There’s nothing sweeter than hearing your 3-year-old niece squeal “Congratulations!” into the phone …
… Well, I guess there is something sweeter — the fact that she said it because I just got a promotion! And the all-staff memo reads like an Academy Award ceremony introduction. Wow.
*cabbage patch dancing around my office*
No, I don’t mean that bestseller wherein some chicks told you how to land a husband. I mean, after spending lots of time with my mom, I get to see where all my neuroses stem because she’s one of those “just so” people.
When you enter her domain, you are immediately informed of rules that you must follow to make your stay a pleasant one. These rules are subject to change on a moment’s notice and mostly only if she’s the one transgressing them. 😉
Rule No. 1: The bathroom wastebasket. Don’t use it. It is for decoration only. Use the wastebasket in my grandfather’s bedroom, except for when mom wants to put it in the hallway, so you can then throw your trash in there.
Rule No. 2: Bathroom rugs. They must be removed from the bathroom while you’re taking a shower. Only use the designated bathmat. When you are fixing your hair and makeup, you may put a towel on the floor. But it is one of a pile of towels designated solely for floor use. When everyone is done getting ready, the original rugs must be returned to their spots.
Rule No. 3: Purses. You may not leave your purse or car keys in the living room; they will be moved and you will freak out the next morning that they are lost. However, if you leave your purse and car keys in the dining room, you will awaken next morning to find them missing from there, too, as Mom will have put them in her room. The new rule is that you may not leave anything where you will actually FIND it the next day!
Rule No. 4: You cannot park in front of the house. Your car must be in the driveway — BACKED IN — for ease of escape. You can’t park on the street because the MORON across the way just plowed into her brand-new car and caused damage to the tune of $1,000 and refuses to pay for it. Before that, you were NOT allowed to park in the driveway because there’s a big hole in it and you could ONLY park on the street.
Ya with me so far? Welcome to my world!
Rule No. 5: All doors must be locked at all times. This includes the screen door when I go out to my car (she locks it, waits, and lets me back in. And when I come in to drop shit off, the door gets locked again) and the cellar door when washing clothes. See, when I would go to say move a load from the washer to the dryer, the door would be locked and you’d hear expletives echoing because the door was locked and I had run smack into it. Gah!
Rule No. 6: Underpants match bra. Both match shirt. All match shower curtain, bathroom rug and tea towel in kitchen. EVERYTHING MUST MATCH. CHAOS, DOOM AND APOCALYPSE ARE ON HORIZON if not. Open your umbrella, as it’s going to rain frogs if the gutchies clash with the decor. Seriously.
Rule No. 7: Placemats? TOTALLY FOR DECORATION. You must place a paper towel on top of the placemat so you don’t drop food on it.
Oh GAWD I could go on for months, but now I’m traumatized. 😉