Caterwauling

So here are a few to enjoy because I ain’t got nothin’ original to say today! 🙂

Note: This one’s for John.

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An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, “I want coffee.” The waiter says, “Sure chief, coming right up.”

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “I want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto. We’re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway”?

“I’m in training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit and disappear for rest of the day.”

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An airline’s passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super.”

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”

The passenger calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.”

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch!”

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A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,”Yum! I smell maple syrup!” The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says “Yum! I smell honey!”

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can’t because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, “Geez, all I can smell is …”

Scroll down…….

“MOLASSES.”

Good stuff: Insurance issue solved. Some major paperwork at the Veggie Patch solved. Two major freelance bills paid.

Bad stuff: Accidentally deleted a folder from our network. Didn’t know for days because I can’t access the network from my computer. Put in a work order to have it restored. I actually needed that info today for my paperwork, so I committed some slight fraud on federal forms. Whoopsie. 😉

Ya gotta love the weather down here. It went from dog-breath hot to nipple-hard-on cold. And the mornings roll in with a low of 42 degrees, but it’s damn near 80 degrees outside right now.

There are mice running around the building at work. We were just notified to report any sightings of rat tails or mouse droppings. Should I report all the human rats I have to deal with altogether too frequently?

This one’s for Tink.

Everyone knows that Maddie is my beautiful and brilliant cat and that Kadi, well, she’s lucky she’s cute or she’d be in trouble. 😉

I told you a few days ago how Kadi rammed her head into the sliding glass door, trying to catch my black-and-purple bat garland I was working with outside. Well, yesterday, I was outside playing with garland again, and ol’ Short Bus Cat was hot on the case, trying to get this garland. This time, though, she was trying to bust through the screen to get the shiny, crinkly stuff dangling from my hands. Dumbshit jumped up and threw her claws into the screen, and she got stuck up in the air for a few minutes — she was afraid to let go and had this delicious look of terror on her puss. Heh. I was amused.

Tonight, I was in the bathroom (grabbed Taco Hell on the way home from work — you decide why I was on my human litterbox — *giggle*), and of course the furry fuckers had to play at my feet the whole time. Shit, they have a whole apartment to dance around, but as soon as my scandalous guchies go around my ankles, these two think they’re invited to puss-fest. *shudder*

At any rate, the kitties started fighting, and the bathroom door ended up closed. I know for a fact that Maddie knows how to open the door, and as Kadi tried desperately to pull the door open, Maddie sat there looking so smug. It’s almost like Kadi looked imploringly at her for assistance, but Maddie wasn’t budging. In fact, while Kadi was preoccupied with the door, Maddie took that opportunity to get a running start and jump right on her (see an 18-pound cat jump on a 3-pound cat and you WILL laugh your ass off!).

Kadi then lost interest in the door and chased Maddie’s tail, even though Maddie wasn’t moving her pudgy ass anywhere. Finally, Kadi jumped into her haven — the bathtub. Once she was out of sight, Maddie jumped up and pulled the door open and sauntered out, hiding a smile behind her whiskers.

Sometimes having feline company while you’re on the throne ain’t so bad, especially when you see your favorite cat win the battle. Although, arguably, it doesn’t take a genius to outsmart Kadi. 😉

After spending half the day waiting for my *new* insurance rep to call me, I called someone else.

Initially, I was informed that I can’t have my policy renewed, because it’s been canceled for two months. It could only be renewed if it were within 30 days, which blows because I didn’t KNOW until yesterday that my car insurance was gone without my consent.

I can, of course, and WILL at this point, go with another insurance provider, but I will be a higher risk — and therefore have to pay a higher fee — because I’VE HAD NO INSURANCE COVERAGE FOR MORE THAN TWO MONTHS.

Oh, I’m sure you know you can’t get your car inspected without insurance coverage. And don’t forget the DMV’s Uninsured Motorist Fee during lapsed months.

I called both my old agent and my new agent and went apeshit. In fact, while I was on with my OLD agent (who told me I’m pretty much SOL and it’s my own fault), the NEW agent called someone else in that office, who said that my coverage is good until tomorrow.

So together, my new agent and I called Insurance Company’s Big Headquarters, and that office confirmed that I’m covered through tomorrow.

My colleague insists that the sudden change in tune on the part of Insurance Company could be my simple, firm, “Fine, if I’ve been canceled, then send my refund, because I pre-paid for months my policy was supposedly expired.” Heh. Suddenly, they say I’ve had coverage all along. Ah, the sweet threat of making them part with money works every time! 😉

So, I’ve had knots in my stomach and shoulders all fucking day. And I will have a new policy — with a new carrier — tomorow. Hurrah.

I can’t take any more bullshit. I really can’t. Some area of my life needs to go smoothly, ’cause my sense of humor has been severely tested during the past three months (moving, surgery, hospital hell, insurance, etc.).

God, I need to get laid.

Well, this is priceless.

I recommended that my mom go with my car insurance company because it’s got the best prices around. So she met with my old agent yesterday, and she was pleased and signed with them immediately.

The bad news is that she was told that Insurance Company canceled my policy on Aug. 7. Yes, canceled. As in, “Oh, sorry you’re driving 495, 395 and 95 and nearly lose your life every day because of moronic drivers, but you’re not covered.”

*Scream*

I called Insurance Company’s Richmond headquarters to pitch a bitch. Apparently, my policy was canceled because I moved out of Pittsburgh. I said, look, that’s nice and all, but they’ve been sending my bills down here for the past year-plus, and nobody EVER indicated that my policy was invalid once I left Pennsylvania. Not to mention, but I NEVER RECEIVED CORRESPONDENCE TO THIS EFFECT. All I got was a letter last week to tell me that my renter’s insurance was canceled … nobody ever said word one about the car insurance.

The gal at the Richmond office noted that I don’t have any pending claims. I snarked, “Well thank GOD — who’da thought that my insurance company decided not to insure me even though I’ve PAID them to!”

She told me to find a local rep. I told her to pick a fucking name out of a hat and give me a phone number. So I called a local agent and just left a message. Sweet jesus on a pogo stick. It’s pretty bad that I wouldn’t have even KNOWN I wasn’t insured, had not my old agent told my MOM that my policy went buh-byes.

And it’s not even that I want to reward their bad behavior, but at least my VIN and all that pesky detailed information is in their system. I hate details. Hate ’em with a passion. I want them to punch in my old account number and send me a bill. Cripes — how rare is it that you WANT to spend money with a company and they REFUSE it?!?!

Came home today to find that the kitties had shat in five places. Yes, shat. As in, took big whopping dumps in several spots around the apartment. Furry fuckers!

What was interesting is that one of them shat straight into the litter scoop — there were chunks in it, waiting for me to dump them. How considerate of them. The rest of the chunks were not at all chunks but instead the runs. *shudder*

It’s all cleaned up now, and I not only gave them fresh litter (instead of scooping it at my leisure), but I just threw out the two existing litterboxes and replaced it with one fresh one. Both have already taken a ceremonial dump in the new box, just to show me their pleasure and gratitude.

I’ve been awake since before 5 a.m., and it wasn’t even a cat-induced shoot-up-out-of-bed-because-Kadi-is-destroying-something occurrence! (She’s in her cage right now, BTW.)

Of course, when I tried to go back to bed, she ensured that my slumber was permanently interrupted, as she knocked over the coffee pot and got stuck in the blinds again. 🙂

I started to wrap purple lights around my balcony railing yesterday; I might finish it if I ever get around to it (I’ve been having an attention-span problem lately — there ain’t nothin’ done around here!). I bought some garland for outside, too, but it wasn’t long enough (Aside to my female and gay male readers: Ain’t that usually the case? Sheesh!) and couldn’t find any similar strands, so I brought it in the house, defeated. But when I was outside, I decided to torment Kadi by dangling it above her head (she was inside). Dumbshit thought she could catch it, and she rammed her head against the glass, trying to jump for it. *snicker* Mom told me to quit putting the Short Bus Cat in situations where she could cause herself even more neurological damage. 🙂

It’s looking like there will be about 20 of us at my apartment-warming soiree (if you’re in the area and I’ve not invited you, let me know and I’ll send you an invite!). My good friends Dawn and Rob, formerly of Pittsburgh as well, have RSVP’d, and I’m ecstatic about that — we used to have many drunken good times together. And I will get to meet the infamous and ever-fabulous Silver Blue, Tink and Polo Randy.

I’m much like the Wizard of Oz when it comes to planning parties — I try to get an interesting mix of people, to keep things lively. I have great faith that I shall get my wish. 🙂

Mom helped me to plan the menu last night, and I look forward to learning how to pick some good meat from Grillmaster Scotty K. (Aside to Scott: Hey, buddy, how ’bout a Harris Teeter adventure prior to the soiree?) Scott is the self-proclaimed Harris Teeter whore (of, at least, the Arlington store), and I shall look forward to learning his shopping secrets. I might even let him swipe his VIC card on my purchase so that he can earn lotsa points toward the knife set that they are offering that he’s currently salivating over coveting. 🙂

The good news is that I have enough Italian genetics to be able to cook for 20 people without even batting an eye. The bad news is that I live next-door to one of the apartment complex managers. 🙁 Perhaps I should invite her, to keep the complaints at bay.

I’m not going to give away the menu, but I think I will save my usual bounty-o-specialty-appetizers for New Year’s and just, for now, stick to side dishes instead. I have a ton of things I usually make for parties, but I need to do new and different things, not to mention that Halloween is fun to celebrate foodwise. Maybe I’ll just make a shitload of baked goods this time around — and with enough wine in me (and there will be MORE than enough, thank you), I shall revisit my role as Betty Crocked.

I know I’m babbling like a fiend about this party, but I haven’t thrown a shindig since my 27th birthday party (two years ago, for those keeping track!). I wish I could invite more of the usual suspects from times since passed, but it will be good to have old friends mixed in among the new friends.

Now to just continue the unpacking so that I can decorate!!! 🙂

… WORKS!!!

Well, in weird news, I fit into a skirt I haven’t been able to squeeze my fat ass into since I lived in Pittsburgh. How ’bout that? I am not sure how much longer I can live wthout eating “real” food, but this is a liquid diet I will enjoy while it lasts!!! 😉

That’s all. Nothin’ special. Just wide-eyed at this hour, like I usually am.

Watched movies and “Sex and the City” reruns for hours. The kitties each curled up on me and slept the whole time. I just had to wake the brats up so I could go pee. I’m sure that now, as I try to go to sleep, the little fuckers will be energized and will bounce off the walls all night. ‘Cause that’s what always happens.

Weep for me.

In better news, finally sent out invitations for my housewarming. Does that mean the apartment is remotely close to being ready for visitors? Oh hell no. Do I feel inclined to even cook for it? Not especially. I’ve been trying to plan a menu, but all I keep coming up with is hot buttered rum cider and beer. Of course, who needs anything else when you’ve got that? 😉

Perhaps it’s a good night for masturbation. Had the best session last night — took me no more than three minutes to explode. Damn, I’m good! Either that or the fantasy was particularly superb. But they usually are. 🙂 However, I’m lookin’ for some fresh material. What do YOU think about when you’re in need of release?!?!

On a complete whim, I just bought a beige suede jacket that screams “Flower Child!” It’s very Janis Joplin or Joni Mitchell — it’s got neat criss-cross stitching on the bottom of it and along the sleeves, and it ties in two places in the front with long beige strings. I spent way too much on it, but I love it.

Lately, people at work have been commenting about how different I look. Yeah, I’ve actually been putting on makeup and doing something with my hair once in awhile. I stopped getting my nails done, though, so I am trying to wear stuff with pockets so I can hide them. 🙂 I’ll get back to it soon, but I just haven’t had the time to actually sit in a chair for an hour and get them manicured.

I’ve been revisiting my black clothing a lot, and I bought a lil medieval-inspired black top today just for giggles. And I also purchased one in red, because I’m just ridiculous like that.

I felt like I was dressed for a funeral last night, in my all-black outfit (save for a white collar and cuffs) to go to some photography showing at Vida in D.C. (The bar was decent, as was the photography, but it wasn’t a memorable experience, by any means). Shawn invoked my status as his interim “boyfriend” to accompany him and his roommate and his girlfriend out for the evening. Long story short, he actually had the hostess refund our admission price, as we were supposed to get food and a drink in our admission price, but we had neither. The bartender actually refused to honor the drink coupons because he ran out of whatever vodka they were promoting that night. WTF? I did buy a round of drinks, although it took them — and I’m not kidding here — 25 minutes to go find a fucking bottle of amaretto for my drink. E. Gads. And they didn’t even use the top-shelf variety either, and the bartender *only* made me pay $10 because I waited so patiently. Pfft.

I wrote a review about the experience on the Washington Post. In a few hours, you can click the Vida link in this post and go see pretty much the same shit I just wrote here. 🙂

We had dinner at Thai Tanic afterward. I tell ya, I can’t eat the spicy foods like I did before my surgery. My meal set my mouth on fire, and I drowned it in much water and in the uber-sweet Thai iced tea, which had more sweet cream in it than a cow in a sugar cane field. I like to refer to my entree as Bad Pad Thai. 🙂

OK, I am going to kill my other kitty, Maddie. Earlier, I alluded to the fact that Kadi had the runs between the litterboxes. Right this second, Maddie took a dump and just dragged her ass across the carpet — and it’s a chunky trail. Fuck around. Well, I need to go AGAIN to go clean up cat shit.

Anybody want some free pussy? Ya got three to choose from!!!!!!!!