Okay, first things first — can anyone tell me why the blog is looking screwy? (i.e., the sidebar is gone, and previous entries have evaporated)
And secondly, life is back to normal. I have enjoyed being away from my medicated employment establishment, although the coming weeks will be hell because of my time off. That’s OK — my boss, Pussy Demure (whom I might also call Ronald Reagan because she starts off every sentence with a confused, “Well …”) approached Shan sometime last week and inquired why I hadn’t been showing up at work. Shan reminded her that Demure herself had approved my vacation leave, and Demure was stunned. Unreal — and didn’t she think to, oh, I don’t know, call me if she thought I were on strike?
It’s good to be home, though, even though I have no real attachment to Alexandria or the general D.C. area. It’s just nice to be in my own bed, nice to have had a wonderful week with people who mean the world to me, and nice to now be in a city that isn’t 20 years behind the times. Tiff and I had a long conversation yesterday, and we marveled at how hard we have worked and continue to work on building our new lives in an unfamiliar setting. And we have done pretty well, despite countless trials that have oft left us wondering what the hell we were thinking when we left the comfort and affordability of Pittsburgh and the safety nets we had woven whilst there. But we have woven new nets, have brought new people into our lives and, sadly, have gravitated away from many whom we thought would be permanent fixtures. Neither of us really expects to stay in this area for more than a few years, but we really realize that, damn it, we rock and continue to do so. 🙂
And no entry reflecting on the past few months of my life would be complete without a reference to relationships, in whatever form they have taken. On that note, to close the Brat chapter, here is yet another song lyric to capture my mindset:
“I am only here for a little while
Would you like to take me out tonight
Maybe we could talk for a little while, baby
Don’t hold back, it’s time for a love affair
Take my hand, lead me to anywhere
Maybe there’s something in the air, baby.”
— Kylie Minogue, “Love Affair” —
It was good to have him to go home to. And after leaving him, it was nice to have a home to come back to that has nothing to do with him. I loved him so much for so long, and it’s both strange and comforting to be out of love these days. We are so right and so wrong for each other, all at the same time. But when all is said and done, we really do make for good friends, and I hope that is something we can retain, no matter where our paths may take us.
He is my ultimate Catch-22 — I take 10 steps forward but run back to him in a heartbeat. But I’m more realistic in my expectations of him as well, so there is nothing wrong with doing what we do best. 🙂 And now that I am home, sure, I want him to come down here and visit me, but I will also be on the lookout for that special person who can and will want to be everything to me … whoever that person may end up being.
What’s really strange is that while I enjoy being a hoe-biscuit, I have experienced these strange nesting instincts — perhaps it has come from all of my friends having babies. When I was at her house, Susan kept telling me that I need to be a mom, but I had to declare that while I enjoy her little girls, I am not sure that I should be having my own — at least, not yet, not with my crazy lifestyle. Children are cute when they’re pint-sized and sleep all day, like Chloe does. But what would I do with a little red screaming thing that will eventually learn to talk back? 😉
I have oodles of photos of Chloe and Courtney, but as the digital camera pooped out in the middle of California, I have to revert to the stone age and scan photos in. Dread! Too much work!
As I was leaving Susan’s house — to go sneak into Brat’s apartment across town — she said she loves her girls and her husband, but what she wouldn’t give to be me, climbing into my little sports car in search of one last wild night with my favorite boy toy. I kind of smiled and said, what I wouldn’t give to have someone coming home to me every night instead. Funny how we always want the opposite of what we have, even though we do in our hearts appreciate the way things are going for us. We really do make our own realities and our own miracles — just not at the same time or the same ages as our friends.
Closure: I finally removed my black underwear that somehow found its way onto my backseat when I left Brat last Sunday. That’s my life — a series of one-night-stands and heartache if I allow it to happen. I had sworn off boys for Lent, but well, it’s time to book the room in hell. 😉 But now that I am here in Alexandria, with a summer full of changes and adventures headed my way, I realize that I am finally ready for more. While holding Chloe and showing Courtney how to wear a watch, I realized that yeah, maybe I do want to have a kid before all is said and done. I’d love it if I could be married or in a serious relationship first, though, because it would help both emotionally and financially. But I also have a weird feeling that I will probably do it backward, just because that’s my luck. (Although I did threaten My Hero that I might end up chasing after him with a Dixie Cup and a turkey baster one of these years!)
What I have been lacking in my life, of late, is passion. I am overflowing with it, but I want someone who will basically ravage me during every available moment of my day. I’d like to be one of his top priorities, and I have never been that for anyone. But sadly, I could have been. I spent time with CTL during my vacation (those of you who’ve been around for the past year might remember that Brat, CTL and I were the original Bermuda Love Triangle), and even now — after all that has happened — he would still do anything for me, whether to help me or simply to make me happy. He is such a treasure. Yet I always felt/feel guilty because my attraction — and therefore my affections — always gravitated toward Brat. And sadly, one of CTL’s first questions to me was whether I keep in touch with Brat, and I admitted that we had seen each other over the weekend. He didn’t ask what we did, and for that, I was grateful. But he probably knew.
Every time I leave Pittsburgh, I become stronger. I become more fond of my new homeland, and I realize that sometimes, it’s OK to walk away from a situation you have done everything within your power to try to resolve yet will never truly be resolved. Had I stayed in Pittsburgh, Brat may never have grown to miss me, because I was always there, no matter how tense things were between us. And as for the Bermuda Love Triangle, it’s strange and it’s sad that, a year later, its complications still exist. The time and distance has been good for me, and it’s good to once again put that distance between the other points in the triangle. I love them both for very different reasons, and I will always maintain that if I could just meld them together, I’d have the perfect man. But I can’t, and that means that the perfect man must exist somewhere outside of Bermuda. 🙂 Where is he, and when can I meet him? 😉
Anyway, I lost an hour today, which means, according to Shan, that work comes creeping up on us an hour earlier than usual. Shit! I’m going to go scrub my butt and get outside to enjoy this sunshine! Hope y’all have a wonderful, albeit abbreviated, Sunday, and have a toast to yourself for making it through whatever trials have placed stress on your hearts. Tomorrow begins a new week, and here’s to hoping we all find or keep the loves we so richly deserve.
“Here in the moment I belong
In a waking dream
The night is young
But isn’t long
If you know what I mean
Oh it’s beautiful
The thought of what might be
Close your eyes so you can see
I am only here for a little while
Would you like to take me out tonight
Maybe we could talk for a little while, baby
Now we’ve only just begun
We’re running out of time
I don’t want to think about the sun
No not tonight
Oh it’s wonderful you being here with me
Close your eyes so you can see.”