Caterwauling

The big question on everyone’s mind is whether I will move to the West Coast permanently.

I have spent so much time wondering about it myself.

I think the bottom line is that my life and work is so unstable right now that it makes sense to stay put in D.C. until I can bank enough money to make an informed decision. As it stands, every penny is going toward living expenses, and “extra” money is an oxymoron.

But I don’t hate it out here. Haven’t seen much in the way of scenery, but I’ve spent a ton of time with Shan and her family, and well, I’ve missed them. I’ve especially missed our business-related chats about all the stuff we want to do to change the world. I don’t have those discussions with anyone else.

I’ve done some volunteering while I’ve been out here. Loved every minute of it. If I could figure out how to raise enough funds for the organization, I could very well get a salary. I guess I wish I had more time out here — lord only knows how long it will be before I can scrape together the moola to get out here again. The neat thing about a growing small town like the one I’m in is that independent, small businesses are flourishing. Sure, there are chain stores and restaurants and what not, but it’s the people with dreams who are doing the best out here. The job market sucks otherwise.

I spoke with someone about an editorial position opening, but when I gave my going rates, the look of horror stopped me from talking any more. I set my rates based on living in D.C. (and they’re still conservative because I want to beat the competition). But out here, I would never make the kind of money I need to cover my expenses right now. Of course, though, money certainly isn’t everything, but when your pitiful supply is dwindling faster than you can say “bankrupt,” well, you need to make some considerations.

But out here, gosh. I know people. I’ve been networking like crazy. Shan and her dad know everyone out here, it seems. And people out here seem willing to help in general — it’s like everyone really wants their neighbors and fellow citizens to have a better life.

It was funny — I saw a guy on the street arguing with a guy in a truck this morning. Lots of creative language. I laughed and told Shan I felt like I was back in D.C. — it feels like home when people are cussing each other out on the streets!

In any event, I wish I could live in more than one place. I wish I could keep my place in D.C. but also come out here to Oregon. Of course, with Shan, I will always have a place to land out here, and I appreciate that. But I don’t know where I want to end up in life. I always thought I’d end up in the Carolinas or something like that (me, a Southern belle?), but right now, I don’t know anything.

One thing I’ve been thinking a lot about is family. Shan’s 13-month-old daughter is supremely adorable. I put her to sleep yesterday (she heard me sing to her, gave me a really mean look because she knew what I was up to, and then passed out), and I loved it. Absolutely loved having her breathing on my shoulder and wrapping her arms around me as we walked around and I danced a little bit with her. But do I want that for myself? You can’t get a damn thing done with a kid running around all the time. I mean, I want to go to France, to Italy, to some tropical escape that isn’t being torpedoed by whatever hurricane is in progress. And this makes me think I will be content to be Alex’s favorite aunt rather than a mom of my own right.

Whew. I’ve been doing waaaaaayyyy too much thinking lately. 🙂 But I don’t have internet access other than my painful voyages to Kinko’s (this satanic hellhole though it may be) while Shan goes to the tanning place next door.

In any event, I guess I am doing such an exhaustive mental search for home because I don’t know where that is right now. And I’m really wondering and maybe even hoping that I have something to go back to when I finally return to D.C. next month, because even though that’s not where I expect to end up permanently, well, that’s where I want to be for the time being.

Just saying hello from the West Coast, where the speed limit is 45 mph and the crime is so low that cops have little else to do but enforce it.

I am actually loving it here in the Pacific Northwest. People are a little too freaking happy, though. I’m still stuck in my East Coast mentality that you should be multi-tasking and accomplishing 40 things at once.

Let me tell you how nice people are. I almost ran smack into a woman in the grocery store. Totally woulda been my fault — I was running and didn’t look around. What did she do? Moved her cart out of the way, smiled and told me, “Here honey, let me move this for you.” My god, if I were still in D.C., that cart would have been rammed up someone’s behind, and I’m not sure whose!

Have a funny story. Have been playing with the adorable 1-year-old Alex, who has incidentally grown two inches and increased her vocabulary AND started eating solid foods since I last saw her in August. Anyway, she likes to pinch nipples. So yesterday, she was pinching my chest where she thought mine should be, and I said, “No honey, they’re not up that high anymore!” LOL.

Anyway, I’ve been off blogging so long, I had to do it quickly. Also quit smoking, too. This trip for me has been even better than I imagined! Miss you all bunches! ;

Hurricane Ivan destroyed a few of the roads I need to take on my journey today, including the only way I know to get to the Pittsburgh airport. Hurrah.

And all I can say is that it is impossible to shove three weeks’ worth of clothes into three suitcases. I need one full suitcase for scandalous underthings alone!

I have a phenomenal rant brewing. Oh, it’s juicy. It’s funny as hell as well as ridiculously disconcerting. Never a dull moment ’round here.

The problem? I’ll need to go into the Witness Protection Program to be able to share it. *drat* I apologize for teasing you and leaving you high and dry. But that’s what we girls do sometimes. 😉

Had a fun Passion Party at the home of one of my loyal readers. The last blog may have destroyed my life, but maybe this one is improving it!

Anyway, had a great time and am going to retire myself to bed soon — got a million and one things to do tomorrow before I head out of town on Sunday. Blogging will be light to nonexistent for the next three weeks — behave yourselves without me and come back soon!

On iTunes: Leonard Cohen, “In My Secret Life”

Went to a Mary Kay function this evening. Was kind of hoping to network, but the environment didn’t really provide so much for that. But I did win $5, so that was OK by me — that’s a one-way turnpike toll!

There was some heavy-duty recruiting going on, and I’m not opposed to someday becoming a Mary Kay rep, but right now, I’ve got to really put more energy into my Passion Parties endeavor first. I did love the team spirit and all the honors the MK reps got this evening, but the thing is, they’re like carpenter ants — you can’t shake a dead rat without hitting a Mary Kay rep in your area. But Passion Parties reps are so much fewer in numbers, although that number is growing exponentially. But I am one of 6,000 in my chosen sales business, where there are thousands upon thousands of makeup salespeople.

The girls at the MK party were adorable, particularly because they loved my Nine West shoes that are ironically the same pink as the corporate MK logo. I didn’t even try to match! I had just never worn the shoes and wanted to dress in expensive attire, even though I’m not exactly making any money right now. 😉

Going into this, I was kind of worried that they would be eyeballing my makeup (as I am a Cover Girl/Maybelline/L’Oreal fan — whatever’s on sale at Wal-Mart!) with distaste. But nobody seemed to take much notice. My skin was on its best behavior today (hurrah!) so I didn’t see any point in trying to hide it under gobs of cosmetics.

The thing is, these woman-friendly sales businesses (and especially these functions) are truly empowering. I mean, I expected to walk in and see a bunch of supermodel-types. And while there were some truly striking women, well, the rest looked like me — with the exception of the two ridiculously young and skinny girls in the row in front of me, nearly everyone else had curves and laugh lines and some creases in their skirts from sitting all day. And it’s the little things like that that make me feel OK about me — and maybe even better, sometimes. Not better than anyone, by any means, but I get a big reminder to quit disassembling myself feature by feature in the mirror like I did when I was a pre-teen. I remember that I am attractive enough, successful enough, innovative enough … maybe I just need to up my own motivation and confidence.

And that will come in time (although it needs to come soon!). Right now, I’m still licking some fresh wounds, and that’s OK — I’ve never really taken the time to detox from all the insanity of my first 30 years. I look forward to taking on the next 30 with a clearer mind as well as vision of where I want to be by then. And not just *where* I want to be, but also *how* I want to be. The successes I’ve achieved in my life have come at a cost, but I’m smarter and stronger for it. And I’m more prepared for whatever comes next — and it had better be good! — because I will have a greater appreciation and even readiness for it.

And if you would like to have a fun girls’ night in with samples of yummy body products and toys that go buzz in the night, please e-mail me at passion AT thisdomainDOTcom. It’s never too early to start your holiday shopping! One thing my team and I are going to do are baskets I want to call “Human Hot Fudge Sundae” — Hot Fudge flavored lube, Cherry lube, Marshmallow whipped cream and Banana lube. Who can resist THAT?!?! 😉

On iTunes: Tracy Chapman, “Baby Can I Hold You”

*updated*

For all my crowing about how much I love working at home (and I do, believe me), it’s starting to have its downsides.

One, the fridge is five yards away. Damn sammiches. 😉

Even though my deal with myself is to only smoke while I am at the computer, well, I’ve burned through two packs of Camel Lights in the past two days. I don’t even remember lighting most of them!

I’ve gone through my supply of chai tea and french vanilla hot chocolate.

I’m mostly caught up on e-mails, but with a long trip out of town looming, I know I will come back to six million messages and listserv digests and whatnot.

I’m trying to think positively about my three weeks away from home. I mean, this is the girl who hasn’t taken a vacation since 1995, and that was my first-ever escape from my day-to-day life. I guess I’m worried because, not only will I not be getting paid for my time away, this is also valuable time I will be losing in looking for new projects.

On the other hand, I keep thinking that I will find freelance leads while I’m gone. Or maybe, with no real ties to here or anywhere in the country, I may decide to sell all my crap on Craig’s List and move elsewhere. Stranger things have happened, and I’ve proven that I’m not opposed to walking out on my current life and starting anew anywhere but here.

Anyway, today logic is battling with hope. I want hope to win out. Truly I do. But the pile of unpaid bills (gaah — didn’t I just pay those last month?) is mocking me. As is the pile of work I’m doing right now — it’s begging for my care and attention (I’ve given everything at least one to two edits; I just need the wherewithall to do the third and final once-over).

The work is good for me, actually. The assignment is a familiar one, and I’ve found unexpected joy in things that used to drain me. Distance is such a blessing. I wish this assignment could recur, actually, but alas, to everything there is a season, and this leaf blew off the branch and will be replaced by a whole new tree. And, in that, I guess there is the story of my life right now. Maybe it’s time to kill off the roots and take the seed elsewhere.

I see my future, with all its splendor and sunlight. It’s just getting through the “right now” that’s the challenge.

UPDATE
Zach Braff said it best in a Quarter-Life Crisis interview:

“The way I describe it is it’s like being long overdue for the next chapter of your life to open up, I think everyone can relate to that, life is a series of beginnings and changes, and then there’s times in your life where you’re like ‘I am so due for an epiphany, I am so due for something new to happen to me, a new girl, a new job, an epiphany, somebody please send me an epiphany.'”

On iTunes: Willa Ford, “I Wanna Be Bad”

1. I don’t have any human contact unless I initiate it.

2. I play with my cats whenever I want.

3. I can eat pickles and peanut butter and nobody asks me any stupid questions about it (and the answer is “not likely” in case you were going to ask!).

4. I can thaw something for dinner by taking it out of the freezer and going to work until it’s ready to cook (e.g., no microwave thawing required).

5. I smoke at my desk without pissing anybody off.

6. My bathroom is not funky and my coffee is fabulous.

7. My lunches are awesome — I make the best damn sammiches on the planet! (Next to Primanti’s, of course. Nobody can reach that level of supreme goodness. Well, maybe Fat Head’s, but both are 250 miles from here, as is the tempation of sweet potato fries from Uncle Sam’s.)

And with that, it is time for a dinner break. 😉

On iTunes: Bowling for Soup, “1985”

I am liking this freelance gig.

So I got up early, spent four hours getting my car fixed, came home for lunch, went to the post office, met Angie for a cigarette/chat session at the mall, got an eye exam (and bought some new trendy BeBe frames), made dinner and now, at 6:30 p.m., am ready to start working.

And the cool thing is that I can work well into the night, which I always did before but AFTER a full workday. Not anymore, friends. My workday starts and ends when I want it (or need it) to.

It’s the little things that make me do a happy dance, ya know? 🙂

On iTunes: Sixpence None the Richer, “Don’t Dream, It’s Over”

I was driving to Annandale this morning to get my car fixed (brakes, tires, etc.), which I have been putting off for months. Finally, with travel looming, I decided today was the day.

Anyway, as I was driving along Little River Turnpike, a gentleman pulled up beside me a la the Grey Poupon commericals. He put down his window and said, “There’s something wrong with your car, honey.”

I looked at him quizically — what the hell else could be wrong with this two-year-old car?

“Someone went and put a Kerry bumper sticker on it!”

I laughed. “Imagine that!”

“Just thought you’d want to know about that — I didn’t think you’d actually want that on your car.”

We laughed and he speeded up as I made a right turn into the automotive place. He probably is a senator or representative or something like that, knowing this area of town. But I thoroughly enjoyed the moment, even if he is going to go and vote for Dubya and cancel out my vote! 😉