If I were a moodring, my color would be hellfire

May 23rd, 2005, 9:17 PM by Dawn

Maybe it’s that I’ve realized that I’m closer to age 60 than I am to birth. Maybe my hormones are starting to act up. Maybe it’s that I have a family visit and loads of weekend traffic to face. I don’t know, but I encourage you to respect my space and don’t get within flying-object distance.

Just kidding — I *~*heart*~* you guys. And you know to throw chocolate and to back away slowly. 😉

I read something today that disturbed me. You may know that I read a lot on workplace and management issues (and I promise my Club Medicated colleague-to-colleague cards will come out SOMEDAY!). You may know that I get freaked out at the thought of not having a job because I don’t have anything else in my life to keep me going. But today, I got plain old perturbed when I read that workplaces are just that — places to work. That rules about not socializing should be as pounded into your head as the dress code. And if I read it correctly, the article wasn’t exactly against stuffed-shirt attire.

And maybe I’m hyperemotional, but my head exploded. I remembered temping at an accounting firm, long ago, where the rule was that you couldn’t even be seen walking into the building in tennis shoes — you had to change in your car or at the bus stop. I remembered working in places where your talent was nice and all, but what really seemed to matter was whether you looked the part. You were talked about and, often, talked TO about every imperfection the all-knowing “they” found in you. Every day, you skulked in and out and hoped to simply not be noticed, no matter how much money you spent on your outfit. People hated working there. When creativity and individuality and COMFORT in personal expression are discouraged, it’s difficult to come up with ideas on command. I know — I’ve had to do it in the past. And the truly dedicated among us will suck it up and give the performance of a lifetime, but even we know in our heart of hearts that some places will never change.

But, that’s a fact of life and always will be. Can’t change that. But what can be changed is the spirit in the air, the camaraderie during the day-to-day activity (or, as I’ve found, changing the job doesn’t hurt!). And we do have rules on socialization — they’re called sexual harassment guidelines. Outside of that, it makes the day go a hell of a lot faster when you genuinely like and support the people who see you the most and might even know you the best. You want to know that they’re going to go to bat for you, because you’ll throw yourself in front of a bus for them, if need be. You find that, when you’re happy, you have higher expectations of everyone around you, including yourself. You find that you’ll be happy if you never utter the words, “Well, THAT figured,” unless someone treated you well yet again and it simply figured that they would do something astonishing and special, because that’s what you’ve come to expect.

Shan and I talk often of emotional bank accounts — how there is an account with every friendship or relationship ever built. Some turn into short-term loans; some tank with the stock market. But others flourish from constant deposits and only-as-needed withdrawals. The same is true at work. Like at the places I mentioned earlier, if the bank is robbed or the account is never opened, then you’re operating at a deficit and you’re constantly feeling cheated. But when you have an opportunity to contribute and to build a foundation, then all parties can forgive when an expectation is not met. That’s the weird thing, though — having high expectations. They make you want to work harder — to be better. And they seem to make others want to constantly exceed them. And sometimes you wonder if they just magically, inherently know what to say and do.

In any event, though, “socializing,” as the article called it, is really “trust-building.” It’s investing in the intellectual and emotional health of a relationship. Even if you don’t get a lot of “information” about each other, per se, you find a way to worm into each other’s thoughts and maybe even hearts, on some level or another. It’s the difference between being willing to throw yourself in front of a bus for someone versus dreaming of throwing THEM in front of a bus. And we’re more willing to save those whom we know would walk through fire for us as well.

Not to say that work isn’t *the* priority — of course it is. But it isn’t the only one, especially given that most of us are willing to give way more than 40 hours, so it doesn’t hurt for some of those hours to be filled with laughter, companionship, sunlight, distraction that will ultimately clear our heads for even bigger ideas to be born.

So, I guess what I’m saying is that the value of saying hello is unparalleled. Learning more, asking questions, complimenting one’s personal style or disposition, listening, taking cues from body language (whether knowing when/how to proceed and when to tread carefully without walking away) — it’s a dance, and a hard one to learn. But the payoff is better than any paycheck when you feel free to play the greatest role of your life … yourself.

On iTunes: Sneaker Pimps, “Tesko Suicide”



Reader Poll Monday">Reader Poll Monday

May 23rd, 2005, 9:13 PM by Dawn

1. What is the last movie you saw in a theater?
“The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”

2. If you could create your own reality TV show, what would it be?
Something dealing with anger management — I would love to watch people beating each other with foam bats. You wouldn’t even need a plot!

3. What was your favorite Crayola crayon color?
Tickle Me Pink (for the name). When I was a kid, I loved Hot Magenta.

4. When it comes to chocolate, do you prefer dark of milk?
Dark. The new dark chocolate M&Ms? Long overdue. I could use some right now. …

5. How old were you when you had your first kiss?
Eight. I kissed Timmy Bower during a class movie in the second grade. The teacher totally threw me out of the classroom and made me sit in the empty classroom across the hall and do extra work. I was such a dork — I was happier doing the project than watching the film!

6. If you could be a fly on the wall during a major historical meeting, which one would you choose to observe?
I’d love to go meet the brainiacs who have drafted so much hate-filled legislation, but alas, if I’m a fly, then that means I can’t be holding a two-by-four when I hear phrases like “sex is between a man and a woman only,” etc. I don’t know — I would’ve loved to see Shrub Senior throw up on the prime minister of Japan. I have high aspirations like that. 😉

7. What is something you do for the benefit of others?
Not kill them I get over things very quickly and extend forgiveness when it is requested (and even when it’s not). I smile even when I’m not feeling it — I’m not the only person who has hard days, and sometimes a random smile from someone can turn my day around, so I try to do that for others, in turn.

8. Have you ever had a dirty dream about someone you know online?
Heh. That answer is an unequivocal YES … and wouldn’t YOU like to know who?!?!

9. You have $50 to spend on lunch. Where do you go and what do you eat?
Buffet lunch at a strip club Actually, I’d love to try McCormick & Schmick’s for a decent filet mignon or Chilean sea bass.

10. Do you have any nicknames?
Not anymore. 😉

On iTunes: “Groove Salad” radio



*kick*

May 23rd, 2005, 9:00 AM by Dawn

I was going to buy the new Excedrin Sinus Headache pills yesterday but thought, “Hey, I haven’t had a sinus headache in a year!”

Until today, that is. I feel like a midget has stuffed himself inside my head and is trying to root around. Seriously, this is one of those days wherein I would love nothing better than to be in bed. Or lighting myself on fire to divert attention from the sinus pain.

On iTunes: “Groove Salad” radio



List-mania

May 23rd, 2005, 8:03 AM by Dawn

My mom is one of those listmaker-types who can’t remember or won’t do anything that is not written in black-and-white. I think she just gets high off of crossing things off the list.

I’ve tried to be one of those people — I make lists all the time. On Friday night, before I left work, I wrote down things I needed to buy or to do … and promptly forgot the piece of paper on which I’d written them. This included something that I needed to do this morning — and not just WHAT to do, but HOW to do it.

I remembered the WHAT part — mission accomplished. But I did it the wrong way. The end result was achieved, although the methodology was circumvented. And a lesser person would argue that, screw it, the effect was achieved despite being half-awake. But I of course take it as a great opportunity to beat myself up learn from it.

I drive myself nuts some times — I either have hyper-attention to detail or no awareness whatsoever. And I even get a nagging feeling, like I know something’s off, but the longer I stare at something, the less likely I am to figure it out. Until, of course, it’s too late. Like, take my bank account — I managed to bounce it sky-high again. Because I am an idiot like that. I wrote down about half of my transactions — like, isn’t that enough? Why do I have to be thorough with that? But I am so thorough with, say, writing something that I will obsess over it for hours until it’s perfect. And nobody notices that but me. Why was I born to obsess over the “wrong” things but to completely screw up what “matters”?

On iTunes: Garbage, “Milk (Wicked Mix)”



Kvetch

May 22nd, 2005, 5:19 PM by Dawn

I just need to bitch.

I love Apple and always will (until the day comes that Windows doesn’t suck. Which will be never and, thus, I resort to my earlier statement).

So I broke down today and bought myself an early birthday present — Tiger. Yay, right? Wrong. Guess whose G4 somehow does not come with a DVD player. The hell? My pathetic iMac that I got back in 1998 had a DVD player! Does the more expensive/advanced hardware not come with the good stuff?

So, now, I get to mail back the package to Apple with $10 so that I can get CDs instead of the Install DVD. I’ve been all over the Internet seeing if I can get a DVD player, but no such luck — just updates that can only be used if the Tiger system is already running.

Happy fucking birthday week to me. Considering that I don’t even own a regular DVD player (because my TV was incompatible with the one I had, so I gave it away), I should have just bought a fucking television like I had been planning to do in the first place.

On iTunes: Beth Nielsen Chapman, “Trying to Love You”



All the world’s a stage

May 22nd, 2005, 1:48 AM by Dawn

The song from “Reality Bites,” “I’m Nuthin'” “Story of Our Lives” comes to mind, but alas, this is the soundtrack of my life:

Your Life: The Soundtrack

Created by aiko and taken 26366 times on bzoink!

Opening credits BT, “Somnambulist”
Waking up Seven Mary Three, “Wait”
Average day Sheilla Nicholls, “Question”
First date Ivy, “Let’s Go to Bed”
Falling in love Bic Runga, “Sway”
Love scene SWV, “All Night Long”
Fight scene Ani DiFranco, “Gravel”
Breaking up Melissa Ferrick, “Some Kind of Nerve”
Getting back together Bonnie Raitt, “Dimming of the Day”
Secret love Melissa Etheridge, “The Weakness in Me”
Life’s okay Sarah McLachlan, “Elsewhere”
Mental breakdown Beth Hart, “L.A. Song”
Driving Joni Mitchell, “Case of You”
Learning a lesson Cyndi Lauper, “Eventually”
Deep thought Alanis Morrissette, “No Pressure Over Cappuccino”
Flashback Black Lab, “Time Ago”
Partying Shannon, “Give Me Tonight (Jonathan Peters Factory Mix)”
Happy dance Staind, “So Far Away”
Regretting Everything But The Girl, “Single (Brad Wood Memphis Remix)”
Long night alone Bon Jovi, “Open All Night”
Death scene Fisher, “I Will Love You”
Closing credits The Calling, “Our Lives”

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You can’t make this up

May 21st, 2005, 12:18 PM by Dawn

Overheard at the salon today: “Do you have time to do a full set (of nails)? ‘Cause mine got broke when I was in jail.”

Overheard at the place where I hemmorhage money into my car: “*wolf whistle* Damn, you sure got a clean and well-maintained engine under that hood.” (*blink* “Why, yes, thank you! Can you see it through this skirt?”)

Said with love, Tiff admitted, “That was humiliating. And I am totally laughing at your expense,” when I casually mentioned that I had totally gotten caught checking somebody out.

A pregnant friend: “Yeah, my husband WILL be getting a vasectomy after this kid comes. I told him he has no choice.” Me: “Of course he has a choice. Either he gets the surgery, or you chop off his nuts with a machete. Put one of those on your baby registry.” And later, as we were hanging up the phone, she said, “Go enjoy your bloody mary. I’ll have a bloody testicle myself!”

On iTunes: The Calling, “Our Lives”



Go figure

May 20th, 2005, 9:20 AM by Dawn

Why oh WHY did Diet Pepsi with Lime not come out until after the Pepsi/iTunes promotion ended? Do you know how much crappy regular Diet Pepsi I chugged to get a couple of free songs?!?!

On iTunes: Garbage, “Only Happy When it Rains”



Friday Five">Friday Five

May 20th, 2005, 8:58 AM by Dawn

‘Cause I’m feeling all meme-y and such this week.

1. What made you happy this week?
Knocked a lot of crap off the to-do list. Felt kind of empowered.

2. What made you sad?
Watching “ER” last night — it was Noah Wyle’s last show! *sniffle*

3. What made you angry?
The student loan company seized my tax refund. Bastiges!

4. What are you looking forward to in the next week?
My birthday! And a manicure — hooray! LONG overdue! Also, I want to figure out what to buy myself for my day — I like to do something special for myself. Maybe upgrade to Tiger if I can justify the expense.

5. What are you not looking forward to?
Memorial Day weekend travel. 🙁

On iTunes: Ivy, “Let’s Go to Bed”



Leadfoot meets pussyfoot

May 20th, 2005, 7:10 AM by Dawn

I’m getting spoiled by my new route home from work — it flows pretty well and gets me home in, like, 40-45 minutes. And I’m getting pretty spoiled by actually hitting the GAS PEDAL when I am driving!

So imagine my chagrin when I got behind a, well, pussy during my drive home yesterday. I know the road is long and winding and just plain dangerous, but let me give you a little hint. Speed limits? Are a RECOMMENDATION. Like when you go to a restaurant and you’re told that the special is the cheese-smothered chicken. While it’s courteous to be given a suggestion, that doesn’t mean that you can’t order steak or, in this case, DRIVE ABOVE 20 MPH in a 30!!! Sheesh. And the problem is that it’s a two-horse town two-lane highway and it’s impossible to go around.

Me: Leadfoot. Him: Pussyfoot.

And, for the record, I whip around those corners at 55 mph. If ever I don’t blog for awhile, go out to the woods and start poking through the trees, mmmkay?

And I’ve found that people really don’t care that you’re riding their ass … done mostly out of anger but also partly because I had a chain of fools up my ass, too.

Oh, and I have one more bitch to pitch. I decided to drive through a Taco Hell before starting my odyssey last night, and I realized I’ve been doing way too much of that lately. But that’s not the point here. 🙂 The point is that I want to kill the asshole who decided to design fast-food drive-thrus so that once you get in line, you cannot change your mind and run screaming. You pull in, realize you are 80th in line and that your order is probably going to be wrong anyway (which it was. Surprise) and decide to say fuck it, I’ll go somewhere else. HAHAHA — you can’t! You are surrounded by concrete and random patches of grass on both sides. Seriously, it took me longer to get my stupid-ass chalupa than it did for me to take my SATs.

One more highway-related thing: How fucking Pre-10-tious do you have to be to not only be a proud owner-and-operator of a Lexus, but to have “LEXUS” on your vanity plate? I almost got wiped off the GW by one of those vehicles on Thursday (clearly, in addition to not coming with turn signals, they lack rear-/sideview mirrors that work). Freakin’ morons. *sigh*

On iTunes: EBTG, “Single (Brad Wood Memphis Remix)”