Caterwauling

Spent the day alone. Loved it. Needed it. Need more of it.

Mom told me today that for as miserable as I was in Pittsburgh at my horrible last job there, I was a thousand times happier than I am here in Alexandria, Va. She said I sound older, seem worn-out and depressed, and can’t paste a true smile on my face to save my life. Funny how “my life before” would have been less taxing on my emotions, but even though I was pissed when she said it, I see her point. In a big way.

But could I even go back to Pgh at this point? Would I get the same salary and level of responsibility that I had when I left? Hell no. While I might’ve felt I was dying on the vine up there, I’ve brought that vine down here and have essentially hanged myself with it. I’m behind by 1 car insurance installment, 2 car payments and 3 student loan payments (or is it 4?), with no bloody way of ever catching up. I miss my old apartment. I miss dating dozens of people. I miss having money to burn to compensate for my depression.

I was really liking it here, or so I thought. But my social life is not what it once was, and my finances, well, see above. And there is other stuff that I don’t put into this blog, not necessarily for fear of hurting anyone (some days, just ask me if I care), but it’s more so that I don’t air dirty laundry. I can rip someone to shreds in a sentence, but this is not the forum to do that, if ever it should be appropriate at all.

But I can’t go back. I can only go forward. Not sure where I am going to get the gumption to do so, but once my damn period ends, perhaps I will regain my humanity and get my life back together. 🙂

On a strange note, I heard from F/OM, my old boss, today. I love him. I really do. He was tough as nails on me, but I know he loved me right back, ’cause I didn’t take his shit — and most of that shit came from HIS boss, HRP, anyway. He was just the sieve. At any rate, a few things he said inspired me to write a LONG e-mail response about what is REALLY happening in my life. I held little back. Told him about Shan, IKEA Boy, RK, my own adventures with sexual liberation, etc. — perhaps it was TMI, but the boy’s got a sense of humor, and I’m sure he knew all about me, anyway. 🙂 I’m in his club. Also, I complained about the assholes who run the Veggie Patch — F/OM is furious on my behalf that I am making peanuts and am made to feel (by everyone other than my boss) like I am worthless to them. He is smoking about that — he keeps encouraging me to fight for myself, to not let them get away with not paying me what I am worth (although, arguably, I am worth more than any stupid company can ever pay me). That makes me very happy, because I busted my ass when I worked for him, and he knows the wonderful things of which I am capable.

I’d once joked with Susan that F/OM (who is now HER supervisor) and I should get together and produce a kid. She had said that such a kid would be a fabulous specimen of humanity, given his smarts and my, well, je ne sais quoi. LOL. I think the kid would be too brilliant and talented to even BE human, but it’s an interesting idea, to mesh our gene pools. 🙂 How much does that in vitro stuff cost? hee hee. If I have a kid, it has to be a genetic masterpiece, and I think having F/OM for its daddy (and Jay as its stepparent) would ensure that fact. :0)

And one last thought about Brat, as I wrote about him today … my heart is absolutely going to break when/if I ever learn that he’s in a relationship or that he’s proposed to someone other than me. I know it’s inevitable, but it just occurred to me that maybe I wasn’t so special to him. And that wounds me more than anything on earth.

Drinking coffee, chainsmoking and pondering the whole RK saga. Ergh.

Have chatted numerous times via IM during the past few weeks. Had a particularly racy convo yesterday, and started having another sultry one today. I kinda turned that around, and I’ve noticed that when the conversation moves from the subject of sex, discussion stagnates. Interestingly, he’d sent me the directions to his place and his address, and I signed off yesterday with taunting him by saying that I was on my way and that I’d see him at his house when he got home from work. hee hee. Naturally, I went to the gym and hung out with Shan and opted not to go home, in favor of hanging out with IKEA Boy and Bryan instead, but it made me happy to be such a little cock-tease. (I’m still bitter about being a first-date fuck and not even a second date or a fucking follow-up phone call for like four months.)

He made a cute little comment that he was expecting to see me yesterday. lol. I said that I am not one to announce my visit but instead tend to show up randomly. Something I wanted to say was that, for as horny as I am, I am not overly interested in another random fuck with him, only for him to run screaming into the night again. I like him and think there could be something possible between us, but if we fuck around again the next time we see each other, after all this time, he’ll end up disappearing again — I know it. And while, granted, if these guys are dumb enough to let me go, it’s their loss, but I don’t want to walk into this with the expectation of doom, particularly when I swear I saw something special in him.

As an aside, I guess I can admit that I have been FLOODED with thoughts of Brat. Motherfuck him. His sister recently had a little boy, and it’s all I can do to restrain myself from dropping him a note of congratulations on being an uncle. The thing is with him, I know he would appreciate such a gesture. He is the type who loves it when someone takes time out of their schedule to acknowledge him — positive attention always brings a dimpled smile to his face. Related, a part of me will always wonder if I were one of those girls he never dreamed he would “get,” and then when he knew he had me, he couldn’t handle it. Shit, even one of his best friends wanted me, but he’s the one who won. But then he did nothing to keep me around. And I never gave up on him. Even now, I still wonder when/if he will ever get the cajones to try to sweep me off my feet again. I KNOW he was flattered by my attention and affection, and if he could just for once play his cards right, he might find it there again.

And THAT’s why I don’t feel like chasing after RK. I have guided too many relationships into disaster, especially when I’m the one who has to make out the first/next move. I have become a big believer in letting the guy come to me instead and subsequently make the second, third and fourth moves. Unfortunately, I am so friggin’ impatient. The Dawn from a year ago would have blown off all of her commitments yesterday and been not only AT his house, but INSIDE his house, when he got home. I would’ve found a way (it’s not overly difficult to enter someone’s house, esp. if they don’t have a security system. lol).

At any rate, the convo is back up (he got called away from his desk at work). We’ll see how/where it goes. In the meantime, I got a response to my newest personal ad that I placed (yes, I have four ads out there) — I need to sit down and write a coherent response. Not sure if he’s a good match for me (our interests seem very different), but he saw my photos and didn’t head for the hills, so it’s worth a shot, right?

Damn it, I have GOT to get my stocking stuffed by Xmas. …