Caterwauling

The Fatkins Diet!

updated

Yesterday, Cruise Director was giving away a pound of nuts to the first person to respond to his e-mail. When someone claimed the prize, he sent an e-mail saying, “Nuts are gone!” Shan wrote to me, “Um, we’re still here.”

Another prize quote came from Ronnie at the dinner party on Saturday, “I’m going to start dieting tomorrow, honest. Right after I go to church.” *snerk* And hell will be freezing over next!

And one more. …

After my hour-long meeting with my supervisor today, I told Angie that I will absolutely kill myself if I hear, “Just so we’re on the same page” again. Ergh! I told her, “Yeah, you wanna know what page I’m on? The fucking epilogue!”

OK, because you’ve been good, one last one. …

During my meeting with my supervisor and Cruise Director, I made mention how my digital camera broke when I took a picture of Pride Fag. Cruise Director said, “And here I thought he only broke mirrors!” *rofl*

“Meetings: where people take minutes and lose hours.” — author unknown

OK, so today is my new day to meet with my supervisor, which was established at my request so that I wouldn’t have to wait around, waiting for her prior meeting to finish. Of course, at 10 a.m., I was ready to get it overwith, but she had people in her office. I left a snarky message for her to please correct me if I got the time wrong. She got back at 10:40 a.m. to inform me that I should KNOW to just knock on her door and tell her I’m there and ready (note that I work three doors down from her — it’s not like I make a special trip to the end of the earth for this misery).

In any event, we met. And I have to meet with her and Cruise Director later today. She wants us to face off (I’m not kidding) about our frustrations with each other. What’s weird is that my job has been going rather well lately. I really don’t have any complaints. The few issues I’ve had, well, I’ve told her about, but since she can’t make a decision, she takes them to Cruise Director and usually loses a few vital pieces along the way, because he apparently doesn’t get what she’s talking about (her words, not his).

She was really provoking me today to come up with a bitch list, and I said look, any problems I’ve had, well, I’ve identified and solved them. Or I’ve got a plan in motion to solve them. Further, I told her, my dealings with Cruise Director have uncovered three truths: I tell him that I had a problem and I solved it; I tell him that I have a problem and here’s how I plan to solve it and I need his blessing; or I tell him that I have a problem and I need some guidance on how to solve it effectively. I told her that I have no intention about going to him and whining, nor do I feel the need to come up with things to whine about.

The thing is, he’s very direct. Don’t waste his time with whining. Our members, governance and other miscellaneous leaders are permanent thorns in his side. He hears pissing and moaning every minute that he is working. And he turns off when one of us sees fit to whine — he really does tune out and (appears to) pray for death when you go in there, rambling and expecting him to make the decision for you. And that’s the thing with my supervisor — she doesn’t make decisions. And what I refrained from saying out loud is that, with every problem I’ve had (with readers, software, hardware, colleagues, etc.), I’ve fixed it myself. And, of course, there are some ongoing personality clashes, but those were happening long before I took this job and they will continue long after I’m gone.

Anyway, she seemed really pissed that I didn’t have an agenda. I said, look, I’m not trying to be combative, but I really do have to say that I am appreciative of my employer for approving some major expenses that I need to make to upgrade my equipment. I am pleased that, when leaders start fighting among each other and I get caught in the middle, Cruise Director jumps in and is usually quick to support me and to minimize the bullshit that distracts us all from doing our jobs.

In any event, I know I’m going to go in there this afternoon and feel stupid. I mean, Cruise Director hates meetings (especially time-wasters) as much as I do, but my supervisor is gleefully rubbing her hands together and beaming because she’s gotten the superpowers in a room together. All I know is that I need to get through this without saying anything negative (that will cost me my credibility). Maybe if she weren’t in the meeting, I could say that my No. 1 obstacle, sadly, might just be the supervisor herself.

Bonnie sent this gay quiz — I got a 44 percent. How did YOU score?

UPDATED

I’m pissed.

Went to Springfield Mall to go shoe shopping. Found two awesome pairs of boots at Payless, and when I went to check out, the lady behind the desk told me that it’s a buy two get one free deal, so I should go grab another pair (let me insert that this is my favorite shoe store for a reason!). As I was debating over a pair of white high-heeled boots, the male worker in the store accosted me (we’ll call him Al Bundy for the rest of the entry).

Apparently, Al Bundy has waited on me before and has developed a thing for me. He came right up to me and asked me out. I told him I was flattered but that I had to decline. Yadda yadda 20-questions-cakes. He wasn’t going away. So I said, look, I’m gay and I am not dating men right now.

Stupid stupid stupid. That is the WORST thing to say when you’re trying to get rid of somebody. Of COURSE he expressed interest in being invited to watch hot female-female action (which I obviously cannot provide, because I was saying I was dating someone just to be left to shoe shop in peace). He begged for my number, and I did the old, “I’m happy and I’m not looking for anyone else right now” schtick. So he asks me to stick around, and he gives me his number. He told me to call him at 5 p.m. so I could come over for dinner tonight.

Pest. Fucking pest. I took the number and put back the shoes and ran like hell. The lady at the register (who just saw me with about $40 worth of shoes that I’d fully been ready to buy) watched me duck out, and she looked startled.

I hate myself for putting back the shoes. It’s ridiculously hard to find hoof covers that I like, and it’s even harder to find them in an 8 1/2 (and I didn’t think it was a common size). The problem was, when he asked my name, I did my usual fake, “I’m Melissa!” But my dumb ass needed to pay with a credit card, and I didn’t want him having my real name so he could track me down with a simple Google search (that, and my name is NOT Melissa). I’m also mad because the Payless at Landmark Mall didn’t have the shoes in my size, and that’s why I trekked to Springfield in the first fucking place.

I called Mom when I was safely away from the store, and she said, “Honey, why don’t you just carry cash when you go out?” LOL

Now, I know I’m in for a lecture from at least one reader here, but I’m certain the next question will be, well, why didn’t you agree to go out with him? Lord knows there ain’t anybody else exactly beating down the door to come and sweep me off my feet.

The reasons are as diverse as I am (probably) bipolar. I believe in love at first sight, and all I felt was creeped out — I’ve worked enough retail to know better than to harass a customer for 20 minutes, begging them to go out with me (i.e., it’s a really good way to lose a sale, for one). Secondly, I’ve already enlighened you to my quirkyalone status (i.e., I’ve waited too long to just go for whomever’s asking at the time). Of course, it can be argued that I don’t need to be alone while I’m waiting for The One, but I’ve administered enough mercy fucks to last me a lifetime, and the person who’s less interested in the dating relationship hurts just as much as the one who’s always hoping for more.

And of course, it has run through my mind repeatedly how the types of people I’m interested in aren’t always interested in me, and this was a classic example tonight of how cruel the circle is. And the thing is, I am interested in a couple of people right now (always have a few in mind, because if it doesn’t work out with one, there is always the dream of someone else to soothe the heartache). On one hand, it is probably stupid for me to be waiting for something that may never happen, but on the other hand, if it can happen, I want to be free to let it.

In any event, I am PISSED that I didn’t just buy the shoes and take the loss on the free pair because I NEEDED those fucking boots!!! 😉 And of course, none of the other shoe stores had a single thing that held my interest. Damn it all anyway. 🙂

UPDATE

I went to the Payless website and registered my complaint:

I was just in your store in Springfield Mall (Springfield, VA) today (Sunday, Jan. 11, around 3 p.m.), and I had a shopping experience that will ensure that I never return to that store, although it is my favorite location. I had just picked up two pairs of boots (an impending $40 sale, when the woman behind the desk graciously reminded me that today is the last day for the buy-two-get-one-free promotion). I was thrilled and went back to the racks to look at another pair of shoes that I’d been debating about. Unfortunately, the male employee on the shift (who recognized me from previous visits) came up to me to ask me out on a date. I told him I was flattered but that I had to decline, and then he asked several questions about that (i.e., I couldn’t just say no but had to explain myself). After about 20 minutes, I was ridiculously annoyed and decided to put back the shoes (because I had to pay with a credit card, and I didn’t want him to have access to my name). He asked me if I would take his number (since I wouldn’t give him mine) and he asked that I call him tonight (I took the number and left the store empty-handed, and no, I did not call him). I don’t necessarily want to get him in trouble, but I did want to tell you that, unfortunately, a sale was lost because of this, and I really wish I had cash so I could have bought the boots and left the store in peace.

(*Line stolen from Sandra Bullock in “Hope Floats.”)

OK, it is fucking FREEZING outside. And of COURSE I couldn’t find parking in my lot when I arrived home 10 minutes ago. Bah.

Busy day. Kidnapped Shan from her evil mother-in-law long enough to go sign up for the National Body Challenge down at the Discovery store in Old Town. The MIL kept us waiting for hours, so I did some light shopping and picked up some ridiculously cute outfits for Alex while I wandered Landmark Mall.

I did get to visit with Alex — it’s so funny, but as soon as she hears my voice, she turns to me and is all smiles and giggles (she just turned five months old yesterday). I held her and fed her and we sat and chatted for the longest time. She’s quite the talkative one — she’s always got something to say when she isn’t eating her fist. 🙂

She’s a strong one — she loves to stand up on your thighs. Even though, of course, we’re holding her up, she’s really doing her part to ensure that she is standing up. She’s probably going to start walking before she crawls (apparently Shan walked first, too). I can’t get over how much I love that kid. Shan of course yelled at me for buying clothes for her (she gets mad when I spend money), but I couldn’t resist this ridiculously cute fuschia polar fleece sleeper (to match this adorable fleece hat her sister made for Alex), and of course a lovely blue sleeper from Carter’s (my mom bought her four sleepers and a bib last weekend, and we were bummed that her store didn’t have the blue sleeper in her size, so I grabbed it. Mom was pleased). Then I found this awesome black onesie with a lettuce-edged turtleneck and lettuce-edged sleeves (for $2.99 at Old Navy), and I had to have it. Shan loved it all — Alex has officially outgrown almost everything (13 pounds and counting!) she has, and Shan loves anything that has bold colors. I took a risk on the black, but she flipped and told me how much she has wanted to find black baby clothes for Alex (to wear under her cute, colorful polar fleece vests), so she was happy.

It is hysterical how easily Alex took to me (of course, she was hiding under the table every time Shan and I went out while she was baking). Shan always says that I saved Alex’s life — I practically dragged her to the hospital myself the week before she was born. As it happened, Shan went to the hospital (after my begging) and never left because they did a sonogram and saw the umbilical cord was wrapped around Alex’s neck. I would never in a million years take credit for saving Alex, but it was sweet to hear nonetheless. 🙂

What was REALLY hysterical was when the MIL arrived (hours late and with a friend who was not invited to Shan’s place). The friend snatched Alex out of my arms, and Alex began to really fuss and whimper. She kept looking at Shan and at me like, “Save me!” And the woman refused to give her back to me. Instead, she gave her to the MIL, and Alex (I’m not kidding) looked at her like, “You are SUCH an asshole!” And she fussed and whimpered again. It broke our hearts to leave Alex with her, even for the short period we were gone.

We were glad (although scared) to sign up for the Body Challenge. I certainly don’t want my story to be broadcast on the Discovery Channel, but there was something serious about having to get weighed in public and to now have my moves tracked by their fitness experts. There will be another weigh-in on March 31, but I’ll be out of state. We didn’t have to see what we weighed (it was written down), but I did look and I said, “Holy shit! Damn holiday feasts — all 18 years of them!” Everyone was laughing at that. I told Shan, “Damn, I’ve never seen quite that combination of numbers before — maybe we should play the lottery?” We both walked out, kind of disgusted with ourselves (we’ve both hit an all-time high weightwise). But this was the kick in the ass we need to start dieting. Tomorow, of course. 🙂

After the weigh-in, I was stuffed senseless by Carlos and Todd at a lovely dinner party, along with Shawn, Bryan, Paul and the adorable Mickey who is in from Canada. And of course we drank enough alcohol to irrigate the Sahara. And of COURSE I got my drink on the second I walked into my apartment. 🙂

I suppose that, tomorrow, I should get rid of all the cookies, licorice and other bad stuff that I always have in the house. *sigh* It’s going to be a riot to start to undo the three decades of rotten eating habits that I’ve perfected. Weep for me.

Well, not really, but here’s the Friday Five from last week, since I missed it and there isn’t a new one up today. And forget this “one thing” shit — I will list as many things as apply.

What one thing are you most looking forward to . . .

1. …today?

Leaving work early.

2. …over the next week?

Paying my bills and learning/implementing a weight-loss plan with Shan (starting tomorrow).

3. …this year?

Being able to wear the clothes hiding in my closet that used to fit. Maybe letting my guard down a little bit more. Maybe taking more risks in my career and personal life. To, like Erica said, quit doing my job half-assed if I’m not just going to quit entirely.

4. …over the next five years?

To, if not get married, at least get into a long-term relationship. To publish a novel or two. To have started several small businesses. To travel. To figure out whether or not to reproduce. To decide where I want to live permanently (stay in NoVa, go back to Pittsburgh or find someplace else that appeals to me more).

5. …for the rest of your life?

To plastic surgery and to living off the royalties from my publications and the profits from my businesses. To not being lonely, or, at least, to not being alone. To teaching the next generation, whether or not it is my own offspring — I may decide to adopt or to become a mentor to someone who may really need me.

Today’s another furlough day. Well, it’s a half-day, with another half-day next Friday. And a paid day off on the 19th. Why the fuck didn’t they just furlough the 19th? Oh well. At least they did listen to me when I requested that we do half-days during different pay periods, so I suppose I shouldn’t complain.

I’m not feeling very creative today. I hate that. I am ridiculously horny, though, and I hate that, too, ’cause I’ve burned through a pack of batteries this week and I’ve got to go buy more. Heh. No wonder I’ve developed carpal tunnel-like symptoms — it actually hurt my hand to brush all the damn snow off my car this morning!

I swear, I really do begin the workday with good intentions to work. And I really have done a lot today, but some of it was for me.

Shan and I have hatched our biggest scheme ever, and we have managed to identify and overcome every obstacle to making it work. All I can tell you is that we are designing the funniest line of greeting cards. I am in tears every time we talk about it, it’s going to be so ridiculously hilarious.

Now to get up the friggin’ energy to leave work, go home and actually work on them. 🙂

OK, so at our upcoming conference, we are having a big party with a “Wizard of Oz” theme, chosen by Pride Fag. Today, Angie noted that, instead of “Wizard,” our theme should be, “Priscilla: Queen of the Desert.”

*roflmfao* It works, since it’ll probably be a drag show anyway. Oh, I can’t WAIT to start planning the decorations!