Caterwauling

I know I shouldn’t be blogging this. I also know I was probably not in top condition to drive home, but I did that, too. So whee — what the hell?

Oy.

So I wrapped up the day from hell by meeting some random guy at a bar. Because, you know, I don’t want to sit home alone on a Friday night and I’ll take my adventures where I can get them.

You know, all I wanted was some dinner. It was a real fuck-up of a day and all I wanted was a beer and a burger. But then he appeared and hey, I’m not one to pass up what could turn out to be something special.

So of course we hung out for, like, hours. I’ve done the whole meeting people in a bar thing FAR too often in my life. And it still goes pretty much nowhere, but I have enough self-esteem to not really feel obligated to care. And everyone at the bar thought we knew each other — all the barkeeps/male patrons kept asking if I were OK. I said I was fine and, despite the number of shots we’d consumed, I had enough judgment left in me to know this wasn’t going to go beyond the bar.

(Lord knows the guy, Jason, tried seven ways to Sunday to get me to go back to his condo. I’m no dummy — buy a girl dinner first. This is not a difficult hurdle to achieve. Any entanglement I had in which the guy didn’t buy dinner on the first date usually crashed and burned. I can pay for my own, but it’s a sign of respect for me. That’s all I’m looking for.)

I kept laughing with the other men there that all I wanted was dinner, god damn it. They loved me — kept a really close eye on me all night as Rico Suave tried very line/move he knew from the time I arrived till the time I snuck out with my to-go order. 🙂

I had more alcohol than I care to recount, but I’m a girl who can hold her liquor. (Although if you were watching me try to type, you wouldn’t exactly concur.) Rico Suave kept molesting me (no big deal; a girl needs some attention once in awhile) and buying me shots, so hey, I’m easy. 🙂 But then when he finally got the hint that, no, I wasn’t leaving the bar with him, he evaporated.

No big — he’d paid the tab, although I did ask the bartender to let me pick up the last round ’cause I wanted to order food and I wasn’t waiting for him to resurface. (He had been resurfacing, although I did get my food and hightail it home because I really do have to be up early in the a.m.!)

I met a STUPENDOUSLY nice guy after Jason left; he told me to come back and we’d just talk. Which is all I wanted in the first place, although admittedly, tonsil hockey is my favorite sport, even if I prefer it with people I know and plan to see again. 🙂

I appreciated all Jason did to try to get me hooked; I’m just looking for something more significant than he was after. And I’m not apologizing for that anymore. Although I do have to say, any guy who hints at a long-term relationship, marriage and kids is FULL OF SHIT if it’s the first meeting. The theory holds true. Anyone who’s brought all that up? Must have been counting on my ovaries aching at the thought of Happilly Ever After.

Yeah, good luck with that.

Not so much.

Don’t get me wrong — not the best kisser, but not the worst. And I didn’t mean to convey that I *wouldn’t* sleep with him EVER — just not in the foreseeable future. 🙂 If that made him leave, aww boo hoo!

He was just another one who seemed to click with me for awhile. Don’t they all? Everything seemed good, although the bartender said to me twice, “He’s a real asshole, don’t you think?” Hey, an asshole who shows interest in me tends to cancel out the asshole factor! 😉

It was kind of empowering, quite honestly. Because I felt in control, because I wasn’t looking at him as someone desperate or as someone who was charitably making out with me after a really bad day (and I’d thought my face was showing it). He told me a million times how beautiful he thought I was, how good a kisser I was (um, DUH) and how lucky he was to have me paying attention to him.

There’s a part of me that rolls her eyes and says whatever; the rest of me said, well yeah — I am smokin’ hot. Damn it. 😉 Apparently it’s obvious to more people than just me! LOL

Anyway, he went out to make a phone call; I ordered food; paid for the remainder of the tab and got my tipsy ass home.

All I want, God, is a real relationship. I am happy in my life; I just need someone to share it with. Someone who isn’t pawing me in a bar (although I admit I DID have fun) and getting mad because I’m no longer “that type of girl” — yes, we all know I once was. OK, more than once. 😉

I want something serious and real; none of this “maybe” stuff. I want to be able to show my face in that bar again. I want to go to art gallery openings and photography exhibitions (which we talked about because he’s a photographer) and meet their parents and get goose bumps when they kiss me “there” (and that could be anywhere, if done right!).

This whole scene is fun for a quick ego boost but it’s driving me MAD to not meet someone who’s on the same page as I am. I want fun and excitement and goose bumps and “eeky” moments when I hang up the phone. But I also want to know that I can be me and still have them pick up the phone after the newness wears off.

And god damn it, all I wanted was a fucking cheeseburger.

Which I did get, thankyouverymuch. Plus an invitation to come back and hang with some REAL men.

Which I will.

Drunk girl is going to go scarf her cheezburger now. I hope this entry isn’t bad ’cause I ain’t QCing it.

And yes, this is all still a swingin’ single if you’re interested. 😉 Ya know where to find me! And while I’m not as easy as I used to be, it’s because I’ve gotten very lucky so far (*knock on wood*) and would like to have as few regrets as possible. That and really, investing is something that interests me very much — why waste my Vegas money when I can put a bet on black (or red, whichever) and have a chance of winning what I really want instead of only what someone else is offering?

Went into one of my classic “yam fits” this afternoon. Which means I’ve gone into nervous-breakdown mode and cannot stop laughing. Scared the whole wing, but not enough for any of them to dare intervene. 😉

If you REALLY need the history of the yam fit, click here.

Seriously, I can’t take people anymore. I just … can’t. I’ve spent this whole week being overpaid for busywork, and I officially LOST IT when the latest straw was shoved up the proverbial camel’s ass.

My dear colleagues said yep, it finally happened. We finally broke an editor!

Tread carefully, my beloveds. There’s a whole lot of spastic giggling left in me yet. …

As seen at Sabre’s.

1. I’ve come to realize that my last kiss was… perhaps more important to me than I ever let on.

2. I am listening to… cats hissing at each other.

3. I talk… a whole bunch when I don’t know what to say.

4. I love… getting out of the house and seeing the world.

5. My best friends… are an inspiration and show me how worthy I am as a person to have such a strong circle of fabulous people.

6. My Car… is cute, fabulous and my salvation

7. My love life… is the source of much confusion

8. I hate it when people ask… actually, I hate it when they don’t

9. I want to… catch up on my beauty sleep

10. Marriage is… a goal

11. Somewhere, someone is thinking… how can I meet up with this spectacular girl who runs Caterwauling.com?

12. I’m always… lost inside my head

13. I have a secret crush on… they know 🙂 And no one else needs to!

15. My cell phone… wishes it were an iPhone. I can’t WAIT to trade in the ROKR for an iPhone, although I doubt it’ll be today even though I want to go stand in line at the AT&T store so badly I can taste it!

16. When I wake up in the morning… I head straight to my Senseo machine for a cuppa java joy

17. Before I go to bed I… try to remember to take off my makeup; usually I just fall asleep watching Comedy Central

18. Right now I am thinking about… how much time I had to waste on ridiculous tasks and playing 20 questions with people who are intent on stalling me and not doing any REAL work this week

19. Babies are… a little more on my radar, as I step further into my 30s

20. I get on MySpace… to blog privately once every few months (only Chris, Sabre and Tetris can see what I’m up to)

21. Today I… woke up without the alarm clock, right at 6:35 a.m. (I forgot to set the alarm, and that is my normal wake-up time!)

22. Tonight I will… find some trouble to get into, if I’m not at work till all hours

23. Tomorrow I will… get the hell out of the house and be social

24. I really want to… experience magic

25. Someone who will most likely repost this… is probably as hard-up for content and as eager to avoid work as I am!

I’ve been listening intently to my audiobook and sort of scratching my butt head over what I’m learning and how to apply it to everyday life.

For instance, it seems the overall goal we should have in life is to seek joy. And to do so by seeking the people who have what we want and learning it from them. But therein lies a challenge in that the people who are attracted to us and what we have that they want for themselves (i.e., a shy person wants to be more like their extroverted friend) also bring a whole basket o’ negativity into your life that you can choose to not associate with. That you can basically only choose to acknowledge the parts of these other people that you want to take away as part of your own experience.

I’m not saying it’s a terrible idea; I’m rather intrigued by it. But I am not quite grasping how you can enjoy someone for the fun they bring into your life and not be overwhelmed by frustration for them being tightasses or immature or whatever other characteristic that you don’t want to absorb into your own personality.

It all goes back to what they’ve been preaching throughout these tapes all along — we attract what we want. And we attract what we don’t. If we give something evil more than a passing thought, we attract evil. So instead of dwelling on negative emotions and trying to figure out where they came from (I’m thinking, isn’t that the goal of counseling?) we need to wash our hands of the specter of bad things before we give them so much as a passing glance.

This is where I have hit a lot of stumbling blocks in life. It’s easy to hope that the evil people you know get buttfucked with a knife when they meet someone who out-psychoes them. But does thinking that bring even more insanity and stupidity to your world? I’m guessing yes, but I choose not to accept it.

All the small minds of the world can get together and be assholes together; the rest of us will learn and absorb from high-quality people so that we all become of the highest quality. Survival of the fittest, I say.

But.

Yep, there’s always that.

It reminds me of a very bad habit I have, which is hurting myself over things I can’t control.

I don’t mean cutting or throwing up or anything like that. Please. That shit takes too much effort, and I’m way too apathetic. 🙂

But I was telling my friend yesterday that I can’t really get frustrated anymore when people don’t realize how fabulous I am. Because I realize how fabulous I am, and if that has to be enough, then fine. I’m pretty happy and feel like I’m as close to self-actualization as I can be.

My friend, God love him, said that they all know I’m fabulous too, even if they don’t convey it.

I knew that. But it was nice to hear it for a change.

I guess I have the curse that every girl does, in that if someone doesn’t like us like us, I try to figure out why. I tend to wonder if it were something that I did or didn’t do. Whether my interests or looks or habits or whatever turned them off at some point. Even if maybe I wasn’t all that into them, but I am not one to drop off the earth either if there is something there that could possibly be turned into something greater. At least, I don’t mean to — again, you don’t always (if ever) get a, “This is why I couldn’t be with you” speech. Even if it would hurt or if I’d reject the data, I’d just like to know why other people aren’t gellin’ with me.

But when I get the chance to hurt myself, I do take it. If I get the chance to find out if they’ve moved on to someone new, I want to know about it. I want names, details, interests, etc. I want to know what it is they see in this new person. I want to know what they do, how they feel … basically, what makes them think that person is going to make them happier than I can and would if they would have let me.

Usually I can walk away feeling like wow, they really didn’t do better. And they know it. But what do you do with that data? Drink a bottle of red wine and hope it erases your memory? But no, I have that insane need-to-know that brings even more ache with the more questions I ask.

I guess I hope it’ll numb me and I’ll just accept it someday. But all it really does is kill me even more. I’ve got to stop that stupid habit before it’s the death of me.

My reaction is usually to move on at lightning speed. To not act sad. To just be fine. To not say, “What the fuck? I thought we were on our way to something special till you got off the ride. What went so wrong that can’t be salvaged?”

Especially if I didn’t think anything much was wrong and, in fact, was feeling sort of optimistic about the whole thing. That’s what kills me. People don’t invest enough time to find out.

I’m supposed to be the impulsive one. I’m supposed to be the asshole who gives a half-hearted effort and gives up when it gets to be too much work or I see something shiny in my peripheral vision.

But why am I attracting things that are only ephemeral? What is it in me that isn’t drawing in that which is healthy and sustainable? What about me is turning away what might be good for me? Is it coming my way and I’m not noticing it, or am I too focused on things that aren’t working/can’t work to know the difference?

Look, I know not to dwell for too long, because the universe has its plan for us. Blah blah blah. But I’m a lot more interested in having a say-so in my destiny right now, thankyouverymuch. And my audiobook is telling me to reject or repel that feeling of powerlessness to the universe.

You should be creating your sacred space and filling it with things that you want. As they said, envision the world as a fully-stocked store, and you can exchange dollars for any experience you could ever want. Bring those things into your happy place and immerse yourself in the possibility of them until they happen for you. Only think happy thoughts — if you obsess about something (illness, attack, etc.) then you attract it into your world.

That’s something that sort of freaked me out — how victims of attacks “attract” the perpetrators. I don’t get that at all. I sure as hell would like for people with ill intentions to leave me the fuck alone, and I doubt someone who gets assaulted would willingly open the door for the asshole with the Cialis prescription and the butcher knife.

But they say that if you’re giving it a passing thought, it could happen to you. That if we immerse ourselves in headlines, we are going to see more and more bad things just like it popping up. That you see a fire happen somewhere and suddenly, you’ll see a string of incidents involving fire. Because the nitwit pyromaniac out there who was looking for inspiration gets it from the first asshole to put a match to gasoline, and we get an instant epidemic.

It’s like when you say a certain person’s name, it’s like calling “Beetlejuice” three times — they always seem to appear. *shudder*

Anyway, I’ve got to get started rolling the rock up the mountain for the day. But what I take away is that one success will breed another, then another, and still another. And that’s the kind of collectible experience I want to have in my sacred space, so it’s time to go shopping for good things to enjoy today!