Caterwauling

Subtitle: ‘Redneckopoly’ comes to my apartment complex.

Rejected title: Put down the word-of-the-day calendar if you’re illiterate. For the love of god.

Typically, I benefit by living next-door to a gal who works in the rental office. I get special considerations and favors when I need them. Unfortunately, other residents know she lives next door, and that tends to mean that she has assholes knocking at all hours.

Tonight was no exception. From 10:30 p.m. till 11:20 p.m., some jackass stood outside and knocked. Yes, he was here for an hour. I kept hopping over to the peephole, and he never lost patience. I went over to my balcony, and I saw not only her car, but also her brother/roomate’s motorcycle (which fuckface likes to sit and rev in the parking lot, especially at 7 a.m. this morning, but that’s a topic for another day). She was ignoring him. How nice for the other residents on this floor.

Someone ended up coming up and talking to Redneck. I overheard him say that he has “persistency” — that’s why he kept a-knocking. Finally, dumbass just left. I kept turning up the TV volume but still couldn’t drown him out. Ugh. Kill. I don’t even care that he wasted his time in the hallway — I just weep for the human language. It’s bad enough that I don’t often have opportunity to hear English spoken in my city — and when I finally do, it is massacred. Oh, the humanity. And the “persistency” of illiteracy.

1. My kitten, Kadi, turned 1 year old yesterday. Hurrah! Now if she’d only calm the fuck down, I’ll be a happy kitty mommy.

2. Vibrators are in! And I shall get them tonight! Yay!

3. My horoscope keeps saying shit about me finally getting into a long-term relationship soon. That will be good for me, assuming it’s true. I wouldn’t say that my life is incomplete without a relationship, but I will say that it could definitely enhance it. Now, to find some contenders! A friend of a friend put an ad on Craig’s List and got 50 responses within the first day!

4. Scenes from a yard sale: Angie had a yard sale this weekend, and all we can say is that people are really fucking cheap, especially people with “diplomat” plates, who bartered because they didn’t want to pay a whole dollar for a purse she only used once — they only wanted to pay a quarter. And what’s up with people buying used lipsticks? Ugh!

5. Cruise Director just sent us a survey about our jobs. He promises that if he gets 100 percent participation, we get to dress down for August. Um, what part of “we already dress down from June 1 to September 30” did he forget? Anyway, I want to answer honestly, but I just don’t see the point. I mean, he wants to know what three things about our job and agency communication drive us nuts, as well as three things that would improve our performance and make us happier employees. I want to say we should burn down the place. Think he’d be amused?

6. Children in stores are the best birth control. Really. Screaming little banshees, they all are. God. Store managers need to do us a favor and put condoms in every aisle. Although, I might just want to hand the condoms to the parents of the unruly mongrels. …

7. Scenes from a Popeye’s: This happened awhile ago, but there was an Arab, an Asian and a Hispanic (doesn’t this sound like I’m setting up a joke?) waiting on me. I asked for a Number One. Seriously, how can you fuck it up when I order a meal? Well, they did. They all started yapping at each other in their native tongues, but they didn’t understand each other, so they turned on the poor, unsuspecting white girl (moi) to translate Spanish to the Asian lady. I couldn’t. Fifteen excruciating minutes later, I was handed a non-spicy meal, when the Number One clearly indicated it was a spicy chicken sandwich. The saving grace was that, while I waited, I watched another Hispanic change the sign outside, and he misspelled “chicken.” For the unfamiliar, the restaurant’s name is Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits. And chicken was spelled wrong. Bwah ha ha.

8. I am forced into a “teambuilding” traning tomorrow. With these colleagues. Kill me now.

9. My readers are idiots. I got a call from some nitwit this morning, asking for an article. I said I’d e-mail it, but she doesn’t have e-mail. So I said I’d have to call her back (we’re supposed to charge people when we mail them articles, but I didn’t have the price info handy). So what did she say? “Don’t call me. Here’s my e-mail address.” So as soon as I wrote it down, I said fine, I’ll e-mail her the article. What the hell was that shit all about? How’d she SUDDENLY get an e-mail address?

10. Why I suddenly love Ronald Reagan: We are off on Friday because the feds are shutting down in his honor. Hurrah! Here’s the deal: it was supposed to be a half-furlough day, but instead, we are closing for the whole day and GETTING PAID for the whole day! Sad when you have to be grateful to get your whole paycheck, isn’t it? I will likely work a full day, but it will hurt less to be getting paid for it, for a change!