I spend a lot of time inside my head. I always have, I guess. But I was kind of comparing myself to where I was six months ago and where I was six months before that, and I am amazed at what a different person I am.
Not to say that I was a bad person in the first place — I wouldn’t say I’m so much reformed as I am enlightened. I think I always tried my best to do the right things and make the right choices, but I guess I’ve learned that there is a grander scheme of things … that the wind is gently nudging you in the right direction and that all you have to do sometimes is un-dig your stiletto heels out of the ground and be carried once in awhile.
Amy reminded me that I have an undertone to many of my entries here that one must make one’s own miracles. I believe that wholly. I have a friend who has seen me fall into the depths of despair and soar to heights I haven’t seen before, and even though I feel like my war wounds will never heal, she says she never saw anything but my determination to survive — my commitment to picking my fat ass off the ground and persevering.
The thing was, it was a time when I felt like I was making all the wrong decisions — a time when divine intervention was on hiatus and my spirit guides were sipping umbrella drinks in Tahiti without me. And the thing is, I had no faith at the time — I’d lost my belief system years earlier and never quite got around to reconstructing one that worked. But during my time of nothingness, I got my faith back. When I needed something, anything in which to believe, it came to me. Now, I’m not going to share those beliefs, because they are in fact mine and perhaps mine alone, but suffice it to say that when the “Desiderata” tells us to nurture strength of spirit in times of misfortune, it wasn’t shitting us. 🙂
In any event, I was talking to my friend tonight about how I feel like I was martyred — I went through a lot of suffering that didn’t benefit me but, rather, those who followed in my footsteps. But rather than be envious or even bitter about it, I figured my day would come. And it has. And things are better than I’d even imagined. So did I make my own miracles? Not technically, but I think I created the environment where they could happen. You do what’s natural, and the universe takes care of the supernatural.
I guess what I struggle with is when will the anvil drop. Happiness has always been fleeting at best in my world, so I tend to assume that my so-called cover will be blown … that I’m not as special as others might think I am or, worse, as I believe I am.
So, I take life day by day. My goals are short-term. My presence in any given moment is full-throttle — I’m not contemplating what or how I think I should be doing. I’m simply siphoning all I can absorb from the people, places and situations that surround me. I’ve always been like that, though. That’s not news.
But what IS different is that I’ve lost my edge — but that’s not a bad thing. I’ve always had a zinger or an insult ready — I was always able to see the fault in even the most exquisite things and, sadly, that extended to people. Don’t get me wrong — I can spot an oxygen thief a thousand miles away — but I prefer to keep my thoughts positive. Anybody who’s been with me for a few years know that I was the Goddess of the poison pen. But I’d much rather get lost in my new offline dreambook than shout from the Blogger dashboard about the injustices I’ve witnessed.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that when you’re given an opportunity to wipe the slate clean and start over, take it. Process what you couldn’t understand before, vent about it with a trusted group of friends and close the door on it. When the next door opens, you don’t want to have that baggage with you, and if you happen to bring it in, well, it’s never too late to clean house and take it out to the curb when you’re done with it.
The thing is, you’re constantly meeting new people and facing new challenges in life. And they don’t need to know so much of your history when what they really need from you is all that you can be right at this very moment. Sure, that means they might not know the details of all the great things you achieved, but on the other hand, they can see what a phenomenal person you have become, and they therefore know that you must have done spectacular things that led you to become the incredible person you are now. Likewise, so what if you made a couple of screw-ups in your past? Nobody has to know it but you, just so long as you learned and grew instead of missing the lessons that were meant for you.
I know I still have a lot of screwing up to do and a lot of gray hairs to put on the heads of those I love, respect and admire. And they will return the favor, no doubt. 😉 But when you look around and see who’s on the journey with you and where the journey might be leading all of you, you finally realize that you’ve done your best. So have they. And, if you keep doing your best and know that your actions affect everyone around you, then you will be perpetuating greatness and inspiring it in others.
Whatever you send out into the world, comes back at you times three. Just as we are cautioned to be careful what we wish for, we must be equally concerned with what we release into the world. But when I have the chance to perpetuate concern, knowledge, assistance, reverence … the payoffs are so much bigger.
And so, tonight, I am sending you a dream. I wish for you to have a deep, pleasant slumber, filled with sweet images of whatever you want to see. I want for you to be energized, inspired, empowered by what you see and feel. The only thanks I need is knowing that you awakened and did the same thing for someone else. Don’t be afraid to give away a wish or a dream — there’s always someone out there who needs it more than you and who would give anything to have a moment of happiness. Again, as “Desiderata” says, “Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”
Eventually, you don’t have to strive anymore — it’ll come naturally. Trust me on this. 😉
On iTunes: Alicia Keys, “Karma (Karmastition Remix)”