Caterwauling

And this is good news.

Trust me on this.

And don’t worry … no rabbits died during this process.

When one is on the Atkins diet, one is encouraged to use Ketostix to measure ketosis (i.e., fat-burning). Just a few minutes ago, I finally, finally saw the first trace of pink, which means that the burning process has begun. w00t!!!

Granted, I’ve got a LOOONG way to go till the stick turns purple, but hey, this is progress. I’ve been tired of seeing the stick remain beige, which means that nothing is going on. But this, my friends, is that little bit of encouragement that I’ve needed all week. Perhaps it was my dinner-on-the-road — acquired somewhere north of Baltimore at 11 p.m. — of a bunless hot dog, string cheese, a beef stick and a handful of cashews, that kick-started the process (yay for disgusting gas-station food!), but I’m a happy girl. I know I won’t sleep tonight (as usual), but I will definitely be happy as I lie awake and swelter.

1. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to do, but never have?

Fall in love. New subject. 🙂

2. When someone asks your opinion about a new haircut/outfit/etc, are you always honest?

Mostly. I won’t say “Sweet Jesus, where’s the Wide Load sign?” — but I will suggest that perhaps a different cut or color or length would be more flattering, when talking about clothes. Hair is a sensitive subject for me, so I go to great lengths to avoid talking about it. And I rarely ask for feedback on my own appearance.

3. Have you ever found out something about a friend and then wished you hadn’t? What happened?

Yes, but no. Whenever I find out something disturbing or that could be construed as TMI, I have to deal with it myself (i.e., if someone is drinking too much or doing drugs or being self-destructive or abusive toward someone), I just have to face my own experiences, memories, prejudices, whatever before I can truly be a strong shoulder for that friend. And no matter what, everybody needs someone who can listen to them without judging them.

I’ve had experience chatting with folks who are interested in the same person I was interested in, and it hurt like hell on the occasions when I was at the far end of the triangle. But I’ve got this incredible ability to spring back and help my friends, even at the expense of my own feelings. In one situation, I was told, “My god, you’re resilient.” This was coming from the guy I was interested in who wanted one of my friends (how dare he! hee hee). Don’t get me wrong, I was aching inside, but I didn’t show him that. And I did get over it, because it obviously wasn’t meant to be because we haven’t spoken in years, but not because of that. Our friendship did grow stronger after all the revelations, which was probably as much of a benefit of having him as something more.

I did give up on a friend a few years back who was self-destructing and hurting people in her path. I stuck around for a long time, trying to listen, to reason with her. But to no avail. She became a complete drain on my capacity to love someone unconditionally, because every conversation revolved around her. I could be bleeding from the head, but her problems were always more important. So I quit answering the phone when she called. She finally got the hint and found other people to dump on.

On the flip side, just as that situation was ending, I was entering a time when I had to make the hardest decision of my life. And I lost some friends because of this decision I made that they didn’t agree with. But that’s OK … obviously they weren’t good friends to begin with, and I don’t need people who can’t love me, no matter what I do.

4. If you could live in any fictional world (from a book/movie/game/etc.) which would it be and why?

I am the heroine of my own tragic romance novels, I swear. That’s part of why I started writing books — I enjoyed reading all kinds of literature, but I didn’t see any genres really, truly aimed at me. So I created my own. I suppose I am the main character, and although the book life is not the life I’d necesarily pick for myself, it has made for some interesting fantasies in my mind as I try to lay down the plotline. The bottom line is, writing these stories is like self-medication — I draw on my own experiences and write them the way I wish they could have happened.

5. What’s one talent/skill you don’t have but always wanted?

I want to be able to sing or play bass guitar. Or both. I don’t know — music is the touchstone of my life, next to writing. In fact, all of my books revolve around the music industry (I’ve always wanted to be a music publicist), and my chapters oftentimes begin with song lyrics. At one point, I was feeling ambitious and wrote dozens of my own songs (ages 10-16), and maybe three of them are actually decent “power ballads” that reflected my love of glam metal ballads at the time. 😉

I am more than happy ingesting no more than 20 carbs a day, but a nasty, temporary side effect is a dull headache and *blah* feeling. Last time I did this eating plan, the headache went away within 10 days … but in 10 days, I will leave diet hell and enter PMS hell, so I will be evil for the rest of the month. Stay back at least 10 feet and you won’t get hurt! 😉

I’m playing hooky today, not that I’ve managed to get any real work done this week. I was an emotional trainwreck, for some strange reason, but today I feel good. I took NyQuil and finally got to sleep at about 2 a.m. Perhaps my insomnia was caused not only by my overactive mind, but also by the heat. I need to sleep with a blanket, no matter whether my room feels like it was plopped in the middle of the Sahara. And if the blanket isn’t covering my shoulders, feet and ears, I don’t feel right. I’ve been too cheap to turn on the A/C, but perhaps I may have to reconsider my stance on the cost of comfort. And soon!

I still haven’t gotten to the gym, but Shawn is indeed threatening that he will drag me kicking and screaming to the fitness club, whether I want to go or not. And I know I’ll feel better once I go. I thought I would go this morning, but I (deservedly) slept late and need to start getting ready to go do some volunteer work this afternoon.

Mad props to Tiff for putting up the first of several pages for Ribbon of Promise’s D.C. Chapter, just in time for today’s volunteer activities. Shan and John and I are going to be in Perrysville, Md., talking to parent groups about working to prevent school violence. My joke is that I’ll do ANYTHING to take a day off of work, but it will be good to meet these parents and educators, who want to start an ROP chapter in their neighborhood. I’m kind of excited … it’s amazing to do work that makes a difference, and despite the fact that I have to wear a suit on my day off, I’m looking forward to helping kids to have a better school experience than I did.

Speaking of fulfilling vocations, I’ve really been giving a lot of thought to my book series — the one I started writing when I was 14. It’s been 15 years, and I’m closer to being ready to write the books, but time and a crappy computer seem to be getting in my way. And although I’ve been pretty set on my character names for ages, the problem with such a lapse of time is that I have now met people with the names I had chosen, and I no longer like the names because the people’s faces come into my head when I write. And I hate that. It’s like the old joke that, if you wait too long to have children, you don’t know what to name them because every name you come up with belongs to someone you can’t stand. 🙂 I mean, shit, I am thinking about changing the central character’s name, if you can believe that! She holds the entire plot together, throughout the six-book series, and I can’t even speak her name right now without experiencing a slight rise in blood pressure. No wonder I haven’t made any notes on the series in ages!

News on the dating front: cloudy. I got a message from someone on Friendster that I haven’t responded to. It’s from a 21-year-old married male. I should take these young guys while I still can … I had a “Sex and the City” moment recently, when I realized that I am now at the age where guys my age are looking for younger women. I’ve read studies on how men over 30 are starting to think about having kids, so they want women who are in their early- to mid-20s because they are in their childbearing prime and are young enough to almost guarantee that they will have more than one child. Funny, most of the people I’ve dated hated the idea of having kids, but maybe they just specifically didn’t want a psychotic Little Dawn running around. 🙂 At any rate, my own dream is to have one or two before I turn 34, but a la SATC, I will probably be hanging around with my friends, single and chatting over croissants about our unstable love lives. 🙂 Which should make for a good five years’ worth of blogging, if nothing else! 😉

I am one cranky bitch when I’m deprived of sweets and other disgustingly great foods that I love.

I’m officially on Atkins as of today, although I kept carbs to a minimum for the previous few days. Props to Bill for the cheerleading, although I may need for him to beat me into submission should a weak moment hit that sends me to the ice cream aisle in this fucking sweltering Northern Virginia humidity. 😉

Thanks to everyone who commented on my previous post. Although I said a lot of what was on my mind and had no problem saying it, it’s strange to read my own words (which I did a thousand times). I find it amazing that I can share such intimate things with thousands of readers, but I can’t look someone in the eye, one-on-one, and share these thoughts. How many times I wanted to say to (insert random person from the past here) that they really meant something to me and that I’d like for them to want me for more than just a night (or an hour. …). How many times I wanted to say to (insert random fuck buddy here) that gee, I’m going to fake an orgasm and crawl out as soon as you fall asleep.

I spoke at length about “upgrading,” but what I didn’t disclose was that I knew what I was doing when I was going for the models that were simply *on sale.* I knew the ones who wouldn’t call or come around again. I walked straight into those mousetraps with my eyes wide open. And I walked out the same way.

A part of me wonders if it will always be like this for me … whether I can’t *get* anybody good. But friends throughout the years have pointed me toward people with great potential. And a certain impatience on my part went for those guys immediately, dragging them into bed before they could say their last names. 😉

So today, in a MUCH shorter entry than yesterday (LOL), I pledge to not necessarily try to grow back my hymen, but to date and have fun and enjoy all the boys (whether they like girls or not) for the fun and fabulous human beings that they are. And to continue learning about what I want and don’t want in a partner. I have a pretty good idea of what I want, and I don’t have to settle for less, nor do I have to move any faster than I am comfortable doing. I believe in kismet … and if things are meant to be, they will happen, and if they’re not, they will happen another way that is probably even better than I ever could have envisioned.

Of course, y’all can all make the argument that I’m only chaste right now ’cause I don’t have any offers. ROFL. Can’t disagree with logic, there, can we? 😉

But for the first time in a long time, I feel good. I really do. Perhaps, in line with the pulsating thunderstorm we had here tonight, my raging torrent of emotions have run their course. And Jimmy, thanks for keeping my secrets safe. You’re a doll!

On a lighter note

And I mean physically lighter. Bill sent me these great Atkins-related links, which I wanted to share with those who want to join the bandwagon!

Atkins.com

More Atkins

Official carb counter

Low-carb recipes

Discussion board

I’ve got lots of high-carb food here that I can’t eat. Food drive, anyone? 🙂

Warning: TMI ahead. You must be at least five feet tall to read. Not for the faint of heart or for those who certainly have better things to do. 😉

Some readers have commented that I sound like I’m “easy” when I write my blog. I believe the word “‘ho” might have arisen at one point, although playfully. 😉 And the thing is, I can’t exactly argue with an impression like that, because it’s been a reality for too long for me to even try to deny it.

I know, I talk about sucking and fucking and licking and sticking and dicking and all kinds of other wholesome subjects in this weblog. And because I haven’t heard any complaints, I keep on doing it. But Jimmy said something today that made me think — he said that if he were dating me and reading my blog, he’d be counting on scoring with me pretty damn easily. And for the most part, he’d be right. 😉

I haven’t slept with (m)any of my readers, but yeah, I suppose I give the impression that I’m always hot to trot. ‘Cause I am.

But perhaps I am now giving a false impression. Or, at least, an outdated one.

Not long ago, we all had a debate over at Jimmy’s site about relationships gone bad, and I gave what I thought was good advice … read: advice I need to learn to follow. After realizing that all of us with failed relationships have one common denominator — ourselves — we need to figure out how to not let things go bad the next time we manage to snag someone — especially someone we’d like to keep in our lives for a significant period of time. 😉 My advice was to think of it in terms of switching from a PC to a Mac — if you want quality, you have to upgrade. Meaning, leave the losers behind and find someone more worthy of your time.

Tiff lovingly reminds me that my history can only be improved upon, and that I might just have started making better decisions. 😉 And she’s right. It’s easy to get laid, and I’ve taken the easy route one too many times — especially when I’m down on myself or frustrated, having cheap meaningless sex was always a quick Band-Aid for me. But something in me changed after my last one-nighter in March/April with the ex (Brat, for those who’ve been around that long). While I had fun, I closed a chapter that day and decided to stop haphazardly bandaging wounds that need stitches. I decided that it was time for a serious upgrade.

Which means that I will have to make a serious investment. So I strapped on the chastity belt and bought a fresh pack of batteries. I went on dates and went home alone. And while that was against my very nature (it’s almost a reflex, really, to give a guy a pearl necklace on the first date. Hee hee), it was good for me to keep the family jewels hidden in the armoire. I figure that maybe I’ll attract better men if I didn’t sleep with everyone in sight. And in the meantime, I enjoy getting to know — really know — people on a variety of levels. You can easily hide when you’re in a darkened room, a bedsheet and a condom. You can’t hide in a well-lit quiet area when I’m trying to get inside your head to see what makes you tick. You can’t hide from me unless you run away, and even then, I know why you did it. The problem is, I just don’t know how to keep you from leaving. So I don’t.

When I say upgrade, I don’t necessarily mean that I’m looking for someone with a better income/apartment/job than the last one. I’m looking for someone who cares, someone who calls, someone who’s expressive and fascinating and spontaneous and stable. Someone who gives a shit when I pull away, like I always do. I tend to take a step away to see if the guy has any interest in keeping me close by. I’m looking for someone who fills up my heart more than his predecessor. It’s not difficult to get inside my heart, but I tend to let go quickly if there’s no reason to hold on.

Jimmy and I had some discussion today about my blog image — that anyone who catches the sex that sometimes oozes off the screen would naturally have certain expectations of me in person. My knee-jerk response, in my mind, was, “Well, if they’re lucky. …” But my secondary response was more real, more accurate. Maybe I talk and think the way I do because 1.) I really am terminally aroused, and/or 2.) I’m afraid. I am terrified of feelings that I may never really have experienced before. I am afraid of revealing too much about what really goes on inside my head sometimes. Talking about sex — and actually having it — is the easy part. Feeling somebody in my heart and admitting to myself that I don’t want them to go away is another matter entirely.

So I don’t know when it’s going to happen, but I’m willing to take my OS out of “Classic” mode and make the full upgrade to “Jaguar.” And consider this another commitment to myself — to be discriminant and ready to jump back into the dating pool. Well, maybe jump is the wrong term, in favor of wading. I need to work my way through the shallow waters and cast aside the pond scum so that I can find something and someone as truly deep as I can handle. And I’m a handful to deal with, myself. I love matching wits and fighting the good fight.

I know I posted this here ages ago, but I was once told that the one who keeps me will be the one who tames me. I never thought I could be tamed, but these days, the tiger in me might just consider becoming less wild. I just want to make sure that the one who does manage to catch me will want to make me stay.

Until then, faithful readers, more cock talk may be coming! 😉

I just came home to find my gym membership card, and it’s lost. My goal is to get to the gym at least once this week, but without the card, I now have an excuse not to go. 🙂 (Oops, shit, I found it.) Perhaps I will sneak out of work on time and actually go spend a half hour on the stairmaster. It’s just too bad that we can’t smoke in there. 😉

There’s a weird smell coming from the dryer in the kitchen (which doesn’t even work). Cat’s alive, roommate’s alive, I’m sort of alive, so it’s not a dead body, but it sure smells like one. Gaah. Almost made me want to throw up my nice lunch salad!

In other news, I MADE BUDGET!!! And I had a few dollars to spare, so I will be padding some of my figures. I’m quite excited about this — just goes to show that I can, in fact, make things happen the way I want them to. Now if only I could get my love life and my body into such fabulous shape! (It just isn’t fair that one is nonexistent and the other has way too much to spare. Heh.)

Finding the right lipstick is the greatest heaven I’ve experienced (this week, anyway). Spending two hours shopping for essentials in Wallyworld, however, is not, but coming home with the right shade, ironically called Dawn Till Dusk, takes some of the sting out of walking among the illiterate and undead. Although, you can argue that I do THAT all day at the Veggie Patch!

Haven’t been hungry much during the past few days, which made it a perfect time to start watching what I put into my mouth. (Stop tittering, you lil pervs!) While I find myself lacking any source of human-produced protein substances, perhaps Bill‘s encouragement to go strictly Atkins is the way to go. Although, damn it, I had pasta for dinner 10 minutes ago. He’s right, though — the only time in my life I’ve ever had a diet that worked was when I went for the fabulous combo of meat, cheese and leafy veggies, a la Atkins. That and when I was anorexic in my late teens (which you’d never be able to tell by looking at me — I went the WAY opposite direction after that!).

Food has always been my enemy. That and cigarettes, but food and I have always had an adversarial relationship. When life sucks, I eat. When I’m happy, I celebrate with food. When I’m among friends, I eat. When I’m alone, I eat. And never good stuff. Always sugar, to remind me that life can be sweet, or salt. A friend of mine tried to commit suicide in college — her doctors gave her salt pills to keep her moods elevated. So when I become dark and moody, I grab the potato chips. Hell, I’ve been known to eat salt by the handful.

So now that I’m 29, it’s time to start correcting the way of life that has been my security blanket for nearly three decades. When you had a stepfather who would smack you across the face (when your mother wasn’t in the room) if you didn’t finish your meals, you learn to practically lick your plate clean. So stuffing myself silly became a way to stay out of harm’s way, and all these years later, I’m only now realizing how that fuckhead traumatized me, in so many ways, but particularly with food.

I told Bill I’m going to ease into the Atkins — maybe do Atkins Lite for awhile. But maybe I shouldn’t — I know people criticize the unhealthfulness (is that a word?) of the foods the diet recommends (i.e., high in protein, no worrying about fat or calories) as well as the rapidity (another made-up word?) of the weight loss (meaning you can’t keep it off), but perhaps the key to my happiness is an image adjustment. Whenever I can’t get ahead at work of if someone of the opposite sex isn’t interested in me, I always blame it on my appearance (rather than on my innate ability to scare the hell out of folks!). But no more. I long to catch their eyes and just scare the hell out of them with my personality, not with my looks too! 😉

LOL.

Bill linked to an article on how retailers are catching on to the Atkins-friendly crowd and are stocking up on low-carb items. It’s about time! Last time I went on Atkins (to lose 30 pounds — successfully — to fit into a formal dress in 2000), I was living on cheese cubes, burgers, frozen steak products and lettuce. Gaah! I’m looking forward to more of an appealing food selection this time around!

On a more serious note, I opted not to officially join the biggest losers in the blogosphere due to a discomfort with e-mailing *actual* numbers (not like I even know them — scales are bad!!!) to the moderator, but I am certainly cheering on Dave and the rest of the crew who are fearlessly joining and charting their progress. Personally, I’m approaching my task from a more emotional standpoint (because approaching it from a physical standpoint would actually require me using my expensive gym membership!). But once Shawn gets his membership, I know he will come to my house and drag me to the gym for my own good.

And maybe that’s what I’ve needed to happen all along. Even though I’ve shown boatloads of initiatives in so many aspects of my life, I’ve found that in love and in exercise and in amusement park rides, I need somebody there, not only holding my hand, but also yanking it forward. And I never regret it — I always admit afterward that I would’ve regretted not taking the plunge.

So here I stand (okay, sit), on the precipice of perhaps one of the only commitments in life I’ve ever made — the commitment to my health. So wish me luck, friends, and anyone else out there doing or trying to do the Atkins diet, leave a comment and give a gal some tips and encouragement!!!

Update

Okay, so I weighed in. I doubt I’ll be making the most progress, but I’m not in it for the competition — just the accountability and moral support. I’m certain my competitive spirit will flare up (as it always does) — I hate to be outdone! 😉

Dawn till dusk indeed

And dusk till dawn. Insomnia plagues me again. Sandman, where are you?

OK, I just need to squeeze another $6K outta my budget. It’s just under half a million — not bad for the little paper that could, eh?

The paper is presently the No. 1 member benefit (as well as the ONLY benefit, as perceived by most members). I’ve bartered to run 40 pages eight times a year; 64 pages four times a year. Funny, but I’ve been running the issues 52-64 pages each MONTH with moderate effort. 40 is going to be a cakewalk! Unfortunately, that means I can’t justify hiring someone full-time to help me. Dagnabbit.

After the misery and tension of fighting with my budget, I realize more than ever that I can’t stay at this job, not as long as we pay our Ad Angel 20 percent commission plus salary; not when we pay one useless consultant and her useless husband $10K/month to do next to nothing (other than antagonize in-house staff). And Demure just reminded me of our painful weekly meeting tomorrow. My lunch of tortilla soup and salad is churning in my stomach.

Speaking of cutting things out of my life …

Diet is going fine. The ground rules are simple, really:

1. Avoid carbs whenever possible. But if I want something with carbs (i.e., waffles), I can have it in moderation.

2. Avoid sweets as much as possible. But if I must have said waffles (see No. 1), I have to use light syrup.

3. Drink H2O or diet pop. Note to self: Find Diet Cherry Coke and Diet Dr. Pepper.

4. Continue parking far away from entrances and running steps in favor of elevators/escalators.

5. Don’t kill anyone. If I must have ice cream or throttle someone who deserves it, fantasize about the throttling and then go buy a pint of B&J’s.

Must go finish budget. Damn it all to hell. My goal is $468K — although it will probably be MUCH easier (and quicker!) to lose than the #&%$ amount I have to lose on this friggin’ diet!

Thank you, dear Sandman, for finally throwing me a line and letting me have some much-needed shut-eye last night. O Blessed Be the Nyquil on my nightstand. 🙂 Why didn’t I think of that two days ago??!?!

“Out of Order” was brilliant last night. I am finding myself strangely turned on my Eric Stoltz, and I identify with the character Danni, his friend/lover/lifeline. I want that excitement, that magic, that heart-thumping passion and boiling kettle pot of desire. I swear, when the show ends, I bask in my own little afterglow. 😉

Thanks to my friends, readers, countrymen who’ve noticed my recent “she’s just not herself” moments. I have some brilliant literature documenting the unraveling posted elsewhere, but suffice it to say that I’m back to feeling like myself. For the most part, anyway. The heart never does what you tell it to, but I’ll beat it into submission, one way or another. 🙂

If you haven’t bought Jewel’s new album, do it. Now.

And because I’m feeling pretty good, I’m going to give you the song that’s actually put a spring in my step this morning: Run 2 U.mp3

I can’t concentrate on anything. Slept all of one hour, if that. Lolled around in bed till 8:36 a.m. — I was wide awake but absolutely uninterested in putting my feet on the floor. Seems to be a recurrent theme in my life, actually — dreaming in favor of doing.

Started off my day more healthily than usual. Didn’t even smoke (although I had a few at 4 a.m.). Maybe I’ll even try to get to the gym this week, although putting on workout clothes is an effort in and of itself, and a depressing one at that. 😉

Update

Stayed fairly Atkins-friendly today — ended up with a Southwestern Caesar salad from McWendy’s for lunch. Dinner is going to be an obstacle, but am thinking of sleeping through it. Actually managed to drink the 64 oz. of water that we’re supposed to ingest each day, but am thinking of substituting vodka for the remainder of the night. No carbs!

Will try to give up smoking (again!) after the summer is over. I’m not giving up sweets AND my Camel Lights. But once Shawn gets his membership to the Fitness Club From Hell, I may have to cut down — those two steep flights of steps to get up to the workout floor are a killer. For now, I’m just running the steps at work, parking farther from the entrance than normal and am running upstairs to go to the bathroom instead of going down the hall. Besides, I have to pass by the offices of people I completely loathe if I stay on my floor, so I rather like running upstairs out of harm’s way — it’s like the Bermuda fucking triangle, trying to run past the offices of my vicious floormates. Consider it exercise if you must — I call it peace of mind.

By giving up sweets, I will also be missing out on a summer full of threesomes — with my good buds Ben and Jerry. But maybe I should just give up men in general, while I’m at it — lord knows they’ve done nothing but cause me grief these past few weeks (months, years, decade, etc.)! 🙂