I don’t like Mondays birthdays
32. Shit.
Other than having a birthday bagel waiting for me at work, I don’t see any reason that the day won’t fade in and out like all the others. Which is OK, I guess. I’ve pretty much isolated myself from the world so much that most people forget I’m still in it. And maybe I’d be remiss if I didn’t admit to enjoying the silence more often than not.
My birthday wish, even though there are no candles to blow out, is for a day when I actually look forward to waking up — whether on my birthday or not — and awaiting the sunshine the day should hold. Sometimes I feel guilty at the mere glimpse of sun and warmth that I can catch in a morning — like it wasn’t meant for me. So, when a day comes that should be *mine,* I don’t do much but wait for it to end so that I’m not feeling guilty because it’s unremarkable. Beats feeling guilty that I somehow expect something magical to occur when I know full well that ain’t happening.
Just do me a favor and don’t ask me if I’m having a good day or if I did anything special to celebrate. It doesn’t matter. All it does is make conversation uncomfortable for you when I say no. All it does is remind me that there’s some sort of expectation that I can’t live up to, that I’m not as special as I’d been taught to believe.
I’m not depressed. Not even disillusioned. Just in a lather-rinse-repeat cycle. And while it’s definitely better than a constant spin cycle, I just feel washed out. I just hope feeling washed up stays at bay for a long while longer, because while I’m accustomed to feeling a bit blue on a day like today, I need to figure out how to celebrate it myself — rather, celebrate myself.
I do have two rituals that I uphold, though. One is to buy myself something special, that I can say I bought for X birthday. I don’t know what that is yet this year — maybe I’ll blow off paying a bill (I know, shocker! LOL) and go find it, whatever it is. I’d just be happy if I could locate the emerald ring set in white gold that I bought on my 29th birthday or if I could fit my pudgy pork roast ass into the semi-formal dress I bought on my 30th. I forget what I did last year. All these damn days run together anymore.
The second ritual is that I play a particular song when I wake up on this day every year, about which I have waxed poetic before. And of course, I’m streaming it today:
[audio:DanHill_14Today.mp3]
May 25th, 2006 at 7:53 AM
Happy Birthday just the same, my dear. Let’s go have dinner sometime when I am done funding this wedding craziness. 🙂
May 25th, 2006 at 8:42 AM
Congrats and Happy Happy Birthday! The best is yet to come — trust me on this one …. from someone who looks back fondly on 32. Some of the time after that was shit, but 32 was good. 🙂
May 25th, 2006 at 9:52 AM
Happy birthday! You’re still such a baby. The thirties can be awesome, but truthfully, the 40s are even better. 😉
May 25th, 2006 at 9:57 AM
p.s. 39 was my best, sexiest year of my 30s. It only gets better, babe. My life has not turned out how I thought it would, but…it is still beautiful, and there is still happiness to be found.
There is so much beauty inside of you, Dawn. I hope you see it, if not today, than someday.
May 25th, 2006 at 10:07 AM
p.s. This song is WAY.TOO.DAMN.SAD.
Come over. I posted a birthday song for you. 😉
May 25th, 2006 at 10:40 AM
Happy birthday, my dear! *mwah* *mwah* *mwah*
I know what you mean about birthdays. I’m sure I posted the same damn thing on my birthday, but I’d be too depressed if I look it up so I won’t verify. Celebrate the unbirthdays (TM Lewis Carroll) instead, because you have so very many more of them!
May 25th, 2006 at 11:09 AM
Oh come on Dawn, I am still looking forward to surviving ’till 32. Think of it this way – in earlier days your were only expected to have the life span of 30. You are beating the odds. Something good will happen today b/c you are not expecting it. Happy Birthday.
May 25th, 2006 at 11:43 AM
Happy Birthday, Dawn! *spanks you*
May 25th, 2006 at 3:16 PM
Spankings!
Count me in!
Many happy returns my wonderous friend 🙂
May 25th, 2006 at 4:40 PM
Hmm, yeah, I read this and wondered if it was still appropriate to say Happy Birthday, but I’ll go out on the limb and do it anyway.
Can I buy you a beer? A cake? A cake made with beer?
May 25th, 2006 at 4:59 PM
Welcome to the 32 club, doll. I celebrated the same way.
*hugs* Bayou and I send our b-day spanks and love!
May 25th, 2006 at 5:00 PM
Awww, I feel loved. 😉 The world’s most useless birthday ever was interrupted by a flower delivery, which blew me the hell away. Who knew I actually mentioned my company name to someone at some point?
May 26th, 2006 at 2:17 AM
Happy Birthday my fellow Geminian….Hey it could be worse you could be me I’ll be 38 FREAKING YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa thats only 2 years from 40……………
Oh well, I will return you to your regularly scheduled rant……..
May 27th, 2006 at 8:52 AM
40 rocks. You don’t believe me now, but you will see.