Caterwauling

Especially a music meme. Behold the weird shit I hear in an average hour:

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I’m going to tell you why I hate moving. It’s because I’m compelled to dump the thousand pounds of paperwork that I’ve hauled everywhere. Not only that, but also because I take the time to read it.

And I just shouldn’t.

I just threw away my entire fundraising career. Believe me, I have no plans to return to nonprofit management/development. But I also got rid of the cell phone and credit card numbers of some of Pittsburgh’s most prolific donors. Why I kept that info is beyond me, but I have notebooks upon notebooks of telephone conversation notes, contact information, budgets, timelines and whatnot. It’s amazing, really, what I have accomplished in my lifetime. It’s a good reminder that I set out to be special and I didn’t let myself get in the way of that goal too often.

And then, in the process of digging, we unearth the personal writings. The stuff written in margins and at the back of those reporter’s steno books that I adore so much. And it makes a girl realize how far she’s come, yet how grown-up she was when she didn’t feel like it at the time.

But my observations and such are so timeless, like I knew I was going to want to write a book about it someday. Which I will, I promise. The world hasn’t met me yet, but I always knew I’d want to introduce myself someday, somehow.

Anyway, I wrote this when I was 25:

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While on my summer mental health vacation today, I:

• Watched Season 1 of “Grey’s Anatomy.”
• Read blogs.
• Started to plot world domination; pondered instead the history of Ellis Grey and Richard Webber and wondered if Shonda Rhimes is really going to write “The Diaries of Ellis Grey” after all. Wondered how to become a writer on the show and why Webber didn’t leave his wife when Ellis left Thatcher. And Meredith’s mystery sister — was it Ellis and Richard’s? Or on her dad’s side? (*yawn*)

I am havin’ a blast, in case that wasn’t obvious!

Oh, I also picked up a pizza. During rush hour. Where I could see 395 traffic lined up for MILES. And there I was on the side street, happily zipping along with nary a pulmonary embolism forming in my chest from the usual stress. Sweet!

On Tuesday. Shut up. 😉

This week’s questions:

1. How many languages can you speak, at least at a conversational level?
I’ve chosen to excel at English, which I am sad to say most of this country’s residents treat like a foreign language and have only mastered a third-grade proficiency in it. *twitch* I can do French if I am concentrating on the task, but again, third-grade mastery.

2. Do you believe that bad things happen in threes?
And sevens, just like “Grey’s Anatomy” taught me. (“Superstition,” Episode 21)

3. If you could take away the pain (physical or emotional) of any one person, who would you choose and why?
My mom, both physical and emotional. Life’s really treated her like shit, and she gave up her world to take care of her grandmother, then me, then her mother and now her father. She wouldn’t know happiness if it threw its arms around her and held her forever, but she’d sure know it if it blew up in her face. Being a saint goes highly unrewarded and definitely uncompensated.

4. What is something most people don’t know about you?
You’d think that with snippets of my life splayed on these pages that I give you access to everything about me. But those of us who do blog know that you don’t even glean much more than 10 percent of the wizard behind the curtain. But what can I tell you in response to this question that doesn’t give away anything I don’t want you to know?

Here’s one — my heart breaks very easily. Now, I’m strong and tough and I will not let you know when you’ve gotten through to me. If you ask me a question and look at your watch (and let’s say it’s 5:30), I’m not going to answer you directly and I’m going to be mad at you until 5:30 three years later. But I’ll smile at you and digest what I was planning to say when you asked.

5. If you had the opportunity to learn the salaries of everyone you encountered, would you want to know?
Absolutely not. When I was in management, I had access to that data. And I could never figure out how I could pour my heart and soul into my work and be captive for 16 hours a day, yet I’d watch a lot of others half-ass their efforts and barely put in a six-hour workday and they’d be making equal or three times more. (I’m lookin’ at you, Demure. *kick*)

Look, I believe that we’re all where we’re at in life for a reason and that things will work out in the end, but in the interim? Worldwide salary disclosure would be the cornerstone of civil war.

6. What is one album or song that you think everyone should listen to?
If you’re completely ignorant of all the cool music, go to the “Grey’s Anatomy” website’s music guide and work backward from the link I just gave you. I am proud to say I knew most of these artists, but I’ve sure picked up a few gems that I will treasure till the end of time because hearing them in this show has made me appreciate them all the more.

7. Do you like to go grocery shopping?
I do. Not on a weekend, though. I like to wander the aisles and see what’s new. Like when Ben & Jerry’s came out with these itty-bitty little containers of ice cream (they’re $1.25), I grabbed up a bunch. Because it sure beats downing a whole pint in one sitting — this is actually a single serving. I love finding little treasures like that.

8. For a $1,000 donation to your favorite charity, would you be willing to walk around all day in public with a giant brown stain on the seat of your pants?
I would donate $1,000 to a charity to see its CEO walk around with a shit streak in his pants. (I have the charity in mind. Actually, about four of them.) I wouldn’t feel compelled to give money and make a fool of myself simultaneously. I get that the question has a radio show feel to it, like someone would donate it on my behalf. And my answer remains, “Oh HELL no.”

9. What are your thoughts on artificial sweeteners?
Splenda rawks. Sweet & Low is fine. Don’t inflict Equal on me.

10. Ask me something.
I’d love to know why my trackbacks never work, but I can live without knowing. What I do want to know is everyone else’s answer to No. 4.

So the countdown to gettin’ the hell outta Dodge has begun. And I? Spent the day fucking around town. I am on vacation, so I figured that if I were in another city, I’d be partaking of its local culture. Thus, I have been doing all of my favorite things in my local ‘hood.

Not like I’m moving far away, but for convenience’ sake, it’s probably the last go-’round with all the things I used to think were mundane.

This included going to the local watering hole, just to pick up some dinner to go tonight.

INSERT PREDICTABLE ENDING HERE

So I was sitting at the bar where I used to drink just a few years ago when … drum roll please … I met a boy.

God damn it.

Seriously, this happened to me when I was fleeing Pittsburgh for the wilds (note the sarcasm) of Northern Virginia. I was dating about six people at the time and I’d actually just met someone new. It was really cool, actually. There was that “Hey, I’m leaving soon. Let’s get it on already” motif to all of those last relationships. One for the road. Seeya.

I was a popular gal back then. 😉 That and a couple (*cough*) sizes smaller. That never hurts matters!

Anyway, maybe it’s a recurring theme. And while I’m only moving across state lines, let’s hope the luck comes back.

I have plans for Friday night already. But I sort of kind of forgot and agreed to meet the boy. Whoops. How quickly she forgets her prior commitments!

In any event, I met a bunch of decent people tonight. They recognized me from Shan’s and my infamous Bennigan’s days — that prehistoric area from before that bar closed down, when WE were the ones closing it down every night of the week. Seriously, how odd that I would find cool folks to hang with in my own ‘hood just as I’m about to abandon it. Gah.

SPEAKING OF THE MAD DATING ERA

I went to see “Failure to Launch” today. It was fine, cute, whatever. Glad I only paid matinee prices. I would have written it differently, but it was a great group of characters who actually feed off of each other’s energies, so they made it happen.

Anyway, Matthew McConaughey’s “Tripp” reminded me of one of those boys from my leaving-Pittsburgh era, the one I recall fondly as FHOFM Guy. He was quite snug as a bug in a rug at home, too, but we hung out at MY place as opposed to me ever setting foot into the parental palace. (Although his dad and I talked on the phone all the time. Dad was WAY more articulate and interesting anyway.)

But the point from the movie that got me? Tripp took “Paula” (Sarah Jessica Parker) home to meet his parents to precipitate her breaking up with him — that was his pattern, to get rid of women when they give him what he perceives as “The Look.” The look that I guess someone gives someone else when they’re falling for them.

At which point I mentally shook my fist at FHOFM Guy. Because apparently I gave him that fucking look. Because I remember him pointing it out (I don’t remember having it, though). Because I remember him promising that he didn’t want to do anything that would keep me from continuing to look at him that way.

Lying, cheating sack of shit.

*cough*

He ended up living with the next girl he met. Poor girl. Like Ron White says, “You can’t fix stupid.” Good luck with that! *mwah!*

Anyway.

I’m eager to see where this new prospect goes, if it goes anywhere. And if not, that’s OK too. Because all I want out of life and out of everyone I meet is something to help me to grow and learn and flourish and enjoy these moments.

I’m not in search of the love of my life. Rather, I’m quite content to simply fall in love with my life, moment by moment, again and again. …

1. I gave a wrong phone number to my next apartment complex — the number of my current complex. They have the realty name and the street address, but no one apparently was capable of Googling to see if I didn’t just write down a wrong digit. I wrote a 1 instead of a 7. Sue me. Perhaps if they’d listened to my “away” message on my work VM and called me at HOME where I AM, we could have resolved this DAYS ago.

2. Which means that yes, all systems are go for the move. Holy crap, this is really happening — no going back now.

3. I drove up to the new ‘hood and suddenly felt cognitive dissonance. I’m sure I will come to love my new place, but it’s like I’m about to run the race and the gun just went off and I froze in my spot, waiting for someone to tell me I don’t have to do this. And this feeling comes after all the puzzle pieces FINALLY fell into place. Gah.

4. Trolls kick puppies. Look, I don’t care what they say to/about me — if their self-esteem is so low and they have nothing better to do than whack off with one hand and type shit with the other, I’m not going to value their opinion. But say one fucking word about someone I love, be prepared to throw down. Note to today’s troll: I have traced you back to the Genius Bar. And Apple’s abuse team has been notified and they’re looking for your ass too. Be warned.

5. Ironically, I just read a chunk of “The Apple Way” at B&N today. Decent book. Not necessarily a page-turner, but its management lessons are pretty good. I was particularly enthralled by how damaging it is to have an “irrelevant CEO.” I can name two companies where that’s what we had. And that’s why you’ve never heard of those companies, nor were they lucky enough to retain someone like me.

5.a. This book made me nervous. I always find myself trapped between wanting to enjoy my work/colleagues/environment and taking it uber-seriously so that I can advance someday. It always has to be one or the other, and this book proves that you can’t have it both ways.

6. Bell-bottomed jeans were a bad idea the first time around, and they haven’t gotten any better. I hopped out of the car today and my heel caught in my hem and *thwap* — down I went, ass over teakettle in a parking lot. Heh. The grace I possess? Astounding.

7. Don’t check your voicemail while you’re on vacation. I mean, it’s a necessary evil, but it sort of undoes you a bit when that urgent message from Friday afternoon has gone by unacknowledged till Sunday night. Even though you do everything in your power to prevent a crisis, you just can’t always win the battle.

8. I am attractive to octogenarians. (Great.) I was getting out of my car at home tonight (without tripping) and got picked up by my new 83-year-old neighbor who wanted me to come drink martinis with him. He was serious. I gave him a hug and went on my merry way. *squick*

9. “Grey’s Anatomy” is on tonight. And thus, life is good.

1. I still haven’t heard the final word from the new apartment complex that I am to move into, like, SOON.

2. I scheduled movers anyway.

3. My nephew looks exactly like the baby in the Quiznos commercials. That or Charlie Brown. I am ga-ga over this kid. Happiest baby on the planet. I fed him and put him to sleep. C’mon, say it with me …. “Awwwww. …”

4. My niece is the reason I have been hit on six times in the past two days. I seriously have never had more men approach me to say hello in my life. I might need to borrow her more often! 😉 OMG, who could resist this face?

5. I had no idea I was capable of leaving a restaurant in less than 40 seconds with a half-eaten meal on the table and three purses on my left shoulder, a calm infant in my left arm (who was gnawing on a string bean with his two bottom teeth), a carseat in my right hand and four teething rings suspended from various fingers. But boy did I find out!

6. Mothers and grandmothers of small children have no idea where their purses are or that you dived under a table with kid, carseat and other crap in hand to get lost toys and purses. All they care about is booking when the toddler they just awakened to have some dinner is not happy about being awakened and is hellbent on having the world know it. However, when you mention to them while you’re hightailing it on the highway that you have their purses, they will say, “Awesome! Who wants to go shopping?” And then we hit the Kohl’s night sale, since it was right there. I’m certain the meal got paid for. But even I’m not clear how.

6.a. Said toddler, by the way, ran back into the restaurant and climbed back into her booster chair to finish the food that was in front of her after all of that. It was the only plate that hadn’t been cleared, ironically, in the fast departure.

6.b. I will be scheduling an appointment to get my tubes tied into a freaking Hallmark-quality bow at my earliest convenience!

7. I have, however, never been happier or more energized in my life. 🙂

So I suppose it’s time I introduce you to the new man in my life …

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There are days when you feel as though the world is sucking out your soul through a coffee stirrer jammed into your jugular, and then there are days when all finally feels right. Today? Is the latter.

I’m on my way to see my friend (finally!). We just got off the phone. Normally, when she’s on the phone, her little girl will squeal, “Talk Aunt Dawn!” and we will talk and she will tell me she loves me and then she’ll kiss and lick the phone. Ew. But today, she took a nap here on the same coast and in the same city as me, and when she awakened, she said, “See Aunt Dawn!” And I got the call to come visit. Which, squee!

I have a doll for Alex that’s as big as she is. I wasn’t sure what to get for Jordan, so I settled on a sleeper that says “I’m crawling and I can’t get up.” Stupid, yes, but he’s outgrown the very cute sleeper I bought him six months ago that’s still wrapped in Sesame Street paper and sitting in my desk drawer. Mom says that can go in my hopeless chest, although she’s worried that with me being around a toddler and an infant, her dreams of grandmotherhood will be shot in half an hour. And she’s probably right. 😉

Anyway, I could tell when Shan’s plane landed. The air felt different. Even though I’ve been sort of inaccessible since then (Tuesday night), I’ve still felt better because we’re finally in the same city again, even if only for a few days.

It’s cruel how the universe has placed me in a city that’s not-convenient to my family (although I might argue that it’s just far enough away for me) and insanely far from my friend — she’s like the sister I never had. (Incidentally, I do have a half-sister with the same name, but I’ve never met her and don’t need her.) Shan’s the sister I was meant to have, and while I get frustrated not seeing her as often as I want to, I’d be a hell of a lot worse off if we’d never met at all.

And tonight, it feels amazing to go not only see people I’m dying to see, but who are equally thrilled to be in the same room with me. This is what I’ve missed most, living on my own in D.C. Having a family or something close to it, having people around whom I can drop that ever-present guard of barbed wire and electric fence.

A number of you have written to me and asked about my new apartment complex — why I had to be in that particular one. Why I didn’t look around more and compare amenities and prices and even neighborhoods. It’s because the place has a concierge — a freaking activities director. Because they organize social events and outings and dinners and parties and all kinds of stuff I don’t get to do due to time/effort/will to live constraints. I’ll have that time again. I’ll have that spark again. And I will hopefully be able to network and light up again instead of only knowing the difference between each day by what’s on television that particular night.

Anyway.

I’m off to have the best night that I’ve had in a looooonnng time!

“We shouldn’t be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that fruity little club for scrambling his brains.”

“South Park” premiered last night and killed off Chef. I heard Issac Hayes’s voice (and spliced-together speeches) and wondered if he’d reconsidered his decision to leave because the show made fun of Scientology, but per the article, it was a voice track. And it completely rocked. Thank you, “South Park,” for always standing by your convictions of ridiculing everyone equally, and equally funny. Fruity little club that molests children. Heh.

I have to laugh that people are threatening to boycott Tom Cruise’s “MI: 3” if Comedy Central can’t re-air the episode where Cruise was “Trapped in the Closet” (the episode that pissed off Hayes and his widdle iddy biddy feelings). Honey, I’m boycotting it ANYWAY. I have a feeling I would have enjoyed “War of the Worlds” much better if that nutjob Cruise wasn’t in it. It’s time for all the crazy cult members to just get on their damn spaceship and fly away already, IMHO. Either that or learn to TAKE a joke and not always BE one!!!