Caterwauling

I just canceled my Bally’s membership (I think three years of paying nearly $50 a month and not USING it qualifies as a good enough reason) and immediately signed up for Netflix (as it took me three years to hook up my f’in DVD player).

This should lead you to (accurately) conclude that

1. I am a blonde (well, a brunette/redhead, but with an Inner Blonde).

2. I am a lazy ass.

3. I will continue spending more time on the couch, but it will cost me a lot less and therefore I will not have the guilt of, “I should be using that gym membership.”

Oh, and FUCK BALLY’s. I e-mailed them two months ago to say please don’t renew my membership. So I got a letter this week to thank me for renewing and my debit card will be dinged again in a week. The HELL?!?!

Phone Monkey: How can I help you?

Moi: Hi, I just got a letter saying my membership was renewed. Two months ago, I e-mailed customer service to ask to let the membership expire at the three-year period. Please discontinue my membership immediately.

Phone Monkey: Is your address still (blah blah blah) Alexandria?

Moi: That P.O. Box is still valid, and that’s where I got this letter. (Editor’s note: Here’s your sign!). I don’t live in the area anymore, if that’s what you’re asking.

Phone Monkey: So why do you need to cancel?

Moi: As I mentioned, I do not live anywhere near the club anymore (Editor’s note: I live right behind it. Why do these reps have the need to look up my ass and see what I had for dinner?) and, well, DON’T use the membership because I cannot GET to the club.

Phone Monkey: Well, if you’re not currently using the membership, I can put it on hold and charge you $4 a month till you come back to it.

Moi: No. I want out of this membership, please.

Phone Monkey: (long pause) Are you sure it’s a good idea to cancel? Because then you’d have to pay $50 to reinstate your membership when you come back around.

Moi: I just told you that I can’t get to the club. Why should I pay for the privilege of someday maybe making the drive to a club I never went to when I lived there?

Phone Monkey: You have a nice day.

Thanks for reminding me why I quit going in the first place (not to mention the rude personal trainer who insulted me liberally).

I’d rather pleasure myself with a chainsaw than pay them another dime.

On iTunes: Goldfrapp, “Tiptoe”

With NaNoWriMo coming up sooner than I’d care to admit, check out the list of writerisms of which we’re all guilty yet we somehow cannot fail to avoid. And despite my being (I think) a bona fide grammatical goddess (although it’s not so obvious on this blog! LOL), I should very well be stoned for having more interesting vocabulary than content. Mmm, being stoned. … 😉

And from Writer’s Weekly, World’s Worst Book Proposals. When submitting your finished masterpiece, I suggest using this line: “After all, hard work doesn’t necessarily get you anywhere in life. If anything, working hard is stupid, and theft seems a lot more intelligent.”

With seemingly everybody and their brother on the interview trail (and/or on a Doocing rebound), I saw this on MediaBistro: You can remove yourself from Google searches. If you try it, let me know if it works, ’cause I just got a big surprise the other day when I found that pieces of a website I killed are still very much alive in some parallel dimension. 🙂

On iTunes: Kelly Clarkson, “Behind These Hazel Eyes”