A lot of things have happened to me during the past few years. And I’ve always had a lot of coping mechanisms, in the form of vices. More than two years ago, when I moved to the D.C. area, I was into everything. Yes, everything. 😉
The other day, I was driving around Fairfax with some friends and it occurred to me: I have become boring. Oh my GOD, when did that happen!?!? I rarely drink alcohol anymore (maybe twice a month now), I’ve given up the overnight relationships in search of something real, and I don’t smoke anymore, either. Goodness, I’d rather have friends over for a cookout or go somewhere for a dinner party than actually get spiffed up to go clubbing! What has happened to me? I feel like I’ve aged 20 years in the past three.
One vice I am trying desperately to separate myself from is shopping. Mom is insistent that I need to land a gig as a personal assistant, so that I can always be shopping, even if I am taking nothing home for myself. She’s right. I have enough clothes to look different every day of the year, and I still look in my walk-in closet and say, “I have nothing to wear!”
I’m never happier than when I have an intended purchase in my hand. Seriously, that’s a rush that can suprass even the most illicit of drugs. I never did understand chemical dependence to the point that you don’t care what’s going on or what you look like. Same thing with depression. Sure, I get as moody as the next gal, but all you have to do is tell me that there is a sale happening within a 30-mile radius, and I’m in the car within 10 minutes!
I have loved, in my now-two months of non-employment, setting my own schedule. I’ve loved declaring it a bad mood day and just going window shopping till I felt better. I’ve loved being able to visit with friends who take vacation days so that we can hang out. I’ve loved being inspired late at night and just jumping on the computer and running with it.
What I haven’t loved, though, is my list of unacknowledged queries. I like-but-don’t-love hearing about all the great places my friends are traveling to, the fabulous restaurants they’re trying, the great new designer handbags they’re purchasing. Because, I hate to admit it, those are the same things that make me happy. I always loved being the one who was first to try everything — I loved being the one to recommend things to my friends, and I’d be off trying something new while they followed my lead. I love wearing whatever’s in the fashion catalogs (although, admittedly, I rarely paid the designer prices — I can make a knockoff outfit look just as fabulous as the real thing). And now that I finally have the time to write about those things, well, I’ve fallen behind in actually doing them to gather the experiences!
I keep telling myself that something incredible is on the near horizon. I just have this belief that, now that I’m rid of all the *bad* things I used to do, there will be great benefits to my health, my happiness, my heart. Sometimes, it’s hard to hold onto that hope, though, and I think that has been my downfall for so long. I once heard that you need to envision yourself where you want to be and not pay so much attention to where you are. I guess I need to quit seeing myself in Manhattan with a cigarette in one hand and a cosmo in the other, then. 😉 I need to see myself in an apartment where stuff doesn’t break all the time, in a city where the traffic isn’t suicide-inspiring, in a store buying everything I ever wanted, in a relationship that I actually want to be in, and in a job helping people and still profiting. I just wish I knew when all of this great stuff will happen!
On iTunes: The Zombies, “Time of the Season”
