Caterwauling

I have a friend who’s going through a tough time right now, over the end of a relationship, and it got me to thinking. And thinking, in the Caterwauling hacienda, usually makes this author live up to the domain name she chose so brilliantly. 🙂

I write this without the benefit of ever having had a normal, stable relationship where the timing was right for both parties simultaneously. But that has given me enough wisdom and insight to realize when it’s time to either find the door or usher someone to it.

A gal at work had once told me about how, in relationships, she makes it clear from the beginning that she’s in it for keeps, so much so that if you ever hurt her, you will pay. She jokes that going psycho on them immediately scares them into submission. And while I laugh heartily at that, I can admit that the one time I went psycho on somebody, he was more than happy to run screaming.

In other instances, I am more of the attitude that, if things aren’t working, somebody needs to leave. I mean, hell, relationships and dating are hard enough without the extra added obstacles (read: enough baggage to get you through a six-month trip to Europe).

Even with people who are battered (physically or emotionally), they tend to overstay their welcome in their relationships. Why? They stay for the good things, the good times, the good memories. They give thanks for the little things — a day without arguments, a great vacation full of togetherness, a night without ending in the E.R. 😉 I was in a “mercy relationship” once — no matter how many times I broke it off, he just wouldn’t go away, and I got too tired to fight him anymore. I took the time we were together to just mentally check out and play with my imaginary friends inside my head — I got my “alone time” when he was in the room with me. Yet, once in awhile, we’d connect on some level, and I could look at him and wonder if, just if, the timing were right, could we have made it work.

Of course, because that was my first relationship, I gave it a lot more life support than the insurance company would permit. Sometimes, it’s best for everyone involved to just sign the DNR papers and turn the button off.

Same thing with my last relationship (almost two years ago — gaah!). We didn’t have a thing to say to each other, but we could sure fuck like rabbits on crack. And while, at the time, that was great for me (I worked 65-hour weeks and didn’t have the time to invest in dating), it got old. Seriously, I was starting to wonder who he was fucking when I was writing 75-page proposals in my office at midnight, and I told him flat-out that my health (mental, physical and especially sexual) was too important for me to be playing reindeer games. The message I wanted to send was hey, we either exchange conversation in addition to bodily fluids, or we need to put a stop to this. He was clearly guilty of screwing around, I figured it out and it was over, no questions asked.

He did call quite a few times after that, for some Saturday night specials, but I hung up on him every time. Ironically, I went on to have a series of one-night stands with colleagues and people I met on the Internet, and he went on to have a long-term relationship that I think is still going on. It’s not that I was against casual sex or that he was against monogamy (I think) — it’s just that we didn’t want those things at the same time, or, quite frankly, with each other.

A part of me, of course, takes pause to wonder why he could commit to this new girl but not to me. But that same part of me knows that we had a good thing — being fuck buddies — that was right for both of us at that time. But as time went on, I realized this was going nowhere. And I’m all about enjoying the journey more than the destination, but I also wanted to know up-front whether it was time to make the next leg of the journey solo … that maybe there was someone else more worthy of the ride (in all senses of the word!).

In essence, that was my advice to my buddy — enjoy it for what it’s worth, and if the stars aren’t aligned, then the path needs to change. We all chalk up a lot to experience, but that’s OK — it’s better than waiting for things to change by themselves.

I was talking to Shawn the other day, somewhere between six shots of Apple Pucker, the D.C. Eagle and Club Chaos, how ridiculous it is that, for women, the biological clock issue has to exist. I mean, damn, Shan was 35 when she had Alex, and all of her doctors were yapping about how medically risky it is for women over 35 to breed. Shit, I don’t expect to have collided with the love of my life by then (I’ll admit it’s six years from now, but I plan to be 29 for at least most of those years!), let alone trust and love someone enough to want to continue this ridiculously messed up line of genetics that I’ve inherited with them. 🙂

And sure, I’m enlightened enough to know that if I really want a kid, I don’t need anything more than a turkey baster and someone willing to jack off in a cup. But on the other hand, there is that minor pressure to not put the carriage before the horse. But I might not be ready for all of that until I’m 40, if then.

(Okay, THAT tangent was pretty random!)

Back to my original point, it’s almost like there’s a clock within each of us, reminding us that we’re (insert age) and we don’t have a meaningful relationship; therefore, what’s wrong with us? But on the other hand, the way I see it is that we’ve waited too long to get into something that isn’t absolutely ideal. It’s all fun and games till someone cums in loses an eye. And if I’m going to lose my heart, they’d better damn well be worth losing it for, and they’d better be putting theirs on the line right next to mine.

Till then, I’m stayin’ single and enjoying that for what it’s worth, too. But, admittedly, I wouldn’t mind not spending another cold winter alone. Of course, when I meet someone worth my time and affections, hell might just freeze over, so keep those sweaters handy!!! 😉

I was just listening to Limp Bizkit’s cover of “Behind Blue Eyes,” and I loved it. Then I remembered someone from my past who loved that band, and I would bet my last dollar that he thinks of “Behind Blue Eyes” as his new theme song. What with the blue eyes and all, and the hard life to fit the storyline of the tune.

I get e-mails from him now and again. Nothing special, just jokes forwarded to his handful of friends, and I’m somewhere in the mix.

I know, at heart, he’s truly a good guy. But when I needed him, he was nowhere to be found … not even when he promised to go “halfsies” on a little brush with what I like to call expensive birth control. That was more than two years ago — I stopped waiting for that support and/or money almost that long ago. I sure hope he didn’t think I actually wanted or enjoyed being in that position … especially the being alone part.

I don’t hate him. I’m actually rather indifferent toward him, for the most part. I read and delete the e-mails. Once in awhile, he says something sweet, aimed just at me. I enjoy it momentarily then forget about it. Kind of like our own entanglement — I enjoyed it, suffered the end of it, and got the fuck over it.

Shawn and I were talking about how some people hold grudges forever. That’s not us — it’s unhealthy to hold onto all the built-up hurt for too long. It’s better, and definitely more significant, when we can walk away from people and situations that caused us pain, whether they intended it or not. Everything’s a growing experience, and sometimes, we grow apart, stop growing together or there is no growth left to occur until a clean break is made.

At any rate, whenever I hear that Limp Bizkit song, I wonder if he’s somewhere hearing it at the same time and thinking that the song is about him. And I can only wonder if he’d ever know that Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” runs through my head at the exact same moment.

1. What food do you like that most people hate?

Not so much food, but I’ll say cigarettes, ’cause those usually get me a few disdainful looks every time I light up. 🙂

2. What food do you hate that most people love?

Tomatoes. I actually hate onions more, though, but because onions seem to come on/in every dish in every restaurant, that’s null. When I have a choice, I prefer white pasta sauces, white pizzas, etc.

3. What famous person, whom many people may find attractive, is most unappealing to you?

Oh, I say “What’s the big deal?” about practically every star, particularly the skinny ones. I don’t trust skinny people — what the hell is with people who go to the gym five times a day? They need to eat cake. And lots of it. 🙂

Take Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot. She lost all kinds of weight, and she was lauded in the press. But now her head looks too big for her body — same thing with Oprah. Some people look much better with some meat (and plenty of barbecue sauce!) on their ribs.

And those Hilton sisters. I want to force-feed them cupcakes through an I.V. They aren’t even sexy — just trashy but with lots of money.

4. What famous person, whom many people may find unappealing, do you find attractive?

People generally find some of these famous people to be unappealing because they’re not exotic or overly good-looking, but even the not-so-hot folks have a certain sex appeal.

That said, after watching “Out of Order” on Showtime this summer, I started to find Eric Stoltz kind of hot. Yeah, the kid who starred in “Mask” with Cher. But on the show, he was smart and funny and having an affair with a hot soccer mom, and I found myself being kind of aroused during those scenes. 🙂

5. What popular trend baffles you?

I was just flipping between MTV and VH1, as I do every morning, and I realized I’d become one of those people who just doesn’t understand “these kids today.” MTV has become a 24/7 episode of “MTV Jams,” and VH1 is playing all the rock-and-roll of my youth.

I’m also trying to figure out how Britney Spears is going to be featured on a VH1 “Behind the Music” special — wasn’t that show created to chronicle the histories of our favorite, legendary bands who were famous 10 or more years ago?

But what really baffles me is reality TV. Sure, I’m guilty of watching and enjoying a lot of it, but it’s getting ridiculous — feed me some fiction anyday! I am sick of these ridiculously controlled environments where people are conditioned to act a certain way (“Fear Factor,” “Real World,” “Big Brother,” “Amazing Race,” etc.), when, in reality, they would never be on a show like that with video cameras following them everywhere. Everything disguised as “reality” is so freakin’ contrived. Stop the madness and pay some actors to do their jobs, damn it!!!

We are without Internet access at work, so no bitching about the Veggie Patch for me (I heard you breathing a sigh of relief!).

But if I DID have ‘Net access there, here are some of the good sites I’d be visiting in between episodes of banging my head off the keyboard and chain-smoking in the parking lot:

Budget 101, a great place for sentimental (and cheap!) gifts. Check out their recipes that are made to replace your usual visits to expensive coffee shops and restaurants!

Why pussy is good for you, especially for the ladies! 🙂 (Commentary: Hasn’t the author considered that maybe watching our cats continually eating themselves out makes us jealous?)

“Crank Yankers” downloads, featuring my personal favorite, Special Ed! (“I got mail! Yay!”)

Crap On Me. Got dumped? Your boss is an asshole? Your friends fucked you over? Let the world know, and don’t forget to name names!

Online Orgasm. Compare male and female orgasms. Don’t worry — it only takes a second … literally. 🙂

Pinstruck: send a voodoo curse to your boss or most despised colleague! You can even make the dolls like like them!

And on a heartwarming note, Dineen and Mike’s son Alex has proven that he’s already a man.

One more heartwarming note, this time a baby girl named Alex, having the yawn of a lifetime:

Now go back to work! 🙂

I am a shitty photographer; either that, or my little Nikon sucks ass. Most of my photos from the party turned out blurry, but until I figure out how to make them viewable, here are some shots that ain’t so bad:

Long-awaited photos of Flo!

And here’s a lil punkin named Alex:

More photo goodness coming soon!

I’m getting old.

Seriously, I have put on parties of this size before. And I used to do it without the luxury of a car, so I had the added aggravation of lugging groceries and decorations all over creation. I used to bounce back relatively quickly, but today, I am in pain. But happy pain. Not happy pain as in, “Oh spank me again! *squeal* Yeah baby!” but more like the afterglow of a really good orgasm. Only problem is, my fingers hurt too much to even bother doing that. 🙂

All in all, I’d say it was a successful soiree. The usual suspects Shawn, Scott, Dave, Paul and Bryan showed up bearing gifts of food and drink. Shawn made kickass kebabs. Paul made some addictive bean dip (which Angie’s husband Shawn — yes, another Shawn. Oh my! — noted that the secret ingredient had to be crack, because none of us could move away from the bowl!). Scott made some mean baked beans. Everyone brought some variant of booze, beer and mixers (which means I just need to have another party REAL soon!), and we ate like queens kings.

I was pleased to finally meet the legendary Silver Blue, Tink and PoloRandy, who drove up here from Virginia Beach, bearing gifts and a blue bunny.

Speaking of four-pawed wonders, Miss Maddie chose to hide under my bed for most of the night, but I think she had a contact high from some of the smoke in the house, because when I brought her out to meet people (it was Hans who really wanted to see her, and she was quite compliant as she cuddled up to him — it’s been awhile since she’s been near a straight man!), she was cool. She even hung out in the living room for awhile, crashing on her kitty couch and just kinda checkin’ out the scene from the corner of the room.

Short Bus Cat (known now as “Shorty B.”) stayed caged for most of the night. Unfortunately, she scratched up a number of people, and at some point, she got away and was running around the house. Because we had the balcony doors open and I didn’t want them closed (it was 70 degrees last night!), I trapped her in my room, chased her for 15 minutes, and corralled her back into her cage. She finally realized that she was safe and could also watch the action from her little vantage point, so she didn’t whine too much.

I was also thrilled to see my friends Dawn and Rob, whom I haven’t seen in the flesh in at least a year and a half (with Dawn) and probably two years (with Rob). (Rob, by the way, came up with the “Shorty B.” moniker — it has stuck so far!). They brought me lovely set of handpainted martini glasses (and, no, Rob, I didn’t put them in the dishwasher. Yet. LOL) and many Skyy products. Ah, they know me so well. 😉

All in all, other than the fact that a piece of my grill is in FUCKING PITTSBURGH and I had to run around town to find a cheapie, tiny grill and charcoal, the party turned out OK. I had hoped to have food grilled before the guests got here, but because I only bought the grill right before they showed up, it didn’t happen, which sucks because people left before I even had most of the food out (although the Sweet Lebanon in my cheese plate, and my secret-recipe sweet pepper relish dip from Harry and David (yeah, there’s the secret!) were happily consumed until the grilling could begin).

Grillmaster Scotty K. chose not to live up to his name last night, opting instead to imitate Grandpa Simpson and snooze for an hour-plus on the couch during the height of the soiree. 🙂 But Shawn and Paul valiantly took over, and the day was saved. And I’ve got about a trillion hamburgers, hot dogs and kebabs sitting in the fridge, crying to be cooked, because that little grill only managed to cook enough for those of us left slumping slurring standing at the end of the evening. 🙂

I have photos of the party-goers in my camera, which I hope to upload later this week. I also have some shots of Scott dressed as Flo for Halloween (complete with his pantyhose and the boxers he wore under them!) that will find a home at Chez Caterwauling in the very near future.

Well, time to go feed the kitties. Shorty B. has been rather good today, and I want to reward her before I get another claw in my temple. 🙂

Anyway, just wanted to give a shout-out to all my peeps who made my apartment-warming special!!! 🙂 Thanks guys!!!

OK, so between my guests and me, we have enough leftover food to feed D.C.’s entire homeless population, and we have enough booze to make their situations a lil more bearable. 🙂 Not to mention, but there’s a lot of food I either froze or forgot to put on display because, well, I was trashed from the get-go.

Not much more posting tonight. Just came back from Nation with Shawn, and I am about to collapse. Met wonderful people tonight, saw old, dear friends I haven’t seen in ages, and hung out with the usual fabulous posse. Good times, I tell ya. Good times. 🙂

Later taters.

Rejected title: “Are you a Backstreet Boy?”

Shawn and I had a Halloween adventure this evening. We started out in Old Town at the Carlyle House and at Gadsby’s Tavern (Paul, where the hell were you?) before running, not walking, down to Dupont to J.R.’s for some much-needed boozin’.

Shawn is a big believer in Bar Feng Shui — the art of moving around to find better scenery to increase one’s chances of colliding with hotties. I said I needed some Cum Shui myself, and that became today’s “word of the day” (the word of the day was “glory hole” when we did our Punkin-palooza last weekend).

We attended a party afterward in Logan Circle at the abode of Scott’s friend Linda. On our way to the car, some people stopped Shawn to ask if he were dressed as a Backstreet Boy for Halloween. I think it was a compliment of the highest order, but he argued that at least the boys in N’Sync are hotter than the Backstreet Boys. Reminded me of the old Howard Stern skit when he and his posse did the “Backside Boys,” and so that is what Shawn was for Halloween. I personally had decided to go as a “bitter twentysomething,” but alas, after the Backstreet fan club accosted Shawn, my role for the holiday became “groupie.” 🙂

Linda’s party was cool — nearly everyone was in costume, and Scott (portraying an eerily realistic “Flo Castleberry” from the fabulous sitcom “Alice”) won the prize for Sexiest costume. Go, Flo!

There was an amazingly hot girl at the soiree, and Shawn and I had to take a strange pause because we both found her ridiculously attractive. Humph. Who’da thought?

I had to laugh because Linda served a completely vegan menu; me, I’ll be serving meat, meat and more meat tomorrow. That is, if I ever get up and start my damn preparing. 🙂 (Aside to invitees: Feel free to come later than 7:30 p.m. Really. Be fashionably late so the hostess can get her shit together! LOL)

Aside to fans who have been in withdrawal because of Shawn’s delay in updating his blog: our fearless friend is gainfully employed again. Woo hoo! Celebratory drinks are assuredly in order, and I shall be pleased to provide a few dozen for anyone interested. 🙂

One last quote of the night: In Gadsby’s, we were on this adventure to steal the skull of Blackbeard, and we were corralled into a room and told, “Be quiet and be quick.” I said, rather loudly, “That’s what I tell all my men!” *snerk*