Caterwauling

Off to see the Wizard, I mean. I’m about to call a cab and get this production on the road. Haven’t slept but that’s what the plane is for. 🙂 The kitties are playing on my black luggage, so I will have a keepsake from them while I’m gone. Kadi has been playing IN the suitcases, so I’ll probably get to Reagan National today, and they’ll open a bag and out will pop a cute but completely dense black cat, knowing my luck. Their Aunt Shan promises to take good care of the four-pawed wonders while I’m gone.

Have a good week/weekend!!! I’ll be back on Monday, no doubt with stories of excruciating agony to tell — so far, the convention director has been confined to the hospital, and I hear Demure is having a fit about that. But at least she’ll be leaving me alone! Hurrah!

Everybody be good, and make me happy and have a free-for-all in the comments for me, OK? I’m going to need to hear from people I don’t want to smother in their sleep. 😉

There’s a serial killer on the loose where we are holding our work conference this week. I fly out Wednesday at the butt-crack of dawn.

If the killer wants suggestions for some people to off, I have a list and I’ve checked it twice. …

Well, today’s the first day I’ve felt good, after suffering from a combination of food poisoning, a sinus infection and general malaise associated with work. I’ve lost interest in the blog, in reading e-mail (it’s been days. …) and in actually attempting to be nice to people. I’ve officially become the worst version of myself — boy, I can be a real bitch when we remove the filter between my brain and my mouth!

Oh, and did I mention I’m not smoking? Grrrrrrrr. …

But the pink comes from the Pepto Bismol I’ve been drinking like I’m at a half-price cocktail hour. Also, as I was out shopping yesterday, and I noticed that pink seems to be the new black, so I happily bought a bunch of jewelry and belts in pink or a pink-and-black combo. I figure, I’ve got to pack to go away to our exciting, sure-to-be-fun-filled (gag) work conference in Missouri next week, so at least I should have new, pretty things to make the trip less painful. As if that could ever happen. 🙂

I was talking to my mom about work yesterday — what keeps me there and what’s making me nuts. She told me to quit. I had told her about this monthly list of managers’ tips that some of us get, and the list was totally aimed at me. It said that if employees are unhappy, give them a few days off so they can find another job. It said that people might be unhappy because their duties aren’t expansive enough for them — that they feel pigeonholed into a position. So the best thing to do is to remind them that they are meant to stagnate at this company and unless they can accept the notion of aspiring to nothingness, they just aren’t people we want to have on our team.

I shared it with Shan, who blew a fuse just as quickly as I did. As if we needed any kind of tangible evidence to corroborate what we’ve always believed. She chatted with the sole higher-up in the place who isn’t a “yes” man, and he said, very plainly, we have two types of managers: effective and ineffective. And which one wrote the memo that set us off? Right.

Speaking of ineffective managers, life has been beautiful while my supervisor has been out of the office. She has been calling in, but I’ve had my phone forwarded into voice mail — she’s so ridiculously fucking useless to me when she’s in her office three doors down, and being out of state makes her equally so (it’s difficult to be less useful than she already is). So much has happened, and I’ve accomplished so much, without her, that all she really wants to do is ask questions since it’s not like she can actually assist any efforts I am putting forth.

I was at her secretary’s desk on Friday, returning some financial records for my department (the woman probably saves the toilet paper we use, she’s such a pack rat), and the secretary said, “Sure, Pussy Demure!TM. Dawn’s standing right here. Yes, you can talk to her.”

Gaah! I made slitting-my-throat motions and shook my head. Of course, that didn’t work, so I had to talk to the woman. God damn. I wasn’t thinking, and while Demure was rambling about all things related to her (and not to work, of course, including telling me stories she’s told me three times already), I started moving my hand/wrist like I was jerking off. Then I noticed the secretary looking at me, horrified, so I settled for moving my hand like I was encouraging Demure to finish a thought already (she speaks reaaaaalllllyyyy slowly). I answered all her insipid questions and did enjoy gloating that the CEO approved not only my software request, but also my hardware request, without the required six meetings that Demure insisted I schedule with her and with him to get the process on track. She sounded happy for me but disappointed for her that she had to miss out on wasting several hours’ of everyone’s time talking about the same shit repeatedly.

OH!!! I forgot about that. The CFO mentioned to Shan something about how Demure and I butt heads. She was intrigued and asked what he witnessed. He recounted a story of when he met with us and asked me a question that I answered honestly (about getting a list of software I want — an outside company was supposed to compile the list, but after three months of inaction, I met with our graphics director and my newspaper designer and we got a list together within one day). The CFO had asked Demure why she wasn’t being useful in assisting me to get the tools I need to do my job, and that’s why I was nice and said it was really the outside vendor’s delay, but Demure was well aware that when I had the list together, I would need help getting it approved (not really — I was being generous).

Well, after I left the meeting, the CFO told Shan that Demure sat and bitched about me for 15 minutes, how I was personally responsible for this list from the beginning (um, no I wasn’t) and how all she was doing was waiting for me to move on it. I remember after Demure had that tete-a-tete — she called me into her office and told me that she told the CFO what she really thought (as if she could form an opinion). And I’d told her that my story was accurate and there was no need for her to “defend” herself.

Anyway, Shan made a point of telling the CFO that if he wants my side of the story, he should hear it, ’cause it’s the opposite of Demure’s. He waved a hand and told Shan he didn’t need to hear it, because he knows me and knows Demure is absolutely fucking worthless. And besides, why would the newspaper editor ever be put in charge of ordering hardware/software that the MIS department has to approve and order anyway?

There has been a running, fun joke among the newspaper staff and me that nobody really knows what I do for a living. Really, one person writes the main stories, another designs the paper, another sells ads. Other editors submit a column a month. Other than reading/editing everything (which, admittedly, is a suicide-inducing process at best), what do I do? Oh yeah, I sit in meetings, beat my head against blunt objects, defend myself, present ideas that are shot down, beg for change, pray for death (and not always mine), harass finance to pay my vendors, avoid potlucks and other corporate functions and remain on call for the print shop (and go running when they do call).

Oh, I got burned again — Shan and I have been begging ever since our highly successful press conference at the Veggie Patch to do more P.R. because the idiot who’s supposed to be in charge of P.R. is usually in a Zoloft trance (when she’s not trying to hit us when she comes down — I am not joking about this). So the CEO decided (after telling several departments to cut down the number of employees they send to conference) to bring back his beloved (witless) J-Ho, to handle P.R. at the conference. Not only that, but she also gets her own voice mail box at the Veggie Patch. And it was noted both in private and in public that I am to have nothing to do with public relations, even though that’s my “thing.”

How many times am I going to let them plunge the knife in? When am I going to realize that I am held to minimal expectations and just be content to graze the limbo bar once in awhile? If he didn’t approve us to get new computers (which just arrived! yay!), I’d really be mad. ::)

And now I have to leave town to spend a week with these idiots (including J-Ho). And you can see why I’m losing my fucking cookies over here. …

Mmm, cookies. … :9

No, there were no questions on the suckage that has become the official Friday Five, but instead Sir Scott has shown me the light or, rather, at least a non-mindnumbing set of ponderables, courtesy of the ever-insightful Doug.

1. If you were a type of liquor, which would it be, and why? What brand would you be?

Reminds me of a joke my grandmother used to tell — “How does a Frenchman hold his liquor? By the ears!”

Ahem. If that were the case, I’d be Beefeater.

But if I were a sweet, sticky gooey substance (and indeed I am), I might liken myself to Amaretto (Di Saronno, natch!) or Vanilla Stoli.

2. What is the most embarrassing CD in your music collection, and when is the last time you listened to it?

I really don’t have a CD I hide when company’s coming over, although I do have some guilty pleasures on iTunes like 50 Cent’s “In Da Club (Nine Inch Nails mix)” and its counterpart, “In Da Tub,” re-done by Bert & Ernie (“I’m into sitting down/I’m not into standing up/So come give me a hug/If you’re into getting scrubbed!”)

Alas, I have no shame whatsoever. :):

3. If they still had traveling circuses (and god dammit why don’t they!), what would be your favorite freak and why?

There are no traveling circuses because my employer is the last of a dying breed. Although I’d sooner call it “a short mobile home with its wheels shot off” than a “traveling circus.” Semantics aside, though, we will be traveling to our conference next week, so alas, the metaphor fits.

In any event, my favorite freak would be the bearded lady. For those of you who know my boss, well, there you have it.

4. Fill in the blanks: _____ is dumb, but ______ is really freakin’ stupid!

Ow. This hurts my little brain. I agree with Scott that the latter answer should encompass the population of West Virginia, although I really need to stick a Dubya in there somewhere. Same with my little cat Kadi — she’s a think tank on four paws. Oh, wait, that’s a stink tank (flatulent beast). Hmm. I’ve got a thousand work-specific references to insert here, but I’m trying to be nice (and not have to tell long, boring stories!).

How about little dogs picking fights with big dogs at the doggie park is dumb, but Richard Simmons bitch-slapping a fellow airline passenger who made a snark about “Sweating to the Oldies” is really freakin’ stupid?

5. What is the last thing you read in the bathroom?

The bitch on the throne is presently reading the book “The Bitch in the House,” which was a lovely gift from Leslie. I also read the newspaper I edit when I just don’t have enough shit to inspire me. …

This one’s from Chris. Thanks for taking over for me, buddy! 🙂

Today I went through my mail and received my first movie from Netflix, “Chasing Amy.” I opened it gleefully and watched at least a half hour before it hit me … just how lazy as Americans have we become?

I mean, you can get food delivered to you, and I don’t just mean pizza. Chinese, cantonese, Italian, fried chicken … hell, there’s even a kosher food delivery service here. Calorie-packed stuff that takes quite a toll on your wallet and your waistline, which is probably my point. There are many of us who are battling weight issues, and these wonderful ideas of convenience really are just keeping us as a people planted on our asses in front of the TV.

I don’t want to go out on a rant, but on my way to work, I witnessed a street hockey game with a bunch of the neighborhood kids, and I did a double take. You never ever see kids out playing hoops, or hockey, or stickball, or outside JUST BEING KIDS anymore. No need to play real baseball … I have MLB 2004 on Playstation. Fun and entertainment right at your door, no need to venture out.

I’d write more, but my meatball sanwich just arrived. I have to eat quickly, since the pharmacy is dropping off some trojans and warming liquid for me, and the escort service said my redhead should be here within the hour 😛

Re: Gay marriage.

I firmly believe that gays should have the same right as straight folk to marry. I do however, always listen to dissenting opinions when they are lucid, and well thought out (not “because they’re fags” or “what’s next, legalizing beastiality”?) . I post this dissent because it really is the best one yet I have heard, in spite of the fact I disagree with its point. …

“One wildcard in the election year is gay marriages and how the candidates feel about the issue. Personally, I don’t care if it is Adam and Eve or Adam and Steve. However, I don’t think government ever defined marriage (it was defined several thousand years ago by religion) therefore, I don’t think government should be allowed to redefine it.

I do believe if people want to live together and share health benefits and inheritance, they should be allowed to — civil unions are the answer to this problem. I believe in separation of church and state, and therefore I think marriage should stay as it is. Both candidates have opposed gay marriages, but the Republicans will try to pin the vote in Massachusetts on John Kerry.

Then again, I couldn’t stay married myself so who am I to talk about it?”

— John Layfield, former NFL player, guest speaker on of all things, Fox News —

At least it’s not hate-based, as I have heard way too often.

My sinus infection is getting the better of me, and it’s our loooonnnnggg day at the newspaper tonight. Anybody want to guest blog? E-mail me submissions at dawn [at] caterwauling [dot] com — just remember, if you’re going to be offensive, please be sure to offend everyone equally. 😉

*thunk* Ow, that was my head.

I was listening to the radio this morning, and I heard all kinds of descriptions for the characters in our offices. I was particularly intrigued by “Teflon Man,” the guy who comes in three hours late, high-fives the CEO and isn’t held accountable for the projects he was supposed to finish a year ago. I have one of them, and I want to murder him. He brags how he flies under the radar and how he’s protected from the wrath of the rest of us. I hate people who brag when they have not a goddamned reason to be proud — I do my job and do it well, but do you see me strutting around like a horny peacock?

My stupid boss, who is out of town, called me today at 10 at our usual meeting time. I didn’t pick up the phone. She sounded absolutely confused and asked if I got the new camera for the newspaper. She’s as worthless to me when she’s hundreds of miles away as she is when she’s three doors down from me. Even if she were here, all she would be doing is wasting my time asking inane questions to which she will never comprehend the answers anyway. I put my phone on forward.

We have a new proofer this month for the paper, and all I did was ask him to read it with one eye open — I said look, all I want you to do is to read it and make sure we can’t get sued for anything. So he read the top story and just asked Angie to re-write it. I thought it was really a good story, and it was all based on quotes/facts she obtained from people he told us to interview. But he hated the lead (tough shit) and wanted us to shuffle something upward from the last half of the story. It wasn’t a lot of work, but we were stunned for a moment — we’re highly accustomed to people reading the paper and telling us to put commas in places we don’t want to put them. We’ve never gotten REAL feedback on the content before — it was kind of unnerving.

In fact, what my boss Pussy Demure!TM does in her edits is circles stuff and asks questions in writing. Then she’ll give me the proof and say, “Do you have any questions on what I wrote?” So I, of course, say no, I get it. So then she will proceed to go over Every. Little. Punctuation. Mark. in great detail until she is absolutely convinced that I know what she meant by putting, say, a dot where a period should go. *smack*

Have been busy living life instead of just blogging about it. 🙂 How was everyone’s weekend? I’ve missed y’all and will be ’round soon to say howdy!

Quick summary:

1. Took Shan out on Friday night for our first Girls’ Night Out since pre-Alex days. We lasted for four hours before Shan was ready to go home and see her precious little girl (that, and she was really tired!). We went to Bennigan’s in Springfield (as our old faithful Benny’s in Alexandria closed almost a year ago) and wandered over to TGI Friday’s. Wow! it was great to be out and about. And I was shocked to find that there are actually some very attractive people in this city!

2. Went with the gang down to Cafe Japone on Saturday night because Arthur Loves Plastic was spinning at a CD release party for “Savage Bliss.” The cover of said CD was designed by Scot, the same guy who designs my fabulous newspaper every month. I’ve had the CD on heavy rotation in my car since then, and I am digging it! If you like downbeat/trance, support your local, friendly artists and buy a CD!. I picked up her compilation CD, “Ten” today, which is a CD full of MP3s of all of her albums. I think all artists should release all their old stuff like this — it’s easier for us who are newer to their music and don’t want to buy 10 old albums. 🙂

2.b. “Queen of the World” came on just as I was pulling into work. The first two lines, “This job is so beneath me/Indignation seizes me” played as I pulled the key out of the ignition. Holy appropriateness, Batman! 🙂

3. It started raining while we were wandering around Dupont Circle on Saturday, and it’s a toss-up to define which one of us was most upset about the precipitation. Actually, I take that back — with two gay men, two prissy girls and one metrosexual, it just so happens that the metro was the one who was freaking out about how the rain would affect his newly cut-and-styled hair. 🙂 The rest of us knew we were pretty no matter what happened to our hair and makeup!

4. I was wandering around Party City in Springfield yesterday, and I saw all the 30th birthday party favors/invitations in the “Over the Hill” section. Gaah!!! Thank goodness I’m turning back time and only turning 27 this May, or I would’ve been REALLY upset! 😉 Ooh, I also stopped at Borders, and they have sugar-free coffee specialty drinks. Mmm — Cafe Milano. Woo hoo! It’s the little things in life, ya know?

5. It’s production week with the newspaper, so I’ll be busier than a one-armed coat hanger, especially ’cause we’re preparing to leave the state for our annual conference next week. Of course, every day, minute, hour, week, etc. at my work is a P-R-O-D-U-C-T-I-O-N, so it isn’t exactly unfamiliar territory. However, after some minor insults from the CEO last week, it was decided that we should upgrade all the Macs in the office to G5s. Yay! His annual evaluation should come around more often! (Maybe it’s wrong of me to tie the two together, but the timing couldn’t be better. I’ll have to remember that if I’m here next year at this time — save all requests for when he’s hoping for a favorable review!)

This hits too close to home, given that I was out doing P.R. for my new business today (a P.R. business, incidentally). Boy, do I have fresh opinions on all of these questions!

If you…

1. …owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve?

American food. And some Irish cuisine. Best to bring in the heavy drinkers and then offer nice, filling food for them to munch on before they go out scaring innocent pedestrians. 🙂 But I would at least play different kinds of music and get some theme nights going (music, dancing, food, etc.) to mix shit up and try to attract the customers with money to burn.

2. …owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell?

Probably jewelry. It’s cheap and easy to make, and you can sell it at a big profit because people are dumb enough to pay for just about anything that says “hand-crafted.” I might also have to specialize in books and coffee, too — maybe offer Anais Nin/Henry Miller-type books and a damn good latte to help you swallow it!

3. …wrote a book, what genre would it be?

Erotica. Like you couldn’t have guessed!

4. …ran a school, what would you teach?

I would teach kids in their mid-teens life skills — I was a super-smart kid who was bored witless all the time and was never really challenged in my academic work, not to mention that I lacked the common sense gene that could have kept me from running up massive amounts of credit card debt. I’d like to save kids before they fuck things up for themselves like I did — ’cause I will be paying for my mistakes for at least the next 20 years!

5. …recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it?

Lesbian angst rock, I’m sure, a la Melissa Etheridge, Ani DiFranco and the Lilith Fair genre. Of course, I might have to make some house/techno songs too, because I cannot live with ballads alone — I’d want to do stuff like Arthur Loves Plastic, whom we happen to be going out to see tomorrow night at Cafe Japone! Come out and join us!!!

I hereby nominate this for the next Stella Award:

“Couple arrested after ‘Passion’ fight.” Abstract: Wacky worshippers see religious movie, fight about it and call the cops on each other. Jesus H!!!

(Props to Shawn for the tip!)