Caterwauling

For those who don’t know my mom, for shame. You’d love her.

I quote:

“Hey, have you ever used that KY Warming Liquid? I’ll bet that would make for a really good handjob! Let me know if you try it, OK?”

What was…

1. …your first grade teacher’s name?

Raving Bitch Mrs. Dominick. She always called us “People,” as in “People, please be quiet. People, we are opening our books. People, I am the wicked witch of Pennsylvania.” She annoyed the hell outta me at age 6!

Plus, she was evil. One day, I really had to go to the bathroom, but she wouldn’t let me. It was near the end of the schoolday, and she told me to wait till I got home. So, I had to get revenge. Even though I was a little priss, I went back to my seat and peed right there. Ugh. But boy, did I feel better! A few weeks later, the same scenario happened — she told me I couldn’t take the hallpass to go potty and that I should wait till I got home, so I went and peed on the floor again. After that, I ALWAYS got to go to the lavatory when I asked!!!

2. …your favorite Saturday morning cartoon?

You know you’re old when the memory of Saturday morning cartoons bring a smile to your face. I always loved “Garfield and Friends” (surprise) but was a loyal follower of “The Smurfs,” “The Snorks” (?) and pretty much whatever else was showing. I never slept in on Saturdays back then!

3. …the name of your very first best friend?

I hated pretty much everybody I knew as a kid, and my mom never really let me play with anyone ’cause she’s just phobic like that. I guess Judd was my first best friend, in fifth grade, but sometime in our mid-college years, we realized that we thought the other person was a real asshole, and that ended that.

4. …your favorite breakfast cereal?

I haven’t had cereal in like years, but I remember in college, we always ate granola cereal smothered in chocolate milk. Mmmm.

5. …your favorite thing to do after school?

Masturbate Mom would give me some kind of treat and park me in front of the TV till dinner was ready, back when I was young. But in later years, I loved going home, locking myself in my bedroom and outlining the novels I planned to write. Hell, I even wrote a book once (when I was 14). It sucks monkey balls, but I loved writing it after dreaming all day in school what I wanted my characters to do.