Caterwauling

I *~*heart*~* January. New “Grey’s Anatomy,” “24,” “House” and, of course, my beloved “American Idol.” *swoon* One day I might actually learn how to program my VCR so I can actually CATCH everything I want to watch, but alas, I can count on summer reruns for most of it.

My best friend called this morning as I was driving to work (10 a.m. EST, 7 a.m. Pacific — i.e., her time). She asked if it were OK to put her daughter on the phone with me, which OF COURSE — she’s the only toddler who’s been articulate enough on the phone with me to warrant subsequent calls.

Long story short, Alex (the munchkin) is as addicted to “Idol” as Shan and I are. Poor kid’s got the flu, so I understand it that she wanted to call me late last night, but Shan said they had to wait till today because I was asleep. (I probably wasn’t, but still.) Anyway, Shan said Alex never went to sleep so quickly as she did when she heard, “Go right to sleep and you’ll be able to call Aunt Dawn when you wake up.”

I’ve been warned that this ploy WILL be used again because Alex NEVER goes to sleep on command like that!

Anyway, Alex woke right up this morning, promptly threw up and, as Shan was washing her face, Alex pointed to the phone and said, “Call Aunt Dawn!”

So I got the call, only to hear this very precocious 2 1/2 year old tell me, “Aunt Dawn! ‘Idol’ on tonight! Love you!” and she handed the phone back to Shan. What a way to start the day!

And of course we all just decompressed just a few minutes ago. “Idol” is still on over there, but it was good to at least “watch” it together for old times’ sake. (Shan and I used to watch it on the phone while they were still in Virginia — long before Alex could talk.)

Anyway, how mean were the judges? I wanted to kick Simon’s ass a few times — especially that “Will we have a bigger stage this season?” bit when the one girl left the room. (And she was fantastic! He’s such a fuckhead.) One of the judges said the gal reminded them of Frenchie (Davis), and Simon said she reminded him of France (the country). Dick. Although, let’s face it — that’s why I tune in!

Reader Poll Monday

1. What is your most prized posession?
My Mac

2. What one thing are you most proud of?
Surviving the last year and a half. My best friend reminded me of it this morning — she called while I was driving to work to wish me a happy anniversary, and she pretty much hit me over the head with, “You were never going to accept defeat. You are making it and thriving in D.C. — you didn’t go home to your family to sleep on the floor and waste away your life. You made things happen and will CONTINUE to.”

Everyone, everyone needs a friend like her. And I am also insanely proud of having found her as a friend.

3. What one thing do you regret most?
We have that pesky little thing in common that our former employers found our blogs, and I said some really not flattering things about my old employer. I mean, REALLY unflattering. And while I don’t regret a word of it, believe it or not (I meant everything I said, and I tried to make sense of things and find solutions instead of just outright complaining), I do regret some of the mean-spiritedness I exhibited in some instances.

I really liked the job itself and gave it up voluntarily when I knew the blog had been discovered (man, were they surprised — they thought I was psychic! Hello webalizer and holy shit, WHEN did I get the Instalanche?!?! Ahem.) and departed on the best terms possible.

But again, I cringe when I think about the laughter I had at their expense. Not to say they didn’t enjoy stomping on my dreams at any given opportunity, but I should have been a better person. Either that, or more clever at hiding my identity. 😉

4. If forced to choose, would you rather cut off your own thumb or have your entire dominant hand surgically removed?
Given that I rip off my acrylic nails when I’m stressed, I’d likely get to my thumb eventually.

5. What is your favorite dairy product?
Is there any answer other than cheese? Seriously? Because I love it. Especially mozzarella string cheese.

6. Can you rollerskate/rollerblade?
I haven’t been on rollerskates since I was 8 years old, so I’ll gander a big ol’ NO to this one.

7. How many pillows are on your bed?
Five

8. Do you have any pet political issues?
I am a card-carrying liberal. Not a tree-hugger, just someone interested in the greater good. Poverty, unemployment, homelessness, social equality, universal healthcare, social programs, abortion, make-love-not-war — these causes will rile me up till the day I die. I’m not one to get into political debate, though. I am what I am and I believe what I believe, and I donate to causes that I care about because they’re the ones doing the hard work and allowing me to have my civil liberties.

9. When you find out that someone has been lying to you and willingly hurting you (without even a hint of an apology) for 4 months, is it *wrong* to wish that some greusome and painful illness befalls him? Or that he gets his cold heart stomped on by someone else for the rest of his pathetic life?
Ooh, boy, if I could hear the story behind THIS question! 😉

I relate in my own way, and on a variety of levels. Suffice it to say that people do in fact get what’s coming to them, even when you watch them seemingly celebrate one success after another and a lot of it after stepping on your personal psyche and draining your creativity and strength and other personal resources to get ahead in life. I’ve often wondered “Who the FUCK does he think he is that he can do this to me? He ain’t THAT special!”

I don’t wait for the mighty to fall — I simply expect to rise higher than they do. Although, I must admit, sometimes I fantasize about stepping on their pwecious widdle egos on my way past!

10. Ask me something.
What’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said to anyone?

Happy anniversary to me. I’ve gotten through one year on the job without killing anybody (or myself) or blogging about it. Whee! Celebration indeed!

I’ve learned, I’ve grown, I’ve seen more of the world than I ever dreamed possible. I’ve had hornets butterflies and I’ve seen victories. I’ve had days when I wondered what the hell I was doing with my life and others where I couldn’t for the life of me come up with a better place to be.

They say the journey of 1,000 miles begins with one step. Well, judging by my car, I’ve driven 21,000 miles, so I think it’s fair to say that I’ve logged more hours and done more commuting in a year than most do in three.

What a year it’s been. It was my “get back on my feet” year — there was a lot of convalescing done in my heart and in my head. But I got back to work, I got back into writing for myself, and I recovered my ambition to rejoin the human race.

This year is the “get back on my feet financially” one. As well as a continuation of rejoining the land of the living. There are certain life milestones that I assumed would never be for me. It’s not that I never wanted them — I just never figured they’d come to me. And it seemed that no matter how many hours I’ve ever worked or how many jobs I juggled at one time, I never felt like I caught up, let alone got ahead. And all of that came at the expense of not only being forced to start my career all over again, but also at passing up people who could have possibly been those with whom I could have been reaching those life milestones.

When I was leaving my old job, someone asked me why I felt compelled to blog so much of my life — in her (paraphrased) words, why couldn’t I just go out and find someone to date and just talk things out of my system and move on from them? I would have preferred to have a real, live human, of course. In response, I had inquired when I was supposed to find the time to meet someone when I had an ankle bracelet chaining me to the desk — I was too burned out to go be “on” for potential dates.

Those who’ve been with me through my many blog incarnations know that the format has changed, but not radically. I have gone from trying to teach lessons from my trials to just telling you, in the most roundabout way possible, what is happening in my world. But it occurs to me that by leaving out so much of the scary/sad/terrifying, I’m also depriving you of the evolution I’ve experienced to get to the other side of the moat.

I’ve met so many of you during the past year. And while we all aspire to be one thing online, it’s the offline characters who are truly captivating. I just wish there were a world in which we could all blog freely — because isn’t that the point? Growing together, learning from each other, enjoying who we are and having fun finding out exactly who that person is.

But we hide so much, and well, I guess that’s the way it goes and always will. I look at it as dating — you don’t want to know everything and then some about the person from the first minute. You want things to unfold, to incrementally get to know someone, to like the good points they show you before you get to the less-charming idiosyncrasies. And if there’s never another date, well, they get to remember you when you had your game-face on. It’s when the facade crumbles that we get into trouble, anyway. It’s when they decide they didn’t want you after all, or that they can’t live with the whole package.

Which is why I’m happy where I am for now. I can be me. It’s like you were previously in a relationship where someone tried valiantly to mold you into their version of perfect, and then you find someone who not only tolerates, but maybe even enjoys, you.

Imagine all the wondrous things we would be able to achieve if our heads weren’t so jam-packed with the sandbags of constant worry weighing us down. To take all the stressors and replace them with dreams, achievement, unwinding, pampering.

The world is missing out on so much — we deprive the universe of our talents and capabilities and creations when we’re fretting about dumb shit that won’t even matter when we’re dead.

I face today, and every day thereafter, knowing how far I’ve come (and knowing that I’ve traveled these roads twice before). So I’m not where I’d planned to be. But apparently the universe had a different plan for me than I did, and it’s in motion. And I can’t wait to see where I am next year at this time. …