Caterwauling

I had a weird day today. It was OK — pretty good, in fact. I had a ridiculously fun meeting this morning, although I get the impression it wasn’t supposed to be but it couldn’t be helped. I just wish I could share some of the more entertaining details of my job, but some days I don’t think y’all would believe me, anyway. 😉

I did two major things today that I wasn’t sure I had the balls left to do. Knowing I might drive folks crazy and test their patience and frustrate the shit out of them is one thing, but I will never lie to them. So I told a very big truth today to someone whose opinion and respect very much matter to me. And then I made a phone call that might or might not change my life.

Something is going to change for me, and I don’t know what but it’s in the air. I have a lot of thinking to do and decisions to make because it’s not like I ever take the easy road to anything. I also have a lot of research to do as well, not to mention soul-searching. I’m doing it, though, with a clear conscience, and I know that while the answers to questions I don’t even yet know to ask won’t come easily, they will come with clarity because of it.

I’ve had a lot of change happening in my life lately. And there’s this part of me that just wants things to calm down for a few minutes for me to catch my breath. But there’s this other part of me that is still in fighting form and doesn’t want to lose the momentum because it’s so freaking hard to get off my ass when I’ve been knocked on it or if I’ve just planted it somewhere for an undetermined amount of time.

I’m scared a lot these days, too. I know I’m not invincible. I’ve felt rock-bottom lows and don’t ever want to leave my heart lying in that ravine again. But I once heard a saying, something about making the uncomfortable, comfortable and the comfortable, uncomfortable.

There’s a lot of truth to that paradigm in everyday life. I think I am very afraid to be comfortable because something ALWAYS happens to rip that brief, shining moment of non-suckitude away when it graces my presence. So, if I’m constantly in flux or struggle, then things can’t possibly get worse — and that makes me feel OK.

It’s just on days like today that I actually feel some sense of victory that I wonder what the universe is going to do to smite me THIS time around. Great apartment, check. Family’s OK, check. Social life not completely abysmal, check. Job’s good, check. Blood pressure better than ever, check. So where’s that meteor with my name on it? Did it not get my change of address form? 😉 Does that mean it’ll be delayed two weeks instead of pummeling me tomorrow?

Good grief, how long has it been since I’ve posted? Days? The only times I’ve gotten so behind in chronicling my personal iniquities have been when I dropped the webhost from hell in favor of DreamHost and/or when I’ve gone on trips and was without Internet access.

Behold the rotted fruits of nearly a week without blogging. …

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*tap tap* Is this thing on?

Well, I have not a thing to blog about. Plenty on my mind, but nothing translating into my typing fingers.

*sigh*

What should I talk about?

I found a new inspirational spot today, as I am apt to do when thoughts are overflowing out of my head. After work, I (voluntarily!) took a drive and found a lovely lake where I will most definitely take my journal when/if I ever find the damn thing. 😉

It will involve some hiking (gasp!) as I cannot pull the car right up to it, but no matter, as I am also oftentimes inclined to drive the car into random water bodies. So, exercise AND no suicide! Joy!

*cough*

In any event, I was listening to my favorite song of the moment as I parked the car and sat on it and watched the reflection of trees in the still waters. It was a strange and welcome symbiosis, how I was so lost in my mind yet I drove to a secluded paradise where I could work out the dramas du jour and *voila* to the perfect (for me) musical accompaniment.

So what would you say to me
If you could talk to me
You could ask anything
I wouldn’t lie
But you’re OK with this
Damaging awkwardness
So I’ll just play it safe
And keep it inside.

I was thinking back to Reader Poll Monday when Sherri asked whether we had secrets we’ve never spilled to anyone. And my answer is yes, although I can’t figure out how. I don’t have a poker face — I feel like I can’t hide anything … even if I don’t actually say it.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have any surprises in me because anyone without a severe visual impairment can see where I’m coming from. Which is kind of inconvenient when I’m actually forced to decide whether or not to be upfront about what exactly it is that I am up to at any given time.

Anyway, I did come to a decision. Or, rather, it was strengthened. Now I just need to grow a set and hop to it, because even though my mind’s telling me to reconsider, my intuition’s saying to give it all I’ve got. The song I’m posting today says “Don’t be afraid of me,” but the person to whom I most need to say that very line is, well, me.

Boys might not cry, but girls sure do. But the best things in life aren’t the ones most easily achieved. I just hope my Grand Idea leads to my Grand Plan and not to another 14K Fuckup like so many of my schemes have.

On iTunes: Plumb, “Boys Don’t Cry”
[audio:Plumb_BoysDontCry.mp3]

Not like there is any semblance of order or stability to my life, but I just got a potentially life-altering idea. An idea that I think is a brilliant one but has significant and potentially terrible implications, especially if said Grand Idea should backfire. If it works — and to say it’s a LONG SHOT is an understatement — I would have many more positives, but also more negatives, to juggle.

But what will I be thinking in a year from now if I’d never taken the risks required to know the outcome, either way? Is it worth the risk to exchange “pretty good” when you don’t know what you could be exchanging it for?

Lord, the battle plans that everything involves. Is it me or is every friggin’ step you take actually the result of exhaustive tactical warfare in your own mind?

I’ve spent the day feeling drained because, as I said in the previous entry, it was somewhat of a sleepless night without knowing where Kadi was. The only thing that kept me going through the day was the residual euphoria of finding her curled in a ball in the basement of a neighboring apartment building.

When I saw her, she was all eyes. I had called her name — hell, I had BEEN in that spot hours before — and she didn’t and wouldn’t answer me. I whispered, “Is that really you?” And she held my gaze, like, “What took you so long, Mommy?”

I’ve spent the better part of the past 24 hours between feeling triumphant for finding my runaway cat and feeling like a complete fuckup for “losing” her in the first place … or, at least for not finding her sooner.

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Apparently my Kadi isWAS missing. (UPDATE: I found her! I found my baby! Am. Never. Letting. Her. Out. of. My. Sight.) Now, she goes into hiding sometimes, sure, but I haven’t seen her since yesterday evening. I’ve checked everywhere in the house, and she’s usually good about coming when I call her.

I’m terrified that she jumped off the balcony when I let the girls out for a couple hours yesterday evening. Now, in three years, she’s never done anything like that, but I’m out of ideas. She’s an indoor cat, so I’m worried about her survival skills. Not to mention that we’re in an urban area with cars and rails and *oh god* where is imy Kadi?!?!

Maddie seems like she’s waiting on the balcony for her. I walked the neighborhood at the crack o’moi today but it’s a strange area to me, too, full of places to hide and strangers who don’t love her the way I do.

Come back, Kadibug. I need to hug you.

But if we did, I’ll bet we’d collect the MP3s of our favorite songs from TV, in honor of a wonderful TV season in progress.

Given that I simply cannot write anything that tops the comment section of the ‘Badonkadonk’ entry (anyone who has ever thought about dating me, well, there’s my personal ad!), I’m postin’ music:

Here’s the theme song to “24” by Sean Callery, trance version:
[audio:24Theme.mp3]

Massive Attack’s “Teardrop” is the “House” theme — this is the Mad Professor Mazaruni Vocal Mix:
[audio:Teardrop.mp3]

“American Idol’s” Taylor Hicks rocked some “Just Once” last week:
[audio:JustOnce.mp3]

“American Idol’s” Chris Daughtry singing “I Walk the Line” (while I change my underpants. *swoon*):
[audio:WalkTheLine.mp3]

And with that, it’s four minutes till “Idol” time!!! 😀

I think it’s lovely that the very first piece of mail I received at my new apartment was Tiff and Tom’s wedding invitation.

I was there when they first met in person. (I was drunk, having spent the morning at a St. Paddy’s Day parade.) But even through my green-beer haze, you could tell that there was something natural — special, even — about the two of them together. And to be able to witness how far they’ve come and take a moment to reflect on how far they’ll go together, well, my cup runneth over. I’m honored to have been, and to continue to be, there through it all.

Remember when I found a note on my car from a boy in my office building? Four months later, I finally heard back:

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