Caterwauling

What was I just saying about positioning onself in the mindset to attract people? Hell if I didn’t just get asked out. 🙂

Now, now — nothing to get excited about. Lord knows I am hardly booking the elopement trip to Hawaii or anything. I might, however, be changing the phone number. 😉

I am a few days late in posting my promised rant about making one’s wishes a wee bit more specific. And, I ain’t promisin’ that it’s worth the wait, but y’all love me anyway, right?

As a little girl, I had nothing but dreams, and believe me when I say I immersed myself in them. And I was specific.

I had made a promise to myself about my “when I grow up” time — I had decided that I didn’t care if I were poor, as long as I were living a life I loved. Mission accomplished. 😉

“14 today and you were dancing
Music mixed with laughter
And boys can be so insecure
They made you drink a bit too much
Everything’s a blur to feel and touch
Did he really like you
How can you be sure enough.”
— Dan Hill, “14 Today” —

When I dreamed of my “someone,” well — I was specific in that I had my heart set on Kip Winger or Jon Bon Jovi. (Shut up!) And while I would have either of them today, well, it just reminds me of how I wanted to find a scruffy, rocker-type boy who could make me feel. I think I get this one from my mom — she is always hot for the hippie-lookin’ hotties.

Well, I can safely say been there, done that (both Mom and me, actually). They make you feel, all right … and not always good.

What I should have done was concentrated less on such superficial things, but learning is a lifelong process. Throughout the years, I have uncovered one fundamental truth in choosing friends and partners: The first thing you should look for (and see) is their heart. Because that’s exactly what you want them to see in you, right? Sure, you can go to the park with your ta-tas popping out of your shirt (like I did yesterday — hence the date offer. heh), but you need more than just eye candy.

While we’re on the subject, let’s take yesterday’s date invitation. I had gone to my favorite spot in the whole world — a park with a little lake that’s near my place. I go there when I’m happy, sad, confused, indifferent. I also took my mom there and she loved it just as much as I did. So, it’s a special spot.

And, one where I cannot return for awhile.

I was smiling at everyone who walked by — I was curled up on a bench with my diary, kind of dreaming off into the distance. And the sunshine is such a glorious thing — it was 70 degrees, and I was HAPPY. Everyone was happy to be out walking their dogs or doing laps around the lake, feeling the warmth of the sun’s rays on our shoulders. Seriously, for the first time in a year, I truly felt lucky to not just be alive, but also to be me.

Anyway, everyone smiled back. It’s amazing how contagious contentment is.

But then, there was the one who, encouraged, turned around and parked himself next to me. I wasn’t opposed to this — at first, anyway.

I sat there quietly and watched the ducks splashing around, quacking away. It took him awhile to gather up enough nerve to speak, and when he did, I was disappointed. Not that there is anything wrong with people who don’t have a grasp on the English language, but here is my one “picky” thing in potential partners. I am a writer. I am a grammarian. I am a journalist. My one talent — no, love in this world is language. Sentences that are missing verbs and such are my equivalent of running nails along a chalkboard (or biting on tin foil. Ack. Hairball. Huz).

Not to say that I didn’t try to make conversation. But neither one of us understood a word the other one said. Well, he did say something to the effect of let’s go party. (I didn’t ask what that meant — I had acquired a headache and decided to leave.) I did give him my number when he asked — just not the number of the phone that’s actually in service or anything. LOL. I know — evil!

“Someone whispered you were 39 today
A face so young, eyes so old
You collapsed into a corner
Like some body of raw nerves
You near seduced me
With your verbs
As I reached out for you
You said over and over
Oh when you think
You’ve got your life so well-controlled
It slips away
And the years
Like raindrops falling from your life
Are washed away
You’re so brilliant
You’re so gifted
So sensitive
So strong
As you hide behind your barricade of words
But no one got close enough to you
To have ever heard.”

So, I guess when I was hoping for someone to be interested in me, I needed to be a twee bit more specific. I want someone who can not only hold up a conversation, but someone who will enrapture me with their voice, their words, their ability to become swept away in the memories or the dreams and take me along for that magic carpet ride. The truly fascinating individual can talk about nothing in particular and, still, I will leave the conversation with my head spinning a thousand miles an hour, remembering how enchanted I was just to be in their presence.

Specific enough? LOL

I can’t believe I’m even sitting here, writing about this. Or, that I’m even dreaming of something more than survival. I’ve hit some difficult patches that were agonizing at the time and, yet, I’m having an even harder time right now overcoming them. If I could offer you one piece of advice that I hope you take from me, it’s that you need to face things when they happen and grieve right away. Why? Because more shit is going to pile up on you, and the house of cards collapses, leaving you buried in the ruins. And guess who has to clear out the debris and start over again? You.

Of course, I feel like I’ve spent my whole life either grieving or running from something. When shit gets tough, I deal with it and move on — often before I’m ready. That’s the way I cope — I acknowledge that something happened and then I diligently try to act like it no longer bothers me. It’s like bereavement policies — you are entitled to your one to three days, but then everyone expects you to be your sunny, happy self right away. But what kind of leave policy do you get when YOU die (inside, anyway)?

“23 today and all your friends are getting married
You say they’re so scared of being alone
So self-righteously you marched through teacher’s college
Still so much in life you’ve got to get to know
Seems like everybody’s so content to move so slow.”

You don’t get anything. You just try to juggle responsibilities with healing time. If you’re like me, you might take on too many projects, just to not have to deal with yourself. But, also if you’re like me, you learn to admit when enough is enough — you realize that YOU are as much a priority as anything you have to do. You have to give that inner child of yours a chance to run and cry and laugh and play in a world without boundaries.

Amy’s comment hit home for me, about how her inner child tries desperately to be the center of attention and then hides. OMG, if I didn’t think we were separated at birth befire, well then this did it for me. I was thinking about how, for as much as I try to be brilliant and seen and appreciated and even wanted, well, there’s that other part of me that plays blonde and says, “Who, me?” when someone is finally smart enough to take notice. I guess I’ve just had so many people NOT see or appreciate me that I tend to be suspicious of anyone who wants to hear what I have to say or who is brave enough to call bullshit on me when I deserve it.

And I guess that’s what I want most of all — someone who looks at me and SEES me. Someone who sees the lady that I try to present and someone who engages the inner child who doesn’t know how to play with others because she’s spent so much time in her contained little world with her grown-up neuroses. Someone who gives the inner child a lollipop and dries her tears and deftly extracts the scissors from her hands. Someone who takes her hand and helps her to climb out from behind the castle walls and shows her that she’s allowed to be happy for more than five consecutive minutes without anything bad happening to take it all away. Someone who can be strong when she is not so that she can regain everything she’s lost or never had in the first place. Someone who loves her for all that she already is and who helps her to become what she hasn’t quite managed to attain yet.

Imagine what we could all be if we weren’t submerged in everyday and/or superhuman concerns. When did all these grown-up responsibilities and worries take over our lives? When did we forget that we have more to contribute to — and extract — from this world than just being able to say we got by?

“Go to bed go to sleep don’t think don`t feel
That the nighttime holds a prayer
That maybe somewhere deep inside
There’s some meaning aching to be shared.”

On iTunes: Dan Hill, “14 Today”

This entry was posted on Monday, April 11th, 2005 at 9:43 PM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.