Caterwauling

Found this venti dose of humor brewing over at Bill’s.

There was a fantabulous headline in the Chicago Sun-Times yesterday: “Rosie O’Donnell weds, slams Bush.” This got much giggling and entertainment value at the Caterwauling hacienda. But the story is nowhere to be found today — could the editors have finally realized what the masses thought the headline really meant?

For those who don’t know my mom, for shame. You’d love her.

I quote:

“Hey, have you ever used that KY Warming Liquid? I’ll bet that would make for a really good handjob! Let me know if you try it, OK?”

What was…

1. …your first grade teacher’s name?

Raving Bitch Mrs. Dominick. She always called us “People,” as in “People, please be quiet. People, we are opening our books. People, I am the wicked witch of Pennsylvania.” She annoyed the hell outta me at age 6!

Plus, she was evil. One day, I really had to go to the bathroom, but she wouldn’t let me. It was near the end of the schoolday, and she told me to wait till I got home. So, I had to get revenge. Even though I was a little priss, I went back to my seat and peed right there. Ugh. But boy, did I feel better! A few weeks later, the same scenario happened — she told me I couldn’t take the hallpass to go potty and that I should wait till I got home, so I went and peed on the floor again. After that, I ALWAYS got to go to the lavatory when I asked!!!

2. …your favorite Saturday morning cartoon?

You know you’re old when the memory of Saturday morning cartoons bring a smile to your face. I always loved “Garfield and Friends” (surprise) but was a loyal follower of “The Smurfs,” “The Snorks” (?) and pretty much whatever else was showing. I never slept in on Saturdays back then!

3. …the name of your very first best friend?

I hated pretty much everybody I knew as a kid, and my mom never really let me play with anyone ’cause she’s just phobic like that. I guess Judd was my first best friend, in fifth grade, but sometime in our mid-college years, we realized that we thought the other person was a real asshole, and that ended that.

4. …your favorite breakfast cereal?

I haven’t had cereal in like years, but I remember in college, we always ate granola cereal smothered in chocolate milk. Mmmm.

5. …your favorite thing to do after school?

Masturbate Mom would give me some kind of treat and park me in front of the TV till dinner was ready, back when I was young. But in later years, I loved going home, locking myself in my bedroom and outlining the novels I planned to write. Hell, I even wrote a book once (when I was 14). It sucks monkey balls, but I loved writing it after dreaming all day in school what I wanted my characters to do.

“American Idol” was just for shit last night. Really. And this is the second week in a row that I’ve voted for one of the winners, but that’s not what I’m annoyed about. Did you catch the camera angles, or, rather, lack thereof? It’s like all the videographers were whacking off when someone would say, “Camera Two!” And Camera Two’s lens was on the screaming chick’s ass or the redheaded boy’s eyebrow or someone else’s hairline. Ugh. It was like watching “Arrested Development” — I was nauseated the whole half hour of the program.

Next week’s Wild Card show promises to be good — they brought back people I voted for who lost, although why they picked three out of last night’s cesspool is beyond me. I can’t believe the 16-year-old Dean Martin crooner was America’s top choice last night, but crazier still that the Idol producers didn’t bring back Scooter Girl or the chick who sang a song about her gay boyfriend in the Hollywood elimination rounds. Yeah, I know, they only picked people who had already starred in a semi-finals show, but still. It’s like listening to mental patients screaming for meds, the talent has been so lacking lately. God.

You all know I am a Melissa Etheridge fan, but after Lisa Wilson YELLED “Come to My Window,” I had to delete the song from its heavy iTunes rotation. Seriously, it takes a lot for me to hate a song (usually it happens only after I associate a song with someone I come to abhor), and well, she did it. Congratulations for giving me the heebs, Lisa. Practice before the next time you sing, mmm kay?

It’s a girlpower kind of day. …

Liz Phair, “Extaordinary”

Berlin, “Take My Breath Away (remix)”

Toni Braxton, “Unbreak My Heart (remix)”

Patty Smyth, “Wish I Were You”

Beth Hart, “World Without You”

Joss Stone, “The Chokin’ Kind”

I’m …

Your Sign Is: Slippery When Wet

You’re hot and sensual, and not exactly shy about it

You show off your assets constantly, and take whatever comes from it

“Work it” is a concept you’ve perfected, and you’re the sexiest person everyone knows

You’re shameless in how far you are willing to flirt… often with messy consequences

What’s Your Street Sign?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

It wasn’t the four meetings I sat in, of course, that made my day. But a nice dinner with Ted helped to take the edge off.

But I do want to relate some funny conversations during my first meeting:

On the prospect of the restaurant next door finally re-opening, Martha said that, on the side that overlooks Alexandria, couples were always making out in the parking lot after the bar closed. I told her I had been there after hours, but all I remember doing was puking in the parking lot a few times. So she said, “You were one of those people making out, weren’t you?” And I had to say, “No comment!” (Aside to the blog: I’ve made out in that parking lot. The throwing up happened immediately afterward!)

Also on the restaurant, she said something she hated about the place, and I said how I hated all the sleazy guys who went there on Friday nights. So she asked, “What were YOU doing there on Friday nights?” And Scot said, “Picking up sleazy guys, apparently!”

Some people take minutes at meetings. I simply take account of the moments that I didn’t want to slit my wrists with the nearest letter opener. 🙂

Make William Hung dance!!!

“Drunken Polish nun crashes her tractor.”

(From Shawn via Scott.)