Caterwauling

Is anything going to go right today? Between the ad rep being on the rag and the CEO suddenly asking for my P.R. ideas (for Town Crier and J-Ho of all people to implement them!), I’m ready to resign. Kill me.

I am not as young as I used to be. Cripes, I’m not even 30 yet, and I feel decrepit from one night out. I woke up at 2:30 p.m. and proceeded to do not a goddamned thing for hours. I did clean the bathroom and give myself a foot bath, but that’s all I accomplished. It kind of reminds me of the old days — go out Saturday night and spend Sunday recovering. The problem is that I only had four drinks and danced for four hours. In my “youth,” that was only a pre-party! Oh, old age, why have you crept up on me so quickly?

OMG, it’s after 5 a.m. and I just got home from my wild night out. My back hurts from driving about 60 miles all told, and my feet are sore from dancing up a storm.

Madonna songs were playing when we entered and left Nation. We did the “Safety Dance” and the “Electric Slide,” although my favorite was bopping around to “Cruel Summer,” “Let the Music Play,” Prince and Kajagoogoo and all kinds of other ’80s favorites.

We went to see Mikey dance (and he was fabulous! He really stood out even though he was in a troupe, but he was the lead dancer for most of it and rocked our slouch socks!). We were also treated to a live performance from Milli Vanilli the Pointer Sisters a Pointer Sister. Bonnie, I think. The Pointless Sister, as I called her. She looked like a drag queen. She was in Daisy Dukes and a sparkly titty top. I thought she looked bloated, but Shawn insisted she must’ve been pregnant. In any event, poor costume choice. *shudder*

She was clearly lip-synching, only there was no, well, synchronicity to the music. She was also doing fan-kicks and nearly got killed by a guy she brought on stage who could kick better than she could. She was in white platform shoes that were clearly too big for her, and we were waiting for her to flip right off the stage. I would have liked to have consumed whatever drugs she was kraked out on, because she was higher than the balcony we were standing on.

Her black pantyhose had a big hole right near the crotch. I suggested to Shawn (who thought it was a drag queen and NOT a Sister — more like WonderDragWoman, with her wild twirls and shit) that maybe that’s the hole where s/he pees out of. We were laughing like idiots, and the guys standing nearby were snickering at our many cracks as well. This clinches it — we need our own talk radio show, because we were way funnier than any D.J. could have been! Oh, how I LONGED to have my blog fired up for a blow-by-blow!

Nation had a huge-ass Rubik’s cube dangling from the ceiling. We rather enjoyed seeing that — it was far more interesting than the “live” show, that’s for sure! I’ll bet Bonnie had to pay to get in, and we wondered where the other Sisters were, but they were probably partying down the street at the strip club instead. 🙂

Needless to say, we got happily trashed before and after the (I’m not kidding) 20-minute show, and we danced like fools on the balcony. And when the management decided to close off our floor, we went downstairs and danced lots more.

I got a rose from a guy selling them. He approached me and tried to get me to have one of my four guy friends buy me one. Um. It’s a gay bar. Yeah. Like that was gonna happen. So he came back and tried to HIT ON ME!!! I gave him a fake name, and when he asked where I lived, I knew he was going to say he was from the same place. Sure enough, he said he was from Alexandria. Figures. He also had a glaringly obvious gold wedding ring on his finger, but he proceeded to ask for my phone number so we could go out on a date. I said look, dude, I’m a big flamin’ lesbo. And he was gracious enough to not push the issue, but he did give me a beautiful white blooming rose. He even picked off the thorns! I ended up giving the rose to Mikey for his brilliant performance, and he tossed it into the crowd below us so we didn’t have to remember Creepy Guy who had provided it in the first place.

On the lower dance floor, I had a guy hugging me and grinding up against me for several songs. I think he had even approached me on the balcony, but I was buzzed and couldn’t remember clearly. He was cute — in a tuxedo shirt and black dress pants. I don’t know how it is that I manage to ALWAYS pick up men in that particular bar, but it’s entertaining. It definitely took the edge off of seeing an (I assume) drug bust when we walked in. Bah. We did stick to alcohol, although I do forsee a rolling event in my near future, ’cause it’s just weird to be at that bar without hallucinogenic substances to make it more amusing. Of course, the music was all wrong for anything but alcohol.

Mikey looked awesome. So did the rest of our crew. We all had a hideous 2003, but it looks like 2004 really is shaping up to be a phenomenal year for all of us. I couldn’t get over how many compliments with which the boys were showering me — apparently I actually seem happy and peaceful. Who’da thunk it? In any event, we all had that “we’re-gonna-have-a-great-time-tonight” glow, and that’s exactly what we did. It was like a big gay prom, and it was fabulous! A GRRREAATT night indeed!!!

And now I’m too freakin’ wired to sleep. 🙂

Subtitle: Gettin’ purty

Gettin’ ready to see the Pointer Sisters at Nation tonight. In honor of the ’80s theme, I have sufficiently ruined curled and fried and teased my hair so much that it looks like it did in my senior high middle school yearbook. I’ve got the makeup down pat, to the pale lips and dark eye stuff going (but I adamantly refused to put on blue eyeshadow. In a room full of 800 gay men, I can go retro but NOT tacky!!!).

In other words, ’80s night down here means that everyone is going to look like a Pittsburgher — circa 2003. Hah! 🙂

It’s a well-deserved night out, and I’m sure I’m gonna get in trouble. Some people try to avoid it, but I embrace it.

In any event, I’ve got miles to go (and four cities to hit, most of them twice!) before I sleep. Don’t wait up, and hope you have a rockin’ Saturday night too!

100 things about your Caterwauling hostess

1. Gemini (and appropriately as bipolar as they come!)

2. Irish (yes, red hair, green eyes, freckles, pale … the works!)

3. Reared by my darling single mom and my grandparents

4. Currently trying to do the Atkins diet (meat and cheese lovers unite!)

5. Love to talk about sex

6. Love to have sex

7. Need to have more sex

8. Own a Pandora’s box of toys and porn

9. Use items in No. 8 regularly.

10. Purchase batteries by the case when in a dry spell

11. Am experiencing a dry spell right now

12. The carpet doesn’t match the drapes

13. I prefer to pull up the carpet and maintain hardwood floors during the summer months

14. The color of the drapes changes often, whether with a bottle or with the sun

15. I think Clay Aiken should’ve won the second season of “American Idol”

16. I can’t sing worth a shit

17. I hate to cook, but I can make yummy gourmet treats on a moment’s notice

18. I’m a writer and editor by profession

19. I wrote my first book at age 14, called “Ace of Hearts”

20. I started planning a six-book fictional series when I finished the book in No. 19.

21. I started writing the books in No. 20 to be geared toward teen-agers, but my word processor jammed and I could never get the disks to boot — I lost about 25 chapters of stories.

22. I have kept a box, marked “Bondage Materials,” with almost everything I have written since I was in the eighth grade.

23. My diaries from my early years are too painful to read

24. I stopped keeping a diary when I started my blog (Sept. 2001)

25. I started writing poetry in the fifth grade

26. I have written more than 100 poems since then

27. I stopped writing poetry in 2001

28. My poetry is always inspired by heartbreak

29. I would rather hate someone than feel indifferent toward him or her

30. I’ve felt love for many people, but I’ve never been in love

31. If you mess with any of my friends, you had better be ready for me to beat your ass

32. I have verbal diarrhea

33. I make lots of crass jokes

34. I am an equal opportunity offender

35. I type 100-130 wpm. And it’s accurate except for when I’m drinking

36. I lose my train of thought easily

37. But once I start a project, I go full-speed ahead until it’s satisfactory to meet my high standards

38. I can multi-task with the best of them

39. I hate when people refer to themselves in the third person

40. My favorite shows are “Sex and the City,” “Six Feet Under” and “Out of Order”

41. I own 360 CDs

42. I have 8 gigabytes worth of songs on my iTunes at work

43. I call my employer Club Medicated, the Veggie Patch and Club Dead

44. I want to start my own party-planning business, called Paint the Town

45. I own the domains www.clubmedicated.com, www.shitshoveler.com (I’d like to make it into a site where people can complain about their jobs, and I’d also like to make a greeting card line for disgruntled employees available on that site) and www.caterwauling.com

46. I am an active volunteer

47. I am an expert fund-raising/public relations professional

48. And I can throw a mean gala event and get even the most mundane corporate occurrences in the news

49. I have a phenomenal Calico cat who’s been with me since 1996. She was born April 2

50. But she was an inadvertent gift from my friend Shawn, who asked me to keep her temporarily. I didn’t want to give her back. So I didn’t. Even though I am allergic to pet hair.

51. I have a black kitten named Kadi who also answers to the name “Short Bus” — her birthday is June 6, 2003 (and I figure she was born at 6 p.m. — note all the sixes in that number!)

52. I lived in Pittsburgh for the first 28 years of my life

53. I moved to Alexandria, Va., on a whim after my 28th birthday

54. I’m still in Alexandria and have no plans to leave the area anytime soon

55. I’ve never seen the ocean

56. I don’t know how to swim

57. I call my family “The Mansons”

58. Mom taught me all I know about sex

59. Now I teach her stuff

60. Mom and I purchase vibrators for each other

61. Hers is nicknamed “Tiger Lily” because it’s a tiger theme. I do not name my toys

62. I once used a vibrator so much that it broke while it was in use

63. I love fireworks

64. I once designed a holiday ornament that sold in department stores — it had a fireworks theme

65. 16,000 of those ornaments sold within a three-week period

66. I am a Mac user

67. I’m farsighted but hate to wear my glasses

68. I am agnostic

69. I used to be able to put my ankles behind my ears

70. Jon Bon Jovi is my hero

71. Melissa Etheridge is my idol

72. I never tell people when I have a crush on them

73. Online dating has produced dismal results for me

74. Other forms of dating have been equally dismal thus far, as well

75. I’m terrible at keeping up with my friends

76. But I’d do absolutely anything for my friends

77. I get my nails done every two weeks

78. I’m a moaner

79. I love to kiss

80. I am an experienced stalker

81. Yes, I do sometimes use my powers for good

82. I hate discussing politics, but I do have my passionate issues

83. I’ve been a Democrat and an Independent, but now I have no party affiliation but I am registered to vote

84. I don’t participate in male-bashing; I just trash individual assholes (of any gender) one by one

85. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit next to me.” (line stolen from “Steel Magnolias”)

86. I think women can be even bigger assholes than men

87. I am angered by animal abuse

88. And I get pissed off when human rights and freedoms are in jeopardy

89. I’m in favor of reproductive freedoms and gay marriage

90. I think owning your own business is the only way to be happy in your vocation, but I applaud people who can actually tolerate their employer’s semantics and do a good job despite that

91. Lazy people annoy the shit out of me. Pull your fucking load because I am not paid to do your work, too

92. I’m a raving insomniac

93. My favorite scents are eucalyptus-spearmint, sandalwood and patchouli

94. My favorite perfumes are Ralph Lauren Romance, Estee Lauder Intuition, Chopard Casmir, Calvin Klein Obsession and anything else with a vanilla base. Bath & Body Works’ warm vanilla sugar line is a regular staple in my powder room.

95. I prefer men’s colognes to women’s perfumes — Drakkar, Polo, etc. The blue Softsoap for Men is my favorite and the cobalt blue liquid matches my bathroom

96. Birthday: May 25. The year varies depending which birthday is approaching!

97. I don’t drink alcohol much anymore, but I can hold my own with the best of ’em

98. If someone treats me really well, I wonder what they’re up to and what they want from me

99. I long for love and passion and can’t say I’ve ever experienced either

100. Love and sex have always been separate in my life, but I hope that changes sometime soon!

Krispy Kreme plans low-sugar alternative.

Damn, I’ve been missing those hot, glazed wonders. *drool*

Ooh, I am simmering.

I wrote a letter yesterday, trying to contact an actor who won an Oscar recently. This actor said something that directly relates to the work I do, and I wanted an interview. Shan got the actor’s publicist’s address, and I think I wrote a brilliant, sincere plea for an interview — the secret, of course, is to congratulate the thespian in question. I’ve written hundreds of letters like this. Worked most of the time, too. Shan and I had also had a secondary thought of getting the actor to come to our upcoming conference (as we have NO keynote speaker!), but the way shit stalls in upper management around here, we’d be on our 2006 conference before I got approval to send THIS letter!

Well, King Kumquat (Cruise Director of Club Medicated) cornered me today and told me that I am to do absolutely no outreach. “Even though that’s your ‘thing’,” he snarled, seemingly making fun of me for having passion and ability for something other than vegetating for eight hours a day. I was thinking What. The. Fuck?!?! Was he serious? He related it to our upcoming conference, that I am to do nothing for the conference other than my job. “Your job is to be editor of (The Veggie Patch Gazette), not to do outreach for the event.” (Hey asshole, I’m also working on the opening ceremonies. Get over it!)

The unfortunate part is that this was witnessed by one of my staff members. You know, normally I would never endorse humiliating someone in front of their staff, but I derived some eerie satisfaction from my staff realizing that I am not making this shit up when I pass along tales of caution — it’s not that I discourage excellence (I accept nothing less) but I do remind my wards that mediocrity is what is rewarded and that innovation gets you patted on the head with a steel spike.

The only thing that makes me feel better was that I was ranting about Cruise Director when he appeared. See, we were contacted two days ago to say, “(Cruise Director) would like to meet with you for 10 or 15 minutes to see how things are going and to get your ideas.” Fucking yeah, whatever. Twenty-four hours later, we got our (Cruise Director) annual performance evaluation forms (that they claim are confidential), and one of the many items to rate him on is “Open to New Ideas/Shows Respect For Others and Their Ideas.” *snerk* Coincidence that he suddenly wanted to hear our ideas? Fucking bullshit.

Yeah, it’s “my thing” to want to do promotions and outreach. But god forbid I do anything that might help this company out of its downward spiral — god forbid I volunteer my talents and initiative and EXPERIENCE to help this shithole out. He acted like I have a disease that might be contagious — yeah, as if anyone around here would want to be bitten by any bug that might make them want to do something other than sitting on their asses and playing solitaire!!!

The same questions from March 7, 2003, here to grace us again but hopefully with new answers!

1. What was the last song you heard?

“Here Without You,” Three Doors Down

2. What were the last two movies you saw?

“The Butterfly Effect” and “The Craft”

3. What were the last three things you purchased?

Groceries, a pair of shoes and lots of shit from Wallyworld

4. What four things do you need to do this weekend?

Clean the bathroom, go see the Pointer Sisters at Nation with the boys (our friend is a backup dancer, so we’re really going to see him!), pay bills and masturbate. Although, not in that particular order!

5. Who are the last five people you talked to?

Pussy Demure!TM (who is leaving town today and not coming back till April! woo hoo!), Angie, Shan, Ted and a travel agent (to get plane tickets to Kansas City later this month. Yay).

Not quite so juicy as yesterday’s. (Huh uh huh huh huh, she said “juicy.”) But something to chew on.

Remember the guy I mentioned with the dog? He also owns a 60″ Plasma TV. And bragged about it religiously. A la the questions “Carrie” used to ask at the beginning of each episode of “Sex and the City,” I have to ask: “Have big-screen TVs replaced the little red sportscars of decades past?”

Granted, I dated a guy with a red sports car who wasn’t compensating for anything other than a lack of brains. But whenever I see someone in a penis car, I immediately assume that they’re screaming, “Look at my car, not at my dick!” But these days, I hear from way too many guys about how big their televisions are — something tells me that the bigger the screen, the smaller the ween. Just a thought.

And if you want to know about the guy with the 60″ TV, let’s just say that either I’ve got a cavernous pussy (thanks to Shawn for the phrase!) or he buys the KY Jelly special with a free gift of tweezers.

On that note, let’s hear some “Short Dick Man”!

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