Caterwauling

Not for lack of anything to write about, but rather for lack of being *able* to do a thoughtdump of the caliber I so crave right now, here are some things that have caught my eye ’round the Net:

Presidential Speechologist (*bwahahaha*)

Young earners face intense financial challenge. This is to promote a new book, “Strapped: Why America’s 20- and 30-Somethings Can’t Get Ahead.” Can I hear an amen from my fellow “bouncers”?

Somewhat related, Execs and managers more satisfied than workers.

The nutfuck anti-abortionists are in town. You know, the same ones who want to protect the lives of the unborn but who have no problem murdering anyone who happens to have *performed* an abortion in his or her career. I say keep abortion legal — and keep this crowd from procreating. PLEASE. These are the same people who protest gay unions — say it with me, THAT group would never need that surgical procedure, would it now?

On a lighter note, did you see Drew Barrymore’s “SNL” skit? After showing off her golden globes well, AT the Golden Globes (let’s just say that her ‘actresses’ needed ‘support’ — and lots of it), this was a well-timed and well-orchestrated nod to her need for a boulder-holder.

“Queer Eye” will make over your office. I started to contact them till I realized I’m a twee bit outside the 25-mile radius of Manhattan. *drat* My team would be funny as hell on TV.

For fellow “American Idol” junkies — the show will go into syndication this fall, with episodes to be remixed with highlights. Sweet!

From T-shirt Hell, a new shirt that’s sure to offend … FEMA.

Reader Poll Monday:

1. When did it become OK to spend $5 on a stupid cup of coffee?
Not until SBUX released the cinnamon dolce lattes. Because I held out for a long fucking time on frou-frou drinks until earlier this month, when I was downing those bad boys like they were an IV drip in Aspen. Because it’s cold there and regular coffee costs you the same damn price, so I decided to live a little. But I haven’t been able to justify scraping that much cash together for one fucking drink since then.

2. And $2 on a bottle of water?
That’s discount water — I just paid $3 for a fucking 16-ounce bottle and I was ready to throw it at the cashier when she told me how much it cost.

3. What color are your eyes?
Green.

Well, mostly.

One’s green and one’s hazel. They’re both rimmed in blue. So, in effect, my eyes are every color, depending on whatever I’m emoting that day (pale and moss-like on a day like today; emerald when I’m fired up or mischevious; blue-green when I’m mildly amused and brown when I’m in a funk). My grandmother used to love it when my eyes turned brown — she could tell me that I was full of shit and get away with it. 😉

4. What is the last thing you purchased?
I almost bought CK’s new Euphoria fragrance, but instead I was good and only bought a pair of jeans on clearance at Old Navy for $7.50 and a work blazer at Hecht’s that I’ve been wanting all season — it was marked down to $12.50 and there was ONE left — IN MY SIZE — when I stopped off at the mall on Friday night when traffic was backed up and I wanted a place to hide for awhile. Yay traffic!

5. Do you think celery and carrots belong in chicken noodle soup?
Hell no. Noodles and broth. Extra noodles, damn it. And mozzarella cheese — I *~*heart*~* cheese in soup.

6. You’ve got a 30 minute ride on the subway, would you rather sit beside someone who is clipping their fingernails or someone who is cracking their gum?
*shudder* I’ll take the gum-cracker, because I’d pull out a piece of citrus-mint Orbit and give them a run for their money in the annoyance department. If a fingernail clipping happened to land on me, I’d strongly suggest reading the headlines the next day for “Woman murders moron on subway, fingernail clipper found lodged in victim’s trachea.”

7. Do you have a dream list of gadgetry? If so, what’s on it?
First and foremost, a MacBook Pro. A laptop in general, really. It’ll probably end up being an iBook ’cause that’s the cheapest of the Mac laptop line.

In my dreams, however, I’d be surrounded by computers of every type (on the Mac platform, thanks), jammed full of all the best design software there is. I have Quark, but my copy is damaged and I don’t have the startup disk. I have Office but Excel is missing some component and it doesn’t work. I have InDesign but again, something’s screwy and it’s a pirated copy unfixable at present. If I didn’t have Photoshop, I’d probably kill myself.

Other gadgets (not software-related)? Anything you can think of. I’d love a flat-screen monitor. I’d also love a TV that doesn’t have to WARM UP before I watch it. (It’s Old, capital O.) Shit, a plasma TV would be divine — I love love love my black entertainment center, but that bitch is heavy and I need to move soon so I’d gladly give it up.

Seriously, I’d be an early-adopter of technology if only the cash flow hadn’t flown out of my account before it even got there.

8. When is the last time you cleaned your bathroom mirror?
(*hides face*). I scrubbed the tub last night, but the mirror’s been lacking attention for a month — when one of my four vanity bulbs burned out. When I replace the bulb, I’ll clean the mirror.

9. What is the last thing you do before you walk out the door in the mornings?
I pack a bag with work clothes (I drive 35 miles each way — I wear jeans and sneakers so my hoo-ha doesn’t freeze and I abhor driving in heels) and makeup, grab my portable coffee cup and say goodbye to the kittehs.

10. Ask me something.
What’s the most memorable dining experience you’ve had recently, outstanding in a good way or otherwise?

The Pittsburgh Steelers are headed for Detroit after their glorious win over the Broncos this afternoon for the AFC championship. Yay!

I am not normally a sports fan. I’d rather leave the boys at home in front of the TV and go shopping — at least salespeople will pay attention to you on game day. One hopes, anyway. 😉

But it’s different with the Steelers. I don’t (just) love them because that’s my hometown or because they’ve been playing their little hearts out, but I honor and worship them because it’s been so ingrained in me that there’s just no getting around it.

When I lived there, I did charity work for a living. What that meant was planning and executing fundraisers and applying for grants and forming partnerships with community organizations.

I don’t know if it was a clause in the players’ contracts, but it was a given that each player was associated with at least one charity and that we could always count on the organization to lend its name or donate a few autographed items for silent auction bidding. That stuff always garnered the most money, and we loved them for it.

I worked with several affluent and very philanthropic volunteers who were close personal friends with a number of the Steeler icons (players and otherwise) — Terry Bradshaw, Lynn Swann, Franco Harris, Joe Green, Dan Rooney, Bill Cowher — the list went on and on, right on down to then-current (circa late-1990s) players. (I do have a not-so-positive story, however, but I won’t speak ill of the dead OR their trashy stripper wives. *cough*)

In any event, I met lots of these guys and their wives, else I talked with them on the phone or simply sent them thank-you notes for their cash or in-kind donations that helped me to be more successful at my job. We’re talking about some of the nicest, most generous people who have ever walked this earth, I tell you. People who, year after year, said, “What do you need?” and were happy to give it, all in the name of supporting their local non-profit scene, particularly those of us whose organizations were providing services “for the kids.”

Bottom line: Pittsburgh sports icons walk on water, and justifiably so. That’s why those of us who blew out of there like tumbleweeds will still put on our Steelers gear and root for our boys to go all the way to the Super Bowl. Because it’s not just a good team, it’s also a team with heart and spirit going back for many generations. And that says nothing of the talent — seriously, their shit is t-o-g-e-t-h-e-r!!!

I do have a funny (well, now it is) memory from living there when the Steelers would lose a game. I mean, men got DEPRESSED. You just KNEW that if the Steelers lost a game, your ass was NOT getting laid that evening. Even during the days following a losing game, there was a quietude, a stillness, an aura of grief in the air. Pittsburgh, to me, wasn’t a “we won/they lost” type of city — the victories and the defeats were shared equally among the team and the fans.

Hence, I would love to see this team — this city — win the Super Bowl. As any Pittsburgher knows, they’ve won four and have needed that “one for the thumb” for upward of a quarter-century. I remember the last win, believe it or not. And while I wouldn’t fix my hair in pigtails tied with black-and-gold ribbons this time around, I’d be just as ecstatic nonetheless.

So now, we just await the outcome of the Carolina-Seattle game, and as if I needed another reason for Pittsburgh to win, I just want Jerome Bettis to not only return home a winner, but to walk out of there one as well.

Go Stillers!

I never get to sleep late, but today, I did — and good thing, because that’s apparently when the *sex dreams* have time to come out and play.

All I have to say is, I was so turned on in my dream that I woke myself up and, well, heh. The feeling must have extended into reality, ’cause if I’m not mistaken, I very well could have put someone’s eye out. 😉

Wow. I’m never going to look at THAT person quite the same way again. …

Now we return to our regularly scheduled navelgazing.

HappyBirthdayDawn.JPG

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn.

I mean, how often do you have a chance to see a photo of yourself with a vibrator on the tip of your nose? 😉

This was at a sex toy party at my house on a birthday that came and went last year. I ended up getting into “the business” myself because it was so much fun, but those f’ers kicked me out due to — get this — inactivity back in June. LOL. Sad, eh?

In any event, when going into “those kinds of stores” for “those kinds of products,” it has been found that by feeling the sensation on the tip of your nose, it gives you a pretty good indication of how it will feel, um, elsewhere.

That toy and I have been friends ever since. 😉

AllYaNeedIsaGroom.JPG

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn.

My friend’s younger brother is getting married. Again. The boy’s younger than me. The bride’s older than dirt.

I’ve met Old Girl — she’s perfectly nice. In a grandmotherly type of way. *shudder* Now, I admit I tend to date people about a decade older than me (five to 10 years older is my ideal), but perhaps it’s different for a 30-year-old woman to date a 40-year-old man, versus a 27-year-old man dating Estelle Getty.

I mean, he wants kids! And her eggs are poached! She’s got a kid (almost HIS AGE) and she’s declared she’s done. He’s hoping to change her mind. Good luck on that one.

Ahem.

Anyway, my friend’s parents paid for his first wedding — it was a huge affair. And in the divorce, he gave his ex everything. I mean, E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Down to paying for her to get multiple degrees, both cars, the house and all but the clothes on his back. The family? NOT HAPPY.

So, as this is his second go-’round, the girls in the family were asking my thoughts on etiquette insofar as what the groom’s family pays for. I said that with a second wedding, both parties (and not the parents) typically go 50-50, especially given that the woman’s been in the workforce practically as long as our young groom has been ALIVE. And, really, that it should be an intimate affair or, fuck it, they should elope.

(Hell, I’d elope for the first marriage. I don’t have enough time to do laundry, let alone plan a freaking wedding!)

Well, as this is Old Girl’s first wedding, she wants bells and whistles and the whole nine yards. And at her age, hell, let her have it. If I haven’t gotten married by that age, I’m sure I’d be a little bit batshit and immersed in the “someday my prince will come” fantasy as well.

Although I admit, I wonder if she wants the wedding more than the groom. 🙁

So, Bridezilla-to-be not only wants a Princess Di-inspired wedding, but she also wants his family to pay for it. Oh, and she doesn’t want HIS nieces and nephews in the wedding — only HER family can be in it.

But it gets worse. For their wedding day, she picked HIS parents’ WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!!! Holy crap, isn’t your parents’ day (for those whose parents are still married and, hell, even in the name of DECORUM nonetheless) supposed to be SACRED? Seriously, boyfriend needed to grow a set and say no to that one. I’m mollified, plain and simple. As is, oh, EVERYONE.

So anyway, let’s talk wedding invitation. Oh, yes, let’s.

They’re elaborate. Ribbons and shit. I mean, I’ve designed many an invitation in my day for black-tie events, and I know good taste with those sorts of things. This? Leaves an aftertaste, all right.

There’s a photo of the bride and groom, only Old Girl is wearing a wide-brimmed hat and all you can really see of the groom is, well, his elbow. I doubt wedding guests will even recognize him if they’ve never met him before!

So, anyway, he went to his parents and asked them to pay for the reception for (several hundred) people — most of whom aren’t even HIS family because they had to pare down the guest list to invite all her people. His mom’s livid and asked her daughter to call me (I’m hardly the wedding expert but, again, I know big fancy events and this is a big fancy MESS in progress).

What’s even more appalling (if you can believe it gets worse) is how she hangs all over the guy in front of his parents. Like, MOLESTS him. Shit, she’s probably THEIR age, and no, I’m not getting hung up on age — I don’t have much room to talk, on that front. I just mean that their family is so classy, so reserved, so upstanding in their community and truly respected. And hello, let’s welcome Trailer Trash into the family! Everyone’s up in arms.

In any event, the girls of the family wanted my advice on what the man’s parents are expected to pay for the second time around. I told them, tradition dictates that they can kick in for the honeymoon if they’re so inclined, but in this case? I’d suggest the parents of the groom arrange for the pre-nup and hire the notary ($25 bucks, baby!). If they’re so inclined, they can cough up a night at the local Holiday Inn, too. And no more, no less.

It’s stories like this that make me sigh in relief that I have next to no family to take into consideration. Even if I wanted the whole kit ‘n’ kaboodle, who would I invite? The blogosphere? 😉 Via iSight? LOL.

Nah, I just want a simple, pretty dress and two tickets to somewhere exotic. I’d like to invite my mom as well as the groom’s parent(s). My best friend hired a wedding planner in Hawaii, and everything was ready when she got there. You may remember the photos from Caterwauling v.1.0. That same thing would make me quite happy — I need a vacation more than I need the part-time job of planning a party!

I don’t have thousands of dollars to spare and I’m not spending it on people I never see and/or who will talk behind my back about every little detail. (My extended family? Merciless in their criticism of things that are classy and “uppity.” They don’t have an iota of room to talk about anyone — they often serve as the warning and NOT the example.)

I was once told that I was a “catch” based on my lack of family obligations — nobody to take into consideration for my decisions and actions, whether parents, siblings or kids. I can do what I want, when I want, how I want. My life truly is my own, and apparently that’s attractive. Heh. Now, somebody equally good please be attracted to it, damn it!!!! 😀

In any event, I really do hope my groom friend is happy in his second marriage — he seems like he loves her (I don’t get it, though, and I don’t plan to). I hope he gets a child of his own. I hope this one doesn’t take him to the cleaners if it doesn’t work out.

And for god’s sake, I hope he uses the remaining time left to reconsider to, well, reconsider.

The only good thing I have to say about today is that my underwear matches the nail polish on my toes.

And I so totally didn’t even plan that — it’s like it happened by assmosis.

My poor neighbor has been sitting outside in the cold for two hours. Why? She locked herself out of her apartment, and the new management refuses to come till 9 a.m. (it’s 7:30 a.m. now). Under the old management (just a few, short months ago), all you had to do was hand $10 to a maintenance person and in you went. Not anymore — seems the new management is intentionally being cruel to the (PAYING) squatters till they can evict us.

I offered the gal coffee and to come in and wait here, but she’s braving it out there sans caffeine and heat, god love her. I’d probably do the same myself, but not before I shot out the tires of the owner of the damn complex.

I just moved all my furniture around on Monday and really like the place. But alas, methinks that the next time I clean, I should really be packing stuff instead of reshelving it. I keep falling out of love with my cute little apartment with every passing day. 🙁

I *~*heart*~* January. New “Grey’s Anatomy,” “24,” “House” and, of course, my beloved “American Idol.” *swoon* One day I might actually learn how to program my VCR so I can actually CATCH everything I want to watch, but alas, I can count on summer reruns for most of it.

My best friend called this morning as I was driving to work (10 a.m. EST, 7 a.m. Pacific — i.e., her time). She asked if it were OK to put her daughter on the phone with me, which OF COURSE — she’s the only toddler who’s been articulate enough on the phone with me to warrant subsequent calls.

Long story short, Alex (the munchkin) is as addicted to “Idol” as Shan and I are. Poor kid’s got the flu, so I understand it that she wanted to call me late last night, but Shan said they had to wait till today because I was asleep. (I probably wasn’t, but still.) Anyway, Shan said Alex never went to sleep so quickly as she did when she heard, “Go right to sleep and you’ll be able to call Aunt Dawn when you wake up.”

I’ve been warned that this ploy WILL be used again because Alex NEVER goes to sleep on command like that!

Anyway, Alex woke right up this morning, promptly threw up and, as Shan was washing her face, Alex pointed to the phone and said, “Call Aunt Dawn!”

So I got the call, only to hear this very precocious 2 1/2 year old tell me, “Aunt Dawn! ‘Idol’ on tonight! Love you!” and she handed the phone back to Shan. What a way to start the day!

And of course we all just decompressed just a few minutes ago. “Idol” is still on over there, but it was good to at least “watch” it together for old times’ sake. (Shan and I used to watch it on the phone while they were still in Virginia — long before Alex could talk.)

Anyway, how mean were the judges? I wanted to kick Simon’s ass a few times — especially that “Will we have a bigger stage this season?” bit when the one girl left the room. (And she was fantastic! He’s such a fuckhead.) One of the judges said the gal reminded them of Frenchie (Davis), and Simon said she reminded him of France (the country). Dick. Although, let’s face it — that’s why I tune in!

Reader Poll Monday

1. What is your most prized posession?
My Mac

2. What one thing are you most proud of?
Surviving the last year and a half. My best friend reminded me of it this morning — she called while I was driving to work to wish me a happy anniversary, and she pretty much hit me over the head with, “You were never going to accept defeat. You are making it and thriving in D.C. — you didn’t go home to your family to sleep on the floor and waste away your life. You made things happen and will CONTINUE to.”

Everyone, everyone needs a friend like her. And I am also insanely proud of having found her as a friend.

3. What one thing do you regret most?
We have that pesky little thing in common that our former employers found our blogs, and I said some really not flattering things about my old employer. I mean, REALLY unflattering. And while I don’t regret a word of it, believe it or not (I meant everything I said, and I tried to make sense of things and find solutions instead of just outright complaining), I do regret some of the mean-spiritedness I exhibited in some instances.

I really liked the job itself and gave it up voluntarily when I knew the blog had been discovered (man, were they surprised — they thought I was psychic! Hello webalizer and holy shit, WHEN did I get the Instalanche?!?! Ahem.) and departed on the best terms possible.

But again, I cringe when I think about the laughter I had at their expense. Not to say they didn’t enjoy stomping on my dreams at any given opportunity, but I should have been a better person. Either that, or more clever at hiding my identity. 😉

4. If forced to choose, would you rather cut off your own thumb or have your entire dominant hand surgically removed?
Given that I rip off my acrylic nails when I’m stressed, I’d likely get to my thumb eventually.

5. What is your favorite dairy product?
Is there any answer other than cheese? Seriously? Because I love it. Especially mozzarella string cheese.

6. Can you rollerskate/rollerblade?
I haven’t been on rollerskates since I was 8 years old, so I’ll gander a big ol’ NO to this one.

7. How many pillows are on your bed?
Five

8. Do you have any pet political issues?
I am a card-carrying liberal. Not a tree-hugger, just someone interested in the greater good. Poverty, unemployment, homelessness, social equality, universal healthcare, social programs, abortion, make-love-not-war — these causes will rile me up till the day I die. I’m not one to get into political debate, though. I am what I am and I believe what I believe, and I donate to causes that I care about because they’re the ones doing the hard work and allowing me to have my civil liberties.

9. When you find out that someone has been lying to you and willingly hurting you (without even a hint of an apology) for 4 months, is it *wrong* to wish that some greusome and painful illness befalls him? Or that he gets his cold heart stomped on by someone else for the rest of his pathetic life?
Ooh, boy, if I could hear the story behind THIS question! 😉

I relate in my own way, and on a variety of levels. Suffice it to say that people do in fact get what’s coming to them, even when you watch them seemingly celebrate one success after another and a lot of it after stepping on your personal psyche and draining your creativity and strength and other personal resources to get ahead in life. I’ve often wondered “Who the FUCK does he think he is that he can do this to me? He ain’t THAT special!”

I don’t wait for the mighty to fall — I simply expect to rise higher than they do. Although, I must admit, sometimes I fantasize about stepping on their pwecious widdle egos on my way past!

10. Ask me something.
What’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said to anyone?