Caterwauling

Today’s Horoscope:

“You may be feeling a bit more emotional than usual, Goddess. Tender feelings are likely to surface at this point and it may be hard for you to concentrate on just the facts. It might be tempting to get caught up in an ensuing drama that doesn’t necessarily pertain to you. Keep your nose out of other people’s business. Be nurturing and empathetic as opposed to inquisitive and sarcastic. No gossiping today.”

No gossiping today. Have they met me? Do they not know that I have nothing else in life to which to look forward other than nebbing around in others’ affairs? Damn it.

But they’re right about that emotional business. I like being a girl and all, but Jesus, even I’m tired of my own internal warfare.

I’m better today, though. I got some good news about my hiring situation — some leverage. Which is good, because I’m not seeing a lot of impressive resumes coming around.

Hypothetically, let’s say I have a choice between two good people. Probably both equally capable, but one with a certain magic that makes me want to up the ante stratospherically if it means being able to keep this fighter in the ring. Reminds me of dating (what doesn’t, especially lately?). There’s the one you have but maybe the one you want. But do you have to give up the one you have to get the one you want, or is it the minute you stop considering the one you want that they decide they don’t want to be excluded from your consideration after all?

Or do you have to go balls-out and say, hey, I’m going to kneecap you if you even DARE to run away?

Or, maybe, was it the one you have (had?) who is capable of so much more than you’ve seen thus far?

Maybe my radar isn’t so broken after all. Maybe I do have the ability to see magic from a million miles away. But my challenge (and it always has been) is to lasso it and make it mine — when, for all intents and purposes, it should just come to me already. Damn it. 😉

Maybe I need to embrace this “being a girl” thing. I don’t care for bullshit or drama or complications. But if there’s ever a plan to be hatched and some conniving (done all in fun) to be orchestrated, I’m your girl.

‘Scuse me — I’ve got some scheming to do. *muahahahaaaaa* 😀

Would you agree that it’s inappropriate (and borderline sexual harassment) to see a new employee on your floor and exclaim, “Hel-lo — who is THAT?!?!” while they’re standing two feet from you? Heh. Whatever — always nice to have some new eye candy!

Also! A psychic vision came true today! I swore to God that I’d had a conversation with a colleague before. She looked at me like I’m nuts and said, no, we’ve never discussed this issue. I said yes we did and solved the problem she presented to me, just like I had done in the vision. Not a huge deal, of course, but maybe I’m not so broken after all. I’ll call it a victory — I take those wherever I can get them.

It’s amazing, the follow-up questions I get to my cryptic blog posts, especially of late. 😉 Oh, if you only knew. … I assure you, the “real” stories are a lot more interesting than the existentially dramatic way I present them! But I’m sure, years down the road, I’ll laugh at how melodramatic I made things seem. I hope, anyway.

My friend D. looked at me today and said she can tell I’m sad, but luckily it’s just through my writing and not through my presentation. And that made me even sadder, like I’m crying out and screaming for help and not a soul would think that I was anything much less than fine.

But I don’t want to cry over the current bag of flaming cat crap that life has become. I mean, come on already — don’t I have better things to do? Looking at my ever-growing to-do list at work and at home, there’s no time to break down. And I consider that a good thing.

Rather than boo-hoo over things that have moved beyond my control (even if I did have some power over them at some point before), when the good things that keep eluding me finally come my way, I want everyone to say, “Damn, it’s about time!” instead of, “Why does she deserve all that glory and bounty and uber-fabulousness that is raining upon her?”

Like my mom says, don’t ever look back. Or, at least, don’t ever let anyone catch you, if you do.

It’s only been out a day and I’ve got the lyrics memorized. Stream Bon Jovi’s new song here. I swear, I fall in love with JBJ even more with every passing year. Why can’t I get a guy like this? 😉

“Hello again
It’s you and me
Kinda always like it always used to be
Sipping wine
Killing time
Trying to solve life’s mysteries

How’s your life
It’s been awhile
God, it’s good to see you smile
I see you reaching for your keys
Looking for a reason not to leave

If you don’t know
If you should stay
If you don’t say
What’s on your mind
Baby just breathe
There’s no where else tonight
We should be
You want to make a memory

I dug up this old photograph
Look at all that hair we had
It’s bittersweet to hear you laugh
Your phone is ringing
I don’t want to ask

If you go now
I’ll understand
If you stay, hey
I got a plan
We’re going to make a memory

You want to steal a piece of time
You can sing the melody
To me
And I can write a couple lines
You want to make a memory

If you don’t know
If you should stay
And you don’t say
What’s on your mind
Baby just breathe
There’s nowhere else in life
We should be
You want to make a memory

Do you want to make a memory?”

— Bon Jovi, “(You Want to) Make a Memory”

I guess there’s a reason why there are billions of sad songs written and performed and probably only a million or so happy ones. Kind of helps to know when you’re feeling like the loneliest person who ever walked the earth.

I feel like, these days, I’m always trying to overcome something. And I guess that’s what life is, just getting through sometimes. It’s OK, though. It just seems like everywhere I turn, of late, it’s just the foundation of another chapter in my autobiography. At least, that’s how I manage to get through these adventures.

Eventually, I’ll emerge on the other side of all this — and triumphant, at that — but damn, it seems like whenever I reach the end of my rope, the universe just throws me more.

I’m also a bit disconcerted because my psychic vibes are SO off. I mean, it’s like someone came into my head and reprogrammed the switchboard. It’s like all the wishes I sent out into the universe have ended up in the dead-letter office. And a part of me wants to stop caring if anyone hears my pleas.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been coming from a place of loss, trying to find hope anywhere it can possibly spring. Perhaps I plunged headfirst into Denial, and I’m drowning in that river in Egypt. Because I swam for shore, and honest to Christ, I just want to jump back in and stop paddling sometimes — it’s like I keep going without any direction and hoping to just end up somewhere better. And the further I go, the farther I feel from anything that’s real.

But I don’t. Warped visions or not, I want to see what comes next. I want to see if all this bullshit is worth it. And I think it is — I never turn down an opportunity to become smarter, stronger, more callused from life’s little wounds … even if they’re self-inflicted sometimes. And damn it, despite myself, I’m a bleeder.

I booked a vacation with my little bonus. Nothing exotic, and nowhere I haven’t been before. But it’s like it’s not far enough away — I don’t know if anywhere is, really, though. What pisses me off is that now that I’ve got the tickets and the reservations, I found out Bon Jovi is playing there a week after I leave. DAMN IT!!!

And I kept thinking about my interviews today. It occurs to me that I am always looking for someone special, whether to work with, to befriend or to date. I know that anyone I choose, in any realm, is a reflection of me. And if they’re not immediately recognizable as special, well then, I won’t be special either.

I know that’s not true. I know I am Goddess, hear me roar. Etc., etc. And I know that a lot of people attach themselves to me to prove that they, in fact, are special too. Or that maybe being around me makes them special. I dig that, because I have the ability to make anyone shine. Everyone I’ve ever believed in really DID have that “certain something,” at least in my eyes. Even if I had to let them go because our paths diverged.

I feel lost without my spot-on psychic visions. That means I have to take a lot on faith. This is something I have always struggled with, as faith doesn’t come easily. I know in my heart that I have to trust where the universe has me, and in what it throws at me being essential to my personal evolution. But damn, it’s hard letting go of things I’ve believed to be true, and in trusting that they’ll either come around again or that I’ve freed myself up for something even bigger and better.

Lord, give me strength. I can’t seem to find any of my own right now. I don’t want to seem uncomfortable in my own skin, though, because I’m happy with who and where I am. But what I wouldn’t give to crawl out from under it sometimes and feel new again.

“‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away.”

— Seether, “Broken”

Bon Jovi is releasing a new single today (not that iTunes has it yet), so no matter what, it’s a good day. Damn it. Even if Maddie DID shit under my desk AND in the bag I take to work with all my crap (ha ha) in it. Got that bag in the car and POOH did my car stink. Fucking HATE that goddamned cat. Seriously.

Did the interviewing thing today, as I am hiring and all. It came after throwing away my tote bag and dumping all my shit (there’s that word again) into a freaking Wal-Mart bag that happened to be in my trunk. (Classy.)

Anyway, I had a candidate who was good. Really good. Really really good. So I put her before my Tribal Council of the people I trust most in the building (although Sabre would have been on the list if she were actually in my department!). And it was a two-out-of-three-ain’t-bad consensus. I mean, we all know that a bad hire never just decides to die and go away (although we can dream …), but it wasn’t necessarily that. I think the one picked up on the same thing I was struggling with — she’s good, but is she OUTSTANDING?

And that answer could very well become an emphatic “yes.” But at this point, it remains to be seen.

I judge by the amount of paperwork I need for someone to fill out when they arrive. And we only had her fill out an application. When I arrived for my first interview, I pretty much had to sign away my firstborn, but my friend D. enlightened me today that they figured I was a shoo-in, that I’d been impressive enough during my phone interview that the in-person gig was just a formality. Interesting. I didn’t know that — that my process was somewhat of an expedited one. (Nine interviews later. …) 😉

Anyway, it’s interesting. It really is. I picked the people who not only know what I do for a living and need in a staff member, but they know me. As the one dissenter in the group pointed out, after I said that I don’t need to hire a goddess, “We already have one.” 🙂 Thank you, thankyouverymuch!

My best hire in the past was the person who could execute my ideas after I’d spoken them aloud, forgotten about them and moved on to something else. My next hire would have to be that and so much more. I was saying to my publisher today that I can’t possibly expect my hire to work the hours that I do, and he said, “Yes, you can.” Of course the ultimate goal is to free up some of my time more to work on other pressing projects (and not to, say, actually go home at a reasonable hour! LOL), and anyone who can do that is the diamond in the rough.

In any event, this was my first round, so I’ll keep looking, but I know I run the risk of losing a good candidate to another job in the meantime. On the other hand, if I were interviewing for a life partner, this one might be on the level of “good date” or maybe even short-term relationship. But marriage? Way too soon to think that far ahead. I’m looking for the long-term relationship, the live-in companion, the standing date for holidays and family functions.

And what impressed me today wasn’t the candidate’s qualifications or very-polished answers to my myriad questions. Instead, my frog socks were most knocked off by the fact that the one subtle thing I was struggling with but not articulating, someone picked up on in their own observations.

In the next round of interviews, I’m going to introduce a date to these people. I wonder if their judgment would be more-astute than mine. I somehow have no doubt it would be!

“You closed your eyes in the morning
You said you want to start smoking again
You said you had that dream last night
Of a stranger in your room
You said you wanna start making new friends.
We’ll I’d found some peace
And you want release
You must be stronger than me.”

— Melissa Etheridge, “Stronger than Me”

Nothing much else to say today. Just waiting for my turn to break down. Sort of tired of holding it together all the damn time.

I guess I’ve got the smoking addiction back. I don’t take my cigarettes to work, but I tell you, I drive home at the speed of sound, just for the chance to light up again.

So last week, Mom decided she didn’t want to move in with me and be a burden to me (her words, not mine). So I got another apartment, a 1BR/den. And today? She asked if it was too late to go back to the original plan. Sure, whatever. I’m cool. But then, I went to make it happen, and that brought another day full of adventures.

The place I wanted, well, they decided a surprise $1,500 security deposit sounded reasonable to them. So I said fuck it and went back one more time to my landlady, who had Four. Perfect. Units. Available. I toured them all and would take any one of them, quite honestly, but I had issues with the two biggest ones, which I’d prefer for the price. (At this point, what’s another $50/month?) I slapped down the standard $400 deposit (flat, no extras), and went back to the other place to tell them I’d take that original amount and slap it on a vacation for Mom and me.

But at the other place? They are SO nice to me. They have been rolling out the red carpet — well, I assume they would, if they had one. 😉 They all know me when I walk in and the one guy calls me “Smiles” and always hugs me when he sees me. (Before you ask, very cute and VERY married. Damn.) But he and the other girl refused to give me back my holding fee — they said they’d ask the manager about waiving the extra $1,100. I said forget it, they’d lost me, and they asked me if they could at least try.

*headslam*

(Is it any wonder why I drink more than Lindsay Lohan?)

IF IF IF they can waive it, it’s a fair fight. Still more expensive there, but I do love that washer and dryer. But my place has finally hopped to it and is doing its damndest to keep me. I mean, anything I want them to do to the available units (new carpet, new windows, whatever — I asked, and I shall receive), they said they’d do. That’s a powerful bargaining chip over here in Never Never Land.

I don’t know what to do. I figured the decision would just make itself, and that effed-up security deposit based on my effed-up credit was enough to do it for me.

Quite honestly, I was pissed. Sure, my IQ is higher than my credit score, but come on already — just because I *can* pay that deposit doesn’t mean I WANT to. I mean, $1,100 can buy a COUCH or, hell, that cruise to Cozumel that I’d been eyeing for Mom and me because we really do need to get the fuck away from it all and really, truly, make a fresh start at some point. Or, hell, maybe I can pay off one of those credit cards I blew off when I wasn’t working. Jeez!

I was just in my car, blathering on to my best friend for a solid two hours about destiny and how it’s like we do our best to go against it, but it always presents itself in the end. Que sera sera and all that bullshit. And it’s more than the housing issue — god, it’s dating, it’s friends, it’s everything. How it’s the second you give up on something you wanted, that it runs to you and attaches itself to your side.

I was talking to another friend yesterday, and I said you know, work trusts me so much to make huge decisions that can either make us a million dollars or sink us in an instant, just based on whatever my intuition happens to be on any particular issue, various times a day. And I can’t even get my fucking shit together elsewhere — how am I supposed to make the important things work when I can’t get the “other” important things secured? How am I supposed to make good choices for the people who pay me when I can’t even find some peace outside of there?

There’s something to be said for making your own miracles, but when they’re contingent upon so many extraneous factors, what’s a girl to do when she truly doesn’t know whether to shit or go sailing at any given moment? I think a lot of other people just wait for others to make their decisions for them, so that if everything blows up, there’s always someone or something else to blame.

But that’s not me — there are things I wish would just decide for themselves, but when they do, damn. I’m the asshole who’s been drinking for a solid week, trying to overcome a relationship decision that is probably the right one, but how do you let a dream just go and die? Even when you know it’s time to start shoveling dirt on it, how do you give up when it’s the one thing that’s been getting you out of bed every day because it was something to look forward to? What do you do with the now-vacant real estate in your thoughts? Or was it all too hasty and needs to be revisited?

Everything on this blog seems like it’s a metaphor for something else. And I know that once I resolve my housing situation, other things will fall into place in lockstep. But to be at this point, where everything leads to a big, fat question mark, is exhausting.

But still, I’d rather have choices (right now, anyway) than resolutions. Answers aren’t final ones, but they do feel like it when they’re not what you were hoping for.

And sometimes, I feel like I’m staring my destiny in the face, and it’s daring me to move. But all at the same moment, it’s like it renders me immobile. Because I have no problem running away from things, but running toward them? I don’t want to fall and have nothing to catch me. And this whole walking-the-tightrope shit is hard to do when you’re afraid that you’ll reach the other side and then there’s nothing there, if you had actually thought there would be.

I don’t know. At this point, I’m just going to let everything resolve itself, and choose if I can among what remains. And, of course, I’ll always hope for a dark-horse candidate to enter the race at the last-possible minute, as that’s what always seems to happen. And when it wins, destiny will be on course once again. …

I had the best bowling team ever with possibly the worst scores ever. It was neat being around work people on a casual day — I didn’t recognize most of the people without their formal biz attire, and I hope they didn’t recognize Drunk Girl here, making a scene. I don’t care — I’m a happy drunk!

But all that bowling reminded me of a time long ago when I was doing another bowling “thing” with colleagues, and I was hot for the accounting manager, who happened to be in professional bowling leagues. And my pickup line to him, after he hit like his millionth strike of the night, was a pointed, “Nice ball!”

*snicker* And yes, I took that boy home, funny you should ask.

I was telling the story at the lanes yesterday, and someone asked whether it were, in fact, a nice ball. (*wink wink, nudge nudge*) And I was too blitzed to give my usual quick response, but I was thinking back to that night, and to be honest? The ball was fine but it was the pin (*wink*) that was left standing that was the most memorable part of the evening! 😉

After a night day of binge-drinking, it’s always curious to awaken the next morning because there’s always that risk (or possibility, depending) that you’re going to roll over and see someone else there. 😉

I don’t remember much from yesterday. And that’s probably a good thing! But I’m sure I’ll be cringing at some point as the alcohol-induced amnesia starts to wear off. …