It occurs to me that people think I play games when the only thing I am ever trying to do is preserve what little of myself that I can. I just need to be handled with kid gloves right now. That’s all. Even if I’m the one who has to slide on the gloves and handle me with care.
It also occurs to me that I don’t just make the occasional questionable decision. When a choice I make turns out to be not the best one, it spirals into a 14-karat fuckup with seemingly unlimited waves of aftereffects. It’s what keeps me from taking even the smallest chances sometimes. Hence being fra-gee-lay at this particular moment.
I’ve been in a weird little depression lately, and I swear it would take a stick of dynamite to blow me out of this funk. And I only got to see the last half of “House” tonight, but it was that TNT enema that I needed. I identify with him so much — someone exceptional who is always getting frowned upon and, this week, deprived of a true victory that could have brought him out of his miserable mental state and helped him to save someone else.
That’s exactly what’s wrong with me — I have nothing left to give. I just get into my little hamster wheel and keep spinning until I can’t see straight. Forcing my heart to be present isn’t happening right now — my heart needs to go join my muse who’s off sipping margaritas in Tahiti while I watch the leaves die and fall and crumble beneath my feet. I asked myself if X or Y happened, would it help? And the answer was a big fat “I don’t give a shit either way.” I am House. I do not cease to give a shit until there’s a happy fucking ending in it for everyone and maybe even a feeling of, if not victory, then non-defeat.
Someone said something that stuck with me today, that why should I be different than others. I guess it meant I’m not unique — that when it comes down to it, I don’t stand out. Screw it — I am different in every possible way. I’m special, damn it, but you’ve got to dig for it. I’ve just spent a lot of time being punished for it, but that doesn’t stop the fact that I am not and never will be like everyone else. And I happen to LIKE who I am, so instead of apologizing for it, I just don’t always let it out there.
God, this blog has turned into a dark little place lately, no? I’m going to go finish drinking that bottle of Riesling that I uncorked last night. Still too lazy to reach up to that middle shelf for a wine glass, though. 😉
[audio:TheSecondDay.mp3]
Kendall Payne, “The Second Day”
