Caterwauling

The lying starts here, friends. 🙂

Spent much of yesterday talking with my friends/colleagues about paying attention to spirit guides, patterns in our lives and signs that we’re on course. I wish I had taken notes during the discussion — I felt so empowered in the reminders and insights into the fact that I am so much more than I give myself credit for, and I can BE so much more. I decided it was like a two-hour orgasm, the way my heart was pulsating and my mind was racing.

Sure, work has been particularly stressful lately (not to mention that I accidentally replied to a message from Frosty instead of forwarding it to my friends with my snarky remarks!), but she’ll get over it, and so will I. A new zen has taken hold of me — the voices tell me not to worry, and damn it, I’m listening to them.

Speaking of paying attention to the voices in your head, I was on the couch last night, doing some reading, and I suddenly said out loud, “Dawn, call your mother.” So I did. She sounded stunned to hear from me, telling me, “How funny — I just said to myself, ‘Dawn, call your mother,’ because I hadn’t heard from you in a week and was hoping you were OK.” How wild is THAT?

Anyway, I was reminded that your heart knows exactly what you should be doing, even though we squelch it with logic, with excuses, with procrastination. Don’t fall or continue to fal into that, friends — show the world what you’re made of! I’ll be right there beside you, shining myself. …

The wedding was amazing. Absolutely and utterly breathtaking. The ceremony was appropriately spiritual, my reading went well, the food was delectable, the guests were beautiful and the grooms were attractive and well-spoken.

The best part of the ceremony was when the boys recited their own vows. Not a dry eye within four city blocks, my friends … including mine. I was talking to Paul’s friend Ann, who flew in from California for the wedding, and we were saying how so many times you leave a wedding, and you start taking bets on how long it will last. Yet with them, we really viewed yesterday as a continuation of the journey — a milestone to be marked for Bryan and Paul.

Paul told the story of how they met — rather, of how love takes its own course. They met near the museum where they were married. What if they had crossed the street in different places, if they did not see each other on the sidewalk? It was a wonderful lesson in taking the time to make sure that you realize that the love of your life could be two feet from you at any given time, and you need to be aware that the person who will change your life is literally within arm’s reach, so don’t miss out. They spoke of weathering the course together, of learning from each other, of Paul picking up a paintbrush and writing poetry — things he may never have done, had Bryan not encouraged him to do so because those were passions of Bryan’s own (aside to readers: Paul has become an amazing artist and poet — you’d never think he hadn’t been doing those things all his life!).

Personally, I absolutely fell in love with their families and friends. I was continually amazed how many people approached me and said, “So YOU’RE the Dawn I’ve been hearing so much about! I’m glad to finally have a face to put with all the stories!” And likewise, the same was true in their cases. One thing I have always loved about the boys is how POSITIVE they are to be around — how every encounter, every outing, every conversation becomes a cherished memory for them. Every photo they show me has a story behind it — the fragrance in the air, the taste of the food, the shape of the clouds in the sky, the crazy discussion that had been taking place prior to the flash going off.

You simply cannot have these boys in your life and not be touched by the significance and wonder of absolutely everything around them … and you. I am a better person for knowing them, and I have been so enriched by us being a part of each other’s courses in life.

There’s so much more to say, but I’d like to keep pondering, keep smiling, keep laughing out loud at silly moments as well as significant ones. But I will close on a note from the boys’ toast at the reception — they thanked us for making a special day an ordinary one as well. Instead of us thinking for a second that what they were doing was off-the-wall or inappropriate, we viewed it as an ordinary, expected ritual for two people in love — we did not treat it as anything more or less — we got dressed up and spent the day together in the most loving of ways. And someday, gay marriage will, in fact, be ordinary, and we can focus only on celebrating special people who fall in love, just like we did yesterday.

For those of you out there who are celebrating my friends and your friends just like them, thank you for fighting the good fight with us. 🙂

The oh-so-scandalous black mesh ruffly boy-short underwear with the tiny pink dots and pink ribbon waist that I have been saving for today do NOT go well under pantyhose. The ruffles curl up in the back and cause a major panty line. *sigh* I guess I have to settle for not-so-scandalous satin wonders. Bummer.

Wedding belles

It’s funny how you look so very forward to a day that it seems like it’s an eternity away, and then, before you know it, you awaken and realize that it’s the day two of your best friends are getting married.

Kind of like when you’re dyeing your hair — that 25 minutes to leave it on seems soooo far away, but then you look at a clock and it’s already time to rinse!

Today at 2:30 p.m., Bryan and Paul will, at what is sure to be a beautiful ceremony, say their vows and officially unite. Sure, gay marriage still is a long ways away from happening in Virginia, but their pastor has enthusiastically agreed to perform what, for all intents and purposes, is a wedding, just without the paperwork that goes along with it.

I had the pleasure of meeting their families at a rehearsal last night. Not that I can remember most of their names, but it was so heartwarming to meet these individuals from all corners of the country about whom the boys are always talking — the people who made them the amazing human beings they are today. Ironically, both Bryan and Paul are twins, so I could easily pick out the more-familiar-looking audience members with ease. It was empowering to be surrounded by parents and brothers and friends — and everyone in the room looked thrilled and comfortable and eager to support what their beloved boys are doing.

I made fast friends with Rehka, another member of the wedding party whose son is the ringbearer. She was having a “shoe dilemma,” so we figured out what she was wearing and how I could help (my closet looks like a Payless/Marshall’s disaster sale), and we wear roughly the same size, so I’m bringing some shoes and we’ll have a little fashion show before the event. 🙂 We talked this morning, and I really like her and hope to keep up our connection after the ceremony/reception.

Her son is thrilled to be the ringbearer, although he would rather that Bryan were marrying his mom instead of Paul! At his precious 7 years old, when he realized that Bryan is marrying Paul, he asked, “Mom, is Bryan queer?” And last night, apparently there was a special on “20/20” about transsexuals, and he wanted to know what that was all about and if transsexuals are gay. He is so precocious — we sure as hell weren’t asking questions like that at 7! And the cool thing was, he really wanted to know the answers, and she sounds like she explained them very well. She’s just hoping he will keep still during the ceremony — it’s so tough to be that little and so inquisitive and yet have to pay attention, but I think he’ll be interested to watch. He already knows it’s a big-boy job and it’s a real honor to be part of this special day, so all shall be well.

I am doing a reading at the event. It’s short but it has lots of religious reference (as, of course, it is from the Bible and all. …). There will be no microphone, so Paul instructed me to use my “big-girl voice.” LOL. If lightning doesn’t strike and I don’t go *poof* when the lightning hits, I should be fine! But it’s a long way to the fire exits, so hope for the best, friends!

As an attendant in the wedding, I feel like I am participating in something special — monumental, even. It’s always a treat when people fall in love and take the next step to cement that bond for life. But we’re also in highly politically charged times, and it’s mind-boggling to realize that someday, couples like these fabulous guys won’t have to be ignored by our state or country — that maybe, future generations who wish to wed (no matter which combination of genders approaches the altar) will do so with ease.

They asked us to not do wedding gifts — all they want is for us to be there. They did suggest that, if we were so inclined, we could make a donation to a favorite charity. I found a site, Married for Good, where you can find a palette of worthy causes where you can honor your favorite couple with a donation. But did I? Not yet. Is it tacky to make a donation or give a gift after the wedding? I swear, the past few months have been c-h-a-o-t-i-c, and I thought I had all the time in the world to come up with something. But alas, the day has arrived, and I have ideas but nothing to show for it.

Anwyho, the time has come to rinse my hair (I’m going to try being a brunette for awhile — maybe it’ll make me smarter!), as well as to slap on the self-tanner and do all the girly rituals that come with being a bridesmaid. Wish our boys luck today and always, and pray I don’t fall in front of all the guests!!!

Updated, being that I’m at work at 10 p.m. and can’t log into the fucking server and I need to do something creative with my time. …

I don’t have time to answer right now (read: it’s a furlough day and I am working unpaid!), but Feel free to steal ’em and answer ’em. The credit should go to the cool kids linked in Question 5. …

1. Weird uses for animal excrement: scientists in South Korea are developing a medicine from pig urine (note: American scientists did this first!), and yuppies worldwide are shelling out $200 per pound for a rare coffee bean harvested from animal feces. What is wrong with yuppies, that they pay hundreds of dollars to literally consume shit? If you had to use waste for any reason other than its intended use (ie., to be flushed), what would you do?

No poop. Will not touch it. But I hear that there is cow dung in my beloved Nag Champa incense, and it smells damn good, so use it for that. Just don’t ask me to touch it in its raw form.

2. When alt-weeklies fight: it’s rare a city has more than one alternative newsweekly, if at all, but Seattle, lucky home to thousands of young, angsty, hipsters, has two, and they are waging a war against each other right now for market share. What do you think of the alternative press? 

Pittsburgh had two as well. I used to pick them both up — the IP had better editorial content and the City Paper had the Savage Love and better personal ads. I can’t remember which one had better cartoons, but at least that was the main difference between the two. They were fairly interchangeable, because the alternative press thrives on advertising and not much else — same ads, different papers.

That said, I can’t ever find a Washington City Paper to save my life, and they even print at Gannett, like I do, but I can’t even find a fucking draft of it floating around the print shop. Sure, if I would actually go into the city, I’d find one, but who’d want to do that? I made two trips to Old Town today (and one more tomorrow), and that’s enough city driving/parking for me for a lifetime!

3. From News of the Weird: University of Southern California researchers announced in February that they were able to breed mice with a certain skin gene “overexpressed,” resulting in the mices’ growing thicker hair, more whiskers and “significantly larger” “external genitalia.” How do you feel about cosmetic surgery? Genital enhancers? If you were given a coupon worth one free visit to the neighborhood surgeon, would you use it? What would you change?

Oh HELL yeah, I would do cosmetic surgery! I want to be on “The Swan,” FOX’s latest reality show disaster. I want the lipo and everything that follows. Sign my homely ass UP!!!

Genital enhancers? Who doesn’t want a bigger cock? I like to feel “filled up” — and it wouldn’t take $30 to fill up my tank!!! 😉

4. Summertime in DC means heat, and heat means…water sports! (No, not that kind, pervert!) Community swimming pools: neighborhood fun, or a percolator for disease?

Is this a rhetorical question? Bah. I keep hearing in the Pittsburgh news how they have no money to open up the community pools, and I say so be it. We had some creative names for the public pools (especially the one at Highland Park), but suffice to say I won’t mention them here other than to say that you have to look at what kinds of people are attracted to free pool access … namely, the unwashed masses. *twitch*

5. And now a selfish question from the writers of the Friday Five, who are having a cookout today: what are the keys to grilling a perfect piece of meat?

Marinades and spices can fix up any piece of meat and make it special. Try some Creole seasoning or any kind of chipotle or raspberry marinade. Can’t go wrong!

I also like to tenderize meat as a stress reliever. Take a hammer and whack the fuck out of it, I say. My mom, when she was fighting with my former and always evil step-father, would pretend slabs of meat were his head. Our steaks were always so tender after that. …

This is for all the girls out there — when this is the first song you hear in the morning, you become invincible, I tell you!

Queen of the World by Arthur Loves Plastic.

Demure!TM was sniffing around, asking lots of questions about whether I would want an additional staff person and how I would use him/her. I had lots to say (about how I’d rather up my freelance budget instead), but the bottom line is that she was clearly concerned about the “line of succession” — i.e., they are anticipating I’m gonna jet outta here soon. I expressed interest in cross-training in other departments, working from home and delegating more to freelancers while keeping my current team intact.

I’m sure nothing will come of it, but it is distracting me from the all-nighter that I KNOW I’m gonna be pulling tonight. …

I am going to have a better day than yesterday. Really, it shouldn’t be too hard to improve upon nothing. 😉

I decided that whether or not I make another monumental move, I have to work on me. The Dawn of five years ago, I’ve decided, would’ve despised the woman she’d become. The Dawn of today has been increasingly too mentally exhausted to notice the difference or even care.

My evolution (or descent, if you will) started five years ago. I was never politically correct — my mission in life was to have a ball, at any cost. People came in and out of my life, as I did with theirs, and we all learned from each other and moved on. Jobs were secondary to a social life. But then I started working all-consuming jobs that required me to watch every word I said and every action I did. I learned that flying under the radar was best — if I went unnoticed, I stayed out of trouble, for the most part. I gave up being the squeaky wheel in favor of becoming passive-aggressive in all areas of my life. The end result? I am a walking pressure cooker.

Particularly in the D.C. region, everyone is like that. If you cut off someone in traffic or flip them off or remind them that their name should have been “asshole,” as I often do, people snap. Don’t ever cut me off in traffic, or I will tailgate your ass till you move out of my way. And lots of us are like that. I think we are so frustrated and so in a hurry to go nowhere that we forget common courtesy and just can’t forgive the random stranger who happens to perturb us. I find I don’t get really angry at the big things, but I get really pissed off at the little things. It’s not like you can beat somene at the office with a cluestick, but you can with relative ease tell the cab driver who doesn’t know where his turn signal is to go take a flying fuck.

Here’s the deal: performance reviews are looming. And we won’t get more than a 3 percent raise, no matter how well we performed. I exploded on Demure!TM on Tuesday, how my last review was a farce, how I busted my ass and she could only focus on the fact that I miss meetings all the time and therefore gave me a shitty raise. And Solitaire and the other useless crew got a higher raise than I did, even though I was clearly committed to my job way more than they will ever be. And I said I don’t even want my annual review because I know I won’t even get a 1.5 percent because of how stingy Demure!TM is with corporate money — you’d think it was coming from her own personal bank account.

What also set me off is how she told me to review Angie, who, admittedly, is a true asset to my department as well as my personal sanity. But Demure!TM told me that if I give her a 3 percent raise, that doesn’t seem like enough money, so if I want to give her a 3.25 percent raise, I can feel free. I, of course, asked what kind of compensation I am entitled to, being that I couldn’t get a favorable review when I was doing two full-time jobs for the price of one last year. I told her it’s absolutely demoralizing and that nobody looked out for my well-being the way I am expected to (and plan to) look out for Angie. Further, I told Demure!TM that she really has no idea not only how much work we do, but also how many side projects I arrange for Angie and me — reading articles on leadership, learning how to get along in the working world, etc. I am committed to her personal growth just as much as her professional growth, yet I have no mentors of my own (although I have kind of goaded Scot into that role for me, a role he is taking quite seriously — he is always there for me to help me make decisions, craft defenses and bandage the wounds).

I had to go on about the furlough days — I am so broke and I can’t catch up because EVERY paycheck reflects a furlough (that I’ve worked!). The thing is, we took them proactively, not reactively, according to Finance Guy, and my argument is that we’re going to get shittier-than-usual raises as a REWARD for losing pay. I told her that they are going to lose some really good people if they don’t show us some genuine appreciation/compensation soon. She said that we keep losing members, so if we didn’t have the furloughs, we’d be in a real budget mess.

So I noted, then, that, “OK, so we are hemmorhaging members, and it’s the staff’s responsibility to keep the organization afloat when nobody is doing anything to recruit/retain members?” (That’s her job, by the way, but she didn’t budget for recruitment efforts.) I said I don’t mind helping out, and if I truly took the furloughs as personal time instead of having them fall smack dead in deadline week every issue, I wouldn’t breathe a word of complaint, because my personal time means the world to me. And that’s why we’re on early deadlines this month — I am NOT going to be there for the May 28 furlough. The first one I’ll have to myself! I wanted my staff to have a long, nice Memorial Day weekend, so we are busting our asses this week to kick the paper out the door. But shit like that will never show up on my review — not that I do anything for a favorable review, but it would be nice to be recognized for being just as much of a leader/mentor as I am a worker bee.

I really don’t hate my job. I just get overwhelmed by the series of little things that make it less an adventure than a sentence for something I did wrong in my past life. And it’s way better than my last job, although as Tiff noted, better doesn’t always mean it’s good.

Today’s word is “no.” I had to abandon a story I was writing because e-mail was down for five days and interviews for it didn’t come in, and I have too many other projects to shuffle this one in. I have a life, a weekend full of activities. I don’t get paid more to take on extra work. I take on more because I like it, not because it’s overly necessary. “No” is a word I have trouble saying in all areas of my life — I’m more prone to “maybe” or a compromise, although sometimes it’s just easier to do something than to worry about defending my self-preservation. But I hit an epiphany that I will always come first, from now on. And in the long run, will my crappy excuse for a raise mean a damn thing to me? Not really. I want a fair evaluation more so than a monetary reward (although that would be nice to have, too!). I want to be recognized as a contributing member of a team — a good leader, even — as opposed to just another cog in the wheel whose existence doesn’t matter. On the other hand, my opinion is the only one that counts, and I know I’ve done well and will continue to do so. I just have to find my own motivation, because my mentor and my friends may lead me to it, but I’m the only one who can make it happen. …

*updated*

So I came back to watching “American Idol.” I missed it last night, but I’m tuning into the results show. And AGAIN, Latoya and Ghetto FabulousFantasia are in the bottom two.

And Jasmine stays.

What the fuck?

Look, Jasmine does her best. She is, though, simply not THE best.

I’m glad Diana’s sticking around another week. She rocked socks last night, just from what I heard of the highlights.

I’m with Randy — this is now twice that the votes simply do not reflect the talent. Even Jasmine looks stunned that she’s staying.

And didn’t Fantasia wear that shirt last night? Oh, yeah, nice birth control patch — it caught the spotlight quite well. Ghetto broad. And what was UP with those horrid blue sneakers?

Stay tuned. I’m certain I will update this in five minutes. …

UPDATE

Are you people out of your MINDS?!?! Latoya goes? This is So. Freaking. Wrong!!!