Caterwauling

Y’know, after I read my horoscope, I decided to make it come true by watching an endless, mindless series of shows on Fox. Called my mom and everything. I feel much better.

Thanks to the psychotrophic hayride that my den of employment has taken me on, I fried myself. And while I planned to catch up this weekend — and did, in fact, make a great dent in my work — it still wasn’t enough to catch me up. And while of course I will have hell to pay tomorrow, I am fine with this. I got behind, I couldn’t keep up, and I accept the consequences. It’s OK — I know my actions will hold a lot of people up, but the beauty of the publications process is that well, shit happens. Lateness was unforgivable at the previous job (god forbid you don’t obey the wishes and accommodate the mighty whims of HRP), but in the writing/publishing field, last-minute crises are expected. I know, I know — any missteps on my part now would theoretically damage any shot I have at promotion, but per Demure, I’ll essentially never ascend anyway, so what the hell? 🙂 I’ll live. I always do. I’ve been written up before — no novelties there.

I’ve been thinking about getting back out in the job market again. Granted, Shan is almost ready to go full-steam ahead with her business, which will be the catalyst for me launching my own firm, but in the meantime, I have no financial or emotional capital to invest into any side projects — given how poorly I’m paid, which drains me equally in both of those ways — and well, I need a lucrative, stimulating job to sustain me while we undergo the growing pains of launching a new company. Next weekend, I’m going to dust off the resume (I’ve kept it pretty up-to-date, though), get my writing samples together and get to work … on me, for a change.

The question is, though, ARE there any fulfilling jobs and employers out there? I’ve always been terminally miserable, being someone’s marionette. I promised myself that I would never work for anyone but myself ever again, and I am in love with that idea. Could I really go through the ridiculous, “I am detail-oriented and organized and looking to spend my whole career with you!” bullshit that would-be employers demand for you to say as perkily as you can say it? Can I learn to deal with another set of personalities and politics and — even worse — potlucks? Can I take one more fucking incompetent set of managers when I could out-manage the whole fractured team? Worse, could I take supervising another dumbass like Incoherent Twit from the old job? I don’t know. But just the thought has sent my blood pressure through the roof.

Did I mention that I have not had one cigarette today? Argh!!!

Dear dawn, here is your Horoscope for January 20, 2003

What would happen if you just simply decided to take care of yourself today, dawn? This is what the planets are trying to tell you. You need to relax, to be taken care of, and to close you eyes and dream or fall asleep. Leave those daily tasks behind you today. You need peace and quiet. Lie down and empty your mind of all your worries. You don’t need to act, you don’t need to react, just lie down and relax. …

Oh, doesn’t that sound lovely? I want my weekend back.

Saw Shan and her dad quickly. They saw my car at the office — when they came to my door, Kumquat came running up. I heard Kumquat say to Dennis, “I’ve heard a lot about you,” and Dennis said, quite pointedly, “Oh, I’ve heard a lot about you.” hee hee. Kumquat didn’t acknowledge me, which was fine — I’d slipped into the office unnoticed today and slipped out pretty much the same way. Once I saw Kumquat, though, I developed a banging headache. Par for the course, I s’pose. That and PMS has to be dawning — I’m sure the Red Tide is on the horizon, given the unpredictable mood patterns.

I just feel bad ’cause I was perfectly hostile when Shan opened my door. It wasn’t aimed at her, by any means. I was just bitter that the only people in that building, besides me, are on executive salaries. She stopped by just to see me, and I could neither smile nor even speak. I’ve officially shut down, and I want to kick my own ass for being self-pitying and self-centered. I did call and leave an apologetic VM — I just said I’m devoid of any emotion right now, that I’m just tired, that I wish I could have enjoyed the past three days like the rest of the Veggie Patch did.

Of course, on the bright side, I will enjoy my freedom next weekend, while — unfortunately — Shan and the Veggie Executives are in back-to-back meetings. I feel bad for her — she doesn’t deserve such abuse. 🙂 I’d rather have my crappy little job any day, when I look at it that way!

It continues to astound me that people — especially men — are anti-abortion. Yeah, listen to them change the tune they’re whistling when they find out they’ve just planted a seed for the next generation and see how far and fast they run and disappear.

I’m a pro-choicer and would love to surgically remove all the rabid pro-lifers from the earth, like the kooky group that’s going to storm Washington, D.C., on the 22nd. Granted, I am not in favor of it as birth control — I believe that every woman has the right to go through it once as a “Get Out of Jail Free Card” because, let’s face it, birth control fails and I’m much more productive to society as a peon worker than as a welfare mom. Although it still burns my s’mores when I think about how many welfare bay-bays my tax dollars support, when I may never be fiscally sound enough to rear a family of my own. Ergh.

So today’s WaPo brings another flood of fury from me, Antiabortion Proposals Advance in Va.: House Committee Backs Parental Consent Bill, Ban on Late-Term Procedure.

No, no, no, no, NOOOOO!!!! Sorry, but my body is not property of the U.S. Government.

Two more stories left to pull together. I did the obligatory email to whatever committee Demure suggested. Now to pull what exists of these other stories together. She has some thoughts in my inbox about the stories, but honestly, I wanted no feedback — I only gave her this shit to prove that I was actually doing it. 🙂

Did I mention that it’s 58 degrees in my office and that cold air has been blowing directly on me nonstop for the past eight days that I’ve been here?

Tomorrow Mac Guy arrives. Woo hoo! I’ll probably finish my one story tomorrow and do some little crap. I cannot WAIT to stop thinking about this place 24/7 and get my damn social life back . …

As if giving up my entire weekend to do work on my shitty stories wasn’t good enough, I got an e-mail just now from Demure that indicated some frustration on her part that the stories are not in great shape. Further, for one story, she asked if I’d contacted (out there Person X) at (some division or another) on the Cybertechnology Committee for an interview. HUH?!?! They have known for THREE WEEKS what my stories were going to be, and not ONCE did they mention that this committee existed and that people could TALK to me about it?

They always do this to me. Always. Normally, I let it slide because I already had enough interviews, but I have told them for a week that I’ve been struggling and NEVER did I hear a suggestion about what to do to help myself. MOTHERFUCK!

So … my response:

Hi (Demure),

D.

She’s at the office, unfortunately. I’m going in, too — which means that I have officially shaved my legs for NOTHING. But maybe I’ll just be pissed off enough to finish this work, once and for all — migraine or not. And never am I sitting at home all weekend (on a holiday, no less) because of being behind at work. This was disgraceful. And for what? Do I see a promotion or a permanent raise? No, I will probably hear that I didn’t meet their expectations and will always remain a peon. That’s why I threw the jab in there that every other function other than my stupid stories were done. Shame on me for writing five stories and a sidebar. Shame on me for trying to go above and beyond, in addition to crisis control. Shame on me for not turning to Paxil or Prozac like everyone else there so that I can be a good little automaton.

But seriously, shame on me for not being able to really care. There’s a lot to be said about a mind-body connection to everything you do. If you’re leaving your heart at home every day — because it would be stomped on otherwise if it went into work with you — there is a major piece of yourself missing from everything you do. And that only results in an empty victory. So yeah, I will triumph (EVENTUALLY), but the satisfaction will be hollow.

I need to get out of there and follow the dreams that are in the pressure cooker. ‘Cause I’m going to explode, one way or another, and I’d like to channel my energy into a direction that will benefit, not harm, me and everyone standing within 100 yards.

1. Gave up on writing stories last night due to flaming migraine.

2. Wishing I had a private blog that nobody could read (although one can argue that I already have three that nobody reads).

3. Am offically burned out on work and wish I didn’t have to do work today.

4. Have decided I am the only Mac user with a manicure — these tiny keyboards make it very painful to have an attractive set of nails.

5. Tried to order cheesesticks, among other small things, online last night from Papa Johns. The website promptly told me that I can’t place an order without a pizza (even though I had spent more money than their average pizza costs). So I canceled the order.

6. Ended up ordering from Pizza Hut, which is a high-tech site that even accepts credit cards. I got confused when I typed in the wrong phone # and couldn’t get back to the ordering screen after correcting it, but it was otherwise fast, cheap and easy — like me! But their cheesesticks aren’t as good as Papa John’s.

7. Still blistering about Mac Guy (my new design guy for work) getting $1,200 for two days of work, and I get $500 extra for two weeks and an extra full-time job.

8. V. difficult to go to sleep once you’ve had a diet vanilla Coke, a diet cherry Coke and two diet Dr. Peppers. In a row.

9. Maddie will grudgingly eat peanut butter if it’s all that’s in her food dish. Watching her react to her dry little mouth is worth more than any movie ticket.

10. See Point #2, I have so many *real* thoughts swirling around in my head and nowhere to write them that the people who inspired them can’t see them.

11. I actually found myself agreeing with George “Dubya” today on his affirmative action stance. Never thought I’d see the day. I’ve learned that when people claim to want equality, they really want preferential treatment. I worked damn hard to get to college, and 10 times harder to pay for it myself. Don’t give my spot to somebody who qualifies for the sympathy vote.