Caterwauling

I guess there’s a reason why there are billions of sad songs written and performed and probably only a million or so happy ones. Kind of helps to know when you’re feeling like the loneliest person who ever walked the earth.

I feel like, these days, I’m always trying to overcome something. And I guess that’s what life is, just getting through sometimes. It’s OK, though. It just seems like everywhere I turn, of late, it’s just the foundation of another chapter in my autobiography. At least, that’s how I manage to get through these adventures.

Eventually, I’ll emerge on the other side of all this — and triumphant, at that — but damn, it seems like whenever I reach the end of my rope, the universe just throws me more.

I’m also a bit disconcerted because my psychic vibes are SO off. I mean, it’s like someone came into my head and reprogrammed the switchboard. It’s like all the wishes I sent out into the universe have ended up in the dead-letter office. And a part of me wants to stop caring if anyone hears my pleas.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been coming from a place of loss, trying to find hope anywhere it can possibly spring. Perhaps I plunged headfirst into Denial, and I’m drowning in that river in Egypt. Because I swam for shore, and honest to Christ, I just want to jump back in and stop paddling sometimes — it’s like I keep going without any direction and hoping to just end up somewhere better. And the further I go, the farther I feel from anything that’s real.

But I don’t. Warped visions or not, I want to see what comes next. I want to see if all this bullshit is worth it. And I think it is — I never turn down an opportunity to become smarter, stronger, more callused from life’s little wounds … even if they’re self-inflicted sometimes. And damn it, despite myself, I’m a bleeder.

I booked a vacation with my little bonus. Nothing exotic, and nowhere I haven’t been before. But it’s like it’s not far enough away — I don’t know if anywhere is, really, though. What pisses me off is that now that I’ve got the tickets and the reservations, I found out Bon Jovi is playing there a week after I leave. DAMN IT!!!

And I kept thinking about my interviews today. It occurs to me that I am always looking for someone special, whether to work with, to befriend or to date. I know that anyone I choose, in any realm, is a reflection of me. And if they’re not immediately recognizable as special, well then, I won’t be special either.

I know that’s not true. I know I am Goddess, hear me roar. Etc., etc. And I know that a lot of people attach themselves to me to prove that they, in fact, are special too. Or that maybe being around me makes them special. I dig that, because I have the ability to make anyone shine. Everyone I’ve ever believed in really DID have that “certain something,” at least in my eyes. Even if I had to let them go because our paths diverged.

I feel lost without my spot-on psychic visions. That means I have to take a lot on faith. This is something I have always struggled with, as faith doesn’t come easily. I know in my heart that I have to trust where the universe has me, and in what it throws at me being essential to my personal evolution. But damn, it’s hard letting go of things I’ve believed to be true, and in trusting that they’ll either come around again or that I’ve freed myself up for something even bigger and better.

Lord, give me strength. I can’t seem to find any of my own right now. I don’t want to seem uncomfortable in my own skin, though, because I’m happy with who and where I am. But what I wouldn’t give to crawl out from under it sometimes and feel new again.

“‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away.”

— Seether, “Broken”

Bon Jovi is releasing a new single today (not that iTunes has it yet), so no matter what, it’s a good day. Damn it. Even if Maddie DID shit under my desk AND in the bag I take to work with all my crap (ha ha) in it. Got that bag in the car and POOH did my car stink. Fucking HATE that goddamned cat. Seriously.

Did the interviewing thing today, as I am hiring and all. It came after throwing away my tote bag and dumping all my shit (there’s that word again) into a freaking Wal-Mart bag that happened to be in my trunk. (Classy.)

Anyway, I had a candidate who was good. Really good. Really really good. So I put her before my Tribal Council of the people I trust most in the building (although Sabre would have been on the list if she were actually in my department!). And it was a two-out-of-three-ain’t-bad consensus. I mean, we all know that a bad hire never just decides to die and go away (although we can dream …), but it wasn’t necessarily that. I think the one picked up on the same thing I was struggling with — she’s good, but is she OUTSTANDING?

And that answer could very well become an emphatic “yes.” But at this point, it remains to be seen.

I judge by the amount of paperwork I need for someone to fill out when they arrive. And we only had her fill out an application. When I arrived for my first interview, I pretty much had to sign away my firstborn, but my friend D. enlightened me today that they figured I was a shoo-in, that I’d been impressive enough during my phone interview that the in-person gig was just a formality. Interesting. I didn’t know that — that my process was somewhat of an expedited one. (Nine interviews later. …) 😉

Anyway, it’s interesting. It really is. I picked the people who not only know what I do for a living and need in a staff member, but they know me. As the one dissenter in the group pointed out, after I said that I don’t need to hire a goddess, “We already have one.” 🙂 Thank you, thankyouverymuch!

My best hire in the past was the person who could execute my ideas after I’d spoken them aloud, forgotten about them and moved on to something else. My next hire would have to be that and so much more. I was saying to my publisher today that I can’t possibly expect my hire to work the hours that I do, and he said, “Yes, you can.” Of course the ultimate goal is to free up some of my time more to work on other pressing projects (and not to, say, actually go home at a reasonable hour! LOL), and anyone who can do that is the diamond in the rough.

In any event, this was my first round, so I’ll keep looking, but I know I run the risk of losing a good candidate to another job in the meantime. On the other hand, if I were interviewing for a life partner, this one might be on the level of “good date” or maybe even short-term relationship. But marriage? Way too soon to think that far ahead. I’m looking for the long-term relationship, the live-in companion, the standing date for holidays and family functions.

And what impressed me today wasn’t the candidate’s qualifications or very-polished answers to my myriad questions. Instead, my frog socks were most knocked off by the fact that the one subtle thing I was struggling with but not articulating, someone picked up on in their own observations.

In the next round of interviews, I’m going to introduce a date to these people. I wonder if their judgment would be more-astute than mine. I somehow have no doubt it would be!