My dreams have been so vivid lately. I figure, I’m up half the night, so the only time I do manage to sleep is in the early-morning hours. And I sleep so lightly that I can wake myself as I see fit.
Two strange dreams last night:
In one, I was running and falling through floors and was apparently trying to run away from something or someone. Not real sure what the scenario was, but I was aware that I was dreaming and decided to throw myself out of a third-story window so that I would wake up. And it worked.
In the other, I was in a bar (possibly Nation), but I don’t think I was rolling. I was with Shawn, Scott and Dave, and a bunch of others. I know Dave and I were talking and goofing around and being stupid, when out of nowhere, somebody pulled me away from him and said accusingly, “What are you doing talking to other men?” It was Brat, the one I’ve given up for dead, and I was pissed.
I told him that I am restricting my exposure to men to those who actually give a shit about me, and he clearly doesn’t fit the bill. He was stung, and he disappeared for awhile, but then we ran into each other again at some fund-raising activity (still at the bar), where we were being auctioned off as “dates” to raise money for the Pittsburgh AIDS Task Force (yes, in D.C., we were raising funds for the PATF. Something tells me I had something to do with the event’s organization).
So Brat and I were being auctioned off. He made a comment to me that I shouldn’t bid on him, because I have him already and that he’d always be mine. He said something cryptic that things were just about to get interesting with us. (WTF?! I’m surprised I could suspend my disbelief long enough to continue the dream.)
I wasn’t planning to bid on him, but I didn’t tell him that. I said OK — I was going to bid on Dave. I didn’t address the other comments.
Well, that I said I planned to bid on Dave infuriated Brat, so he grabbed me and kissed me. I pushed him away and kicked and clawed, but he wasn’t letting me go. We fought mercilessly, and finally, I gave in. I remember telling myself to not enjoy it, to just go with the flow until he got bored and left again. But I did enjoy it. I felt weird and warm and all right in his arms. We spent the remainder of the night at the bar, practically clinging to each other.
At the end of the night (it was daybreak when we walked out of the club), he hugged me and said, “Call me when you get to Pittsburgh. I’ll be waiting for you.” And Dave appeared and said, “Quit fucking with her head. She deserves somebody better than you.” And he put his arm around me and led me away. He and Shawn and Scott threatened to beat me senseless if I ever dialed his number again.
And then I awoke.
The dream felt real, and indeed, has been replaying in my mind all day.
The symbolism was intense. I am, in fact, trying to get to Pittsburgh this coming weekend (schedule permitting), and I had no plans to contact him ever again. And the three friends in the dream probably would beat me senseless for falling into the same trap that keeps catching me every time. And I did love being with him in the dream, but it’s more that he represented somebody for me to hold onto — maybe just not that I want it to be him, because I can’t hold onto him. But it made me wonder what it is that I was missing out on while he had his hold on me.
I’m not doing (further) dream interpretation today, because this one would have me on the therapist’s couch for hours!