Caterwauling

Today’s Gemini horoscope:

You may be caught in a difficult quandary in which your attention to other people’s needs and emotions may draw you into dramas that you do not wish to be a part of, dawn. As a result, you may become very indecisive and unsure of which way to proceed. You will find, however, that you are confident of your decision once you have made it.

I’ve done way too much thinking today. Am I happy where I am? What needs to change — job, geography, what? I cried a lot today, and maybe it was for nothing. I don’t know. I’m just really sad and confused right now. Should I stay here in Alexandria, or should I leave town when my lease expires next summer? When the hell am I going to get my finances together? When am I going to go into business for myself? How am I going to do it? How am I going to afford my bills? You’d think, with my income (which is decent, for my age), that I could afford my life. But I can’t. I’m not extravagantly spending money — it’s all loans and credit cards and car and housing — stuff I ran up long ago and in small increments. Now I am barely getting by. And I hate every minute of it.

I’ve made a lot of good friends around here, but some are leaving, and others plan to leave soon. I suppose I can always make new friends (and, of course, keep the old ones, no matter how far away they go!), but that would require motivation on my part. Maybe I need some alone time to get my career in order and decide if I can do it from somewhere else, preferably somewhere more affordable.

My grandfather is going into renal failure — the same thing my grandmother and great-grandmother died from. That means mom will need me — she has no property, no income (she’s a full-time caregiver). And lord knows I can barely support my furry children — how will I be able to take care of all of us?

I’m going to go take a nap — my eyes are practically swelled shut from sobbing most of today. I hate being unsure of how to survive from paycheck to miserable paycheck, and of course today’s paycheck was short due to furlough days. Fuck me running.

1. List five things you’d like to accomplish by the end of the year.

The end of the year, as in, in six weeks? Jesus Christ.

1. I’d like to get to my laundry pile — all 12 loads of it

2. Write out holiday cards

3. Plan a party (with no money, of course)

4. Return phone calls/e-mails from friends (I’m horrible at this)

5. Not commit suicide over finances and other worries

2. List five people you’ve lost contact with that you’d like to hear from again.

1. Melissa Vogel (ego-surf, woman! Where are you in this world?!?), my old friend from Pittsburgh — we worked together at Kaufmann’s in the Jones New York section.

2. Howard and Nancy — I worked with Howard at Easter Seals, and he and Nancy were always up for a good happy hour, especially at their homes. God, we had fun!

3. Kristine Habun — we went to Point Park College together and graduated together with journalism degrees, when what we both really wanted was to be novelists. I loved talking with her and reviewing each other’s short stories. (Another one I hope who ego-surfs and finds this!)

4. My old friends Kristin and Steve (I put them together because we were such a unit). Sure, we all exchange the occasional e-mail, but it’s not the same. It never will be.

5. Shan (even though I haven’t lost her). I just got my best girlfriend back, and she’s leaving me. She’s going to move back to Oregon in the next couple of months (financial reasons), and of course little Alex will be going with her. She just told me five minutes ago. I can’t stop crying and I want to die. I miss her already, and I’m falling apart as I type this.

3. List five things you’d like to learn how to do.

1. Make money

2. Run a business

3. Create art, whether it be paintings, sculpture, photography or whatever else inspires me

4. Publish my books

5. Become a writing coach or instructor — I’m a good editor, but I’d like to take it a step further and not just re-write people’s stories, but teach them how to do it right the first time.

4. List five things you’d do if you won the lottery (no limit).

1. I’d buy my mom a house

2. I’d buy myself a house and pay off my car/credit cards/medical bills/defaulted student loan

3. I’d quit my day job and freelance when/if the mood strikes

4. I’d give Shan money to stay here in Virginia; I’d help out all of my family and friends who are working so hard and accomplishing so little due to financial restraints

5. I would shop like a madwoman and buy a new Mac G5 and every damn other thing I’ve been coveting but know I will never have

5. List five things you do that help you relax.

1. Mediate/try to regulate my breathing

2. Blog/write about the stress/do a quick poem about the event

3. Eat (this would explain a lot!)

4. Daydream about a better time, past or present

5. Curl up in a ball and want to die.