I want to kill Oprah myself for starting the TomKat phenomenon.
On iTunes: Better Than Ezra, “Lifetime”
Insipid? Duh! You expect anything else around here?
June 24th, 2005, 7:25 AM by DawnFriday Five. And I’m feelin’ chatty this morning. 😉
I can tell you about the worst vacation ever and the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life.
Mom dated losers, one after the other, my whole life. Suffice to say I do not tolerate loserdom in my own life and reject someone at the first sign of uselessness (Exhibit A: The non-date from last weekend who won’t get the HINT that I am not IMPRESSED — lost your chance, bud. NEXT!)
Ahem.
These really are supposed to be short answers, aren’t they? LOL
Anywho, so Mom was dating this god-awful guy I called Scumby. Yeah, like Gumby, only less green and more filthy. Once he fell in a pond and, instead of SHOWERING, he got on the phone to tell Mom what happened — wet, dirty ass sitting on the couch and all. I refused to sit when she dragged me to his house.
He was quite addicted to beer. Seriously, if you went to sleep over at his house, the only thing happenin’ was SLEEP — fucker passed out and left us stranded in the swamp where he lived quite often. Mom took me along for company — I was 15.
So, Scumby wanted to take us on “vacation” which ended up being at a pint-sized trailer in the woods of Pennsylvania. *sigh* I actually documented every moment of said trip and wrote it up as a novel. I think Mom found it and burned the evidence. 😉
My favorite moment? Scumby needed to light the stove. Now, I am standing in the doorway — the stove is on my left and the refrigerator is right in front of me — watching this debacle unfold.
Best seat in the house!
Whatever Scumby did (seriously, it does not take a genius to light the freaking pilot light), the stove BLEW UP and sent him FLYING into the FRIDGE!!!! Flying, I say!
Holy shit, I laughed and laughed and laughed. I can’t imagine him hitting his head and back could possibly have hurt him — there was not a whisper of a breeze toiling around in his head. But he was projected a good 12 feet.
Mom has been apologizing for the last 16 years for that trip. All I have to say to that is:
Bug spray: $4
Notebook to record trip: $1.25
Years of therapy afterward: thousands of dollars’ worth
The memory of the Amazing Flying Scumby: priceless!
I’d say cooking out but that tends to require COOKING. I used to throw parties pretty regularly, but I can’t really justify the expense and, honestly, most of my friends have moved away or are hiking out deeper into Virginia to try to find quasi-affordable housing, so few people are in the neighborhood.
But I think I owe some folks a nice dinner (and I have salmon, and I love it with wasabi teriyaki sauce. mmm…) — now I just have to clean the house, as the cats like to trash it while I’m gone. And I’m ALWAYS gone.
‘Tis the season that my blood is replaced by peach iced tea.
Oh! I can’t find the link but I think it was the WaPo that reported that fish in the Potomac River are being found full of antidepressants and shit. Apparently people are flushing pills en masse into our nation’s waterways and our fish are drunk and stuff. So, perhaps I will be doing my best to drink more water so I can feel all shiny and happy like the fishies. 😉
Dare I travel to see the family during holiday-weekend hell? I’m sure they’d love it, but lemme tell you how SICK I am of sitting in traffic right about now. I got home ONCE this week before 8 p.m. ONCE!!! I dunno — anybody wanna adopt me for a cookout? ‘Cause I’m too lazy to do one this year. 🙂 I might just toil around town and make fun of the tourons — I’ve been wanting to hit the Visual Music exhibit.
Let me dream and think about what if I had enough free time — I promised myself that I’d try to drive up to Baltimore and hang out and even try to go to some of the beach communities around here. I’d love to go to Virginia Beach again — haven’t been there since I was 6 years old. But I need a road trip partner — any good conversationalists out there who want to be my co-pilot (requirements: must have a death wish. I drive FAST). Anyone want to travel with, or maybe even host, a gal on an expedition?
On iTunes: Bo Bice, “Freebird”