were intimidating, that my former job (as a so-called executive) made him feel small in comparison (i.e., earning less money and not having the responsibility level), etc. etc.

Just like most people have heard every pickup line on the planet (I count myself as one of those people), I’ve heard every “dump” line around too, if they bothered to bring any kind of closure instead of quietly fading from view. And for the fact that I REALLY like RK, I expect him to pull away only because I want him in my life. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, he has given every indication that he wants to see where this can go, and I appreciate that and believe him. But unfortunately, I have luggage that I wasn’t able to leave behind in Pittsburgh … and we can thank YKW for this newfound apprehension that whenever I think I can fall head-over-heels for a guy, the guy in question can remain upright enough to crawl away unscathed at any time from the fire building between us.

Blah. I am making no sense whatsoever.

There is just a negative part of me, this demon I cannot exorcise. I figure that if I at least consider the fact that the guy may run screaming once he gets to know me (or even before he gets that far), he may not. At least if I am prepared for him to run away, I can handle it better when he inevitably does. Not to say that I haven’t walked away from my fair share of potential relationships in my day, because I have, but I’ve only done it out of incompatibility issues rather than fear. YKW left in fear. I don’t think RK is afraid, though, but I do worry that he doesn’t know me well enough to not take me seriously or personally when I do or don’t do something.

In comfort, his biggest pet peeve is a lack of a second date. He wonders how, after a first date, a woman can decide she just doesn’t want to find out more about him when first dates are, by nature, a bit tense and possibly not completely reflective of each party’s true personality. (::whew::) I know I was quiet and tired, having only had two hours of sleep the previous night, and I feel like I wasn’t as “fun” as I can normally be, which is usually my selling point. That, and even my hair was tired, but I forced it to behave itself. 🙂

Goodness, how I torture myself, and I truly do hope this is just unnecessary rambling on my part. I know that even if this would go nowhere, I am still an incredible person (i.e., Stuart Smalley, of SNL fame), but I also know that I wouldn’t know a good guy if I fell over one. Well, I’ve found one, and I’d like to see what it’s like to be with a REAL man, for once. No more booty calls (::sob!::), no more one-night flings (::sob again!::), no more lonely Saturday nights (::this is sounding better!::), no more scrounging for a date for events (::the single woman’s curse::), no more looking at your happy-couple friends and wanting to hold back your hair and puke for hours (::familiar territory::), and best of all, no more hoping that the next guy is “the one,” because you’ve already found him and you’re holding on tightly because there’s just no way anybody can be better than him.

And with that real man, I would never look back. Starting today, right this very minute. To hell with the personals and bars and shit like that. I’m 28, and I’ve had fun. Lots of it. And there is still more to be had, just in a different fashion.

Damn it, when is he gonna CALL????? 🙂

Satiety.

To compensate for all the lying, conniving, cheap, pathetic and/or otherwise useless fuck-ups of my past, I truly believe that I have finally met the one who is not going to hurt me.

Went out with RK last evening. It was the best first date, if not best “date” date, I’ve ever had. From the moment I opened the door last night, I knew that I was going to have a wonderful night. He took me to Ballston, where we dined at Rock Bottom and then we went upstairs to Comedy Sportz, where he bought us tickets for both of the evening’s shows. Then we came back here and well, you know. (*wink, wink*)

Just called him … seemed glad to hear from me. I like how he talks in terms of us actually being together. For example, he invited me to a party a few weeks from now, and he’s talking about a short trip he’s planning in October, just for me to think about, because if all works out well with us, he wants me to go. Strangely, I have a funny feeling that not only will I be around for that trip in October, but I will be around for a lot longer than that. I swear, call me crazy (and who hasn’t?), but I am going to marry him someday. I just know it. I knew it before we met, and after yesterday, I feel all the more that he, in fact, is my destiny.

It’s unnerving, this feeling of certainty. That’s really all I have to say. Goodness, I am ready to marry this guy! What is WRONG with me … that the eternally swinging single is ready to give up the torture of the dating world to be with just one person??? Cripes, I have now six people who have responded to my ad, and The Artist Guy keeps calling/emailing. If I hadn’t met RK, I would be with The Artist Guy. But now, I don’t even have the inclination to date a few people casually. If RK wants to give this a shot, I think I would welcome it with open arms. Gaaaaaahhhh. What the hell was in that beer last night, to make me think this way?

A few things I can say to try to rationalize this enamored feeling I’m having. First, when we spoke a few days ago, he had asked what Lab Rat and I were doing on Friday, because he wanted to invite both of us out to meet him and his friends. Awwww. I mean, come on … the invitation was for both of us, which was incredibly sweet, and more importantly, he didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable, coming into a situation where everybody knew each other and I didn’t know a soul. And then, when his plans were canceled, he immediately let me know that he didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to meet me. The great thing, though, was that he PLANNED the entire evening. All I had known about it was that I had to be prepared to stay out until 1 a.m. I never asked any questions — I figured for once, I could sit back and not run the show (as I have often been forced to do). And that was the plan: dinner and two comedy shows. The best part of it all, though, was that he sat with his arm around me for the entire duration of both shows. I loved it — not just feeling secure, but feeling wanted. Everyone at Comedy Sportz knew him, it seemed, and he seemed glad to have me there with him.

Lab Rat enjoyed him because when they met, he introduced himself to her and shook her hand. She said he seemed the tiniest bit self-conscious, which she thought was adorable. She told me I can definitely bring him into the apartment and fuck him whenever and wherever I please (as long as I know she won’t be coming home!) … the rule of “don’t fuck sleaze in our apartment,” she says, doesn’t apply with him, so I am free to have him over anytime, i.e., I don’t have to have sex with him in the car. 😉 Thanks, LR!!!

Gawd, he pays for everything, holds my hand, holds doors for me, insists to walk on the curb side of sidewalks, etc. Never quite met anybody like that … I’d thought that species of homo sapien was renamed homo sexual. 😉 A straight man who knows how to treat a lady … well, who knew?

Guys, wish me luck! Here’s to hoping I don’t screw this one up, because I think I’d really regret it if I did.

Precipice.

There is this strange warm feeling that is circulating through my body today … could it be happiness? I spoke with a nice young man last evening … for three hours, when I should have been finishing my SO not finished articles that were due two days ago. Mmm. I don’t know what it is about him, but I just have a good feeling about this one. I have this strange premonition that he may actually be “the one.” But, of course, my rational side says that, if nothing else, this may turn into a respectable relationship, even if it doen’t last forever. Sweeeeettt.

We will see each other either Friday or Saturday, depending on which day I have plans with 420 Boy to go to a male strip club (I hear they strip down to nothing here!). My new friend invited me to meet him and some of his friends on Friday at a bar in Fairfax, and because I was not sure which day I was going to spend with 420, he said that’s okay and that if I am not free on Friday, then he’s claiming Saturday for a date. Heh heh. I like this guy already!!!

Ok, back to my coffee.

Oh, did I mention how much I fucking LOVE broadband? Especially because, for some bizarre reason, both phone jacks in my bedroom died sometime yesterday. Lab Rat hooked me up and I am just so fucking happy to see webpages at the speed of light. 😉