I felt so good after the first time I said everything that had previously been going unsaid (due to me being a downright puss else trying to keep the peace), I think it’s high time to attempt to unwind from the stress monkey that I’ve become again.
No, I do NOT need to chill out or calm down. People need to stop being assholes.
I know I don’t matter to you, but I matter to me.
I feel like a prisoner. And I’m claustrophobic.
I am too exhausted to contribute positive, creative things to the world. Sorry, world.
I wanted to tell you something. Not that I was particularly proud of it, but I wanted you to stop me. I wanted you to give me a reason why, because right now, you could be reason enough.
Is it so wrong to just want a little bit of happiness, and to take it any way you can get it?
I’m tired of being afraid of you being capable of doing terrible things. I hope my prayers that you use that energy for better things — even and especially if they don’t affect me — work.
You’re not confused.
Girls can still win pissing contests, assclown. All I need is the right strategy to give you the smackdown. Believe me, I’m working on it.
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October 21st, 2005 at 9:52 AM
If I may, I’d like to add one I’ve been wanting to scream at a certain someone from my past (and thanks for starting this, we all need it now and then).
I’m sick and tired (literally) of you often being the reason I can’t sleep at night. I’m mad as hell that it took me five years to be able to touch another person because of you. And I want those years back, damn you. And I’m also pissed as hell that you ever made me doubt myself.
October 21st, 2005 at 10:11 AM
Knowing your story, Amy, I totally agree with where you’re coming from.
Me? I just had an insane crying jag. I’m sick of feeling like I’m wrong for being frustrated on every possible level. People medicate themselves because they think it’s their problem that they can’t handle the way things are. None of us need that — we need to be strong enough (and given the green light, when necessary) to change things. But how do you find the strength to do that from a weakened state?
October 21st, 2005 at 11:10 AM
I can only speak for myself, and sometimes you do just have to pull the covers up over your head and let the feeling pass.
Sometimes, a crying jag, an angry entry into either the private or public journal does the trick to push me forward. Sometimes I realize I need to pick my battles and just move on. Other times, well, tired as I may be, I borrow a page from the hub’s lexicon and grab something by the balls until it comes around to my way of thinking. Heh.
And to your point on medication, at one point I was placed on Paxil. In addition to having horrible bouts of the shakes, I started falling asleep at the wheel. I decided my neuroses were a lot healthier than me killing myself or someone else.
You aren’t “wrong” for being frustrated on every possible level. Your own feelings are never wrong because your feelings, like a tattoo, are one of the few things that are really yours. Admiting your frustrated and trying to do something about it is, at the very least, movement, and movement is usually a good thing.
October 22nd, 2005 at 1:12 AM
Of course, girls can win pissing contests over boys. Ask any female dog owner who used to have a lawn. The girls win every time.
October 22nd, 2005 at 12:48 PM
Paper or plastic, decaf or regular, tastes great or less filling, it’s a confusing world. 😀
October 24th, 2005 at 6:45 PM
This is just as enjoyable when other people do it. Let it all hang out, girrrl!