Caterwauling

I’m feeling rather, how shall we say, defeated right now. And it’s not because Maddie threw up in my be and it’s 12:40 a.m. and I’d really like to get some sleep before my 7:30 a.m. project kicks off and I can’t shut off my brain even though my body wants nothing more than to collapse.

I guess I’m sort of mad at myself that I inadvertently picked up three new projects. None of which is any big deal, in and of itself, but two are on Friday nights and one is on Thursday nights. Yes, nights, as in “the thing I work four days a week anyway.” I’m mad at myself for walking eyes-open into it, too and even enthusiastically … until I realized my one cherished night a week off is no longer.

And 20 minutes after I cheerfully agreed to this, I got a good offer for Friday night that’s probably never going to happen unless he’s patient enough to wait till whatever time.

I’ve sort of been staring at the walls for the last three hours trying to figure out how to hang myself adjust my schedule somewhat so I don’t feel like I’ve reached over and grabbed my ankles. That’s why my back hurts, I think — too much time in that position. 😉

I’m happy and productive and when the weekends come, I REALLY feel like I earned them. But losing my Thursday night date night (even if it only ends up being with myself) really got me today. I am now the proud owner of five daily projects, one twice-weekly project and five weekly projects — none of which are “easy” ones. And that’s not counting all the “extra” stuff in between.

I almost started missing my last life when I had one project that took me all month to accomplish before the cycle began anew. I was bored with that cycle. I stagnated hard-core. I have no time/opportunity to stall out anymore, and for that I’m grateful. But tired.

I don’t talk about work much in this space because I love it. Every minute of it. You can’t get a better team and more chances to grow than I have right now. It’s just that we keep adding more minutes to my days, and I’m feeling rather beaten down by it. I have plans for the next few Fridays, and I’ve got to start canceling them.

And we wonder why I started smoking again. 🙂

I stopped to fuel up the car around 10:30 last night, and I did so with the express purpose of buying a pack of Marlboro Lights. And the guy behind the counter said, “I’m supposed to ask for ID.” And I laughed and started to pull it out and said, “You can’t be serious, right?” And he said, “Yeah, you don’t look anywhere near 21.”

And while I laughed and agreed, well, it hurt. And he knew it. He apologized and I said, “I can’t blame you for not wanting to card me.” My makeup had worn off, my dress clothes were horribly wrinkled and I was looking forward to a dinner of string cheese and chocolate-chip cookies.

I don’t know. There’s a way out of all this, I hope. I’m trying to tell myself it’s only temporary — that once I get all this stuff on track and happening in a way that gives it all the highest-quality blueprint to follow, I can push some of it off on my lone employee. That I’ll either give her the morning shift or at least break up the night shifts when I feel everything’s in good working order.

But let’s face it, this is me we’re talking about. When would I ever ask someone to invest as much time as I do? How can the world keep turning without all the magic that I was put on this earth to bring to it?!!?!

Someone had once said to me, “You can and you WILL.” Meaning, divvy it up and don’t look back. Because there’s plenty more to do where that came from, and holding on to it all is impossible.

I’m sort of caught between having a nice (enough) life and paying for it, and actually enjoying it. That this is the time to bust my butt because when/if I ever meet my McDreamy, I plan to be focused on that instead or at least I’ll have to juggle it in somehow. I guess I just wonder how my haggy self is going to attract and keep him in the first place, because that’s the one thing in life I just haven’t managed to figure out just yet.

I mean, it’s not like I’m curing cancer or anything. I’m just trying to be the best I can be and giving my heart to it because it’s the one thing in life I do right — work my ass off. But I find myself envying the people who manage to have it all. I want to know how they do it. I want to be one of those people who works as a way to pass the time between fun, cool social stuff instead of as someone who works just as hard to find the energy to have fun.

I feel guilty when my work isn’t done. I can’t stand having things not be perfect when I put my seal of approval on them, so I don’t quit till they reach that point. But to say I’m done for the day because I have something better to do, well, is my dream. And to be ABLE to say it, would be even better, instead of pushing off everything under the auspices of “I’ll do it someday” would be nice, too.

And to have all the offers for good times not happen on the same day wouldn’t hurt either. 🙂 I mean, three good offers for Sunday and none for Saturday? Is that a sign I should clean on Saturday? Sheesh. 🙂

Today’s Horoscope — Gemini

A new love or friendship could come your way, Goddess, from a distant state or foreign country, perhaps through a common interest in astrology, science, or modern technology.

Is that an iPhone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Oh, wait, it IS an iPhone. LOL

Inspiring information about one of your interests could set you off on a new course of study and bring new people into your life.

My mom is starting to get worried because every time I go out and she asks me if I met any good men, I always tell her about some fabulous woman that was at the party or social gathering. There are apparently no interesting men left in the world, and fewer of them are being born so I may just go gay for the sake of convenience.

And what’s up with fewer boys being born? If the old wives’ tale holds true that you have to be on your back to conceive a boy, that just means we’ve all been enjoying riding the horsey too much. C’mon ladies, it’s fun to lie on your back — now you can surf the Internet while he’s playing whack-a-mole!

This is the sort of day when wonderful things happen and doors open for you — though unless you make the most of them, the opportunities could pass.

I can’t wait for the doors to open. Hopefully they’ll open OUT and not bash me in the head as I’m leaning against them. 😉

Dinner probably would have been Wendy’s or pizza or something god-awful like that had I not been invited to the Best. Dinner Party. Evar. at Tom and Tiff’s. I’m still trying to figure out what I liked best — the shrimp, the caprese, the lasagna, the grilled zucchini, the grilled peaches with mascarpone cheese or just all the fresh fruits, veggies and herbs from their local farmer’s market. Mmmm.

I think my favorite was the sangria filled with farmer’s market fruits. Yes, I’d still be buzzed from it if we didn’t have a 40-course meal of local-grown goodness.

I’m almost inspired to host a dinner party of my own. That is, if I can hire maids and cooks. Any takers?

I had to laugh because five of eight of us had the iPhone in-hand at dinner. iPhone orgy! I had my little red condom/baby buggy bumper on mine so I didn’t lose track of it in a sea of growing market share. 🙂

The gang was in my neck of the woods last night as Tiff performed at a local comedy night. She went on right before the headliner, and their opening acts were, well, something. There was one hot guy I was drooling over, but once he announced he was married, I gave up that pipe dream of bumping into him at the bar afterward.

There was one girl who must have blown someone to be put on the guest list. Awful. I’ll refrain from publishing her name because I’m not a heckler, but she was looking for audience participation and I was all but hiding under the table, as I had to quit paying attention lest I bean her with my Sam Adams bottle just to get her to STFU.

Anyway, I find the busier and happier I am, the less I blog and WANT to blog, more importantly. Without existential crises, I’m boring. I don’t mind losing touch with the Muse if it means everything’s good. I admit to hoping for a lot less inspiration for ye olde blogg if it means I’m out living life instead of writing about it!

I’d exchange favors of pretty much any variety for someone to come in and clean the house. The backache from hell has prevented me from doing much more than lying on the floor with a heating pad and the litterbox is a killer. I basically just went out and bought some disposable ones and left the big stankin’ one scooped but with the catty litter unchanged. Which is making Maddie choose to shit in every corner of every room except the one she’s supposed to hit.

Speaking of the mess, I have a horrid tangle of my iPhone charger, my earbuds, my bullet (yes, THAT kind) and myriad USB cords on my nightstand. Yesterday I went to get my phone and headset and managed to have the bullet hanging by its cord from my ear. Now if THAT isn’t a classy way to go into work, I don’t know what is.

Someone made a joke that if (someone conservative) saw me with a dildo hanging from my ear, he’d say, “Hey, my wife has one of those!” I corrected her and said, technically, doesn’t that mean his wife has TWO? (In addition to the human one, for those slow to catch on.)

Nothin’ but love, kids. Nothin’ but love. …

“Energizer to acquire Playtex.”

Talk about a win-win proposition — if you’re not sticking one thing up your hoo-ha, it’s another. A marriage made in Costco!

Superb article on “How to Retain Your Gen-X Workforce”. Made me feel better about how I question absolutely everything and I can’t figure out why looking forward “only” a month is about as visionary as I can get.

I think I have more of the previous generation’s “I must work until I die” resignation, although the next generation’s “There’s got to be a better way” mantra resounds very well with me. I think a lot of us look at work more as a punishment for something we did bad in a past life, than as something that gives us the means to enjoy what little time we spend away from it.

For those of us in creative fields, it’s hard to shut it off and enjoy an evening/weekend either because creativity doesn’t come during the 9-to-5 shift of generations past or because there’s just so much to do that the to-do list never ends. Technology helps us to get more done in a day than our predecessors got done in a week or even a month, but it also follows us everywhere.

There’s literally no reason you can’t/shouldn’t be productive every minute of every day. And that’s bad for the creative cycle — not necessarily the pressure to perform, as many of us thrive on deadline, but that we can’t constantly keep churning it out without finding ways to replenish it.

I’m not complaining — I love my work and my team and all the cool stuff I have the opportunity to do. But where I get stuck is in all the time wasted on depending on other people, because there goes 40 hours right there. But to do the awesome resume-building stuff that would make my portfolio absolutely kick ass? Lord, there isn’t enough coffee to keep me awake for them, and I find that those tasks I (would) love most tend to get the least of my attention.

Some people are meant to manage. The rest of us are meant to soar above all the b.s. And that’s what keeps us always on the lookout for the next opportunity. And it’s why people go to work for themselves, although granted it’s a myth that you’ll ever be free of the crap work even when you’re the boss. But the dream of doing more of what you want is what keeps folks dreaming of it, and doing it if they can.

I just wish those of us with that more immediate-goal-focused mentality could blow those boomers out of the last century and see what would happen if we ruled the world. Ties are better used on bedposts, damn it!!!

Anyway, I lifted this from the article:

Myth: They don’t want to put in the hours to get ahead.

Reality: They are willing to put in the time to do the job, however they are uninterested in “face time.” Gen Xers and Millenials view time as a currency. While Baby Boomers tend to see time as something to invest, the younger generations view it as a valuable currency not to be wasted. These are the generations that demand work-life balance and paid time off. They want to get the job done, then put it behind them and enjoy life.

Myth: They don’t want to grow up.

Reality: They really don’t know how. The youngest generations in today’s workforce are facing a delayed adulthood. They are getting married later, having children later and just generally facing the “real world” later. This isn’t the result of a mutated maturity gene, it just is. And if we are being completely honest, Boomers had a lot to do with why it’s happening. First, as parents, Boomers had a tendency to coddle their children and use their own good fortune to make sure their children didn’t experience adversity. Second, as career models, Boomers demonstrated the toll of working long hours and “paying one’s dues” in a way that made their children less likely to follow in their footsteps. Millenials today look at the corporate ladder and think, “there must be another way.”

You know what fries my shorts? (Other than my heating pad for my back.) When people forward your messages and cc: them all over the fucking planet.

We got a new person to help us but doesn’t work directly with/for us. And I’m, as usual, being me and trying to be funny and real and honest, like always. And this person forwards my e-mail to all their “Bobs,” trying to get a gold star or something by asking me a question about whatever I’d rambled about. Which they could have done without adding a whole bunch of extra names.

Now, I have nothing to hide and I am always prepared for those people who are more fond of the cc: line than they are of building a relationship with someone who is actually trying to help them. But still it bugs me because I’m an information-sharer — the more we all know, the better we are at our jobs.

But if everything I say can and will be held against me just because someone wanted to be cute and show how helpful they are — effectively taking my heads-up e-mail to prepare them for something they haven’t been told about yet but that they will hear about because I want them to have informed questions when the time comes — I’ll think twice before injecting any personality into it next time.

I’ll own it as my mistake in assuming everyone’s as cool as my immediate circle. Again, no big, but I usually delete the original message if I feel the need to share something important I learned from someone else.

At least that one is better than the ones who want you to do your job AND theirs. But we don’t encounter people like THAT in a day. No, not at all. 😉

Bought a strap-on (ha!) heating pad for my lower back. Only problem is that I have to stay parked by an electrical outlet at all times to benefit from it. Feeling not unlike “The Electric Grandmother.” If I wear it to work, would anyone notice my plug hanging out of my ass as I go into meetings?

So I just got carded at the store. Hah. They even type in your drivers’ license number before they ring you up. Brilliant.

I asked the girl why she even asked, and she said, “I saw the iPod, and erred on the side of you being under 21.”

I love her. 🙂

Of course, in a moment of backache-induced honesty and where-did-that-come-from unintentional iPhone snobbery, I said, “Actually, it’s an iPhone. Mommy and Daddy didn’t buy it for me, but thanks for thinking that.”

That’s the problem with me being in excruciating pain — honesty. Or, rather, lack of tact. You might want to stay away from me if you’re intending to rub me the wrong way or if your mama didn’t teach you any social graces, because I am easing my pain with telling you which concentric circle of hell to visit. And it probably isn’t one of the lesser ones, either.

Speaking of truth in advertising, I was trolling one of the popular dating sites when I realized that if the people are single, it says “Has been in a committed relationship but never married.” But I know for a fact that you can’t actually say that you’ve never been in a committed relationship.

Not to say that everyone who hasn’t been in one is toxic — I don’t know that I’ve ever been in one and I don’t think that makes me incapable of it. Not completely, anyway, although I am beginning to wonder. 😉

Just doing inaugural blog from iPhone. 🙂 And from my bed, for that matter!

Have a minor back injury and my year-old script for Vicodin ain’t touching the pain but it IS making me loopy. Probably broke back thanks to cat-ass-induced misery. Maddie shat in living room twice today as I worked in my bedroom. Don’t you wish you were me?!?!