Caterwauling

Because I’ve been punishing you with epic entries and Audioblogs, I’m all about the light reading tonight.

Highway Truisms

1. Just because the WaPo live traffic alerts indicate that gridlock at the 270/495 merge has abated doesn’t mean that A) It has, or B) That you won’t sit in the local lanes for 28 minutes because of some other incident that wasn’t reported.

2. If someone wants to merge in front of you, let them, because A) They will sneak angrily into the quarter-inch of space behind you and tailgate your ass, and B) They will have their high-beams on because one of their headlights is burned out.

3. When you are in a sports car that sits low to the ground, the asshole with the high-beams on will most likely be in a large urban-assault vehicle with those beams shining directly into your rearview and sideview mirrors.

4. When you’re going 76 in a 40, you will have someone riding your ass. And throwing on your brakes? Seriously, the entertainment value in watching their faces is almost worth the stroke you almost take when you wonder if your Pontiac will have a taxi as its new spoiler!

5. As stated earlier, anyone who drives a Lexus or other “status” car believes the freeway means that they are free to turn otherwise sane motorists into babbling, anxiety-ridden fools.

5.a. After a really bad drive, it is essential to shut oneself in one’s office for a full 15 minutes to fix makeup, guzzle coffee and breathe into a paper bag … after we mourn the years taken off of our lives from the panic attacks we incur.

6. Not watching the road or other drivers makes for a pleasant commute. Especially if your music is as loud as can be. And headbanging? Frightens everyone into staying the fuck away from you. (“Mr. Brightside” by The Killers makes me chair-dance, especially when I play it seven times in a row before I get to my first exit. Highly recommended.) My time in my car is like the preliminary rounds of “American Idol” — with the really bad contestants. Bonus points if I have the sunroof open and can irritate others!

7. Your time? No more important as mine. Tiff said it eloquently over at Metblogs: “If you were really that important, you’d have a motorcade or a helicopter.”

8. Like repeatedly pushing the elevator button. To the assclown in the Mini Cooper at the Pentagon exit this morning: I was 784th in line. You were 785th. Honking at me isn’t going to do you a damn bit of good when I ram my ice scraper up your ass — the long one that I also use to brush the snow off my roof.

9. The day you decide, “Enh. I’ll just pee when I get home,” as you’re leaving work (because the cleaning crew is camped out in the bathrooms) — that’s the day you will Sit. In. Traffic. For. Ever.

And … Bonus TMI Truisms
1. Boyshorts are comfy and cute, but not so much under pantyhose. Those frilly lettuce-edged tap pants give you a hell of a panty line.

2. Lace bras? They look terrific on the floor beside your bed, but not so much under a sweater. Just sayin’. I kept my arms pretty much crossed today in the presence of others.

On iTunes: Counting Crows, “Raining in Baltimore”

Subtitle: Knowing when the loss really isn’t your own

Perhaps what the proverbial “they” say is true — that you aren’t given more to shoulder than you can handle at a given time. However, the very second you might be able to handle some news, it comes your way. And, it might hit you with the velocity of a ton of bricks, but after you’ve handled so much already, you come to a point where it’s just another thing to deal with.

There was someone from my recent past who unknowingly swept me off my feet. And my feet are pretty grounded in reality, so for that sweet gust of wind to convolute my rationality and make me see stars, well, I have to say I was pretty impressed. I became consumed with this person — with every detail I learned, the deeper my passion became.

And was it reciprocated? I think so. Of course, there was that “Romeo and Juliet” twist to it — isn’t that always the way? There was some element of tragedy that kept it from happening. And, even after all the barriers were addressed and eventually removed, things didn’t progress as planned. Of course, as I mentioned in my last entry, I didn’t really dream too hard on it, as is typical of me. I didn’t want to build up expectations that would never be met … even though I did cling to that tiny hope that, if the timing were just right, it would happen the way I wanted it to. Even at the expense of the friendship. (When the light of hope in your life is dim at best, you tend to cling to what can make you feel good, even if it’s only ephemeral.)

Months later, the friendship has faded and so have my feelings. But then last night, I heard he’s got someone new in his life — someone who is to him what I had so very much wanted to become.

It doesn’t hurt as much as I’d thought it would, surprisingly. A part of me wonders if this is the real thing for him, and part of me knows that she’s got an uphill battle against what will haunt him till the end of time. A part of me envies her for being the one who turned his head, but another part of me wishes her a lot of strength, because she’s going to need it. She’s got things with which she simply cannot compete, and I wonder if she knows that yet.

But I say none of this with malice. I loved him and I wish him well. I do, honestly. And of course, there is that part of me that hopes we will cross paths someday and he will look at me in a completely different way. I guess I just wish he’d given me a chance — I felt like we *got* each other and that it could have been a whirlwind of sharing, growing, debating, exploring, evolving.

And it will be … just not with him. When I do meet my Someone, that’s what I want — I want everything I pictured with the person about whom I was referring earlier. And maybe I did dream more than I thought I’d allowed myself to do — I guess I’d immersed myself in how good it can feel to be with someone spectacular instead of remembering what it has always felt like to wonder how to get rid of someone with whom I simply felt miserable.

To my credit, I rarely stayed with someone who didn’t *do* it for me. And I never gave half a chance to those whom I assumed wouldn’t be able to do it for me. On the other hand, I never expected much from any of them — and maybe that’s why I never got their best, because I simply did not command it. Things have changed since then. I’ve changed since then. I seek better people to occupy the precious time in my thoughts and, eventually, the precious time at my side.

Someone recently asked me about something else that did not work out. I looked at the person clear-eyed and, in the steadiest of voices, I said, “The loss was not mine.”

And I meant it. I have spent a lifetime beating myself up for everything I’m not and everything I am that may not agree with what others are searching for. But, guess what? Fuck. Them. During that discussion, the person actually made me feel better by admitting it happens to everybody — I guess it’s like dating impotence or somethin’. Like, we need emotional Viagra for ourselves and our dates — there’s this great line in Liz Phair’s “Extraordinary”:

“See me jump through hoops for you
You stand there watching me performing
What exactly do you do?
Have you ever thought it’s you that’s boring?
Who the hell are you?
I am extraordinary, if you’d ever get to know me.”

In any event, it has taken me a long time to come to terms with my life, and not just the dating-and-relating side of it. To those who weren’t smart enough to work hard to keep me happy and keep me around, I release any ounce of regret I ever had at maybe not trying hard enough myself. And I am purposely surrounding myself with people and things that could certainly survive without me yet choose instead to thrive with me.

I don’t know how long it has been since I have been comfortable in my own skin, but I’m getting back to it. And, once I finally do feel at home in this skin, only then will it be time to shed it and start anew. It has been said that the company you keep reflects who you are, and I look forward to the lightness of spirit that will allow me to soar with the eagles.

So, goodnight, my someone — wherever and whomever you are. I look forward to meeting you or, if I already know you, to recognizing you. Moreover, I eagerly await the whirlwind adventure we will have together that will erase the emptiness that held your place until you arrived in my life.

On iTunes: Liz Phair, “Why Can’t I”