Caterwauling

I was driving a lot this week, and it occurred to me how the word “again” can make or break you. Yes, I’m always in my head when I drive, much to the chagrin of everyone else on the Beltway!

The word conveys hope (e.g., “I want to be happy again.”) or angst (e.g., “I don’t want to hurt like this again.”). Either way, it hints at a future … at a time that indicates that you will eventually get through the here and now. “Again” is great, of course, when you are anticipating a time that is as fabulous as a time that has passed — whether you will see someone you’ve been missing or feeling giddy with excitement like you did as a child opening a birthday gift. And, of course, “again” sucks when you’re feeling as awful as you did at a previous point in your life or when/if your luck runs out.

In any event, I’m hoping my “again” is coming. I remember when times were good, and I would love it if they could get even better, but I would settle for “good” again. For the time being, anyway. It’s scary right now — I feel like I’m hanging upside down and swinging on the flying trapeze, waiting for someone to grab my hands and pull me back over to the other side. I’m reaching out my arms, wanting to grab for the right thing. And when it comes, I’m going to hold onto it for dear life. I’ve felt like my soul evaporated yet my body refused to die. That’s a shitty way to exist.

I’ve changed so much in just a few short months, and I’ve learned to appreciate what I have because it can evaporate when you turn your back for a second. I’ve also learned to make the most of any situation. I’ve also learned that crying your eyes out doesn’t solve a damn thing, but it does exhaust you enough that you don’t want to do it anymore, thus freeing up your energy for other more timeworthy pursuits.

An earlier phone conversation:

Mom: You sound more like your old self again. I’ve missed her.
Me: Nobody has missed her more than I have.

I want to start a foundation. I have a name and a mission for it already. And that’s a goal to work toward, which I will do just as soon as that trapeze bar swings back this way.

On iTunes: Oasis, “Stop Crying Your Heart Out”

Time for the annual sob-fest as I watch the resplendent Eat ‘n Park holiday commercial. Swiped (as usual) from fellow Pittsburgh native Tiff.

Damn it — where’s my big, strong tree to pick me up off the floor?!?! *sniffle*

On iTunes: Richie Sambora, “Fallen From Graceland”

It’s always odd when you’re out somewhere during the day, and then you come home and check your webstats and realize that people were on your website when you were in their building.

Just sayin’. Be warned — I may be in your neighborhood! LOL

In any event, I’m up to no good today, so I’ll be offline (like I’m ever online anymore!). I do want to send a special thank-you to Amalah for looking out for a fellow blogfriend. 😉

This is my month. I feel it in my bones. November sucked. Hoo boy, what a waste of an existence THAT month was! There are so many songs that bemoan everything November-ish because it’s dark and depressing and hopeless. I feel like, if I can just make it through the next few weeks, then I’ll become myself again. But a better version of it. And my fondest wish is to just have enough money for a couple of tanks of gas so I can see my family for the holidays. And if I have more, great, because I owe that family all the money and love in the world for saving my ass time and again when they don’t even have any to spare. The hardest part of being down on your luck is seeing other people hurting for you — it’s simultaneously a killer and a motivator. It’s just a matter of letting the right side win.

On iTunes: Scissor Sisters, “It Can’t Come Quickly Enough”

I could reeeaaaaalllly use some good karma today, if anybody can spare some. 🙂 It’s going to be a challenge to come out from under a rock to the top of my game!

And while you’re at it, go congratulate Tiff! w00t!!!

On iTunes: Frou Frou, “Let Go”

What, what’s that weird feeling I have today? OMG, is it a pulse?

I often say that when it rains, it hurricanes. But eventually, the clouds part and you start to see a faint glimmer of sunlight — just when you need it most. Nothing specific happened, but at some point, you’ve got to start believing what everyone else is telling you. As someone told me yesterday, trust the process. And I will.

I’m not going to claim everything is roses and unicorns. Not even close. But I am starting to see where attitude is half the battle. I don’t know why things happen when or the way they do, but alas, they had to happen, regardless. And we can either sit around bemoaning our fates or we can say, “I can work with this set of circumstances. I just need a few minutes to pull it together.” That few minutes of collecting yourself is such a luxury, but moving forward, you see it was a necessity.

At this point, I’m fumbling for the bootstraps. But they’re around here somewhere — I know I’ve seen them before! Certain people have come into my life to coax me off the ledge and back to me — back into the cocoon of dreams that I long since abandoned. Right now, my full-time concern is keeping up my spirit — and it will eventually pay off, but it means surviving on scraps and digesting your pride every now and again. But that will come back in time. It’s all part of the cycle, and I will be a better person for it all. Never underestimate the power of passion. And having an abundance of it was never my problem!

On iTunes: A Girl Named Eddy, “Did You See the Moon Tonight?”

If only more people were this cognizant of what they have and what it’s like for those with so much less.

On iTunes: Aberdeen, “Cities and Buses”