It’s impossible to love fully. For me, anyway. Everyone seems to have a hidden agenda, even if their only item on their “to-do” list is, well, me. 🙂
I long for a time when I feel like I can give myself completely, without fear of attachment, abandonment or pregnancy/disease, to be blunt about it. I find that no matter how I try to lose myself in the sexual act, one or all of these emotions are written on the ceilings or headboards within my line of vision. I want to close my eyes and fall into the illusion, only, I don’t want it to be an illusion anymore. I want to feel what it’s like to make love, and I want there to be love left over in the morning, not just a shattered slipper next to the cum-stained sheets.
I think the last time I attempted to fully immerse myself in the act was with Brat. I’d wanted him so badly, and when I learned that the desire was mutual, well, Cinderella couldn’t throw her rags to the floor fast enough. 🙂 I never for a moment stopped to think that both parties weren’t in the same place emotionally. And even after that went kaput, whatever magic had drawn us together, well, never really went away. When we saw each other 10 times a day, every day, I still felt like Cinderella, awaiting the return of her precious glass slipper. Unfortunately, this Cinderella got tired of running around barefoot, and she hit the next shoe sale at Payless and was finally on her merry way.
But I want to feel weightless and ecstatic and hopeful again, now that I know it’s possible. I want the unity of body and soul, smiles during kisses, feeling during penetration, happiness during shared breaths. I don’t want to withhold my heart, pretend it’s OK for everyone to walk away, feign that nothing happened. Or, on the other hand, I don’t want to pretend that I care when I really don’t.
I still believe in love at first sight, in magic, in karma, in kindred spirits. I would just love to bump into these souls, have both parties acknowledge the cosmic attraction, and go with it — wholly and voraciously.
But until such a day could ever arrive, I’ll continue either being or pretending to be uninterested, which keeps them interested. I’ll keep playin gthe games, including being unavailable and vague, which will intensify the chase. And hopefully, when I stop running away, the right person will catch me.
Song of the moment: “No Regrets” by Jodi Sheeler
“The carriages are empty at midnight
the lovers have all left for the dance
a champagne glass is shattered on the pavement in the streetlights
and Cinderella’s back in her rags
It don’t matter baby if you’re drinking bourbon
you’re still just crying in your beer
and that train that you were waiting on has gone and left without you
I know you never thought you’d still be here
And the band starts up another cover
of a love song you’ve heard before
as they come out of the shadows, out of the rain, out of the night
up to the bar to order just one more
From the places you’ve forgotten to the ones you never left
from all the things you said to all the things you really meant
from everything you might have been to everything you are instead
here’s to no regrets, here’s to no regrets
You can pass the places that he lingers
you can stand outside his wrought-iron gate
you can memorize his details, learn his secrets, see his heart
but you just can’t touch the will of fate
Cause it’s Juliet he sees when he is dreaming
and Juliet he waits for by the tracks
you’re caught in someone else’s tragedy lighting matches in the wind
but you’re already lost so there’s no turning back
From the places you’ve forgotten to the ones you never left
from all the things you said to all the things you really meant
from everything you might have been to everything you are instead
here’s to no regrets, here’s to no regrets
So the conversation turns to the familiar
the pretty girls are leaving with their dates
remind me ’cause I’ve forgotten once again
how long you said that you could stay
And the rain comes down like a curtain
the crowd will be gone before you know
don’t forget to lock the door behind you and remember
to say goodbye before you go
From the places you’ve forgotten to the ones you never left
from all the things you said to all the things you really meant
from everything you might have been to everything you are instead
here’s to no regrets
from everything you might have been to everything you are instead
here’s to no regrets, here’s to no regrets.”