Although I did have fun with pulled quotes today. Girl’s gotta get her kicks somehow. 🙂 Not sure how those’ll translate for you newsreader-type visitors, tho.
I moved into this apartment two years ago yesterday. *memories* And of course, I’m still reeling over my pending eviction. Heh — I guess there’s no reason to even bother paying rent this month, as I might never get a chance to get a cashier’s check. (As they refused to cash my personal check — anything to get a late fee out of me. Fuckers.)
Seriously, who moves around Christmas? Rent specials are happening NOW. Not like I have two dimes to rub together, mind you. I don’t care how respectable a salary you are pulling in — in D.C., it evaporates. I mean, your first paycheck goes to rent alone. Alone! Second pay goes to bills, and maybe a little bit of funny money can be squeezed out for shopping and grocery-buying. It’s impossible to live alone and have good credit here — I quit paying my student loan three years ago when I arrived here, and I’ve pretty much given up on everything else. All hail the charge-off.
And even if I find a halfway decent place (aside: I LOVE my apartment now. Right size, right price, no pet fees, utilities included. Balcony where I am permitted to grill — most places won’t let you grill out on your own balcony!), how the hell am I going to get my crap there? Seriously, it’s 2005 — I should be able to teleport my happy ass as well as my furniture-related shit wherever I want it.
I’ll tell you what’s frosting my flakes most. It’s the fact that I fought SO HARD to keep this place when I wasn’t working. Every month was a toss-up as to whether I’d be locked out of this place (and would never get access to my stuff again). If Shan hadn’t paid my rent in January, I wouldn’t have been able to take my Dream Job when it popped up. Look, I’ve felt a lot of pain and cried many tears in this place, but it’s my bachelorette pad and, damn it, I just bought more shit to put in it!
That, and I really wanted to get out to Oregon for Christmas. And I wanted to do something really special for Mom’s birthday on Labor Day. I am just so fucking tired of life always being a big, fat ball of suck — I’m tired of my happiness being totally contingent on whether the universe is willing to afford me any.
*sigh*
I know to look at this as an opportunity. I know to be grateful that my neighbor wanted me to know it before the management springs it on us. I know that I’ve been a good tenant and they’re the ones losing out on me — they’re the ones burning bridges while they’re standing on them, not wanting to keep good residents around for when these places are renovated. Then again, we’re not exactly the affluent bunch — this community has been underpriced for the area, and with its immediate access to D.C. proper, they can easily double their revenues because people will pay it around here.
But what happens to those of us who can’t? Tough shit, of course. So now I am looking at leaving my beloved Virginia (ugh) and moving to Mary-Land (double-ugh). If that. I mean, I want to stay in the area. But you know me and my ever-pending existential crises — is this meant to poke me in the ass and go live in the Carolinas or Manhattan or even Oregon? Or should I go back to Pittsburgh?
Seriously, I am tired of trying to figure out life’s riddles right about now — I know I was given the lot in life that I have because I am the only one who can make it work. I have been positioned “just so” that I can either make miracles or sink to the bottom of the sea, and I know that I am perfectly capable of taking advantage of all the opportunities as well as suckage to make my life — and me — better.
Lach, I hope you don’t mind, but I wanted to share what I’d said that you’d thought was so appropriate: “I guess I know we both have so many unresolved feelings and are trying so hard to not have regrets, but finding the time/ energy/ sanity/ money/ wherewithal to create even the most ordinary of miracles seems so elusive some days.”
I know the universe will help me when the time is right. It always does. I always find that “right” combination of time and place and companionship. And I’ll survive this. I’ve survived worse.
And when I live through this, I’ll be that much closer to earning the better things that are out there for me. Maybe, after all is said and done, they’ll just be in closer proximity so that I don’t have to work so hard to find them.
On iTunes: Portishead, “Scorn”