Caterwauling

Just spent my now-routine Saturday midafternoon with my favorite furry-faced nephews, Kirby and Jynx. Those two are a riot, and I really enjoyed them today. They are probably the only men on earth who worship me as their goddess. 🙂 Then again, they love anybody who feeds them “cookies” (read: treats). 🙂

Kirby, at 65 pounds, longs to be a lap dog, and he gets so disappointed when we have to make him get off the couch or to remove himself from someone’s lap (he tries valiantly, but he can’t get his 22-pound ass up high enough to truly be a lap dog). So, when I play with the boys, I sit on the floor with them, and Kirby loves it because he can lie on my legs and feel all svelte and lap-dog-like. Unfortunately, I can liken the sensation in my legs to how a paraplegic must feel, because after awhile, I have no feeling whatsoever, and he obviously has no intentions of moving his doggie ass elsewhere.

Today Jynx was all aflutter. He spends his days in a cage (being crate-trained, as he is just a baby), so when he gets out, it’s like the gates of hell swinging open and unleashing the beast. He is the quintessential lap dog, at fewer than 10 pounds, but he’s used to getting attention, so today he was all about one of the bones that was lying on their shared doggie bed. It was cute as all hell, watching him pick up this dinosaur-sized bone, which was almost as big as he was. He picked it up in his teeth to carry it, and he promptly fell over from its weight and size. Kirby tried to pick it up and hand it to him, but that instituted a doggie brawl, right on my legs, which were luckily devoid of sensation by that point. Jynxie was gnawing at Kirby, so I separated them, leaving Jynxie to chew on my shoelaces and Kirby to nestle a little closer to me in appreciation.

Kirby can do some dumb stuff (okay, so he makes a living out of it), but he is such a character. He’s always been the elder statesman of the house, before MU moved out and took TT, short for Topsi or her full name, Topsi Turvy, with him. He’s really cool, especially when the littler dogs beat up on him. He’s very gentle with them and protects them, although you can tell that he enjoys it when he’s NOT the one being reprimanded. I thought it was so fucking adorable when he tried to give Jynx the bone, which Jynx settled about eating until he saw that I gave Kirby the other bone that was lying on the pet bed. Of course, Jynx abandoned his own bone so that he could knock the other one out of Kirby’s mouth and claim it for himself. Kirby kinda looked at me like, “Do you see the shit I have to put up with? Gaaaah!”

Then the two played nice for a minute and both chewed on the same bone, from opposite ends. They worked that like horny housewives tear up a double dong. It was the funniest thing I had seen all day. 🙂 They finally dropped it when I attempted to move my legs around, to see if blood were still circulating. The reason, though, that I keep my legs together and straight out in front of me is because Kirby immediately sticks his nose in my crotch, looking for gold or something. Argh. But the second I had them open, sure as shit, he had his head under my sweater. Freak. 🙂 I had to shove him away.

By that point, I had stayed so long that Jynxie wanted to go into the backyard again, so I let the boys go out to relieve themselves one last time. I saw Kirby starting to sniff around the yard (ostensibly for some poop to eat), and I yelled, “Come get COOKIES!” and they both almost knocked me over, trying to get to the food station. Then I had to take my usual ‘ho bath (due to gallons of doggie drool all over me), and I took off.

Silly little creatures. I love them so.

Maddie has been exceptionally affectionate as of late, and last night, I was lying on my bed, watching “South Park,” when she curled up next to me. This is nothing new, but I put my arm around her, and she didn’t jump for the ceiling (she likes to get really close, but she hates being enclosed). In fact, she rested her head and one of her paws in the crook of my arm, and she fell asleep for the longest time. I was wishing I could’ve taken a photo of it.

I’m just a pet magnet, I guess. That, and Maddie probably sees all the fine doggie hairs on my clothes, and I imagine she becomes very jealous. I think she even knows when I’ve been with a man, too, because she always comes to me (when I’ve crawled home via the Walk of Shame) and consoles me, reminding me that men are dogs and that she will always love me unconditionally. Although, if I would bring another pussy home (of any variety), I imagine that wouldn’t make her overly happy, as she is and will always be Queen Puss.

Speaking of DVDs (see entry below), I bought the Melissa Etheridge “Live and Alone” DVD from Amazon.com, and I also bought her book, “My Life in Love and Music.” I am breathlessly awaiting their arrival, and I hope it happens before Xmas, ’cause they’re getting delivered to the office, which is closing down till Jan. 2.

At any rate, those of you who have ordered from Amazon know that you are entitled to special “Gold Box” offers, that are discounted for an hour, just for you. 🙂 Anyway, the other day, I was surfing for other shit that I can’t afford, and I opened my Gold Box, only to find an offer for a “Concrete Vibrator.” HUH?!?!! That was one bad-ass powertool, priced at $300 (well, for me, it was $80 cheaper). Anyway, I mused to my Instant Messenger friends about why the fuck I’d get THAT as a special offer. Then I realized that, perhaps, the geniuses at Amazon saw that I am a Melissa fan and automatically assumed that I could use an industrial-strength power tool. … 😉 It’s a wonder they didn’t advertise hiking boots and flannel shirts, although those could be in TODAY’S Gold Box!!!

‘Cause hell is about to freeze over. I am going to pay a compliment to my former employer. (::breaking into song:: — “I felt the earth, move, under my feet. …”)

Our employer sent out an e-mail yesterday, inviting us to our “holiday party,” which will take place in mid-January (perhaps they did not want to pay the premium room rental rates that one would normally pay when hosting a holiday party, well, before the damn holiday). IKEA Boy and I will be in Manhattan, so shucks, darn, we won’t be there. Shan will also be in NYC, but she’ll be arriving near the time we’re leaving, so we won’t cross paths. (And IKEA Boy and I can’t afford to stay another night in the Big Apple.)

The purpose of today’s rant is to compliment HRP and the Two Strikes (dis)organization for putting together an absolutely lovely celebration last year. We received embossed invitations, complete with reply cards, at least three weeks in advance of the event (which was held before the holidays). We were able to invite a guest for free — the only thing we had to pay for was $1 for parking, a tip for the valet and the cash bar. That’s it. It took place at Pittsburgh’s Grand Hall at The Priory, the latter of which is a bed-and-breakfast. The Grand Hall is a converted church, complete with a dais, and is home to many a wedding reception. It was darkened and beautifully decorated with greenery and white lights, for our purposes. It was romantic and ambient — truly a memorable evening for all.

Our Veggie Patch mixer (ha!) will take place at one of the local hotels here in Alexandria. Given the location of it, parking will NOT be free (because our free street parking ends after New Year’s), and it would be wiser to just put your car in a garage, anyway. Our meals are free (they seem decent — we got the menu yesterday — they’re actually not cheaping-out on us). It’s a buffet dinner, which seems kinda tacky, when Two Strikes gave us each an individual, four-course meal. But I digress. 🙂

However, here, we have to pay $35 if we want to bring a guest, which I find to be a bit tasteless, considering that we have approximately 50 employees. Plus, given that the median salary here is about $35K — not factoring in the associate executive attention hyperactive deficit disorder esquires — that’s a lot to ask us to pay. And on top of it, I’m there’s a coat check, cash bar, etc. And they say there are great door prizes, but one must be there in order to be eligible.

HRP had class when it came to gift-giving, I’ll tell ya. She gave each of her 130 employees (not just those who showed up) a fabulous jewelry box with gender-appropriate jewelry inside. She did, granted, leave the “Retail value: $265” sticker on every last one of them, but shit, if I’d spent that on each employee, god damn it if I didn’t want them to know that I didn’t buy them cheap stuff. I got her after the event and told her that next time she was going to buy jewelry in bulk, she should ask me to weasel at least a discount for us. (Yes, I am the eternal fundraiser/penny-pincher.)

However, like most employers, I know they expect us to be grateful for this, but I’m having a hard time when they’re being so stingy with raises and what not. In fact, I am slightly bitter because we’re hiring a new staff person for MIS in January (when raises were supposed to take effect for Shan and me), who will be earning more than our raises combined and times two. Granted, this kid has some sense and might just help the department to become more efficient, but I’m still allowed to be bitter. In fact, I can’t think of any other way that I could otherwise feel about the situation. 🙂

P. Demure left boxes of chocolates for IKEA Boy and me, which was nice ’cause they’re gourmet chocolates. However, when I opened mine up, every single one is smashed. Humph. An eerily accurate commentary on the way things are around here — you’d rather get nothin’ than get your hopes smashed in.

In bright news, my Alanis Morrissette “Feast on Scraps” CD and DVD arrived while I was out of the office yesterday. Now, one of these days, I’ve got to buy myself a DVD player. … 🙂