Caterwauling

I found a new inspirational spot today, as I am apt to do when thoughts are overflowing out of my head. After work, I (voluntarily!) took a drive and found a lovely lake where I will most definitely take my journal when/if I ever find the damn thing. 😉

It will involve some hiking (gasp!) as I cannot pull the car right up to it, but no matter, as I am also oftentimes inclined to drive the car into random water bodies. So, exercise AND no suicide! Joy!

*cough*

In any event, I was listening to my favorite song of the moment as I parked the car and sat on it and watched the reflection of trees in the still waters. It was a strange and welcome symbiosis, how I was so lost in my mind yet I drove to a secluded paradise where I could work out the dramas du jour and *voila* to the perfect (for me) musical accompaniment.

So what would you say to me
If you could talk to me
You could ask anything
I wouldn’t lie
But you’re OK with this
Damaging awkwardness
So I’ll just play it safe
And keep it inside.

I was thinking back to Reader Poll Monday when Sherri asked whether we had secrets we’ve never spilled to anyone. And my answer is yes, although I can’t figure out how. I don’t have a poker face — I feel like I can’t hide anything … even if I don’t actually say it.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have any surprises in me because anyone without a severe visual impairment can see where I’m coming from. Which is kind of inconvenient when I’m actually forced to decide whether or not to be upfront about what exactly it is that I am up to at any given time.

Anyway, I did come to a decision. Or, rather, it was strengthened. Now I just need to grow a set and hop to it, because even though my mind’s telling me to reconsider, my intuition’s saying to give it all I’ve got. The song I’m posting today says “Don’t be afraid of me,” but the person to whom I most need to say that very line is, well, me.

Boys might not cry, but girls sure do. But the best things in life aren’t the ones most easily achieved. I just hope my Grand Idea leads to my Grand Plan and not to another 14K Fuckup like so many of my schemes have.

On iTunes: Plumb, “Boys Don’t Cry”
[audio:Plumb_BoysDontCry.mp3]

Not like there is any semblance of order or stability to my life, but I just got a potentially life-altering idea. An idea that I think is a brilliant one but has significant and potentially terrible implications, especially if said Grand Idea should backfire. If it works — and to say it’s a LONG SHOT is an understatement — I would have many more positives, but also more negatives, to juggle.

But what will I be thinking in a year from now if I’d never taken the risks required to know the outcome, either way? Is it worth the risk to exchange “pretty good” when you don’t know what you could be exchanging it for?

Lord, the battle plans that everything involves. Is it me or is every friggin’ step you take actually the result of exhaustive tactical warfare in your own mind?