Caterwauling

This one’s gonna be short and choppy .. I have a headache.

* Got a call from the print shop with a minor crisis around 7:30 tonight. Fixed it.

* Just got another call (9:45 p.m.) — I let it hit voice mail. My workdays should not start at 9 a.m. and go till infinity.

* Digested my review. Something tells me that Demure was projecting a whole lot of shit onto me that really has little to do with me. I got a bunch of good comments in there, like about having to socialize more: “I feel comfortable asking any of my colleagues for assistance. They are approachable. They find me approachable. When I see people ‘socializing’ in the hallways, I think they’re lazy and don’t have enough work to do. I do not want to be perceived as such.”

* Got an e-mail from one of my old friends, forwarded from an old friend who’s looking for me. I’m not sure how I feel about this. On one hand, it’s nice to know that people still care about me, long after we’ve fallen out of touch. On the other hand, this friend knows how to get in touch with me and hasn’t used the information in a few months. I’ve grown accustomed to people suddenly wanting to get in touch with people because they need something. I have a hard time keeping up with my friends as it is … I don’t know how to keep up with even MORE people. That we fell out of touch in the first place is probably an indicator that, even if we started communicating again, we’d go right back into nothingness soon after.

* I feel terrible about missing Susan’s graduation (she’s getting her MBA!) tomorrow, but work is obviously demanding me to be running around like a nutcase this weekend. And not to mention, I am drained. Officially fucking wasted.

* The diet has gone to hell on the short bus. 🙂 Grabbed a huge container of mint M&Ms ice cream tonight and just enjoyed a whole bunch of it. I figure, I’ve been living on salads and meat and cheese, and not a damn thing has been happening. Fuck it, I’m cranky and ice cream is my only cure.

* A friend of mine is moving this weekend, and she’s beyond broke till payday on July 7, so Shan and I decided to put together a basket of foodstuffs for her. While I was getting my ice cream, I bought a gift certificate to Safeway for her, to add to the basket. She is moving into the complex I will be inhabiting come August, and there is a Safeway within walking distance of our abodes. Shan and I know altogether too well what it’s like to be poor and have empty cupboards, so we know she will enjoy having this little housewarming gift from us. 🙂 There are some people in life who really need a helping hand and who will never ask. Those same people appreciate any gesture you can make, and while even we can’t do all that much, we just want to let her know that we are here for her. She is a lovely woman who works really hard and doesn’t get much in return, so we’re going to change that.

* My instincts have been sharper than ever lately. I am going to start putting my faith into them more. They’ve rarely failed me. For the fact that I feel kind of good (minus the kickass migraine), I know I must be on the right path to something … only I just don’t know what that something is, but I intend to find out.

* I need to start freelancing to make some cash and to get some satisfaction from work. I’m a writer who suddenly hates writing. I need to change this — I need to fall in love with my work again.

I’m going to bed. All this thinking has hurt my brain even more!

… and apparently, every employer I’ve ever had thinks I have an attitude.

This is no surprise.

I took the review with a grain of salt (and a shot of tequila). I just don’t understand how I get a “meets expectations” when I go above and beyond the call of duty every month, yet a handful of others produce no results whatsoever and still get the same rating I do.

Things were contradictory — that I am verbal about my thoughts, but I have poor communication skills. That I need to socialize with other staff more but I have a lot of last-minute crises when called away from my work to attend meetings and luncheons.That I get angry and annoyed by the meetings and administrative tasks but that I offer too many suggestions for improving the association when I should be prioritizing the production of the paper. That I get defensive and supposedly offer excuses when criticized, but I don’t share information when asked questions.

I defended everything (yeah, there I go being defensive again) and decided that if my style of work is more important than the outcomes I produce, I am as usual in the wrong job and should be working for myself.

I can’t win, but at least I got my raise. And I hope to not be around for next year’s review, so in the end, this too will be a faded memory.

1. How are you planning to spend the summer [winter]?

Moving. Like, it seems, I spend every summer doing. Can it be any hotter? And as far as winter, I expect I will be poor and sitting around playing with myself.

2. What was your first summer job?

I believe it was a blow job. 🙂 And I was a camp counselor when I was 15.

3. If you could go anywhere this summer [winter], where would you go?

Aruba. Might as well dream big!

4. What was your worst vacation ever?

I don’t take vacations. Unless you count the horrendously hot drive to Pittsburgh that I make on a quarterly basis. I prefer when someone else is driving. And my so-called escapes usually involve me running the wheels off of my car, trying to see everyone I promised to see. I look forward to taking a vacation that actually involves me being on vacation!

5. What was your best vacation ever?

The trips I take into my mind are usually the most productive. 🙂