Caterwauling

So my friend was telling me today about her boyfriend and said, “It’s our first holiday together!”

My response? A quick-and-curt, “And your last.”

*bonk*

I didn’t mean to be a party pooper — I just wanted to find the right way to tell her that he just radiates “asshole” vibes, and I think that pretty much summed it up. 😉

I give them six weeks, tops. And I hope she finds somebody MUCH more worthy of her time and energy.

You know how I say not to ask me for advice if you don’t want it? Fuck, I find a way to volunteer it anyway!

Each day really does bring a treasure trove of new opportunities to live, to love, to learn, to grow and to forge deeper connections.

I know, I’m not saying anything original or even philosophical. But when you take a moment to really calculate what you achieve in an average day, it truly boggles the mind.

Sure, the to-do list is about as gnarly as it was when I got started on it 12 hours ago, but the things I didn’t plan on achieving? Are what I will take with me for the rest of the day and the rest of my life.

For all my fellow marketing-types out there, courtesy of T. …

The buzzword in today’s business world is MARKETING.

However, people often ask for a simple explanation of “Marketing.” Well, here it is:

1. You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing.

2. You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, “She’s fantastic in bed.” That’s Advertising.

3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Telemarketing.

4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I?” and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Public Relations.

5. You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” That’s Brand Recognition.

6. You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That’s a Sales Rep.

7. Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you. That’s Tech Support.

8. You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!” That’s Junk Mail.

9. You are at a party, this tall man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That’s Former President Clinton.

10. You like it, but 20 years later your attorney decides you were offended. That’s America!