Caterwauling

“Life is a moment in space
When the dream is gone
It’s a lonelier place.”

— Barbra Streisand, “Woman in Love”

I’ve been listening to enough classic Streisand to officially qualify me as a gay man, but Babs has me thinking today.

I realized that especially lately, although it could be true at pretty much any time for me, all I am doing is either fighting feelings or faking them.

Mostly fighting, though. I don’t have the energy to fake anything. Don’t want to reward less-than-impressive behavior with that faking thing, either. 😉

Squelching and practically disowning all the things that have been in my head and heart is, effectively, killing me. Not literally, but the “me” that I happen to know and love is crumbling, to some degree. I’m torn between focusing on what I want/think I want and dealing with either being wrong about it or not being able to get those things, whether it’s for a real reason or because I just don’t know how to fight any harder to stay the course.

I don’t think I was wrong about anything. I have great faith in my own intuition and decisions. I think the universe puts the dreams in my head and heart for a reason, and I don’t think that reason is to squash them like a pumpkin under a runaway tractor’s wheels.

But as for the faking, while I’d never say I faked any interest/desire at any point, maybe I did. Or maybe I faked being OK. Or maybe I faked NOT being OK. I don’t know. I spend so much time reconciling what’s there with what I want to be with what shouldn’t be that I just don’t know anymore.

But in either case, fighting or faking, for what? Because it might make someone else uncomfortable? Because it could elicit the exact conditions I was looking for? I don’t get it.

Do you people know what I’m willing to give up to be happy?

I guess it’ll be awhile longer before we find out.

I’ve been fighting a backache for three days (sitting for X amount of hours on end in a non-ergonomic chair probably contributed), so I’m bitchy. And ouchie. And misery-filled. And “cwabbers,” as my niece says when she’s crabby.

My colleague has some sort of poison ivy/oak/sumac/who the hell knows. She called yesterday to say she had to work from home because she was puffy and itchy and twitchy. And I’m like, yeah, that’s how I get on Wednesdays (my supposed “power day” as a Gemini but it’s really nowhere close), and I have to come in, so no staying home for you!

Anyway, we’ve become known as “The Bitchy and Scratchy Show.” Something tells me these monikers are going to stick around for a LONG time after this week passes. …

After digesting my last post for the past few hours, I realized something. Those big dreams I had — the ones I thought were SO out-of-reach and out of my league? Weren’t anywhere near big or dynamic enough for me. They were lucky to find their way into my head, but it’s time to clear the clutter.

That’s the terrific thing about my “happy place” — it expands to accommodate whatever I want to put into it. And perhaps it’s been a little too small and cozy till this very moment. Fuck it, if I’m dreaming, I’m doing it in a goddamned palace!

Don’t settle for only what the world gives you, friends. Ask for more. FIGHT for more. I’m finding that the one who wants it more than the other, gets it. But first, you have to define it or else you’ll spend all your energy going in a million directions (i.e., like me) and won’t have enough steam to achieve anything significant.

It’s time to focus. And focus elsewhere, in many cases.

God, I feel so free for the first time in a long time. *breaks mental shackles*

If this didn’t say a mouthful:

Friend, on learning he wasn’t the only one with an iPhone, “I wanted to be special!”
Me, as someone who wanted it first but was second, “Yeah, well, so did I!”

That actually brings me to a point, something more applicable to the grander scheme of life. And it is that I want to be more special than I already am.

I threw a little bit of a hissy fit the other day, for me, anyway. I emote all the time so it’s pretty rare when something is bottled up because I just KNOW it’s going to end badly if I don’t put things completely “out there,” even if only in my fucked-up blogging-style mentality in which I say what I need to say without always actually SAYING it.

But I sort of hit my, “I’ve had it,” point. I don’t mind taking shit if I can find a way to pay it back or forward, but some days you’re the fan and you just have to live with it. And I guess I got tired of being the perpetual fan that day and things, well, splattered because I was on “high.”

I am a big proponent of the “happy place.” I retreat there when I can. I have to — it’s the only place I can hide for a minute and choose my mask for when I return to the outside world. Nobody can touch me there, nor can they disturb what I’ve put in there. Because no matter how unrealistic my little world may seem, damn it, it’s MY world. Because in my world, I’m wealthy, I’m 5’9″ and I’ve had a lot of cosmetic surgery. 😉

And I flipped because, despite the ideal little universe I’ve created, I wasn’t its goddess at that very minute. Why? Because one of my storylines, I found, had a different starring character in “real life.” And man, that fucking rattled me.

What fucked with me even more was the sense of loss, the sense of wondering why all I had was a little dream and other people have it as reality. That the things I think are so far out of my grasp are probably being taken for granted elsewhere.

I’ve had mixed reactions from people because I bought my iPhone. Mostly everyone’s in awe of it and loves seeing what it can do. But I get a lot of shit, like, “You must be rich,” or “Well, good thing you paid for it — you can deal with all the bugs and I’ll get a cheaper and better version.” Or, my favorite, “It must be nice to have nothing better to spend your money on.” (Or, my second favorite, “Well, la-di-fricking-DA.”)

Well, actually, yes. IT IS NICE.

I’m not rich; I saved up for this thing. I floated my rent check till I could move my iPhone savings into my checking account. I did without a lot of little things for a long time so I could have the money to buy it when it came out.

And I almost didn’t get it. Yes, as usual, I panicked when it came time to spend the money. I let a whole week go by without buying it because I was terrified that the money should be saved for an emergency. Hell, I even called my mom and offered to pay her rent next month instead, because that’s the kind of person I am. I don’t do ANYTHING for me. EVER.

And in my happy place, I had an iPhone. At the point that I decided to buy it, it was the only goal I had that was actually obtainable.

So maybe I spent a lot of money on something others would perceive as frivolous or outrageous or even premature, but god damn it, I have something to show for busting my ass. I have something that I set my mind to and achieved, and guess what? I’M ENJOYING IT.

I was getting tired of always feeling like I’m working hard for nothing. That everything goes into rent and the cost of living, which is fairly atrocious here in D.C. That I’m always feeling like the fan but while everyone else is getting cooled off, I’m running at full capacity and my only relief is when the humidity abates and I can run on a regular speed for awhile.

No, I’m not looking for a purchase to lend meaning to my life. Instead, it’s a milestone that I can get what I want and that I can set my sights higher and higher and actually get the things I want and not have to look at everyone else enjoying their lives and their things and their experiences and me just feeling like my job is to stand by, only as an observer and not an experiencer.

That’s not why we’re here. We are not here to hope and wish and pray and wait. If we don’t get some rewards along the way — and let ourselves ENJOY them — there’s no point to any of this.

We are here to be joyful, to not just “get through” this experiment called existence. We make choices and we make mistakes, but sometimes we kick ass and we need to incentivize ourselves to keep on keepin’ on.

So someone else achieved some of my other dreams. It wasn’t just one thing, either — it was a package of quite a few. Whether I still want to aspire to those goals or whether I should go find some new ones because I’m pretty burned out and pissed off toward the original ones, is anyone’s guess. But now that I can take one of those dreams-come-true in and out of my happy place, well, I’m feeling pretty good right now.

So, if I can’t be “special,” today I’m “special enough.” And I’m OK with that today. I’ll find another way to be uber-special tomorrrow. But not feeling behind the 8-ball for a change is something I would like to enjoy more often than I let myself do.

I Can Haz iPhone?, originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn.

How much of a freaking DORK am I that I am sitting at my computer but surfing the Internet on the iPhone? I’m also listening to my headphones on it — not like I don’t have five thousand songs in my iTunes that is, again, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

And the first song I listened to on my iPhone? Barbra Streisand, “Comin’ In and Out of Your Life.” Rocking the suburbs, I tell ya. At least Kadie’s rockin’ the pop music and having a grand old time with the newest addition to the household.

Oh, yeah, and I submitted it to I Can Has Cheezburger’s photo bucket. 🙂

Keyboard’s too small. I have too many complicated passwords for this to be effective ’cause I’m typing in everything wrong.

Oh, and you can only use one Gmail account on the phone unless you go to the Web. And that’s the kicker — the only browser I hate more than Safari is IE.

And dummy here synced all my contacts and Safari bookmarks with the phone, not thinking that I haven’t used either app since 2004. Who the hell are half these people?!?! And how did that porn get in there? 😉

I’ll get it right. I’ll even love it. But today, what I wouldn’t give to have a butt-wiping monkey to set it all up for me. …

… ‘Cause I am one true sucker for a good Apple product. And the iPhone? Is now charging on my nightstand.

*happy dance*

It was Jeff’s post on how the iPhone changed his life that convinced me to go on a hunt for this exquisite wonder.

BLAME IT ON BEING IN BETHESDA

I just HAPPENED to find myself at Montgomery Mall today, fucking around in Sephora — which just HAPPENS to be two or three doors down from the Apple Store — trying on perfumes, as I do need a new signature scent and all.

I ended up wearing F by Ferragamo, and while it’s fairly delicious, it’s a little too sweet for my tastes. I was similarly impressed by the notes in Prada, which may be a better bet.

But the real decision is between Gaultier 2 and Guerlain’s Insolence. So, if you have any experience with either, please let me know!

If you love me and don’t want to spend $90 a pop, I really did love the Masaki Matsushima Chocolate scent. The product description says, “With top notes of fresh citrus layered over a rich dreamy middle of hot, dense chocolate and absolute cocoa melded with a base of sexy musk and sandalwood, this scent is just too delicious to ignore.” OMG, yum. Seriously, *slobber.*

Ahem.

THE IPHONE DIET

I was too cheap to spend $90 on some eau de parfum, but LO and BEHOLD, I get to the Apple Store and my spending discipline gets blown to hell. I asked the guy at the door whether they had any phones left, and he said the only had a handful of the 8-gigs.

So I ran to check my account balance — YES! The rent check hasn’t cleared yet! And I bought the 8-gig and a cute red skin for it and hot damn, now starts the iPhone diet.

Yes, the iPhone diet.

Work with me here.

It was a shitty week. I mean, if the Chinese named weeks as well as years, it would have been Week of the Dildo. Because EVERYONE acted like one. Plus, we had that holiday thing on Wednesday and I STILL worked upward of 50 hours. I’M A LITTLE BIT TENSE, OK?

So I decided to buy the phone as a treat to myself for staying out of jail and not putting anyone in the hospital.

But I’ve got to replenish that cash, so I’m going to stop eating until I earn it back.

Hence, the iPhone diet.

I decided I was only going to buy the phone if it make me look like I’d lost weight. So I said fuck it, I WILL lose weight with this goddamned phone because who can afford to eat? Between the $660 I slapped down plus the $120 for which AT&T makes me bend over and grab my ankles every month anyway, I’ll be sharing the kitties’ kibble — that is, when I can afford to feed THEM!

Oh well. This is why I endure all the glamour of my five-to-nine (a.m. to p.m.) job, so I can buy cool shit, right?

Apparently I’ve been tagged for a meme. Which, yay, ’cause I wanted to write but have nothing to say!

RULEZ:

1.We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them each a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Lordy. Just eight?

But eight I have to say in public?

Oy.

The abridged version, then. Here goes.

1. HABIT: I scratch off my fingernail polish from the cuticles on up. I play with my hands when I’m trying not to talk/make eye contact/emote, so the nails tend to get annihilated as a casualty for my reticence.

2. FACT: I work harder on volunteer projects than I do on paid projects, although it’s hard to tell the difference. But there’s something about helping someone out who really needs it — and, let me clarify, who is worthy of it — that lights my fire more than anything. I guess it’s more that I would rather do what I want than what I must.

3. HABIT: I have a crystal hanging from my rearview mirror, and I always rub it to remove the stress from my body in traffic — it’s my worry stone. I’m so absentminded that I don’t realize it, but when I let a friend drive my car and he rubbed it, I was stunned that others noticed this compulsion.

4. HABIT: When I need to make a big decision, I have to head to a park for either a ride on the swingsets or to at least stare at a lake or something. Even if I spend five minutes there, I always feel rejuvenated and can uncover the resolution with a clear mind.

5. FACT: Same as Lachlan, I have some symmetry issues. I also share something in common with Mark Wahlberg, and it ain’t the big, ah, appendage we saw in “Boogie Nights.” 😉

6. FACT: I am a walking divergence. I’m insanely impatient some days but completely “enh — whatever” on others. I am decisive but I oftentimes decide against making a decision. 🙂 I am over-the-top passionate yet I can turn off that switch in zero-point-six seconds. I’ll either raise hell or kill you with kindness — and you’re never going to be able to predict my reaction, so don’t even try. Some days I’m the social butterfly, others I’m the caterpillar.

7. HABIT: I tend not to deal with things until they are in crisis mode. I try very hard to plan ahead, but so much other bullshit crops up in the interim that I let things slide until they can no longer be ignored. (Hey, no one ever said the habits had to be good or cute ones!)

8. FACT: I don’t get worked up into a lather about anything other than the opposite sex. I’m pretty even-keeled in general, but man, don’t hurt or disrespect me because I’ve been known to hit the gas pedal really hard when I see you walking across the street. I’ve only recently noticed this about myself and will work on it, but I’m quicker to say “fuck you” than I am to hang around to feel the need to have to say it again. But yeah, some folks are lucky that I have very good brakes!

Now I have to tag eight lucky people. But since this didn’t come with a “send this to eight people so you can have everlasting love, luck and happiness” schpiel, I’ll leave it to y’all who want to do it to, well, do it. But Mel? SilverBlue? I’m looking at you. … 😉

I’m in the new Twitter Mosaic. And I recognize some of you, too!

Just another step toward becoming Internet famous. 😉

There’s nothing that reminds you of the smallness of your own life and problems as when someone dies. Even if you never knew them.

A friend/colleague let me know her mom passed away yesterday. I’m thinking it’s unexpected — her mom lives in the same area my mom does, and she just came down here for a visit — to see the house my friend just bought. And I remember my friend scrambling, because she had literally just moved — the place was nowhere near ready for even a family member to see.

It just goes to show that had she not come down when she did, she never would have. *sigh*

This is another one of those times, and I wonder if people thought this about me when I lost my grandfather, that you just wonder why good people have to hurt so much.

July Fourth was quiet around here — eight years to the day that we lost my grandmother to another case of hospital ineptitude. (Apparently it’s a theme around here.) It’s been eight years without her and eight months without my grandfather. What a fucked-up world without them in it. Perhaps it was a little bit fucked-up with them IN it, too, but at least it was a world I understood back then. 🙂

I’ve got to get back to work (story of my life) but I just wanted to say a little prayer for my friend and her mom. May the next world be everything you dreamed it to be, and may this one be a little gentler and kinder as if to acknowledge that someone who made it better is no longer in it.

I heard a quote recently, that the loss of a mother is the first event in your life that she can’t make “all better” because you don’t have the luxury of turning to her anymore. It’s all on you now. The shoes you danced around in as a child that were way too big for you are now suddenly yours.

Man, we’ve seen a lot of loss in our circle in the past year. But we’ve got weddings and babies coming into it as well. As for the rest of us, I’m sure hope will come along in one form or another, sooner rather than later. But for today, my heart just hurts all over again.